My mum overstepping the mark???

[Drowningrightnow]

I don't know what to do anymore.

This is long. Sorry - there is a lot of history which is relevant but I will keep it as brief as I can.

I never wanted kids. I fell pregnant whilst on birth control. My partner of 5 years - who at that point I was due to move in with - left me as soon as he found out (by text). I found out late - at 15 weeks - and although didn't want the pregnancy couldn't bare to go through with a late stage abortion. The plan was adoption on birth. My pregnancy is a blur - probably the worse experience in my life. I was sick everyday. I already had a history of MH issues and dealing with a relationship breakdown and a pregnancy I didn't want put me in a very dark place. My mum probably kept me alive through those months.

My midwives were not very supportive regarding the adoption idea. They kept delaying my contact with SS until close to the birth. My mum at that point had got attached to the bump and I felt guilty about just giving her up. I decided I would take her home and try - my mum's words were don't bring her home unless you want her to stay.... And that's where it starts.

I am not maternal. I am not a great mum. My daughter is now 3. I love her dearly and would never give her up.

I took extended maternity leave for 14 months. My mum agreed she would quit work to care for her so I could return to work (as the highest earner) and I would pay her. I mainly work nights - so she was going to take her overnight and some of the day while I slept and the rest of the time she wanted to spend training and getting the house re-done so she could be a childminder.

As it happens, she was made redundant just before she was due to quit and got nearly a years equivalent of redundancy pay. So she actually made no sacrifices in regards to work for me in the end.

Things didn't turn out like originally planned. My night shifts got more labour intensive and even with sleeping a few hours in the mornings I was still knackered and struggling with my DD. My mum had her most of the time and practically became her primary care giver 😕 Which means she had no time to focus on her own business and the child minding thing never happened. I still get blamed for that.

I was and still am extremely grateful for what my mum has done. DD is pretty challenging a lot of the time. But my relationship with her has now broken down yo an extent where I don't think it's salvageable.

I still work on average 50-80 hours a week. Nights and evenings mainly. Between night shifts I usually only manage a max of 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). I am always tired and I know I can be difficult to deal with sometimes due to that. Some days I do find it hard to take DD for more than a few hours as I'm so exhausted.

My mum has slowly taken over everything. She feeds her and cooks pretty much all her meals 90% time. She takes her to bed. She does her washing. She pretty much veto's anything I want to do with her if it's going to affect her structure for the day (e.g going out to late in the afternoon etc) which I can understand and have learned to accept. The latest thing is she now co-sleeps with her - as I am away most nights and DD didn't want to be in the cot anymore. She has her on nights even when I'm home so I can get a proper nights sleep on the rare occasion I can.

I should make it clear here I live in the same house as my mum. I also pay her for childcare (and rent). She takes between 1/3-1/2 of my wage every month (approx 600) depending on my shifts. I pay for everything for my DD - food, clothing, activities etc.

Things have been bumpy but we have muddled through. Up until I met my new partner a year and a half ago.

Home life is now unbearable unless I don't challenge anything. My sister moved out 3 months ago and I said I could not afford half the bills - so suggest my OH move in (as a lodger in a separate room). He pays rent and helps out in the house were he can. She has always hated him - she has given various reasons over the course of the time we have been together but today - after a massive argument - her reasoning is that he was too forward getting involved with DD and interfered in situations when my mum was handling her and she didn't want help (crying, temper tantrums etc). I should say my OH has only ever tried to help calm her down and would never overstep and overrule either myself or my mum.

She criticises him for every little thing (not to his face - she just digs at me). He does not like confrontation and is sensitive - it upsets him ALOT but my but she thinks he's putting it on. He is in the house much of the time but tries to stay out the way when I'm working because he feels so uncomfortable. He doesn't currently work but there are genuine reasons for this and he is signed off long-term. She also criticises him for that. I have said we can all just move out elsewhere but thenI'm taking DD away from herandreplacing her

DD adores him. He adores her. But my mum won't see with whatever reasoning I give her that him being in her life is a positive thing (DD has no other male role models). My mum seems to be under the impression that my OH is taking over and trying to replace her and I'm happy for it to happen.

Today things have come to a head. I just want to leave with DD and not come back but I rely so heavily on my mum I feel so trapped.

She told me today that she had been raising DD herself for the last two years almost as though DD was HER child. She arranged with my sister (who I do not have a great relationship with) to do DDs first ever Easter egg hunt this year. This is a tradition we had growing up. It wasn't even discussed with me. I am working Easter Sunday/Monday but had planned to do it with her later in the week when I have days off. I told my mum it was a big thing for me and that they had over stepped the mark not even asking me. My mum said that my sister was family (another dig at my OH) and shouldn't have to ask permission to do things with her!! And that there was no needs to ask me first because I was working and obviously wasn't bothered.

Am I going crazy here? Am I in the wrong?? My life feels like it's out of control and I don't know what to do. I get criticised for parenting when I do. It's not like I never care for my child - I watch her most days and she goes out to activities with me several times a week (soft play/park/swimming lessons). I can't afford to quit work. But I can see no way to resolve this anymore.

She is due to start some nursery sessions after Easter (6 hours a week) with a view to extending- this might help. Both I just feel like I have no options right now.

Is my mum overstepping or am I in the wrong? I just don't know anymore. The atmosphere in the house is terrible- awful for my MH and terrible for DD. I need some opinions and I know you guys don't hold back. Please help me.

I agree with PepsiLola and I think this is a weird set up

Firstly - you say that you are really so depressed you can't fight her. Some of this depression could be PND, but some of it could be feeling helpless about this situation. I would maybe think about going to the GP if you feel low a lot of the time, explain how it is affecting your life, and seeing what the dr can do. DON'T minimise or let them fob you off.

Then if I were you I'd make a plan and start slowly transitioning now - look at child development websites that argue that nursery interaction is good for the development of children.

Check entitlement to nursery hours

Find a nursery place who can offer you 15 or 30 free hours.

Start putting her in a for those hours (partly so you can get some sleep and partly so you can look for a job with normalish hours) - cite child development etc.

Look for a job so you can still see your daughter and work.

Lots of parents work and see their children around child care. She will be going to school soon and then she will be out in the day - but it might be too late if your mother is positioning herself as main carer for your daughter.

Start taking back control - make a plan for moving out by the time she goes to school - if not before. As a PP poster said - you don't want to make this too soon, but start detaching from your mother and reattaching to you and use nursery for childcare for a bit to even up the balance and then you can consider moving house

Just my views though - you know your life best!

Your mum is currently your child’s primary carer and as such is not over stepping boundaries.

You can get a new job and move out but it sounds like you don’t want to go down that route.

@jackshouse I could move out. But it would KILL my mum. I said in an earlier post I have said this is an option but my mum then accused me of taking her away from her. The other thing I haven't mentioned till now: If I leave my mum cannot afford to run the house. There is no mortgage but she currently doesn't have an income apart from that coming from myself and my partner. If we leave - there is nothing. Even if she found a job the chances of it being enough to keep the house is extremely slim. So she would then be forced to sell at a stupid price (as the house needs much work) and be stuck with little to nothing. Seems a little cruel don't you think?

And as for finding another job? Can you please point me in that direction of the new job queue. I have looked. I have told my mum if SHE gets something part time I will drop some of my hours. But nothing came of that....

And. She may be her primary carer. But I am her mother Are you telling me because of that I have no say at all in what happens in her life? That I have to choose between a relationship with a fantastic guy that loves my daughter because my mum is jealous of their relationship?? That she can be deliberately spiteful (She sat with a smirk on her face this afternoon when telling me that she didn't need to check important things with me). Really? So I should just let her take full control and just not bother with my daughter at all? Right.

Why do you feel guilty about wanting your own life? It is allowed you know. Your mother is responsible for her own life, yet isboiggy backing on your hard work. Normal parents don’t do that!! I wouldn’t take from my children, it’s my job to give!! I also want my children to be indenpendant, I want them to leave home and enjoy the freedom that brings that allows them to make their own way. If grandkids come along, I’d be happy to help, to a degree, but they are their responsibility, why would I take that pleasure and learning curve from them?

You are in a messed up situation.

From your previous posts it sounds like you are planning to move away from the area eventually anyway - surely your mum will equally not be able to afford to run her house then, so why are you so reluctant to move out now? Sounds like you need to put some (temporary) distance between you and your mother for your own mental health - and before your daughter becomes too confused as to who should be the primary mother-figure in her life.

@windinmyhair

I have been through the mill in regards to depression/MH. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and have had it on and off since a teen. Another reason why being a mum was never something I saw in my future. Unfortunately it seems very much like tablets are always the answer - I have tried counselling which didn't help much. Self help has worked best for me - going to the gym once a day really helped - but I now have no time to go and train.

DD almost always sees the smily me. I try to shield her from my loss. Which can also be very exhausting.

Nursery is an option. I have just done a first settling in session. And she is due to start for a couple of afternoons after Easter. I am looking at extending this if she's okay - but the idea of leaving her all day every day eventually is hard for me to deal with.

I really don't just want to see her for an hour before nursery and then a couple of hours before she goes to bed - but perhaps I am just being selfish 😔

The problem in that is still that I can't afford to pay childcare prices full time. I do get 30 hours... But only term time... Which means over the holidays I will be completely stuck if I change the daytime hours.

Nursery is however a good way forward I think for now - just to try and even up the balance a bit. Thank you ❤

No one is saying you shouldn’t bother with your daughter, of course they’re not. But listen to your posts:

Can’t move out
Can’t stop paying mum
Can’t use nursery
Can’t disappoint a 3 year old by not taking them out for lunch
Can’t get a new job
Can’t reduce hours

So what’s your plan? Because you’ve had lots of advice telling you how to fix it and you just say you can’t do it.

You’ve acknowledged in your last post that you’re not your daughter’s primary carer. That’s what you need to fix.

Right, crossed posts there.

I honestly think nursery and a few hours before and after (which is what most people get) is better than what you’ve got now.

@multiplemum3 Yes. You're right. I just feel like an outsider in the family - I don't feel I have the right to take back over anymore. My mum herself has told me straight out I could never cope with her by myself. I don't know if I can cope... I Don't want DD to suffer for my failings 🙁

@potteringalong.

Yes. I have a counter argument for everything. That is what brought me here. I have played out all my options and come to nothing. I am grateful for all the advice - from every side - it's why I came here. I knew I would get a hard time from some of you.

I cannot change job without having childcare. DD is just starting nursery (was in my first post) but even if I do put her into full time that only covers the term time. What do I do holiday times if I change my job to daytime hours?

Finding a new job is also not easy. My skills are for a certain career - which is always going to involve anti social hours. I could do something unskilled but that would be probably be close to minimum wage. And if only able to work when my DD is at nursery I would be earning literally nothing.

I CAN move out. I WANT to go. But it will kill my mum. I can tell you she won't forgive me. I don't know then how DD would get to see her regularly as we barely talk civilly now. And - as I also mentioned earlier - my mum would lose the house.

I really don't just want to see her for an hour before nursery and then a couple of hours before she goes to bed - but perhaps I am just being selfish

Join the rest of the working population!

People manage

Your partner doesn’t work? What would his contribution be? Can he mind her in the holidays?

Also I think they can spread the 30 hours over 12 months so you top up the difference all year rather than pay 30 plus hours over the holidays

I think your “D”M might have done a number on you.
She is undermining you at every turn to preserve her own position.
I think you should think through your past history. Why is it your responsibility to keep her in a house that is beyond her means?
It sounds very off to me. Have you had counselling? I think your mother is invested in you being “rubbish mother” and there is an element of sabotage.
I feel desperately sorry for you. However it’s not too late to change things. You are not powerless, although she won’t let it be easy.

I think your “D”M might have done a number on you

I do too! Parent should support and praise their kids.

If this was a relationship with a DH everyone would be telling you to leave:

You're putting up barriers here to make changes. Yes, only seeing your child for a couple of hours per day if she's in nursery isn't ideal for you but she'll also get to explore, make friends, learn. Look at the positive.

Your mum's been willing to take on a lot of hard graft to help you so you need to have a decent conversation with her about your future plans. It sounds like your relationship has gone south with your mum because of your new partner. She's allowed to dislike him and she's being naturally cautious about his relationship with DD, something that only seems sensible.

@greentulips

Yes - that would have been ideal but even though I went to see several nurseries, absolutely none them offered the extended hours over 12 months. A good percentage of them close for holidays anyway. I looked miles out. Apparently they aren't obliged to.

My partner doesn't currently work - no. But he is hoping very soon to get back into something. He wants to train as a teacher so most likely he will be going to college at least part-time.

He does so much already - we are like a super team when we're together as a unit out of the disapproving eyes of my mum. We'll be chasing round the soft play place with a group of kids chasing us and DD because none of the other parents want to get involved. I actually feel like a mum when we're out of the house and all together - but then he really does support me in my decisions with DD.

I do feel though that DD isn't HIS responsibility and getting him to take over care is unfair. He always offers to help and he literally gives her his all when they are together BUT he burns out quickly and I don't think he could cope caring for her days on end. As I mentioned he is on long term sick - and has been for a few years - and I don't want to pile things onto him that he can't deal with.

@lightdrizzle

It's a horrible situation. I just sometimes can't tell if it's all my fault - letting it get this far. Whether I'm being difficult or she's being malicious...

You know.... I would just be happy if everyone else could be happy - even if it wasn't right for me. I just want everyone to get on... I want DD to grow up surrounded by people that love her in a harmonious home. I don't want to hurt or alienate anyone. I feel so much guilt for everything all the time. I just don't understand why everything has to be a fight 😔

This is a difficult one. Clearly something has to change, Drowning, but maybe you shouldn't do anything in a rush. Step by step. The first changes are already underway: you are now in a couple and your daughter will be starting nursery. See how that goes.

Stand back, and focus on your daughter. What would be best for her, bearing in mind that she has three adults in her life who love her and can look after her? Trust your judgement as an adult who has her interests at heart. Then work from there: how can you make it happen?

Each time you come up against the thought, 'I can't do X because of Y', try to change that thought to 'How can I do X by causing as little upset as possible to Y?

Would it be an idea to get some family counselling (if there is any available)? What does your man think you should do?

Bit by bit, you are probably going to have to set some boundaries for your mother, as other posters have said. But go gently. Good luck.

You have got every excuse in the book for not becoming an independent adult and moving into your own place and parenting your own child. I understand you did not want a child but that is neither here nor there. You do have one!! You are a responsible adult working full time in a good relationship with a partner who is willing to step up as a co-parent as far as I can tell from what you have said. If he trains as a teacher he will be available during evening and night. working parents see their children for a limited period of time. Join the club. If your mother cared for you and your daughter she should be willing and able to continue providing you with some sort of childcare mutually agreeable. The rest of us workers use child care. From what you have says you have a deeply disturbing relationship with your mother. It seems like she is abusive towards you. That cannot continue. You cannot allow your daughter to be brought up in such a dysfunctional environment

Come on op. You know what needs to happen you just refuse to do it.

You will eventually have to move out but your DD will be older and it'll have more of an effect on her? Move out NOW before the animosity gets to her and so she can have a normal relationship with her grandmother. Staying is affecting your mental health, making you a worse mother.

You've basically said you're the mother your DD deserves when you're out without your mother. You need to be that person all the time or you need to move out and let your mother be your DDs primary care giver - what you're doing at the moment isn't fair.

Also, Full time nursery isn't a problem for any child. They love nursery and they have clear boundaries and understanding of who cares for them and when. You've saved up some money so move out NOW, even if you have to rent. You've said you'll be entitled to government help so you'll even be financially better off?

There's literally no part of your and your DDs life that won't be made instantly better by moving out - it's just mum that'll be a bit sad. Sorry op but as a parent you have to put your child first no matter what. Please start doing that.

There wa s thread on here not long ago but the daughter was older (about 11/12) same set up and the mother had an awful time separating the family so she could move on and be nearer the boyfriend/work etc

Unless you want change nothing will happen

I don’t think you know what you want or you want something that doesn’t exist. You say you couldn’t cope with being a SAHM, which is fine, and you say you don’t like/can’t play with your child at home but you want to home educate. I can’t see how these this will work.

50-80 hours for £1200-2000 is below minimum wage surely?
You'd get paid more working in Aldi!

Seriously, it's not too late to repair your relationship with your daughter. But you need to sort your job out first. There's no point doing long hours for shit pay if it is physically exhausting you.

@jackshouse I neither said I don't like or can't. I said I found it difficult to do the normal mumsy play things like role playing and that it is easier for me when we both have a proper focus activity outside the house. I am not natural mum. I have said this several times. I have been trying and I am getting better.

In regards to home schooling - that is a focused activity. I can teach - and once she is at that age (5 ish) I hope she will be more settled and I will be in a better place financially and with more time. Home schooling is also likely to involve the support of other parent groups and tutors - support is something that would actually really help me but is very limited in my life right now.

What I envisioned - what was discussed before DD was born I realise has just turned into a monster. I was lost, panicking and completely out of my depth back then - it's only now I am feeling adult enough to try and resolve this.

I rightly or wrongly have always seen this situation as similar to co-parenting with a partner. One person is stay at home, one person goes out and works to bring in the income - no different to a relatively normal family set up. It seems however that because I have opted to do this I am being pretty severely punished. I wonder how many of you that have been harsh on my situation have a partner who goes out and works full time? Who gets only weekends or odd hours here and there with their kids. I wonder if you think they should get any less of a say in their child's life because they are not there constantly. Not an attack - I honestly would like to know how - taking away the other issues in my situation - you can differentiate between those two situations Because I know many Dads (mainly dads) and do exactly that.

@Beargrin

The only government help I get is 30 hours free childcare. That's it. She is just starting nursery and I will look at extending her hours in time. I don't agree that ALL kids excel in nursery - I don't think you can make a sweeping statement like that. I am sure she will be fine but as I have some real concerns that she has some markers of ADHD at the moment I am taking that side slowly.

In regards to moving? I don't have enough for a mortgage yet. I am saving as hard as I can but I'm sure you realise how much money you need to buy a house? I have previously looked at council housing but due to the area we live in - even as a lone single mum - I could be waiting years. Unless ofcourse I declared myself homeless and stayed in a hostel for months - and would any parent willing expose their child to that??

I have large dog, a cat and a shed load (literally) of rescue birds so renting is obviously near on impossible as most landlords won't tolerate pets.

It's fine everyone here saying I am putting up barriers to solutions. But these aren't barriers - this is my life. If you don't think I have considered every option by now...