Sensitive situation with ds friend's parent - can you help/advise please?

[lisalisa]

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My immediate thought would be that you really have to talk to the parents about it.

You should probably meet without the children around.

If you explain calmly that you understand this is the way it is done their country, it is just not the way it is done over here, she should understand.

Does their child ever come over and play at your house? or do they only want to play at the friend's house. If they only want to play over there it is probably because they are being left alone so they can do whatever they like.

Tricky one.
See, I would actually like to think that when dcs are 8 I would be confident enough to let then have some measure of independence.
However, am aware that by the time they are I will probably still be keen to keep tabs on them.
I was certainly left on own at 8 with no long-lasting ill effects. Was by then capable of putting washing on, making a cup of tea or something to eat.

So am torn between thinking "what's the problem" and wondering whether I would have an entirely different reaction when dcs are of a similar age.

I think it is not on to leave somebody else's 8yo. And I think3 8yo's together have much more potential for mischief than just the one.

Lisa, I also would not be happy with this situation. I have 3ds's. 3,8 & 11. I have on occasions (but only recently) left my ds11 in home whilst I popped out but its only for 5/10 minutes but I would not leave him with his friends or to look after my other ds's. I therefore certianly would not leave my ds8 & I would be very uncomfortable if I found out that my ds8 was being left with his friend alone whilst he was supose to be in the care of his parents. I think you need to aproach it in a way that it comes across as if you feel your son can not be trusted to be left alone, rather then making it sound as if you are judging her parenting skills, if you see where I am coming form. But be sure to make her aware that she should not be leaving them at this young age alone in a house anyway. I feel that at 8 years old this is far to young to be being left alone & It is against the law over here though is it not, to leave a child home alone under 11 years old? That's what I thought.

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You also ought to send a rocket up your nanny - she should be adhering to your instructions not 'forgetting' them!

No I wouldn't leave 3 8 year olds alone either; they are unlikely to sit qietly after all ! That said I very occasionally leave my 8yo dd alone for a short period, eg if she's off school, still in bed, and I consider her better off there than in the car on a cold morning while I do a short school run. Similarly I'd occasionally leave her with an older brother - they are 12 and 13 - for short periods.

But never anyone else's child. When ds1 and 2 turned 10/11 parents doing playdates occasionally would discuss with each other whether x and y could be left for 10 mins while a younger sibling had to be collected; generally we all agreed this was OK as long as there was full parental discussion.

hOW DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT YOUR KID WENT THERE AGAIN???

All the nasty things that could happen aside - is it not illegal to leave under 12's alone?

It still surprises me that after so many threads on this subject that people still think it is illegal.
Sorry not having a go at anyone just surprised. It is not illegal to leave a child of ANY age alone but it is illegal to leave them in a situaion that could be seen as neglect. The NSPCC does suggest that ypu do not leave children under 13 alone but that is only a suggestion.

I think the thing I would have a problem with here is that fact the parent was making the decision to leave my child at home without knowing first whether I allow it or not. It may be an oversight because you say this is common in her culture shemay not have given it a thought that she is maybe upsetting the other parent.

I presonally would have a chat with her and say that if your ds is there and she has to go out rather than leave him there to send him home and maybe call you or your nanny to let you know so that he actually goes home rather than sneaks back again.

I think that it's totally okay to speak to the mum and say you don't allow ds to be on his own. I am v paranoid, and my friends/ other parents know that I don't let mine play out the front/ go to funfairs/ whatever. Everyone has different rules, and yours are just as good as hers. She can go shopping some other time. Speak up and then all that worry goes.

One thing leaving your own kids who may be ok. But you cannot leave someone elses without asking their parents.
I have a 13 yr old ds who I have left at home sicne the age of 9 for short trips and now he spends a whole half day at home rather than got to the shops on a weekend.
But I'd never leave him alone with any of his friends, you just cannot calculate the risk or take the responsibility if something happened no matter how good/sensible they seem.

Def a quiet talk to the parents explain your fears without judging their parenting
when you've done that come back and tell us how it's done

It is not illegal to leave a child of any age alone but you are responsible if anything happens to them.

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i agree with the others re quiet chat with the mum maybe you can compliment her a bit on her son etc to take the sting out of the situation.

I think this is a very difficult situation. I met a mother of similar aged boys at a party a few weeks back who was holding forth regarding an uppity (her sentiments) mother who would not let her son come round to play with this lady's children because this lady often left her children alone to go shopping.

Therefore my advice would be not to let you son go round there if you are not happy with him being left(which I would not be). If you do wish him to go round but also need the mother to stay there, be very very careful how you approach this conversation.

I'm confused when you say DS "forgot and went there again". How did he do this without you knowing? Are they playing in street and then going there?