My mum overstepping the mark???

[Drowningrightnow]

I don't know what to do anymore.

This is long. Sorry - there is a lot of history which is relevant but I will keep it as brief as I can.

I never wanted kids. I fell pregnant whilst on birth control. My partner of 5 years - who at that point I was due to move in with - left me as soon as he found out (by text). I found out late - at 15 weeks - and although didn't want the pregnancy couldn't bare to go through with a late stage abortion. The plan was adoption on birth. My pregnancy is a blur - probably the worse experience in my life. I was sick everyday. I already had a history of MH issues and dealing with a relationship breakdown and a pregnancy I didn't want put me in a very dark place. My mum probably kept me alive through those months.

My midwives were not very supportive regarding the adoption idea. They kept delaying my contact with SS until close to the birth. My mum at that point had got attached to the bump and I felt guilty about just giving her up. I decided I would take her home and try - my mum's words were don't bring her home unless you want her to stay.... And that's where it starts.

I am not maternal. I am not a great mum. My daughter is now 3. I love her dearly and would never give her up.

I took extended maternity leave for 14 months. My mum agreed she would quit work to care for her so I could return to work (as the highest earner) and I would pay her. I mainly work nights - so she was going to take her overnight and some of the day while I slept and the rest of the time she wanted to spend training and getting the house re-done so she could be a childminder.

As it happens, she was made redundant just before she was due to quit and got nearly a years equivalent of redundancy pay. So she actually made no sacrifices in regards to work for me in the end.

Things didn't turn out like originally planned. My night shifts got more labour intensive and even with sleeping a few hours in the mornings I was still knackered and struggling with my DD. My mum had her most of the time and practically became her primary care giver 😕 Which means she had no time to focus on her own business and the child minding thing never happened. I still get blamed for that.

I was and still am extremely grateful for what my mum has done. DD is pretty challenging a lot of the time. But my relationship with her has now broken down yo an extent where I don't think it's salvageable.

I still work on average 50-80 hours a week. Nights and evenings mainly. Between night shifts I usually only manage a max of 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). I am always tired and I know I can be difficult to deal with sometimes due to that. Some days I do find it hard to take DD for more than a few hours as I'm so exhausted.

My mum has slowly taken over everything. She feeds her and cooks pretty much all her meals 90% time. She takes her to bed. She does her washing. She pretty much veto's anything I want to do with her if it's going to affect her structure for the day (e.g going out to late in the afternoon etc) which I can understand and have learned to accept. The latest thing is she now co-sleeps with her - as I am away most nights and DD didn't want to be in the cot anymore. She has her on nights even when I'm home so I can get a proper nights sleep on the rare occasion I can.

I should make it clear here I live in the same house as my mum. I also pay her for childcare (and rent). She takes between 1/3-1/2 of my wage every month (approx 600) depending on my shifts. I pay for everything for my DD - food, clothing, activities etc.

Things have been bumpy but we have muddled through. Up until I met my new partner a year and a half ago.

Home life is now unbearable unless I don't challenge anything. My sister moved out 3 months ago and I said I could not afford half the bills - so suggest my OH move in (as a lodger in a separate room). He pays rent and helps out in the house were he can. She has always hated him - she has given various reasons over the course of the time we have been together but today - after a massive argument - her reasoning is that he was too forward getting involved with DD and interfered in situations when my mum was handling her and she didn't want help (crying, temper tantrums etc). I should say my OH has only ever tried to help calm her down and would never overstep and overrule either myself or my mum.

She criticises him for every little thing (not to his face - she just digs at me). He does not like confrontation and is sensitive - it upsets him ALOT but my but she thinks he's putting it on. He is in the house much of the time but tries to stay out the way when I'm working because he feels so uncomfortable. He doesn't currently work but there are genuine reasons for this and he is signed off long-term. She also criticises him for that. I have said we can all just move out elsewhere but thenI'm taking DD away from herandreplacing her

DD adores him. He adores her. But my mum won't see with whatever reasoning I give her that him being in her life is a positive thing (DD has no other male role models). My mum seems to be under the impression that my OH is taking over and trying to replace her and I'm happy for it to happen.

Today things have come to a head. I just want to leave with DD and not come back but I rely so heavily on my mum I feel so trapped.

She told me today that she had been raising DD herself for the last two years almost as though DD was HER child. She arranged with my sister (who I do not have a great relationship with) to do DDs first ever Easter egg hunt this year. This is a tradition we had growing up. It wasn't even discussed with me. I am working Easter Sunday/Monday but had planned to do it with her later in the week when I have days off. I told my mum it was a big thing for me and that they had over stepped the mark not even asking me. My mum said that my sister was family (another dig at my OH) and shouldn't have to ask permission to do things with her!! And that there was no needs to ask me first because I was working and obviously wasn't bothered.

Am I going crazy here? Am I in the wrong?? My life feels like it's out of control and I don't know what to do. I get criticised for parenting when I do. It's not like I never care for my child - I watch her most days and she goes out to activities with me several times a week (soft play/park/swimming lessons). I can't afford to quit work. But I can see no way to resolve this anymore.

She is due to start some nursery sessions after Easter (6 hours a week) with a view to extending- this might help. Both I just feel like I have no options right now.

Is my mum overstepping or am I in the wrong? I just don't know anymore. The atmosphere in the house is terrible- awful for my MH and terrible for DD. I need some opinions and I know you guys don't hold back. Please help me.

Your mum is not your daughters parent. You are. That’s why this problem has arisen. If your were having these issues with a partner would you stay? Get out with your daughter and encourage your daughter and mother to have a good relationship. This is entirely within your control

Have not rtft but I would think your dd probably has an equal attachment with both of you, possibly your Mum is dds primary attachment figure (understandable in the circumstances and I am impressed with how well you have done with your attachment). So if there is any new arrangement there should be a smooth transition and continued access, just like if you were divorcing her Dad.

@wallsbangers

Please tell me why she is allowed to dislike him? She doesn't even KNOW him. From the moment he came into our lives she has resented him being near my daughter. If it was genuine concern you would think she would want to get to know him - but she pretty much ignores his existence.

And yet: When my sister moved her boyfriend in for three months last year - something I was unhappy about because they had been together for SIX MONTHS and I knew nothing about him - she welcomed him with open arms. She had no issue with him having contact with DD. So please explain that logic to me?

And our relationship is not new. We have been together for a year and a half now. DD has known him since before she turned two. SHE ADORES HIM. And he treats her as his own. He literally is the most inoffensive, gentle man I have met. But she HATES him - literally hates him. Why?

You have been together a year and a half. What has he done to ensure you can move out to your own place. Where did he live before he moved into your mum’s as a lodger in a separate room?

Letting someone you hate move into your home? Really?

Your DM is invested in making you reliant on her and solely her. Chipping away your self esteem as a mum, emotional blackmail and not allowing your DP to get close. That keeps you ensnared and her claws in your DD.

Shes "allowed" to dislike your DP cos you've moved him under her roof!! If you just moved out it wouldn't make any difference if she disliked him or not as you wouldn't all be in the same house.

Finally you're right, you are going to lose out on something no matter what option you take. All the excuses you're making show there is no ideal solution. You've just got to decide which is the lesser of all those evils or continue to be replaced in your DDs life. The longer it continues, the worse it'll be for her. As for your mum not affording her house, I wouldn't give two shits about that if I was seeing my own DC being taken from me under my own nose & I was just letting it happen.

As for your rescue birds...?! WTAF?!!! I cant believe they are EVEN a factor in this!

I'd rather my DD go to nursery than my DM thinking she owns her!

This, sorry OP, would kill me living like this, i would be looking for a new job and moving out asap, you won't be taking your daughter away from your mum, just establishing a more normal grandchild/grandparent relationship. You are her mum and it's your decision how she is raised and it should be you she runs to.
You could try nursery 3 days a week and your mum the other 2?
I hope this gets better OP.

Any reason you can't move out and your (not working) partner can't look after her?

You could still live close to your Mum, you don't have to move across the country.

Unfortunately many people can't afford a mortgage and need to rent. Perhaps you should look at that.

Many landlords will take pets as long as the property is returned to the same condition at the end of the tenancy; so any damage repaired and carpets washed etc.

Well obviously I don't have the answers because I'm not your mum. She is entitled to dislike him as much as you're entitled to like him. Your living situation isn't making this any better - you moved him into her house (yes I know you pay towards it), he doesn't work so is there all the time. Even the best friendships/relationships are tried by all being under one roof.

PS if you move out and your mum cant afford her house, that's her problem to sort and you can't feel guilty for that, you need your life and your daughter back and you need to be strong
My daughter goes to nursery 5 days a week 8-5:30 ish, she needs to so we can work, she loves nursery, i don't get why you think that is worse that what you have now. I think nursery would help her in terms of her getting bored and frustrated, would give her stimulation, friends.

Thing is OP, you keep arguing that you trump your DM as you are your DD's mother - but that's not how she sees it at the moment. For at least 2 years if your DD has woken scared in the night it's your DM who has tended to her, read her stories, put her to bed, got her up on a morning. By moving in and giving your DM free reign on being the parent she has taken on this role - I couldn't deal with it personally but you have set no boundaries. You have allowed your DM to be the parent here, and Surely can now see why she is so upset about that being taken away?

I really don't mean to be harsh op but you need to get rid of any barriers. This is your daughter?! Why are your animals (that could maybe stay with your mum?) more important than your child? Parents have to send their kids to nursery to work and do the best for them.
I'm being harsh because this is the reality of being a parent. Honestly, if you're not maternal and you're not interested in making your daughter's life better then let your mum be the main parent, be the fun aunt who visits at weekends? You're acting like the changes people are suggesting are impossible but i rehomed my cats because we needed a rental place, lived in the shittiest of one bed flats with my Partner and DD and changed jobs to work around her. It's not impossible at all, we did it and we rebuilt our lives now we have a beautiful house and love our jobs but you have to make sacrifices when you have a child.

Get rid of the animals, your daughter is more important. Rent a small property with your partner and continue to save for the mortgage. Look for a new job and arrange childcare. Do something to change this situation for your daughter. All you are doing is putting barriers in the way.

Is money the issue here? From what you've written, I don't think you can afford to move out, can you? Obviously it's cheaper with you all under one roof, and doesn't involve an upheaval for anyone.

So if moving out is not a possibility, it seems to me that you've got to stay, at least for the time being (probably until your man gets a job, as, realistically, it often takes two salaries whether you rent or buy).

Sorry to say this, but it does seem as if you're going to have to thole it, as we say in Scotland.

How can you find a way for the four of you to live together that provides a safe and happy home for your daughter? Can you explain to your mother that you are trying your best to bond with your child, you want to do things for her and spend time with her - and could you ask your mum for her support to help you do this? Would you be prepared to listen to her point of view, without being defensive? Could you talk to your mother without accusing her of trying to take your daughter away from you, and without dwelling on old resentments, and keep to the point: your relationship with your daughter?

Staying together might be more difficult than any of the other suggestions made here - but if you can't afford to move, you have no choice, afaics.

Your mum could downsize
She could get a lodger
She could advertise on AirB&B
She could get a job

Lots of things