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Parenting

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Original poster

My fiancé is too hard on my son

62 replies

Mummy20198 · 08/04/2019 21:58

Ladies need advice please!
I have been engaged to my fiancé for a year, we are cohabiting and we have a 3month old, I also have a 3.5 yr old. DS bio father is not in the picture, I see my fiancé as DS dad as does my son he adores him! DS is a wonderful little boy with LOTS of energy and enjoys making LOTS of noise! Which I think is normal for a 3.5yr old. My fiancé has very little patience with DS and often shouts at him which upsets the whole household! I understand my fiancé is in an awkward position as DS isn’t his bio son so I try not to be too hard on him. He constantly threatens DS that he will put him in his room e.g if he doesn’t stop making a noise, doesn’t stop running around etc I understand him saying it when DS is misbehaving but not when he is simply singing a song or playing a game, he gets annoyed but the smallest things and I feel sorry for my DS. I love my fiancé dearly but I also believe in putting children first - what should I do? I have tried to talk to fiancé and he said he would try to be more understanding and he was wonderful for a day there wasn’t a cross word in the house but it didn’t last. It’s a very negative house with all of the shouting! 😞 It’s like he wants DS to act like an adult! Fiancé also has no problem with arguing in front of the two kids and calls me a “treehugger” for the way I want to parent. Thanks for reading! 🙈

OP posts:

justasking111 · 08/04/2019 23:18

I know a man engaged three times. The women leave in the end because of the way he is towards their children. He tries to be the kind of father he thinks they need. Firm but fair his theory falls short of real life. Some men just don't get it instinctively

RubberTreePlant · 08/04/2019 23:22

What does your instinct tell you?

Mainie · 08/04/2019 23:25

This is why we refrain from marrying people who are assholes to our children.

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BertrandRussell · 08/04/2019 23:27

Dump. Life’s too short for this shit.

Beargrin · 09/04/2019 07:53

Definitely stay with him and let him abuse your child

You know what you need to do op. He sounds horrible and there are a million stories on here of children ruined by their parents shitty partner. Your children come first.

Drogosnextwife · 09/04/2019 08:01

My DP isn't my oldest son's father, we met when he was 3, my DS very much sees him as a father because his bio sperm donor wanted absolutely nothing to do with him so he didn't have one before DP came along.
It took a long time for my DP to do any kind of discipline with DS, he left it all to me because as he saw it, I was the parent (DS was a very well behaved child though).
I would be a bit concerned that he is so hard on him for just doing normal kid things and would be wondering if he will be treating his own child like that. Perhaps you should ask him or tell him if he can't reign in the temper then he should leave it to you and keep his mouth shut. If that doesn't work, don't marry him because that will wear you and your son down ,( your son most of all)

gubbsywubbsy · 09/04/2019 08:08

Some men are like this , like lions that kill the other lions cubs ( obvs not saying he is going to kill him ) ... my dh lived with a man like this who idolised his bio child and physically and emotionally abused him ... if he won't change please don't put your son through it as he will live a life of being second best to bio child .

DocusDiplo · 09/04/2019 08:10

Why did you have a baby with him so soon !?!? Honestly! What a mess.

Grobagsforever · 09/04/2019 08:14

Hope your post made you feel superior @DocusDiplo

RocketSurgery · 09/04/2019 08:14

You’ve only been with him a year. How can it be so bad already? You clearly need to leave, imagine how your poor son will feel knowing you chose this man over him.

I don’t understand a pp whose dh has never shouted at dc’s and wouldn’t dare. I consider myself a pretty laid back parent but I have to shout at my dc’s probably about once a week when they start doing dangerous/ destructive things.

mrsmuddlepies · 09/04/2019 08:17

Children always, always come first. It is probably the first time I have said this on MN but LTB. Your son needs you on his side

DocusDiplo · 09/04/2019 08:18

Sorry @ grobags / OP. Its more exasperation. I feel for you, OP. But ...I am still.... perplexed.... what is there to say now? She either asks him to sort it out (will he accept he is wrong???) or leave (will she???). Therefore ---- > mess.

YouBumder · 09/04/2019 08:19

Your son is 3.

Put him first and not this pathetic excuse for a manchild. Why do women put up with and make excuses for shit men?

LTB

lifebegins50 · 09/04/2019 08:20

If you have incompatible parenting then you are unlikely to work through this. It is fundamental to a relationship.

If he is irritated by a child's singing then he will never be tolerant.

He has to really want to change but if he is dismissive of your parenting then it seems his attitude is you are in the wrong.

When he behaved well for a day did you acknowledge it, perhaps he needs a reward chart for when he is non shouty

TangyToms · 09/04/2019 08:20

Ltb...

HotpotLawyer · 09/04/2019 08:20

Sorry OP, but this is a classic horrible situation. Your DF favours the baby and is hard on your 3 yo.

From the Greek tragedies to Mr Murdoch in David Copperfield to The Lion King, it is a pattern with some men.

This will get worse and will be damaging for your son

I suppose you could try parenting classes or couples counselling to talk it through, but one way or another your job is to protect your child from this. And that means he changes, genuinely changes because he understands, looks deep into his feelings for your son and your baby and works in himself, quickly, or.... you have to walk.

user1457017537 · 09/04/2019 08:21

My son is in a similar situation but loves the boy as his own and would never dream of upsetting or hurting him. We all love him. He is and will always be treated the same in our family. This is the difference between your situation. It will only get worse for your son. He needs protecting from your fiancé.
Open your eyes your son is being abused under your nose.

NabooThatsWho · 09/04/2019 08:22

Please bin him and let your poor son have a happy childhood.

Kittykat93 · 09/04/2019 08:23

Your poor child. Do you even have to ask??

mummmy2017 · 09/04/2019 08:30

The second he shouts at your child you need to touch his arm and say to your DP , don't do that he is a child, very soon we will have two children making a noise, you have to get over this anger at a 3year old is wrong .
By touching your partner you are shown Ng you are wanting to be co parents not telling him off.
You have to sort this now, when everything is quiet sit and talk to your partner, tell him this is normal for a small child and that very soon the baby will be making noises and moving, as him if he realises how unfair he is being to DS1. And that many people have split up over situations like this, that you do not want that to be you.

BobTheDuvet · 09/04/2019 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt · 09/04/2019 08:39

I wouldn't bother talking to him except to say that as he clearly cannot control his arsehole tendencies around your three year old despite your previous discussions then he should consider himself dumped.

I mean it. Your poor little boy simply cannot be happy here. He needs you to take control and boot this twat out of your lives.

Lazydaisies · 09/04/2019 08:43

One of my school friends had a similar situation. She married at 18 to get away from him and had many mh issues along the way.

This is not healthy for your little boy and he cannot escape. He needs you to do the right thing.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 09/04/2019 08:47

Sigh. Yet another post about not prioritising children over a new partner and rushing into having a baby way too soon with them so the whole situation is a complete mess.
I think I need to stop reading MN - it’s so depressing.

The simple rule is this, if your partner treats your kids or you poorly, you should not be with them. You have a choice, but your kids do not.

motherofdxughters · 09/04/2019 08:47

Yeah, this isn't good. This is going to impact on your son in ways which are undetermined at this point. It's not okay.

Talk to him. Explain that if things don't change you'll have to leave for the emotional safety of your son. Social services would take this extremely seriously and children have been removed for risk of emotional abuse, let alone actual emotional abuse. You can't risk it and as your son gets older and pushes the boundaries more, that anger and lack of patience can turn to violence. Imagine a five year old and a two year old both making lots of noise. He won't cope.

He either seeks help or you go. Do not marry him.

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