Husband - going out after newborn

[Chivari]

Bit of advice needed on husband going out after our baby is born. My husband has a history of not being able to handle his drink, however he is improving. I should also mention that when he gets drunk it gives me serious anxiety due to some of the things he has done in the past through being very drunk (one causing us to nearly break up). So often the mere mention of him going 'for a few' with his mates makes me feel very on edge and anxious, but not wanting to spoil his fun I let him go.

Throughout my pregnancy he has carried on drinking, periodically going out with friends but not getting really drunk - which I can handle. However, he is now talking about organising a day out with friends 2 weeks after my due date. I haven't yet raised it with him, but I'm not very happy. Firstly, I'm concerned that our baby is likely to only be a few weeks old (if not less) and I am going to be left on my own for the day whilst he goes out to enjoy himself. Secondly, I feel irritated by the fact that he has already automatically assumed the baby is going to be more my responsibility than his. Yes I plan to breastfeed, but I wonder how he would feel if I told him I'm going to express a load of milk then leave him to look after a newborn at a few weeks old. I know he would not be happy.

I just wonder if I am being a little oversensitive/emotional, or whether others agree? What were your husbands like when you had a very new newborn?

He is usually good for nothing the next day @LIZS he always regrets it the next day too and starts telling me how he is going to stop and cut down. Tbh he does it maybe once a month at the moment so it's not constant.

I think ur being a little bit unreasonable.

If it’s one day in two weeks it’s fine ! You should also be able to take a break and spend some TLC time away from baby.

don’t stress

I'd try to have an honest chat with him now OP and try to align your expectations with his. If you want things to be 50/50 explain that you'll be co-parenting so nights / days out for both of you have to be agreed so you know the other parent is available. You'll be bf so he'll be doing nappies and baths. That sort of thing.

And as soon as you feel comfortable after the birth, take some time off for yourself. Firstly, you'll deserve it. Secondly, it'll be helpful for him to realise that he is totally capable of looking after his child solo, but he'll also realize that it is hard.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

After each of my births my husband has had a afternoon out (1pm-midnight'ish) to wet the baby's head within the first two weeks. Just snuggle up nice for the day with baby or if you are worried invite your mum or a friend round.

You could be me. I know all about the anxiety and being told you’re being controlling. Unless people have experienced life with a problem drinker they cannot understand.
In my case it didn’t get better after the first baby as he just continued on as though his life hadn’t changed. I stupidly had a second with him and life was hell. Mine did eventually come to his senses and seek counselling but the damage done will never be fully repaired.

I like that @Twolittlebears

I definitely need to have a chat with him. I want him to be a really active Dad, and I know he wants that too. I think he is nervous (expected) but he does need to take responsibility and do things on his own with baby when it arrives. I will be with baby more with bf, but as I said earlier, I also plan to express so he can do some feeds etc and I do have some time to myself

"After each of my births my husband has had a afternoon out (1pm-midnight'ish) to wet the baby's head within the first two weeks"

Was he terribly young when your children were born?

By the time we had DD OH was way past behaving like this.

Are you still with him @mamaslave18 ? My DH's drinking has been a serious problem in the past (as I said earlier, to the point we nearly split) but I have forgiven him although I am still not over it mentally which creates more of the anxiety around it all. He is improving, and has reduced it since I have been pg but still has times where he has 'one too many' then I have to deal with him being drunk and annoying when he gets home plus the hangover the next day!

Is it more that you are resentful as you feel you won’t be able to go out once baby is here, or is it that you are worried about being left alone for the evening? Both are quite different, no reason you can’t go out in the future, and can you invite any friends or family over for the evening? Be nice to have some different company; and in honesty as much as I love my OH having a brief break from each other made the world of difference in the first few weeks.

PS I say this having given birth a few weeks ago, so I do empathise but not sure it is indicative of him never looking after them.

Probably a mix of the 2 @Roxyxoxo but more resentment and anxiety over his drinking in the past. If I knew I could trust him to go out have a few drinks and come back not being drunk I think I'd feel different but he has proved on many occasions he is not capable of that

I think my main frustration is that I can't just go out and do what I like.

I suppose you can't, but when it comes to newborns that's more biology's fault and not your DPs.

Just see how you go. After I had dc, my DH was great but I found it a bit claustrophobic to be in the house with DP all day for 3 weeks, so I was happy for him to get out sometimes. I enjoyed snuggling in bed with baby or took a bath together. It can be nice to come back a bit fresh and talk about new things, what your friends are up to, etc, and it was the same when I went out.

Maybe if he just pencils the night in and confirms it closer to the day.

It depends what 'drunk and annoying when he gets hone and hungover the next day' means. If he's actively waking you up, causing arguments etc and spending all of the next day with his head in the toilet good for nothing then yes, you should say that you are not risking dealing with that with a newborn and in a potentially vulnerable state and that you are very firmly saying you don't want him to go, although you can't nor shouldn't forbid him. If he just rolls in later than he should (these days, I know you said it was worse before you were pregnant) and will go to a spare room/ sofa to sleep it off then is ok by late morning and will cook bacon rolls or whatever then be happy to be planted on the sofa with the sleeping baby while you bath/ read in bed/ do whatever then it's less of a problem. If he's one of those who goes out and says they'll be back by 7 sober and then ends up back at 4am vomiting and pissing everywhere you should start now at making it clear the expectation is that he will not go out on any jollys for a good while.

X post with Roxyxoxo. We agree you may enjoy the break OP.

I don't think that new dads should feel like they can go out and do what they like, regardless of not having a biological need to be with their baby. Which only exists for the mother if the baby is breastfed, which the majority aren't.

Obviously they should work together but going out once is hardly "doing whatever he likes". Surely better to go in to it with the attitude of "we are both capable of parenting, and so we will both go out seperately at times, we'll talk about it in advance so we can try to make it happen for each other". Rather than already being resentful before he's even done anything.

Thanks @Butteredghost just going to see what I feel like when baby is here. I'm also conscious this is our first baby so at the moment it's just been all about me and DH but soon we will have something else taking all our attention. So I might actually be less bothered and enjoy time alone with baby

@Stickmanslittleleaf he is more of a come home be loud and wake me up. He will only go in the spare bed if I tell him or usually I end up moving as he kicks around and shouts in his sleep. The next morning he is usually able to get up etc but then lounges around feeling sorry for himself

Yes I’m still with him but it’s still not easy. I get anxious if I even suspect he might go for a drink. To other people ( and him!) it seems like I’m being ridiculous but they haven’t lived through the many nights of not knowing where he was, when he would be home or in what state. Like yours my DH often has trouble limiting himself. If he goes out then he is going to drink a ridiculous amount and make a dick of himself, lose things on the way home and pass out drunk fully clothed. Maybe not a problem every now and then for normal people, but when it’s all the time and you never know what day ( or days)it’s going to be this week it makes you sick with anxiety.
My DH deals with it by rarely going out now, which is really him burying his head in the sand.

You sound like you’ve got pregnant to a teenager... who you have to beg and coerce to act the way you want & expect them to. I don’t know how people end up in these situations, where they mother their partners and have to explain to them how to be responsible. Unfortunately he’s a grown man behaving like a man child and he doesn’t need your permission to go

Yes, @Butteredghost, no new parent should fee like they are entitled to do what they like whenever they like. Their newborn baby should be the first priority. You're absolutely right that the attitude should be that both are capable of parenting, so let's discuss things and arrange between us. Rather than unilaterally announce a day out drinking without giving any thought to who will be looking after the baby.

@mamaslave18 gosh so much of what you are telling me I can massively relate to! The anxiety and to the average person going out and getting really drunk wouldn't be a problem. People really don't get it unless they have lived it. It's exhausting at times. As an example, tonight he was due back for dinner at 7pm but still isn't home and has just messaged to say he will be back at 9pm. So I've eaten on my own and no doubt he will come back drunk stinking of booze. The joys! He does it about once a month now but I still find each time hard to deal with. I feel like he just puts himself first as he knows I get upset by his actions.

@Jaffacakebeast I sometimes feel like I am. Fed up of having to chat to him about what is the right and wrong thing to do. I wish he would just learn and be more responsible!

I dont think that you sound controlling at all. I think that your OH sounds very immature and im shocked that he would even think its okay to leave you and your newborn at home whilst he swans off with his friends drinking! Not unreasonable at all. You need to have a good word with him, he needs a firm wake up call and you need to tell him that he needs to grow up and start being responsible. Im not saying that all of his fun has to end and he has to stop drinking but their are times you simply put your family (you & baby) before your selfish needs, he needs to think about his family now and take in to consideration your feelings and emontions. He should have adleast discussed it with you to see if you was okay with it and if you are going to be okay with the little one. I hate how men just automatically think its the womans job soley to take care of the children when it took the two of you to make the baby. I actually feel sorry for you.

Why did you marry him & get pregnant then, if you don’t like who he truly is 🧐 I’m not doubting he’s a dick & my sympathy is with you, but you already knew all this about him, and now you’re trying to change him, when you knew this what he’s like. It’s a never ending battle, that a lot of, mostly women, lose in the end, b’cos adding a child to this setup rarely makes the man grow up

Agree with you @Nickname1234567 I think I am going to just see when baby arrives. He may cancel on his own, who knows. Otherwise I am definitely having a girls day out and he can look after baby

True @Jaffacakebeast but I think it's because I really do love him. Sober and normally he is lovely and a brilliant husband - just the drinking gets in the way sometimes unfortunately

Jaffa it’s also huge naïveté. Speaking for myself I had no experience of problem drinking. When I met my DH going out and drinking to excess was just what people did. Everyone we knew was the same as we were young, free of responsibility etc. In hindsight I can see there were signs but I didn’t recognise them. The lifestyle suited me. If my then boyfriend went out drinking I’d go too. I assumed that once we got married and had children we would both settle down; as that’s what people do.
Unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. DH still went out only I couldn’t join him. It was only then I realised he couldn’t control himself and by then it was too late.

Sorry for jumping in!