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Original poster

Has anyone else experienced gender disappointment?

94 replies

Foreverexhausted · 04/02/2019 17:30

I know you're meant to feel overwhelmed with love regardless of whether baby is a boy or girl but behind closed doors has anyone else felt disappointed?

I never found out the sex but I was convinced I was having a girl for all sorts of reasons. Once baby arrived and I was told "its a boy!" my heart sank. Within a few days I was sobbing with disappointment. I'm in a better place now but trying to work through my feelings. If I'm honest, 8 weeks later, I still feel disappointed. I've been trying to buy clothes for him and I keep looking at the variety of pretty girls clothes, boys clothes are nowhere near as nice.

I don't want to be criticised so if you haven't experienced it please don't give me a hard time. But if you have, did you have a boy or a girl and how long did it take for you to get over your feelings? And what helped change the way you felt?

Thanks

OP posts:
itisitis · 04/02/2019 17:38

I haven't, as I got what I wanted. But I do remember going for my scan with a feeling of complete dread. I was so convinced she was going to say "boy" that I was crying. It sounds terrible, but as a single mum of a 3yo daughter, I felt it would really spoil my family dynamics if the baby was a boy. I really really really didn't want a boy. And if that would have been the outcome, I know that ultimately I would have loved him with all my heart, but wished he was a she.

Roll on 7 years, and that little girl is a mixture of both girly girl and a tom boy. She loves her dancing, frilly dresses etc. But also loves to play rugby and chill in her slacks. She plays with Lego, Xbox, cars, things you would define as Male-specific. So I've a mixture of both worlds in her!

NameChange30 · 04/02/2019 17:45

Um. I was disappointed for about 24 hours but I found out at the 20 week scan so I could get over any disappointment but mainly because I wanted to know and think of baby as a he or she rather than "it". I can't really imagine finding out when baby is born and still being disappointed weeks later Confused From the moment my child was born I have been overwhelmed by love and can't imagine them any other way. It's true that girls' clothes are generally cuter/nicer but that's SUCH a minor thing compared to everything else about this wonderful person you've created!

I've read that strong feelings of gender disappointment are usually a sign of unresolved issues in your own life. So I suggest that you get some counselling to discuss it. Have you also considered that you might have PND?

daphine2004 · 04/02/2019 17:49

I’m feeling that this at the moment. We have a boy already and love him to bits. We are pregnant again and would really love a girl so we have one of each.

I think I would be disappointed to find out if we are having another boy, but it makes things loads easier with not having to buy anything else clothes wise. We are using same pushchair etc from last time.

We are going to find out what we are having so we can get used to the idea if it’s a boy and think of names - we are struggling at the moment!

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Babbaganoush · 04/02/2019 17:51

I wouldn't say I had gender disappointment but I think I can understand a bit of how you are feeling. Throughout my pregnancy I was absolutely convinced I was having a girl. We didn't find out the sex but I was so sure it was a girl, I can't explain why. Anyway, I was wrong! It wasn't even that I particularly wanted a girl, in fact, if pushed my preference would have been to have a boy first. When he was born I was completely stunned that he was a boy, not disappointed, just really shocked!

I struggled to name him (we had ideas about boys names but had properly chosen a girls name) and although I fell in love with him as soon as he was born, I think it affected our initial bonding as I sort of felt like I didn't know who he was. He is now 6 months old and I adore him. I don't really see him as a 'boy' more just my lovely baby with his own little personality.

8 weeks is still v early but if you are still feeling some disappointment, it might be worth chatting things over with your health visitor. Do you feel well bonded to him otherwise?

AprilShowers16 · 04/02/2019 17:52

When I went for my first scan with my first I was hoping it would be a girl, I had always imagined having a little girl and thought that I would be devastated if I never had one. It was a boy, I did feel disappointed briefly and sad about it. Trust me though that those feelings will go when you meet your little boy, I have two boys now and if I was pregnant again I’d actually probably slightly prefer another boy. You’re right about the clothes though, but thankfully (as I’m sure you know) having a child is much more the nice outfits 😂

ArkAtEe · 04/02/2019 17:52

DP wanted a boy and we had a girl, but now she's here, he truly can't imagine having any other baby but our little one!

On another note, I actually find little boys clothes so sweet and have bought a few things for my girl from the boys section! Can't stand a lot of the girls clothes

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 04/02/2019 17:54

Shocked more than disappointed but sort of mourned the dd I was told I was having!!
3 scans said girl. Shopped til I dropped.
Ds arrived.
Shock.

A few mins of complete numbness. Then happiness he was healthy and gorgeous.
And he slept through from a few weeks old.
Compensation!!
Op sorry you feel like you do, bet your boy is gorgeous!!

abcriskringle · 04/02/2019 17:57

My friend had very bad gender disappointment. It was symptomatic of her PND. Are you feeling ok generally? Perhaps talk to a HV or GP?

ez345 · 04/02/2019 18:01

I was told that my youngest was a girl all the way through my pregnancy until the 36 week scan. He was most certainly not a girl! I had desperately wanted a boy, but got used to the fact that I would have two girls instead. Then to have that change of gender, I was still disappointed because I wanted my 2 girls (names picked etc). I got over it the minute I delivered him. He’s perfect. It took me a week to re-buy everything and decide on a name, so it didn’t hang around for long!

MorrisZapp · 04/02/2019 18:01

I had a boy when I expected a girl. My grounds for expecting a girl were that I am a girl. Yes I'm that stupid.

Anyway I had galloping PND, exacerbated by my disappointment in my son.

It passed, of course. Now I can't imagine having a girl and wouldn't change him for anything. Wait until he becomes a person, you won't mind at all.

Singlenotsingle · 04/02/2019 18:02

I would have liked a girl. My dsis had a girl and most of my friends have got a daughter. I've got two boys. But they're people first and foremost, regardless of what colour clothes they wear, and I can't imagine having girls now.

NameChange30 · 04/02/2019 18:02

Well he's already a person, but I know what you mean Smile

SquiddyMcSquidford · 04/02/2019 18:05

I just knew this would be about having a boy when I saw the thread title. It does happen the other way round too but 9+ times out of 10 (on here) it's a boy people are disappointed by.

NameChange30 · 04/02/2019 18:07

Interesting article on the link between gender disappointment and PND in mothers of boys
www.essentialbaby.com.au/birth/postnatal-depression/mums-of-baby-boys-more-likely-to-experience-pnd-20181106-h17lkw

Greyhound22 · 04/02/2019 18:15

Squiddy I was the other way. Really wanted a boy. I had terrible anxiety going for my scan and then she couldn't really see but said she thought boy but wouldn't confirm. Had to go back a week later (they couldn't check the heart properly) and I was in a complete state. I was so relieved when she confirmed boy.

Even when he was pulled out during my c-section I shouted he is a he isn't he?!

I still think I would have been disappointed with a girl 😬 but I'm sure it would have been fine. I just think it was the way my anxiety was working at the time.

winesolveseverything · 04/02/2019 18:20

We were 100% sure our 2nd was going to be a girl- massive surprise when we found it was boy number 2...

I had loads of skin to skin contact with him in the early days- no idea whether it was a factor, but I was smitten after 24 hours. I love him with all my heart and more, and would never, ever swop him.

It's hard to explain and there are always the people who will pipe up about being grateful for a healthy baby- it's not really about that though is it? We are extremely grateful and feel so lucky to have this gorgeous, funny and loving little 4 year old, who makes us laugh every day, and who is a totally different spirit to his big brother.

But, to this day, I am still disappointed that we don't have a girl, and feel that I am almost grieving for the daughter I'll never get. I worry about when they're older, and I'll be the wicked mil that feature on here so much, and I just won't have the relationship that I would have with a daughter. And, yes to the clothes- girls do get to have lovely things!

I imagine that only 8 weeks in, your hormones are still all over the place. Take each day as it comes and maybe chat to hv if you can.

No other advice really- but I do understand..

SquiddyMcSquidford · 04/02/2019 18:27

Oh yeah, it definitely happens both ways, as I said earlier. But it is usually boys people on here post about being disappointed with, and I find that interesting (in terms of what it says people think about boys). Though I'm maybe over-sensitive to it as I have two boys and have been on the receiving end of comments like "you'll have to try again for a girl", like they're some sort of consolation prize.

YodaEars1 · 04/02/2019 18:31

This is honestly not to negate your feelings or to give you a hard time. It’s honestly to give you some perspective and hopefully make you feel a little bit better.

As one half of a couple who can’t have children, please try and take joy in the little life you have created. We are heartbroken after years of trying to have a child, any child.

I know this sort of post can annoy and I’m not denying the strength of your feeling, it’s honestly to help. A lot of the trappings of boys v girls are just gender stereotypes anyway. Yes, there are differences, but they are all little people who grow into adults, and each and every one is different. Do you like every woman you meet? Do you like every man you meet? No. They are all just people and we are all so different, and we were as children too.

Please try and celebrate the little heart beating, the little hands, the soft head of hair. I sometimes wonder if someone said to me, I’ll chop your arm off but you can have a child, whether I’d say yes. Sometimes I think I would say okay.

YodaEars1 · 04/02/2019 18:33

Not meant to berate you at all. Honestly meant to help Flowers

PotteryLady · 04/02/2019 18:35

My sisters best friend only wanted a girl and like you convinced herself and was disappointed but got pregnant again and brought all girl things again convinced a girl but found out it was a boy a 20 week scan and was openly devastated. She now has 3 boys- loves them but would have a 4th if she was guaranteed a girl.

beckycharlie · 04/02/2019 18:49

Yep I was convinced my 2nd baby was a girl but think it was more that I was desperate for a girl as already had 1 son, desperately wanted a girl with both pregnancies but got 2 boys now I don't want any more as mentally I couldn't cope if I had another boy and I hate feeling that way, I know I'm so so lucky to have 2 beautiful boys but it doesn't stop the feeling of desperately hoping for a girl 1 day!

Smurfy23 · 04/02/2019 19:08

Didn't find out with dc1- was convinced it was a boy, wanted a boy but it was a girl. Was a bit disappointed- largely because I was always worried about a personality clash if I had a girl but actually its been okay and I love her to bits.

Pregnant again and know what I want again so am going to find out this time at 20 weeks so that I have 20 weeks to sort my head out if it isnt what I want!

Fabaunt · 04/02/2019 19:53

My baby was born sleeping so I genuinely don’t think I’d care if my baby was purple with two genders as long as it was alive.

Greyhound22 · 04/02/2019 19:55

Totally agree squiddy.

People were ever so surprised when I said I was hoping for a boy. Even had people asking if I was disappointed it wasn't a girl 😕

I can't have anymore but if I could have one - even two more I would still only want boys. I don't feel bad saying that as the majority of people want girls!

Beamur · 04/02/2019 19:57

I had it the other way round. Was convinced during pregnancy that I was having a boy (didn't ask for details of sex during the scan) and gave birth to DD. Was secretly pleased but I'm sure I would have loved a boy just as much.