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Original poster

Heart broken my family are not bothered....

52 replies

SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 16:00

When I found out I was pregnant everyone was so excited and I was genuinely looking forward to spending time with my family and all bonding once DS was born.

I had the usual endless visitors in the first week or so after DS was born and then nothing.

DH is amazing but my only support. My family say they care but just actually don't bother too much, they will pop over every so often but actually don't help or really pay DS much attention . IL live close but we have had nothing from them either.

DH is great when here but he obviously works a lot, I get out and see friends and go to different groups and classes so all good there, I love my DS to pieces, the best thing that has happened to me, I guess I am just sad that no one seems to care, after all the excitement at bring pregnant and the birth, everyone has just left me to it, i get they have there own lives and he is my baby, but most of all I am utterly heartbroken for my DS as I thought he would have a big extended family who would dote on him and in actual fact he never sees them.

Am I being unreasonable or does anyone else feel like this....?

OP posts:
Original poster
SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 17:47

The "doteing" came from them, they were very excited when I was pregnant and it was them saying, they will "dote" on him, they will be round all the time to see him etc etc

OP posts:
Jessgalinda · 29/03/2019 17:59

Ok so how often did you see then before and how often do you see then now. Is it less? More?

How often do you invite them, go see them, arrange things?

I find it odd that it took this thread to prompt you to arrange something for your mums birthday.

People often do want to visit more except, they have their own lives, jobs, responsibilities etc. And it's not as easy as people think or hope.

Sprintfinish · 29/03/2019 18:04

OP I have felt similar. Both families delighted as first grandchild each side. Lots of interest initially but then in laws interest tailed right off. My parents have been great, despite my mum being ill and my dad being her carer. Both retired so we see them lots, but not really in a position to babysit.

In laws both always wanted grandchild but don't show much interest which is odd. I also feel really sad for DS about this. His only uncle hasn't shown a lot of interest either. As we have a small family I thought it would have been different.

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Original poster
SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 18:07

Once a week and now maybe once a month.

I have invited them over but feel like it's always me instigating it.

I had already thought about mum's birthday, my dad would normally arrange something but I think I will invite her over or have a day out as well.

I know it's not always that easy but my parents are retired so no work, but yes, they do have there own lives I know.

OP posts:
KittyMcKitty · 29/03/2019 18:09

It's my mum's birthday next week, I will invite her round so she can spend some time with him.

I think it’s a lovely idea to see your mum on her birthday but take a step back and look at what you’ve written:

You hadn’t thought to arrange anything for your mother’s birthday which is days away.

Your suggestion for your mothers birthday celebration is to ask her to your house to see your baby.

I appreciate babies are all consuming when they are your own but maybe try to centre your mother in her own birthday celebration?

Original poster
SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 18:11

Sprintfinish thank you

Very similar, first grandchild, small family, all excited, then nothing. I'm not wanting a baby sitter or any help just want DS to have them in his life

OP posts:
Original poster
SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 18:14

Kittymckitty my dad will arrange my mum's birthday as I said, but I will also invite her round or have a day out

OP posts:
Blahdeblahbahhhhh · 29/03/2019 18:16

My family are the same. Very disinterested. It’s hard and feels like rejected but I’m trying to come to terms with it. My mum often will spend time with other people’s children so it makes it even worse.

KittyMcKitty · 29/03/2019 18:18

SMDLCKCC1 but you’re an adult why is your dad doing your arranging for you?

I feel maybe your so consumed in your baby that you’re not putting effort into your relationships with other people? Invest in others and they will invest in you. Asking her to come and see your baby isn’t celebrating her birthday.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 29/03/2019 18:18

I’m sorry OP, but nobody will ever be as excited as you are about your baby. I don’t mean that in a nasty way, it’s just human nature that your DS is at the centre of your world, but at the periphery of other peoples’. Even family. Especially when he is so young.

Fr3d · 29/03/2019 18:18

He is still very young. I wouldn't have seen much of my nieces and nephews at that age, all they really want is mum. See a lot more of them from 3 years on when they can be left easier, tell you what they want, have days out, etc.

But yes, my dsis was very excited when I was pg...soon wore off and barely sees them.

MadameAnchou · 29/03/2019 18:26

I agree with kalin. I also think it's very presumptuous to assume it's a treat for your mother's birthday for her to come over and 'spend time' with him. It might be for some, but she may want to do something else for her birthday.

LetsSplashMummy · 29/03/2019 18:28

You might find it picks up when he is old enough to have his own relationship with them. Going to visit a baby, who sleeps a lot and the mum is always there, is a totally different dynamic to taking a two year old to the park.

Perhaps they feel they are in your way, or that they don't know what would fit your routine? Talk to them, don't write it off, perhaps suggest a regular time each week?

Original poster
SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 18:40

My dad isn't doing MY arranging, he will usually book a table or cook a meal for the whole family that's all.

Also yes I probably am consumed with my baby at the moment, I am still adjusting.

And I didn't mean she purely had to spend time with my DS but I would invite her over.

OP posts:
Wallsbangers · 29/03/2019 18:46

I understand, babies are quite full though. You've said you don't want any babysitting but actually maybe that would help? Give your parents time with the baby to get to know him and you get to not have to baby wrangle for an hour or two!

Original poster
SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 18:53

I'm a little nervous about leaving him as haven't left him yet, but agree it might help them bond x

OP posts:
cptartapp · 29/03/2019 19:58

My DM lived ten minutes away and was retired, yet we could easily go a month without seeing her when DC were little. Only ever babysat when asked (and they were in bed), never ever had them overnight in 14 years. PIL were an hour away and SIL DC took priority anyway! For many years we've managed as a nuclear family of four with very little unpaid help. Now teens and with my DM deceased, we're even closer. But when they were young and we were exhausted, it was hard.

Original poster
SMDLCKCC1 · 29/03/2019 22:28

Cptartapp
Sorry to hear it was tough but nice to know you are all really close! I feel like we are a little team of 3 and hope we will be that close Smile

OP posts:
TheLastPharl · 30/03/2019 07:27

God, only on MN would you be told you be told you shouldn’t be arsed that your family can’t be bothered to spend time with their grandchild!

YANBU op. I’ve got seven moth old twins and I would be devastated if my parents only wanted to see them now and again. Bugger all this “life gets in the way stuff” what on earth is more important than our families and the people we love?

I also don’t get the whole MN “babies are boring” thing. They so aren’t boring. They are little people with their own personalities by seven months and why would your family not want to be around to watch them grow.

I don’t really have any advice but I just wanted to assure you that you’re not overreacting to be upset by this.

Original poster
SMDLCKCC1 · 30/03/2019 07:48

Thelastpharl
Thank you so much
I think some thought I was expecting help/babysitting/my baby to be the centre of everything but that honestly wasn't how I meant it.
I do try and make the effort aswell i just would like them to want to spend more time with him as he will only be this little once, it's just not how I thought it would be that's all and it makes me sad for him, I can see them in my head all together playing, smiling, enjoying time together but it just isn't how it is!

Congrats on the twins, wow x

OP posts:
SquigglySquaw · 30/03/2019 07:48

Completely and wholeheartedly agree with the TheLastPharl.

Don't let the general Mumsnet consensus of "babies are boring, noone else gives a shit" make you feel like you're being unreasonable. Grandparents should be interested and want to be involved as much as possible, why wouldn't they?! My mum is an hour away so we see her 3 times a month on average but I speak to her most days, send photos occasionally. She'd see my 5 month old every day if she could though! My ILs are the same, can't keep them away sometimes! It's lovely and exactly how it should be.

Maybe mention it to your mum, just be honest and say it upsets you. She probably doesn't even realise.

Yellowcar2 · 30/03/2019 08:26

I'm a mum of 3, 6yo, 2yo & 9mo. I have family very close by but apart from the initial meet the baby at my house family wouldn't pop around as they didn't know if baby or I was sleeping, having an exhausting covered in sick pj day.
So if I wanted to see my family I would go to them. They would make lunch or dinner have cuddles and a chat. Or I would meet them for a coffee or day out.
In a nice way I'm not sure why they have to come to you if you went to them more you would see them more.

TheLastPharl · 30/03/2019 09:06

If course you want them to want to spend time with him opFlowers I’m so sorry they are letting you down like they are. You are totally within your rights to feel upset and you don’t have to justify yourself here.

Thank you for the congratsSmile

@SquigglySquaw The babies are boring thing really baffles me! It’s so not true.

gamerchick · 30/03/2019 11:40

@SquigglySquaw The babies are boring thing really baffles me! It’s so not true

Speak for yourself. I couldn't wait to be over the baby stage, kids are much more interesting after 3.

coral13 · 30/03/2019 16:15

Slightly other point of view from my experience.

I think sometimes people don't want to intetupt or interfere too much.

One of my friends had her baby last month. When she was pregnant we spoke a lot more and now I tend to wait for me to message me more. I am aware of it but I'm scared to keep interrupting as she's just had a baby but don't want to not get in contact. At the moment I'm sort of waiting for her to get in contact as normally that means baby is asleep and she's bored and then will talk for ages. It is hard to know what to do sometimes though.

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