Husband - going out after newborn

[Chivari]

Bit of advice needed on husband going out after our baby is born. My husband has a history of not being able to handle his drink, however he is improving. I should also mention that when he gets drunk it gives me serious anxiety due to some of the things he has done in the past through being very drunk (one causing us to nearly break up). So often the mere mention of him going 'for a few' with his mates makes me feel very on edge and anxious, but not wanting to spoil his fun I let him go.

Throughout my pregnancy he has carried on drinking, periodically going out with friends but not getting really drunk - which I can handle. However, he is now talking about organising a day out with friends 2 weeks after my due date. I haven't yet raised it with him, but I'm not very happy. Firstly, I'm concerned that our baby is likely to only be a few weeks old (if not less) and I am going to be left on my own for the day whilst he goes out to enjoy himself. Secondly, I feel irritated by the fact that he has already automatically assumed the baby is going to be more my responsibility than his. Yes I plan to breastfeed, but I wonder how he would feel if I told him I'm going to express a load of milk then leave him to look after a newborn at a few weeks old. I know he would not be happy.

I just wonder if I am being a little oversensitive/emotional, or whether others agree? What were your husbands like when you had a very new newborn?

You may not necessarily have had the baby then.

He's a thoughtless twat, sorry.

You'd better get used to doing this alone by the sound of it.

Thanks for your reply @JaneEyre07

It's frustrating as I'm stuck between feeling guilty like I should just let him go (he said he won't drink but that is besides the point) to thinking no way that's not fair! Maybe I should express a load of milk and then leave him one day. He might then understand better... I know when I raise it with him he will just get defensive

It's our first baby so I think there is still an element of him not fully realising what a responsibility it is!

I think I'd go with the "we can't plan anything until baby is here and we are all knowing how we are feeling/coping".

His responsibility is going to be to you and your baby over the next few months, not days out drinking with his mates. I'd start the way you mean to go on here if it's been an issue in the past.

I hope it all goes well for you

He's already decided you will be looking after the baby would be my concern.

Unless he's made comments about the night out and hangover childcare you're also having?

I'm currently sat here at 40+11....your baby may only be a couple of days old at that point, I won't be letting my DH swan off for the day, the first few days / weeks of adjustment are seriously hard!

He sounds like a thoughtless immature idiot. I'm concerned that you thought it was a good idea to have a baby right now TBH.

Thank you @JaneEyre07

Thanks also for everyone else's replies! @lilmishap @snowone @TapasForTwo

It seems I am not being unreasonable. I think I need to have a serious chat with him. He is out at the moment actually! Just txt me saying he is going to be later home and I should eat without him. I'm currently 35 weeks pg - it just stresses me out which I don't need. I've been in 2 minds to stop him drinking whilst I have been pg because I've had to stop. Maybe I'm too soft with him! Just fed up of feeling like I'm constantly ruining his fun

Though it may be unlikely I'd be concerned about him going out before the baby too. What if you go into labour and he's out with the lads? How are you getting to hospital?

You need to think about what support you need in those early months and how he's going to provide that and talk to him about it.

Whilst I agree he’s thoughtless and it’s not the best idea to plan something when you will have a newborn and you have every right to tell him how you feel...:but jeeze you sound controlling OP.

“Maybe I’m too soft with him”
“I let him go”

You do know this is a grown adult, you aren’t his mother!

"I've been in 2 minds to stop him drinking"

I'm sorry, but you can't stop anyone from drinking. He needs to realise himself.

Good advice @Wallsbangers

@OnlyFoolsnMothers completely agree he is a grown adult - not sure he thinks like one sometimes!

@TapasForTwo also agree with your comment. Not sure he will realise though if I don't tell him. Think he will just carry on. Maybe I just need to wait until baby is here then it might sink in

How are you getting to hospital? It's entirely reasonable for men to stop drinking around 36 weeks if they need to drive you

He will be driving me @Ragh apparently he is going to stop after 37 weeks. Not sure how he would have coped if he was the one having the baby with 9 months of no drinking!

My comment to him would be - ‘how are you going to look after me and our new born baby if you’re out of the house?’

I would tell him he can't plan anything until after baby has arrived and let him do something a couple of weeks after the actual birth rather than the due date.

Also not sure if you know but they don't recommend expressing until 6 weeks when your supply is established. I'd not tell him that though and use the threat x

"Maybe I just need to wait until baby is here then it might sink in"

Hmm. Sorry to sound so negative, but I'm not so sure. Sadly, I speak from experience (not mine, but another family member)

@porridgeface yes I have heard that advice, but then spoken to lots of mums who say express as soon as you like. I also want to get baby used to a bottle as well as boob! But completely get about the supply and demand! Thank you though. Think I am going to see how I get on!

I think its common for DPs to stop drinking for a few weeks before and frankly, breastfeeding or not he will be shattered too for the first few weeks!

When you are in those early days the baby might not sleep unless they are on someone, which means you sleep in shifts (all of my four did this, but only for a week or two each!) You might need help getting to the loo in the middle of the night, he will probably need to do the nighttime nappies and bring you the baby for a few nights as you'll be sore.

Chances are he will not feel like going out for a while after the baby is born. If he isn't up for helping and supporting you, I'd suggest you bin him.

I agree @stegosauruslady I think we will both be shattered. Initially with night feeds I planned to get him to help out but then when he goes back to work I think I will be doing most of them - but he can do some nappy changes and morning feeds at the weekend! I think he will help out, it will just take him some time to get used to. I still don't think he has fully realised how life changing it is going to be

He's being thoughtless and I would agree that he already believes the baby care to be totally down to you.

I'd make all the points about it being to near to the due date. You might still be pregnant and be about to be induced, you could be in labour or just have had the baby. You could have had a c section or an extended stay in hospital etc etc.

Then I would also ask how he's going to facilitate your equivalent day off with friends - either all in one go, or in chunks of a few hours here and there around breastfeeding. See what he says about that.

He needs to stop drinking now, as much as your baby could be late, it could also be early. He needs to be available to drive you to hospital.

@Chivari I didn't know that, sometimes I wish I could go back, start again and do it properly next time!! There's a good group on Facebook called breast feeding yummy mummies that I have found really helpful and supportive. Sorry for going off topic x

Look I'm the first to call out lazy men who aren't doing their share of parenting - but surely it's fine for him to go out for a few hours. He'll probably be back at work by then anyway so you will be "left alone by yourself with the baby all day" regularly at that stage.

A newborn, especially a bf one, simply is more of a mother's responsibility - there is just no way around this. And it's not a bad thing. It can be hard but at the same time a lot of women enjoy looking after newborns - which is one reason they keep having them.

Don't catastrophise and be worrying that you can't possibly handle it and it will be so terrible before bub is even here. You might be happy to enjoy a few hours of peace, just you and baby, at home. And if things aren't going well he can just cancel the night out.

It's not catastrophising to point out that the baby might be in the process of being born, or they might still be in hospital. Or just been discharged with a c section wound, or with birth injuries. It's not much to expect that your partner's first thought is his newborn child, and not his mates. No one is suggesting that he never be able to go out again.

The point is that he needs to tell his friends that obviously this can't be a firm commitment, and his newborn baby and partner will obviously come first should they need to.

Sorry but I bet you thought ttc then being pg would make him realise - but it hasn't. The arrival of the new baby probably won't either. He is not going to change of his own initiative and would probably resent it if he did " just for you or the baby". Is he any use the day after? Does one binge blend into the next, given half a chance. Tbh you should have another driver on standby just in case he is not up to it when you need him.

Thanks @Butteredghost and @AssassinatedBeauty

I think it's a good point about him going back to work (although he mainly works from home). I think my main frustration is that I can't just go out and do what I like. I also don't want to have to deal with him being drunk when he gets back and hungover the next day. I think the idea of a girls day out and he looks after baby is a good idea! You are right I could be giving birth any moment.

Thanks @porridgeface for the FB breastfeeding group. I will definitely go and follow as I know I'll need some support when baby is here! x