Sleepover at boyfriends

[cathess]

My 13yr old dd has asked for a sleepover at her boyfriends house. She's a model student, doesn't wear make-up, is very sensible. She's been seeing him for about 3 months and he makes her very happy. In the past she's suffered anxiety and has had issues with confidence, she's finally making friends and has a close circle of sensible girlfriends. She says her relationship is not physical and they haven't even snogged. I just feel that she is too young to spend night at bf's house, even if they aren't physical but my arguing is thin. Please help

Why the arguments? She's 13. You get to call the shots for a few years yet. If you're uncomfortable about it, say no.

How old is the boyfriend? If he's the same age it could all be quite innocent. If he's older then I would think the relationship is physical.

Personally, I would not be happy with 13 year old staying at her boyfriends. It's a difficult one though as she's asking you and not sneaking about behind your back so you don't want to lose the communication you have with her.

I do think you need to explain why she can't in a grown up way. There are plenty of justified reasons to say no. There would be less arguments if she was over the age of consent but she's legally still a child and should be protected by you.

Well it would be obvious to me to say no. It’s too intense. He shouldn’t have the role of making her happy.

I’d encourage her other friendships too.

Not wearing make-up has got nothing to do with anything! It doesn’t make her a better thirteen year old than ones who do.

I would say no. She is too young to be exclusive with a boy in this way.

And I also agree it is far too intense after just 3 months and she seems far too reliant on him.

Same room?

Even from an emotional angle I wouldn't ever let my child that young sleep over at a boyfriend's house. Not a chance, no way. Way too young for that kind of intensity, especially with a history of anxiety!

And I'll actually add, the chances that a 13 year old boy isn't going to break her heart at some stage is tiny... And how is that going to affect such a young girl's confidence and self esteem? You should be seriously encouraging the circle of friends and actively discouraging such an intense relationship for a vulnerable girl.

ew no. I'd seriously question someone's parenting if they did this. ew ew ew. She's still a bloody child!

I stayed at my first boyfriends at 14. I'd been sneaking out the window to stay there and then 'very responsibly' asked DM to be reasonable and consider allowing it (she had no idea I'd been going but his parents weren't happy me a 14 year old climbing out windows and wandering down to theirs in the early hours of the morning!)
She said yes because I'd been so reasonable. I think she knew I'd have ended up doing something (like climbing out windows) if she'd said no.
I appreciated her saying yes and it made a good bond for our relationship because I felt like I had some freedom and I felt trusted.
She spoke to his parents before she allowed me to go.
I'm not sure she'd have allowed it at 13 though. I was a few months just after turning 14 and mature and clever for my age.

I think this could be ok based on the following:

1.The boy is the same age
2.You ring his mum and understand the sleeping arrangements e.g separate rooms
3.You trust his parents

1. Your daughter knows she can change her mind and you’d pick her up no matter what time

From what you say it doesn’t sound like anything physical is happening so it’s no different to her sleeping over at a friend’s house. Only you know how true this is. And 13 is a tricky age, if you have any doubts then maybe not.

Maybe suggest he sleeps over at yours so you know she is in a safe space and you are there? you will know for sure what rooms they are in?

If there is something physical going on they will find a way to do it whether she sleeps over or not. So an open and honest chat with your daughter needs to take place.

I would say absolutely not. Why does she need to spend the night at her boyfriends? No way. No chance for me.

No way.

No. No. No.

Do you know the boy and his family? It might not be physical now but he/she/they might have other plans.

Absolutely not and I cannot believe you have to ask other peoples opinions.

No way, I wouldn't even let my child have a bf at that age... I would question the parenting of anyone who thinks its ok. She should be focusing on being a child, having a bf at any age can be kinda intense...

As my Mum would always say... "it's just inappropriate". There doesn't have to be any other reason than that.

I didn't get it at the time but now I'm an adult, I do.

What?! I can't believe you even have to ask. I can't believe it has even been up for debate with your 13 year old.

No. She is 13. There is no need for her to stay at his house overnight.

If they are sleeping they won't be talking so realistically why would she want to do that?

Just because they haven't kissed yet (and you have no idea if she is telling you the truth) doesn't mean they won't. Feelings tend to have a way of leading you into tricky situations.

Ds1 is in year 11, last year a girl in his year, so year 10 had a baby. The father was a year 9 boy. So no, your 13 year old does not need to sleep over at her boyfriend's house.

Hi,

I was around 14 when I was allowed to stay at my boyfriends house (we had been together for a year at that point and he had been on a few family holidays with myself and my family) and he stayed at mine. When I was at his he stayed on the couch and when he was st mine he stayed with my brother. Not only was he my boyfriend but my best friend so for us it was just like a normal innocent sleepover and here we are still together 10 years later married with a baby.

As a parent now I would be a bit more reluctant for my daughter to stay at her boyfriends but if I had a good relationship with his parents and trusted the boy and he was making my daughter happy then as long as they were behaving and honest with me then I wouldn't see it being a problem! It would be no different than her staying with a female friend in my opinion. I would much rather give her the option of him staying at our house so I could keep an eye on them - if feeling uncomfortable with your daughter staying there would this be a suitable compromise?

I wasn't allowed to stay over with a boyfriend until I was 16. It used to make me really annoyed but now that I'm older and a parent, I completely agree that it would be inappropriate for someone younger.

At the end of the day, it's your choice but if you're uncomfortable with it, there needn't be an argument. You are the parent here.

Just to put the other side in....

I had a bf at 14 (just turned 14) and I was allowed to stay at his and he was allowed to stay at ours. All in a different room but we lived in different cities so we couldn't see each other unless we could stay over.

I have made some horrendous decisions with men in my life but this bf is the only ex I'm still friends with after all these years (16 years). I had better judgement with boys/men at 14 then when I was 25!

Yes, I was sleeping with him before I was 16. But that had nothing to do with staying over. I don't think we even did it at night!

For some people saying don't let her have a boyfriend, you're being ridiculous. You can have a stay whether a boyfriend stays over or not, but not whether they have a boyfriend. Your daughter will naturally follow what she wants, she just won't bother telling you.