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Original poster

My fiancé is too hard on my son

62 replies

Mummy20198 · 08/04/2019 21:58

Ladies need advice please!
I have been engaged to my fiancé for a year, we are cohabiting and we have a 3month old, I also have a 3.5 yr old. DS bio father is not in the picture, I see my fiancé as DS dad as does my son he adores him! DS is a wonderful little boy with LOTS of energy and enjoys making LOTS of noise! Which I think is normal for a 3.5yr old. My fiancé has very little patience with DS and often shouts at him which upsets the whole household! I understand my fiancé is in an awkward position as DS isn’t his bio son so I try not to be too hard on him. He constantly threatens DS that he will put him in his room e.g if he doesn’t stop making a noise, doesn’t stop running around etc I understand him saying it when DS is misbehaving but not when he is simply singing a song or playing a game, he gets annoyed but the smallest things and I feel sorry for my DS. I love my fiancé dearly but I also believe in putting children first - what should I do? I have tried to talk to fiancé and he said he would try to be more understanding and he was wonderful for a day there wasn’t a cross word in the house but it didn’t last. It’s a very negative house with all of the shouting! 😞 It’s like he wants DS to act like an adult! Fiancé also has no problem with arguing in front of the two kids and calls me a “treehugger” for the way I want to parent. Thanks for reading! 🙈

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 08/04/2019 22:00

Advice?
Well don’t marry him. Your son deserves better than to be stuck in the middle of you two arguing.

Runbikeswim · 08/04/2019 22:01

Bin him

Chocolateisfab · 08/04/2019 22:03

Ltb...

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LightDrizzle · 08/04/2019 22:03

Fuck him off. Your son comes first. This is bad OP.

Jamhandprints · 08/04/2019 22:05

You can't marry him. You can't choose him over your son. Your son needs you. You are a good mum, don't be pushed and tricked into thinking you're not.
Create a peaceful, happy home for your children...without the negative influence.

kayakingmum · 08/04/2019 22:05

I really don't think you will be able to change your fiance's behaviour.
You've only really got two options:

  1. Stay with him and accept it's a phase. Your DS won't be noisy forever. Things change. Dynamics change.
  2. Leave him.

Only you can work out what is best.

EarlyBird39 · 08/04/2019 22:05

It's not going to get any better when there are 2 kids running around the house and making noise...unfortunately, but for the sake of your children: LTB!

FenellaMaxwell · 08/04/2019 22:06

He THREATENS your 3 year old. That tells you all you need to know.

PanamaPattie · 08/04/2019 22:07

You need to ask........?

Whereareyouspot · 08/04/2019 22:07

Pls prioritise your son
He needs to know he can laugh and sing and shout and play and make noise in his own house
Your DF sounds like a controlling bully who doesn’t see your son as his own no matter how much you like to think he does

Or if he does he will end up being equally as unpleasant to the baby you share and the household will be miserable regardless

Your DS will be damaged by this man

Justmuddlingalong · 08/04/2019 22:10

Your poor DS.

EstrellaDamn · 08/04/2019 22:11

If you believe in putting children first you need to follow through on that and bin him.

gamerchick · 08/04/2019 22:11

You know what you need to do OP. At the very minimum, seperate houses and definitely no marriage.

Your eldest will grow up nervy and unhappy in this environment. He doesn't deserve it.

Shinesweetfreedom · 08/04/2019 22:11

So you could stay with him....but you better get the camhs appointments number ready for when your eldest is older,make that for both of your children.They will both be affected by the anger.

BucketfannywhoreIstinksofshit · 08/04/2019 22:12

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

RuffleCrow · 08/04/2019 22:14

Leave the bastard.

Are you really going to inflict a lifetime of this man on your son?

Speak to your local domestic abuse service - emotional abuse is now taken seriously. See if they can help you too leave with your kids.

Mrscaindingle · 08/04/2019 22:14

Stay with him and accept it's a phase. Your DS won't be noisy forever. Things change. Dynamics change

Except your DS will eventually become an unlovable teenager and God help you all then. This will only harm your DS growing up in a household where he is second best and he deserves better.

I couldn't live with a man who treated my small child like this.

fantasticdog · 08/04/2019 22:16

My husband is the biological father of all 4 of our children. He would not think about raising his voice towards any of them. He wouldn’t dare!!!

Wallsbangers · 08/04/2019 22:18

Leave him. It's only going to get worse.

Iflyaway · 08/04/2019 22:24

Oh that poor little boy. My heart breaks for him.

Please don't marry him.

He will do the same to the baby growing up and you too eventually.

Any man who bullies a 3 year old is NOT someone who claims to love you OR any of your kids in their lives.

Who the fuck does he think he is anyway?!

Please get rid. Your future self and your kids will thank you!

steppemum · 08/04/2019 22:27

I don't think it will be easy to change. You have completely different parenting expectations.

BUT, is it possible that actually you are both right? In that you are too soft and he is too hard? In those circumstances both sides tend to become more extreme as they react against the other's parenting.
So I would:

  1. put off any wedding until you have attempted to sort it, with the idea that if it isn't sorted, don't marry him
  2. sit down and talk about expectations. What is sensible for your ds. when is it Ok to shout and when not. What are the trigger points. Look physically at your space, do you need to think about where and how he plays, etc. For example, is there a bit of outdoor space where he can let of steam. Does he get out to run around enough. You have a 3 month old, so your DP needs to step up and take a lead in taking ds out for a run around.
  3. Together look at sensible consequences for behaviour, which should be natural consequences etc. But also things you can do when he is being loud, suggestions as to how to distract and entertain. Having a list of 4 or 5 things you can do when ds is bored, will give your DP the skills to deal with him when he is noisy.

Only you know if his behaviour is inexperience as a parent or is from a deeper lack of love for your ds

OldAndWornOut · 08/04/2019 22:29

I don't understand why you think your fiance is in an awkward position.
It's not like he is holding back because he isn't your sons biological dad.
What is awkward about allowing a child to behave like a child?
My instinct would be to protect my child from constant criticism.

ilovepixie · 08/04/2019 23:10

Leave him. Your children come first every time. Imagine how your little boy feels being bullied every day by your boyfriend. And it will only get worse.

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 08/04/2019 23:16

You sound like you're a naturally lovely and sensible mum, but his critique of your parenting is making you question yourself to the extent that your little boy is suffering. That isn't healthy for anyone involved and your partner will presumably either treat your younger son the same when he starts toddling etc which would be horrid OR even worse treat him differently because he is bio dad which would be soul destroying for everyone involved.

Please think carefully about whether this set up is sustainable without risking your sons self esteem, your happiness and your confidence.

Mintandthyme · 08/04/2019 23:16

How does he interact with the baby ?

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