My mum overstepping the mark???

[Drowningrightnow]

I don't know what to do anymore.

This is long. Sorry - there is a lot of history which is relevant but I will keep it as brief as I can.

I never wanted kids. I fell pregnant whilst on birth control. My partner of 5 years - who at that point I was due to move in with - left me as soon as he found out (by text). I found out late - at 15 weeks - and although didn't want the pregnancy couldn't bare to go through with a late stage abortion. The plan was adoption on birth. My pregnancy is a blur - probably the worse experience in my life. I was sick everyday. I already had a history of MH issues and dealing with a relationship breakdown and a pregnancy I didn't want put me in a very dark place. My mum probably kept me alive through those months.

My midwives were not very supportive regarding the adoption idea. They kept delaying my contact with SS until close to the birth. My mum at that point had got attached to the bump and I felt guilty about just giving her up. I decided I would take her home and try - my mum's words were don't bring her home unless you want her to stay.... And that's where it starts.

I am not maternal. I am not a great mum. My daughter is now 3. I love her dearly and would never give her up.

I took extended maternity leave for 14 months. My mum agreed she would quit work to care for her so I could return to work (as the highest earner) and I would pay her. I mainly work nights - so she was going to take her overnight and some of the day while I slept and the rest of the time she wanted to spend training and getting the house re-done so she could be a childminder.

As it happens, she was made redundant just before she was due to quit and got nearly a years equivalent of redundancy pay. So she actually made no sacrifices in regards to work for me in the end.

Things didn't turn out like originally planned. My night shifts got more labour intensive and even with sleeping a few hours in the mornings I was still knackered and struggling with my DD. My mum had her most of the time and practically became her primary care giver 😕 Which means she had no time to focus on her own business and the child minding thing never happened. I still get blamed for that.

I was and still am extremely grateful for what my mum has done. DD is pretty challenging a lot of the time. But my relationship with her has now broken down yo an extent where I don't think it's salvageable.

I still work on average 50-80 hours a week. Nights and evenings mainly. Between night shifts I usually only manage a max of 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). I am always tired and I know I can be difficult to deal with sometimes due to that. Some days I do find it hard to take DD for more than a few hours as I'm so exhausted.

My mum has slowly taken over everything. She feeds her and cooks pretty much all her meals 90% time. She takes her to bed. She does her washing. She pretty much veto's anything I want to do with her if it's going to affect her structure for the day (e.g going out to late in the afternoon etc) which I can understand and have learned to accept. The latest thing is she now co-sleeps with her - as I am away most nights and DD didn't want to be in the cot anymore. She has her on nights even when I'm home so I can get a proper nights sleep on the rare occasion I can.

I should make it clear here I live in the same house as my mum. I also pay her for childcare (and rent). She takes between 1/3-1/2 of my wage every month (approx 600) depending on my shifts. I pay for everything for my DD - food, clothing, activities etc.

Things have been bumpy but we have muddled through. Up until I met my new partner a year and a half ago.

Home life is now unbearable unless I don't challenge anything. My sister moved out 3 months ago and I said I could not afford half the bills - so suggest my OH move in (as a lodger in a separate room). He pays rent and helps out in the house were he can. She has always hated him - she has given various reasons over the course of the time we have been together but today - after a massive argument - her reasoning is that he was too forward getting involved with DD and interfered in situations when my mum was handling her and she didn't want help (crying, temper tantrums etc). I should say my OH has only ever tried to help calm her down and would never overstep and overrule either myself or my mum.

She criticises him for every little thing (not to his face - she just digs at me). He does not like confrontation and is sensitive - it upsets him ALOT but my but she thinks he's putting it on. He is in the house much of the time but tries to stay out the way when I'm working because he feels so uncomfortable. He doesn't currently work but there are genuine reasons for this and he is signed off long-term. She also criticises him for that. I have said we can all just move out elsewhere but thenI'm taking DD away from herandreplacing her

DD adores him. He adores her. But my mum won't see with whatever reasoning I give her that him being in her life is a positive thing (DD has no other male role models). My mum seems to be under the impression that my OH is taking over and trying to replace her and I'm happy for it to happen.

Today things have come to a head. I just want to leave with DD and not come back but I rely so heavily on my mum I feel so trapped.

She told me today that she had been raising DD herself for the last two years almost as though DD was HER child. She arranged with my sister (who I do not have a great relationship with) to do DDs first ever Easter egg hunt this year. This is a tradition we had growing up. It wasn't even discussed with me. I am working Easter Sunday/Monday but had planned to do it with her later in the week when I have days off. I told my mum it was a big thing for me and that they had over stepped the mark not even asking me. My mum said that my sister was family (another dig at my OH) and shouldn't have to ask permission to do things with her!! And that there was no needs to ask me first because I was working and obviously wasn't bothered.

Am I going crazy here? Am I in the wrong?? My life feels like it's out of control and I don't know what to do. I get criticised for parenting when I do. It's not like I never care for my child - I watch her most days and she goes out to activities with me several times a week (soft play/park/swimming lessons). I can't afford to quit work. But I can see no way to resolve this anymore.

She is due to start some nursery sessions after Easter (6 hours a week) with a view to extending- this might help. Both I just feel like I have no options right now.

Is my mum overstepping or am I in the wrong? I just don't know anymore. The atmosphere in the house is terrible- awful for my MH and terrible for DD. I need some opinions and I know you guys don't hold back. Please help me.

50 to 80 hours a week is alot. If your mum has your daughter for those hours plus your sleeping hours I can see how your mum is very attached to your daughter and feels she can make these decisions.

Why are you earning so little (half your pay is 600?) For all those hours? I'm sure you'd be paid the same amount on part time wages and perhaps you'd get free childcare hours?

Your mum should have asked about the egg hunt but your daughter should not moss out because you're not available.

This post isn't a dig btw...you just seem to work so much with not getting anything back

I would have been happy to put her with a childminder originally but my mum was very anti having her cared for outside the family. She made me very paranoid about leaving her with a stranger. It would have worked out financially better for me to do that but it was only after my mum agreed to care for her that I realised what help I could get - when I tried to reason with her over it I was made to feel guilty i.e. she had made her plans about how care was going to work out and it was unfair of my to change me mind. I pay my mum £350 a month for childcare alone - a drop in the ocean compared to a childminder - but I can't claim any of it back.

At the moment I am working so much because I am saving for mortgage. If we Don't get out of here soon I don't know what I am going to do.

I should also probably point out that all these extra things she does for her she took over. I was happy doing her laundry and all the other things a mum is supposed to do. I just got sick of constantly being criticised for not doing things right... It was easier to let her do it her way ratger than constantly be belittled.

DD wouldn't have missed out on Easter. I was planning to do the hunt with her on the following Tues/Weds. She's three years old so I she has no idea that Sunday is the right day to do it.

There are 168 hours in a week. You’re working for 80 of those and you say yourself that you’re some days too tired to look after her for more than a couple of hours so she’s probably looking after her for more than 80 hours. So over 50%. If you were a divorced couple she would be the resident parent.

You need to look for a new job, move out and find alternative childcare.

You need to think about changing jobs, even if he means a lower salary

What do you do that only earns £1200 a month for 50-80 hours of night work?

I work on average 50 -80. 80 is my max and I try to avoid it if I can as it's slowly killing me. It is bank work so I sometimes work less.

90% of this time is overnight when DD is sleeping do I would say the level of care is pretty minimal there. It's the whole reason I work nights. I am usually there to say night and back before she wakes in the morning. So I am nearly always in the house and around when she is awake. I only sleep for 3-4 hours so my my DD barely notices that I am gone.

When I say I don't have her for more than a couple of hours sometimes - I mean direct playtime or 1-2-1 time. When I am at home and up which is a good 90% of when she is awake and I am always downstairs with her... Supervising. We do an hour's dog walk (all of us together) at least once a day. I am always present and visable if she needs me.

Get a job with normal hours, and move out.

I also think you need to move out - even if your partner applies for a council property

She will fight you over this and you need to push to get her back

Oh my. Maybe I shouldn't have put numbers as that seems to be everyone's main focus here.

I said 1/3 to a 1/2 of my wage. I can earn up to 2000 + on the longer hour weeks... But then I always pay my mum more. I am putting away at least 300 towards a mortgage a month. I have pets to pay for. I pay rent. I work miles away from home so have to pay for a stupid amount of fuel. My daughter goes to swimming lessons (60 a month), and goes put to soft play or for lunch several times a week. Not really sure, without sacrificing things for her, how I could cut my hours dramatically 😕

But she ISN'T the resident parent, @PotteringAlong. She's the grandmother who's meant to be helping, not a parent.

Redshoeblue So. Work all day every day. Put her in full time nursery. And never see her?

@greentulips I know. I know that would solve it. But when I even try to discuss it calmly with her I am made to feel like an awful person. My mum cried last time and told me I was taking DD away from her. I love my mum... Even with all the grief. It kills me seeing her so upset.

Not going to soft play or not going out for lunch several times a week isn’t a sacrifice for a 3 year old.

@potteringalong I get your view point, I do. I could never be a SAHM and I feel guilty for being such a rubbish mum. But I am doing this for HER. We live in an awful area - I want to move away and give her a good life. I even plan to home school. This isn't forever. As as I said - I am up and about in the house 90% time DD is awake, just not doing 1-2-1 stuff with her. Most of the time I am gone us when she is asleep.

If I had put her in full time childcare would that be better? Really? Am I looking at this wrong?

If you simply move out now I'd say it could cause your dd real distress.

I was brought up my my grandparents and my mother left with me at 7 for a new man. He didn't like me.

I'd say he hated me. But I had massive separation anxiety leaving my
Primary care giver .

Why don't you just reduce the hours to spend a lot more quality time with your dd.

You are her parent. It sounds like you are happy for your mum to parent when it suits you but not when it doesn't.

Maybe weening them away from each other a bit - I was happy to spend time with my mum but she never wanted me.
Her dh turned out to be an abusive prick though and I now have no relationship with her - been no contact for 20 years. Be careful how
You handle this .

Does she need to go out to soft play or lunch several times a week? Seems like you're spending a lot of money so your mum doesn't get bored at home with your DD.

@potteringalong I get your view point, I do. I could never be a SAHM and I feel guilty for being such a rubbish mum. But I am doing this for HER. We live in an awful area - I want to move away and give her a good life. I even plan to home school. This isn't forever. As as I said - I am up and about in the house 90% time DD is awake, just not doing 1-2-1 stuff with her. Most of the time I am gone us when she is asleep.

If I had put her in full time childcare would that be better? Really? Am I looking at this wrong?

I don’t think it’s that full time childcare is better or worse (I work full time; my 3 go to childcare). I think it’s that if you’re going to give sole responsibility to one person for over 50% of the week, regardless of sleep / awake time and especially if that person is a close family member, then you can’t be surprised if they think they have a say in raising her.

@potteringalong I have no problem in her having any kind of say in her life. But given what I have said in my original post - this isn't about having just a say. I am openly criticised by her for things I do for my DD, she hates the only male role model in my daughter's life bc she feels left out... She is making decisions without even asking me first. Even if it was a over a 50% split with a co-parent - not even a grandparent- you really think she is being reasonable with what I have described??

@hellenbackagen

I would never just take her away from my mum, as I said before I love my mum and I don't want to hurt her. It just seems she is doing everything in her power to hurt me. Knowing full well I am struggling. And as I said - the tension in the house is horrendous. Its not healthly for anyone - especially a 3 year old. Even trying to have a calm conversation about any of this escalates with her.

My OH adores DD - do no danger of issues there. They are great with each other- and I would go as far as saying he is a better parent than me because he finds it so easy to interact with her. And I love my daughter- my life is hers - I would never make her feel unwanted or unloved.

Tbh. I feel pushed out. When my mum took over when so started back at work SHE is the person my DD ran to when she got hurt, she was the one that took her off me when I couldn't calm her down and had her smiling in seconds. I became pretty much a nothing in my DDs life - I used to cry myself to sleep. I think the constant feeling of uselessness from then had just carried over. My mum can always do things better - no matter how well I try - and I am reminded of that frequently.

I am literally so depressed all the time that I can't physically deal with fighting her anymore.

@AwdBovril

There are several reasons for taking her out rather than staying in... But maybe I need to look at that.

I struggle with her in the confines of the house. She gets easily bored and frustrated. I'm not good at the whole role playing/toys at home side of things. I have got better but I find it hard. When we're out of the house doing she is far happier and easier to deal with. I also feel like I'm making the time we spend together special.

She also doesn't really get out with my mum so often it is her only time out of the house all week.

Lastly - any chance we have to be out of the atmosphere in that house at the moment is a good thing - for all of us.

@potteringalong Regards to sacrifice. SHE asks to go out much of the time. Otherwise she would be stuck in the house 24/7. So I should just say no to her and disappoint her even more?

I'd rather my DD go to nursery than my DM thinking she owns her!

I think you need to put your daughter in a nursery, does she get the 30 hours yet? Also, as tough as a conversation it will be you need to set boundaries with your mum and you need to take over doing things with your daughter, good luck.