How to be happy with mediocre?

[FattyFatCakes]

All I want is for my children to be happy and to grow up to be decent, kind human beings. I know I am incredibly lucky to have happy, healthy children.

But I find myself constantly disappointed that they are never the ‘best’ at anything even though deep down I know it isn’t important. I am very careful not to show my disappointment and to praise their effort so they really enjoy taking part in things that they actually aren’t any good at. But how do i change this way of thinking?

My children are in primary school so the things I am talking about (reading competition, athletics match, nativity play etc) really do not matter but I’m worried this attitude will get worse as they get older and things do start to matter more.

I guess I am a bit of a perfectionist. Things came easily to me at school because I am really old for my year, the youngest of three kids and I had extremely supportive parents. So I find it hard to go from high achieving to average.

I can’t talk about this with anyone in real life because I just sound like a horribly entitled, comepetive mum. I don’t need to be told this, I just need advice on how to change please.

Thank you

Gosh. Don't know what to say except I hope your children don't pick up on this.

I was never a high achiever but I seem to have coped.

I’m at pains to ensure they don’t but I want to change my attitude so that there is no chance of that happening in the future

would it help to remember that we can't all be good at everything and focus on their positive points so they are for example kind, sensitive , creative. As long as they are happy and healthy and they enjoy getting involved then isn't that amazing and the recipe for a happy childhood

Yes I’ll try that, thank you. The thing is they’re normal kids so they can be kind and sensitive but they can also be little shits! So they’re no more kind than anyone else I guess?

They will find their thing and have their shining moment at some point. Most of us are just average

Your very lucky that your children being average is your biggest worry.

Be thankful for what you have not annoyed about what you have not got.

This is the problem with the way school makes everything a competition. I honestly feel the same sometimes but we both know that are kids can shine at being gorgeous, kind people who have the skills to be really happy. That's what I actually want for them. Don't let all the tests, sportswear and bloody streaming (IN PRIMARY FGS) distract you from what you really know is important.

Ok good to know! I don’t know why I equate success with happiness

Thank you Mookatron, nice to know I’m not alone.

Florescentadolescent I know that. I said it from the start.

It's tricky because what you have to change is yourself and that's hard! Why are you so competitive? That's the riddle to solve! I think it often comes from anxiety or insecurity.

You have to not see your children as a point of competition. It's something that many, many people fail at though!

Child getting diagnosed with a chronic disease he'll have for the rest of his life certainly made me realize that wanting your kids to grow up "healthy and happy" isn't just a trite phrase. It genuinely genuinely is all that matters.

Hopefully you won't need to learn this the hard way.

Born Yesterday
Philip Larkin

For Sally Amis

Tightly-folded bud,
I have wished you something
None of the others would:
Not the usual stuff
About being beautiful,
Or running off a spring
Of innocence and love —
They will all wish you that,
And should it prove possible,
Well, you’re a lucky girl.

But if it shouldn’t, then
May you be ordinary;
Have, like other women,
An average of talents:
Not ugly, not good-looking,
Nothing uncustomary
To pull you off your balance,
That, unworkable itself,
Stops all the rest from working.
In fact, may you be dull —
If that is what a skilled,
Vigilant, flexible,
Unemphasised, enthralled
Catching of happiness is called.

Would it help to try to see things from their perspective? For example my little boy may never be the fastest runner, but seeing his face at sports day laughing and smiling, cheering on his pals and just being a lovely, happy little human was priceless to me. Or seeing how much concentration he puts into working out how to pronounce a new word, and how proud he is when he gets it, it's infectious. My daughter closing her eyes and feeling the music when some totally random song comes on with her two left feet, it's beautiful she feels so deeply.

They're kids, it'll take time for them to figure out where they want to be in the world that's so big, as long as they're happy and their needs met they can be the best humans in your eyes and that's enough if you want it to be.

I get what you say as I feel a bit like this.
I hoped that my children would achieve much more academically than we did.
My children have more opportunities, more nurturing and a far far more stable childhood than I did.
Creating the most nurturing, supportive and caring home environment I thought would boost their abilities massively.
We are truly “interested” in their education and lives, both myself and dh never had that.
We did well, DH has a masters degree, I’m a professional and well educated in my field, so we did well despite our upbringings.
I had such hopes, such high expectations but my kids are not at all academically high flyers.

But that’s ok. I can see their talents and I am chuffed that they have interests and joys in things out of the classroom.
We still support and encourage them as you are doing, I am just glad that as parents we will never make them feel hopeless and worthless as my parents made me feel as a kid. That’s what meanes the most to me.

Such wonderful replies, I’m welling up at that beautiful poem. I would love them to be average if that means leading happy, ordinary lives.

My eldest has Aspergers (not meaning to drip feed, just didn’t think it was relevant) and I long for him to be ordinary as that means being part of the crowd, not standing out or being isolated.

I don’t know why I am so competitive.

Think back to the people who were the best at those things in primary school-has it helped them in the long term? Are they successful and happy now? And if they are is it because they are still the fastest runner in class 2?!
And even those who were top of the class at secondary school-do they have the best careers?/the happiest families?
I’ve had to watch out for this thinking as a perfectionist myself and I just want my kids to find something in life they love which makes them fulfilled-not necessarily a career-just one part of their life they feel good when they are doing it

You’re totally right of course but I hadn’t thought of it like that. My own sister was the ‘brightest’ person at school and she is still the cleverest person I know but she isn’t the happiest. Thank you

I actually think you are being a very good parent to be aware of how you feel and want to change it.

I would suggest thinking about the messages you were given as a child. For example, perhaps your parents encouraged you to equate being the best with happiness or security?

You have to understand your beliefs first. We can't change what we don't understand.

Thank you. It’s weird because all my siblings are competitive but I don’t remember feeling pressured by our parents. My childhood was pretty chaotic and I’m definitely someone who likes rules, routine and structure as a result but I don’t think I can blame them for the competitiveness!

Thank you @EllieNor that was a lovely poem.

My teen DD is happy with the dizzy heights of mediocrity when it comes to her education, but she's kind, funny and my best friend and I couldn't wish for anything more.

Ah, I'm suffering from this OP. I totally know where you are coming from.

I sailed through school, went to Oxford, represented GB for my sport...

I know in my head and heart that I just want DS to be emotionally literate, balanced and able to create his own happy.

However, I sit and watch him train for his sport and sometimes feel hot with rage that he isn't putting in 100%, isn't trying to overtake the kid in front, hangs about a few seconds longer than necessary before hitting the next exercise so he gets behind....

I know it's unhealthy, so I really battle to keep it inside. F*ck knows how you make it stop OP.

I also feel like this with my DS and it's so hard....just remember that hopefully one day they will be everything to someone (other than their mother) and happiness is everything. Parents like to make a competition out of everything which says more about them than us 👍🏻

Thank you both, it’s so good to know I’m not alone.
My children go to a very competitive primary school with very competitive parents and I wonder if that feeds these feelings. Everything seems to be a contest and I just want them to feel good about themselves and feel like they have come out on top at something... anything!

I just wanted to echo was others have said. I often feel a little bit like this.
I was never overly pushed by my parents and had quite a chaotic childhood. I,
on the other hand, find myself asking my eldest what score other children have achieved in assessments, and then find myself getting secretly annoyed if she isn't amoung the high achievers.
Same in sports, I was never encouraged with anything like that, I always tell myself, it will give them confidence, so find myself really pushing them with sports.

I often have to remind myself how lucky I am to have three healthy, happy children who are not having to witness what I did growing up and they may not be the best at everything but will find their place in the world

I forgot to add, my children also go to a very competitive school and it is very hard not to get dragged into it!