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Original poster

Heart broken my family are not bothered....

52 replies

SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 16:00

When I found out I was pregnant everyone was so excited and I was genuinely looking forward to spending time with my family and all bonding once DS was born.

I had the usual endless visitors in the first week or so after DS was born and then nothing.

DH is amazing but my only support. My family say they care but just actually don't bother too much, they will pop over every so often but actually don't help or really pay DS much attention . IL live close but we have had nothing from them either.

DH is great when here but he obviously works a lot, I get out and see friends and go to different groups and classes so all good there, I love my DS to pieces, the best thing that has happened to me, I guess I am just sad that no one seems to care, after all the excitement at bring pregnant and the birth, everyone has just left me to it, i get they have there own lives and he is my baby, but most of all I am utterly heartbroken for my DS as I thought he would have a big extended family who would dote on him and in actual fact he never sees them.

Am I being unreasonable or does anyone else feel like this....?

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 29/03/2019 16:02

How old is DS?

Jessgalinda · 29/03/2019 16:04

How old is he?

And how often is every so often?

crosser62 · 29/03/2019 16:06

Yep.
But, you have to get over it I’m afraid as there is nothing you can do about it.

Maybe as your baby gets older, they may take more of an interest, if not, it’s a bitter pill to swallow but it is what it is I’m afraid.

I had no help and no interest from family. Even through very very difficult times, I had nothing from any of them when I desperately needed their help.

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shiningstar2 · 29/03/2019 16:27

Inevitably after the initial excitement people have to get on with life, jobs,shopping, chores ext ext. That only leaves weekends when people have hobbies, social lives, more chores ext ext. If they have older kids they also have the taking, bringing back from school,nurseries, clubs, hobbies ext. If you are the first and no-one else in the family has a baby then its gym ext after work, hobbies and socializing at weekends. If you are on maternity leave you will inevitably have more time, although busy with baby, when others are out at work.

I would invite them round at specific times which suit you or ask to meet them for shopping and coffee with the baby. I know this isn't quite what you are looking for but it may be a way to start getting a bit more interest. Congratulations on your lovely new son op.

mollyblack · 29/03/2019 16:29

Same here, family not interested in being involved or supportive. It really sucks and it really hurts but there is nothing you can do.

Original poster
SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 16:30

DS is nearly 7 months old.

I don't expect help from anyone necessarily, I can manage fine and love being a mom, I just think if they were not around then fine, but to be close by and not bother.........I just feel sad for him.

OP posts:
alislim · 29/03/2019 16:31

My in-laws etc are the same. Talked a good game and continue to do so but talk is cheap. They never bother. Stuff them I say. There loss.
Enjoy your little one. Sounds like you don't need them. And you can't make them want to bother. X

gamerchick · 29/03/2019 16:33

What does doting on him look like?

Generally after the initial brand new meetings things do tend to drift off. I'm not sure why you're heartbroken about it Confused he won't notice or care as he's only interested in you anyway.

Original poster
SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 16:36

He will when he's older and it actually does upset me...

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 29/03/2019 16:53

7 months is still early days though. Can you break it down a bit? Who are you most upset about not seeing him, is it your mum? A sibling? And how often would you say this person sees him?

Loseitandkeepitlost · 29/03/2019 16:58

They may be more interested once he is walking and talking. Although we all love our own babies, they aren’t that exciting for other people when they’re young!

KittyMcKitty · 29/03/2019 17:00

Before you were pregnant/ had your ds how often did you see yours / your dh’s family? Was it about the same as it is now?

As others have said people have lives / jobs etc and are generally busy:

How often do you see your family? Do they only come to you or do you go to them?

VanCleefArpels · 29/03/2019 17:02

I think you need to give your head a very gentle wobble.

Your family members have their own lives/commitments/worries. Your DS is probably nowhere near even the top ten of things on their priority list on a day to day basis.

What exactly do you want them to do to show they “dote” on the baby? If you cannot articulate that precisely that may indicate to you that you are perhaps expecting too much from them. If you can specify what you would like them to do in an ideal world then perhaps think how and if those actions might fit in to their daily life. Again, this may tell you if you are being unreasonable.

Think of it this way: they see a happy, contented and capable mum who is getting out and about with her baby, socialising with other mums etc. They see that you don’t need them to be in attendance. Birthdays, Christmas, family summer bbq’s are the times most people get together and fuss over new babies and where cousins get to play with each other.

Drum2018 · 29/03/2019 17:03

Do you invite them over? If not maybe they think you are busy and wouldn't want any intrusion. Alternatively if they weren't in the habit of calling over then I suppose they are just getting on with life. While yours has changed dramatically with new baby, theirs is still the same and they are just doing all they would have been doing pre baby. Can you not call to them?

gamerchick · 29/03/2019 17:08

Babies aren't that interesting to anyone other than their parents though for the most part OP. I'm not sure what you were expecting, what does dote look like?

When they get older, talking and able to have a conversation is when people take more of an interest. My parents generally didn't bother much with my kids until around 9 or 10.

mrsm43s · 29/03/2019 17:11

The thing is that 7 month old babies are not really that exciting to anyone but their parents!

What kind of "help" are you expecting from your family/ILs- If you mean doing your chores or sharing the responsibility of parenting your child etc you are definitely being unreasonable, if you mean babysitting occasionally when asked, then possibly less so, but as your LO is so young, people likely won't think to offer unless you ask.

How often are you taking your LO to visit your family? Are you making the effort? Do you invite them out for the day, or round for a visit? If this is something you want, you have to make the effort too.

Cushellekoala · 29/03/2019 17:13

My IL told me that as my DC was there 10th GC "the novelty had worn off" 😔

Original poster
SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 17:14

I guess you are right, my life has changed so much and he is the centre of my world but not everyone else's

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 29/03/2019 17:35

'I guess you are right, my life has changed so much and he is the centre of my world but not everyone else's'
Exactly, you have just answered this yourself.

PotolBabu · 29/03/2019 17:38

See as the mother of two, babies are sort of boring. Toddlers are far more entertaining and maddening. At least you can engage with them. Beyond a point unless you do a full on Mary Poppins it is hard to engage a 7 month old for too long.

Why don’t they come and visit YOU? You can chat with them about non baby things. You can socialise with them as you did as a family with the same frequency before you had a child. This does not have to involve ‘doting’ on your child. I think it’s good for kids to be part of the family without constantly being at the centre of it.

Original poster
SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 17:41

It's my mum's birthday next week, I will invite her round so she can spend some time with him.

OP posts:
Flicketyflack · 29/03/2019 17:41

My kids are 13 & 11 and both sets of grandparents have never really been bothered in any 'real' sense. I have felt every emotion relating to loss you can imagine.

It gets better with time SadSmile

VanCleefArpels · 29/03/2019 17:44

@potulbabu

I think it’s good for kids to be part of the family without constantly being at the centre of it

Abso-bloody-lutely. Chapeau

mrsm43s · 29/03/2019 17:45

I guess you are right, my life has changed so much and he is the centre of my world but not everyone else's

And that is exactly how it should be!

As I said before, are you making the effort to visit family, to invite them round or on days out? Because if you are just preoccupied with your LO day in and day out, then they probably think that you are happily enjoying motherhood and would prefer to be left alone. When they pop in, do you give them DS to hold, involve them with playing games etc, ask them to keep an eye on him while you pop the kettle on etc? They will probably take their lead from you as to how involved and hands on you want them to be.

HJWT · 29/03/2019 17:45

@SMDLCKCC1 do you make the effort to take DS to see them?