My fiancé is too hard on my son

[Mummy20198]

Ladies need advice please!
I have been engaged to my fiancé for a year, we are cohabiting and we have a 3month old, I also have a 3.5 yr old. DS bio father is not in the picture, I see my fiancé as DS dad as does my son he adores him! DS is a wonderful little boy with LOTS of energy and enjoys making LOTS of noise! Which I think is normal for a 3.5yr old. My fiancé has very little patience with DS and often shouts at him which upsets the whole household! I understand my fiancé is in an awkward position as DS isn’t his bio son so I try not to be too hard on him. He constantly threatens DS that he will put him in his room e.g if he doesn’t stop making a noise, doesn’t stop running around etc I understand him saying it when DS is misbehaving but not when he is simply singing a song or playing a game, he gets annoyed but the smallest things and I feel sorry for my DS. I love my fiancé dearly but I also believe in putting children first - what should I do? I have tried to talk to fiancé and he said he would try to be more understanding and he was wonderful for a day there wasn’t a cross word in the house but it didn’t last. It’s a very negative house with all of the shouting! 😞 It’s like he wants DS to act like an adult! Fiancé also has no problem with arguing in front of the two kids and calls me a “treehugger” for the way I want to parent. Thanks for reading! 🙈

You are describing my childhood, it was awful.

Your son comes first. You know that.

Good luck girl.

No social services wouldn’t be at all interested in a step parent telling a child to be quieter.
It sounds like ineffective communication between you two and a difference of parenting styles. It doesn’t sound like he’s damaging your son who is said to adore him.
Perhaps rather than walking out and doing untold damage by leaving two children without a loving father, have a discussion.
Children, in my opinion, need boundaries. Children described as highly energetic and very noisy tend to be children without clear boundaries and end up finding it difficult to concentrate and settle to school. Some might describe them as naughty and uncontrolled. I’d just say between you, you were undermining your sons social development by giving conflicting and confused boundaries. There is a middle ground.
Perhaps you should agree what is acceptable behaviour and then both uphold the rules. It’s not normal to have a three year old shouting and singing loudly all the while. If he’s very energetic get him out and doing exercise so he can be quieter indoors.

doesn’t sound like he’s damaging your son who is said to adore him

They always say that on these threads. It's always 'hes a good dad and the kids adore him' until it's unpicked.

Children often adore abusive parents. - Because they're kids and they haven't spent years on Mumsnet learning to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships.

It takes an adult with the child's best interests at heart to make those difficult decisions on behalf of the child.

Where’s the Op?

@CherryPavlova he's not telling his step child to be quieter though, is he? He's got very little patience and is actively shouting - several times a day. That little boy may need boundaries but he is a child. Enforcement of boundaries can only happen in a home that is calm and respectful of the boundaries. When that child is inside and making noise during 'permitted' times, OP's partner isn't going to magically not shout or lose patience. He doesn't want the noise at all which means that little boy will constantly be on the precipice or being yelled at and OP walking on eggshells so the partner doesn't call her a tree hugger.

So your fiancé must have been part of your 3yr olds life since he was a baby? Given you have a baby and been engaged for a year. So this is not a new relationship between your partner and your DS. Your DS is only little and now has a new sibling and it isn’t unusual for them to act up a little. Your OH needs to understand that and allow your DS time to adjust and not be abusive to him. My youngest is 4 and I would never think to shout and scream at him for being good at being 4. You need to set some expectations for your fiancé on how you will parent going forward. I feel sorry for your little one

For balance some birth dads behave like this with their own children, they really have no idea how to raise healthy happy children.

Poor DS. Please LTB so your children can grow up in a house where they can play and make noise without fear.

I would not allow anyone to treat my DS like this, even his paternal father.
A child should be allowed to be a child without fear. I would suggest at the very least postponed the marriage and get your fiancée on a course of parenting and possible anger management as you have your little one to also think of.

Is it any wonder that people bully when as a volunteer I witnessed teachers shouting and screaming at children.