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Original poster

Has anyone else experienced gender disappointment?

94 replies

Foreverexhausted · 04/02/2019 17:30

I know you're meant to feel overwhelmed with love regardless of whether baby is a boy or girl but behind closed doors has anyone else felt disappointed?

I never found out the sex but I was convinced I was having a girl for all sorts of reasons. Once baby arrived and I was told "its a boy!" my heart sank. Within a few days I was sobbing with disappointment. I'm in a better place now but trying to work through my feelings. If I'm honest, 8 weeks later, I still feel disappointed. I've been trying to buy clothes for him and I keep looking at the variety of pretty girls clothes, boys clothes are nowhere near as nice.

I don't want to be criticised so if you haven't experienced it please don't give me a hard time. But if you have, did you have a boy or a girl and how long did it take for you to get over your feelings? And what helped change the way you felt?

Thanks

OP posts:

Wenttoseainasieve · 05/02/2019 10:04

It's interesting that people currently seem to have a preference for a girl, it's certainly not been the norm in the past to want a girl rather than a boy. In fact, it's kind of good to see baby girls being more appreciated.

I have a girl and a boy. When I was pregnant with my second and already had a girl, I wanted another girl because that's what I already had and knew. I am completely crazy about my little boy as it turns out

Huntawaymama · 05/02/2019 10:32

With my first I didn't mind what I was having but EVERYONE thought I was having a boy, not one person guessed girl so when I had a girl I was surprised and honestly felt a bit lost having this girl I wasn't expecting, not disappointed as such.

Second pregnancy I was desperate for another girl, I really didn't want a boy. We decided to find out at 20 weeks this time and by scan time I felt so guilty for not wanting a boy I kept over compensating saying "a boy would be lovely" but deep down I really didn't want a boy. I was so so happy to be having another girl. If she'd been a boy I would have been briefly disappointed but I know I would have hot over it long before he was born

3in4years · 05/02/2019 18:55

I had a boy.
Then a girl.
The boy was 100x easier than the girl.
Then I had another girl and sort of wished it was a boy in case it's true that boys are easier. Time will tell!

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Cosmoa · 05/02/2019 19:36

I convinced myself I was having a boy because I had always wanted a girl and I think I was subconsciously preparing myself to be told. It was a boy. I had an early scan and found out it was a girl!

If I have another I really don't mind what I have. A girl would be nice for my DD but a boy would be nice to have one of each.

I would have been disappointed if I'd had just boys.. Not gonna lie!

anotherwearytraveller · 05/02/2019 19:39

Can’t read it all but why is the disappointment always about having a boy ffs

CalamityJane10 · 05/02/2019 19:44

I wanted a girl, but it was love at first sight with my baby boy and I wouldn’t change a hair on his head for anything.

cricketmum84 · 05/02/2019 19:49

Yes I totally understand.

With my first baby I was told at 20 week scan I was having a girl. I had a name picked out, all pink girls clothes and accessories. He was a boy!! Instead of that rush of love I was meant to feel I just felt overwhelming shock, I couldn't take it in. It took a long time for us to bond. It does pass though and after a few months I couldn't believe I had ever wanted a girl in the first place :)

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2019 19:56

Congratulations on your beautiful baby OP

No experience myself and I don’t know what we’re having so haven’t bought anything boy/girl specific but boys clothes are amazing! If it turns out to be a boy I have a massive list of stuff I’m going to buy!

Tiny brogue socks, teeny boots, gorgeous jumpers and cardis, there are so many beautiful cute outfits. Get yourself shopping!

mummabubs · 05/02/2019 19:56

I think women can feel under pressure to not talk about this when they experience it. The Unmumsy Mum writes a very good chapter in her book about it that helped me to feel better as I had similar feelings. I'm one of 3 girls and have only female cousins- the idea of having a boy was unfamiliar and scary to me and I just couldn't see how I'd love a son as much as I'd love a daughter. We didn't find out before, but after a long and difficult 30 hour labour followed by a trip to theatre when my husband told me we had a boy I did feel a bit of a deflation, as I'd been very open about my preference for a girl the first time around. Having said that 15 months later despite the odd wobble I couldn't love my little man more if I tried and can't imagine him being anything other than his beautiful self. I'm also very mindful that when we try for our second (and likely final child) although on one level I would feel reassured that having another son wouldn't scare me as much I would in one sense grieve not having a daughter.

There is no right or wrong way to feel about it OP, but I'd accept that this is still early days for you and that as you bond with your little one over time their sex may not bother you as much as you fear it might? X

TopBitchoftheWitches · 05/02/2019 19:59

It's biological sex not gender !

Op you will adore the baby as soon as you meet.

Fiddie · 05/02/2019 20:01

@TopBitchoftheWitches the baby is 8 weeks old.

StitchingMoss · 05/02/2019 20:06

I think mums of baby boys are more likely to suffer from PND because we are constantly told how disappointed we should be that we're not going to get our Disney princess daughter who will be our best friend and companion throughout our life .

It's hardly a surprise with all the utter crap that's spouted about boys and girls these days.

If you insist you're not disappointed or that you don't give two hoots no one believes you anyway.

Easier to say you were devastated and considering having them adopted so as to avoid the horror of having to raise a son.

Thishatisnotmine · 05/02/2019 20:07

Yes, with dd2. I wanted a boy. I had to go and walk around foe a bit to get her to move for another part of the scan and I went to the loo and cried. I was so worried that a second girl would mean I would love dd1 less or dd2 less. I adored her as soon as she came out.

ArkAtEe · 05/02/2019 20:18

Some how missed that your baby is already here OP! So sorry, I'm exhausted... Sometimes it just takes a little while for the bond to grow, it's not the instant rush of love for a lot of people so you're not alone

MrsIronfoundersson · 05/02/2019 20:28

Fabaunt I'm very sorry for your loss.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 05/02/2019 20:37

I hoped very much for a girl 2nd time round, and knew I didn't want to be disappointed on the day as I'd feel horribly guilty. So I found out at the 20 week scan I was having another DS I spent 2 weeks gloomy and then was ready to greet him with a smile. I do still daydream about my entirely fictional girl sometimes, though....

Thishatisnotmine · 05/02/2019 20:44

I forgot to say, the way I felt with dd1 was very different, I did not feel a big overwhelming surge of love as I did with dd2. It was slow and gradual.

Op, you are only 8 weeks in, I imagine tired and overwhelmed and everything else people feel with that first baby. Just keep an eye on your feelings. If the tearfulness does not go it would be worth speaking to your gp. Pnd happens for no reason at all to all.

Lightheart · 05/02/2019 21:03

I did after the gender scan for about 2 hours but then when to mothercare and bought lots of cute outfits and it passed. Are you sure it's just gender or is it just the general upheaval? newborns are tough!!

callieisdoingit · 05/02/2019 21:07

I was convinced my first was a girl and when they said boy I felt so detached until he was actually born. Second pregnancy another boy but I wanted another boy because they were so close in age. When they got to 3 and 4 and I fell pregnant again I couldn't imagine not having a house full of boys and when they said girl it took a couple of days for me to get use to it but I wouldn't change any of them now.

SquiddyMcSquidford · 05/02/2019 21:08

StitchingMoss agree 100%

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse · 05/02/2019 21:12

I have one of each and always found out the sex as soon as I could. I cannot relate to your feelings OP but I can see that you are struggling. If it helps I am still head over heels in love with my little boy almost 5 years on! My DD is getting to a difficult age...

Also boys clothes con be fab. Have a look online at Boden or Jojomamanbebe.

TheWaiting · 05/02/2019 21:15

Our first was a boy. When our second turned out to be a girl I was gutted as I had all these plans in my head of 2 boys close in age. I really didn’t have a clue what to do with her. It lasted about 6wks. My disappointment seemed worse because everyone was congratulating me on having one of each.

BowBeau · 05/02/2019 21:21

It’s always boys that people are disappointed by. They want a girl to dress up like a doll and be “friends” with, and drink cocktails and have spa days when she grows up. Your daughter might not be girly or into shopping or spas. Your son might be a drag queen and love having his nails done with you. Get to know the child you have instead of grieving the stereotype you had in your head.

RainbowWaffles · 05/02/2019 21:33

If you were so sure you were having a girl, it could just be the shock coupled with the horror of pregnancy and post partum sleep deprivation and hormones. It’s normal to feel a mess and it’s hard to process something being different than you expected. I was a bit disappointed after my gender scans, I have one of each but both times I would have preferred one of the opposite gender mainly as I just instinctively thought that is what I was having (no logical reason). Took me a while to get my head around it and I wasn’t so hormonal and sleep deprived.

Little boys rock and there are plenty of cute outfits for boys. Your relationship with your child is dictated by you and your child, not their gender.

tillytoodles1 · 05/02/2019 21:36

No, I had a boy then a girl and I was thrilled both times.

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