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Original poster

Has anyone else experienced gender disappointment?

94 replies

Foreverexhausted · 04/02/2019 17:30

I know you're meant to feel overwhelmed with love regardless of whether baby is a boy or girl but behind closed doors has anyone else felt disappointed?

I never found out the sex but I was convinced I was having a girl for all sorts of reasons. Once baby arrived and I was told "its a boy!" my heart sank. Within a few days I was sobbing with disappointment. I'm in a better place now but trying to work through my feelings. If I'm honest, 8 weeks later, I still feel disappointed. I've been trying to buy clothes for him and I keep looking at the variety of pretty girls clothes, boys clothes are nowhere near as nice.

I don't want to be criticised so if you haven't experienced it please don't give me a hard time. But if you have, did you have a boy or a girl and how long did it take for you to get over your feelings? And what helped change the way you felt?

Thanks

OP posts:
emzw12 · 05/02/2019 21:52

I "wanted" a little girl when I was pregnant first time round but found out at scan it was a little boy. I was a bit disappointed but not for long. Since he's been here (now 2.5 years) he's literally been the very best thing ever, so much so that when I found out I was pregnant second time I wanted it to be another boy - typical this one is a girl haha!

mayathebeealldaylong · 05/02/2019 21:59

@BowBeau love the drag queen comment!
Especially as I have 3 ds and they have all been in to more girl type stuff than me when I was a child. Besides Glitter and rainbows I did typically boy type things and had leg covered in bruises to my mothers dismay!

NameChange30 · 05/02/2019 22:22

YY to gender stereotypes being silly.

My toddler loves books, balls, bubbles, stickers, music, pushchair and teddies/doll, play kitchen, puzzles, tidying up (!) helping us to cook, helping with laundry, jumping in puddles, running after each other (especially with slightly older children), falling over on purpose, feeding the ducks, stroking but also terrorising our cats (depending on mood), exchanging kisses and cuddles.

He's a boy but he could just as easily have been a girl based on all that, couldn't he?

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ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 05/02/2019 22:40

Wow BowBeau, it's like you know me in RL and magically read my mind Hmm none of your 'reasons' are correct for me at all.

BowBeau · 05/02/2019 22:50

Regardless of your reasons for wanting a boy or a girl, they’re based on a stereotype of what you think each child will be like. And usually women like the idea of having a stereotypical girl and are disappointed with the idea of a stereotypical boy. You need to get over your expectations and get to know the child you actually have.

NameChange30 · 05/02/2019 23:01

I disagree with that. I think a woman's desire for a girl runs deeper than stereotypes. It's hard to articulate but I found it easier to imagine creating a girl, since i am one, and I found it easier to imagine raising a girl, since I grew up as one. It's not about stereotypes but about the biological and social experience of being female.

I love my son so much that it does make me feel sad for him and all the boys whose mothers were disappointed at first - but I don't think we should beat ourselves up about it. We all love our son's fiercely.

NameChange30 · 05/02/2019 23:01

Argh that rogue apostrophe was autocorrect not me!

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 05/02/2019 23:13

I completely agree with namechange. I love my boys and we have much in common, but we don't have the same types of body and our experiences have already diverged, both in the practicalities of those bodies and in how the world treats us because of them. I would have enjoyed having another person around who faces the same sex-dependent body issues as me (I.e. bras, periods, ovulation pain, hormone fluctuations etc). Mind you I have sometimes thought that that's unkind of me and that I should be pleased my boys get to avoid all that rubbish Grin

BowBeau · 05/02/2019 23:18

I found it easier to imagine raising a girl, since I grew up as one
This is exactly why I’m glad I had a boy. If I’d had a girl I’d have seen her as a “mini me” and would have projected all my fears and insecurities and regrets onto her. I’m coping much better with a boy simply because he obviously isn’t another me.

I would have enjoyed having another person around who faces the same sex-dependent body issues as me
God I’m so glad that my son won’t have to deal with all that! No pain, no periods, no pregnancy, no birth injuries. Being a woman is crap in that respect.

HouseOfToys · 05/02/2019 23:21

I have two girls. And wont be having anymore children. I do pine for what could have been with a boy. It makes me sad I wont have one.
I'm a tomboy and just expected to make a boy. Ridiculous really.

When my second DD came out it was an unenthusiastic "oh a girl" but got over it quickly. She's amazing.

2 years on I still occasionally look at baby boys clothes and feel wistful.

Kittykat93 · 05/02/2019 23:24

How did I know it would be a boy before opening the thread ...

So sick of people thinking having a baby boy is somehow not as lovely as having a girl!

I have one boy and have had so many people say to me oh I bet you're hoping for a girl next!! Hmm erm no I'm just hoping for a healthy baby.

I'm sure it goes the other way too but I've only ever heard people disappointed about having a boy and I honestly don't understand why. Mines fab Smile

user1496701154 · 05/02/2019 23:31

I can understand you I got told all during my pregnancy i was having a little girl for my little boy to arrive. I moruned for the little girl that I don't have and understanding about girls clothes there is always tiny section for boys clothes and girls have so much more it can be extremely frustrating.

BowBeau · 05/02/2019 23:36

Agree that boys clothes in high street shops are crap. I don’t even bother looking. I buy from small independent stores on Etsy or from Scandi brands such as Duns and Maxomorra.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 05/02/2019 23:51

No pain, no periods, no pregnancy, no birth injuries. Being a woman is crap in that respect.

At the end of my post I agreed with you on that score Grin doesn't mean I wasn't a little wistful though. Ironically I was desperate for DC1 to be a boy because I had no idea of how to be a decent mother to a girl (i.e. without being the same sort of harpy mine was); I'd got over that and realised I could probably parent a girl without being a right bitch by the time I was expecting DS2.....

hipstercat · 05/02/2019 23:55

I was a bit disappointed not to have a girl too and had a thread where people shared lots of lovely stories about their boys, if you want to find it. :)

The whole gender stereotype thing about how we have negative expectations of boys is a little bit of a strawman I feel. Of course many of us hope for a girl, because we have been one. Before they're born their sex is all you know about them, so obviously that's important! It isn't about loving frilly dresses, or hating mess (or not for everyone at least).

People say that once you get to know your baby you won't care anymore, and I'm sure they mean it, but at the same time many women will secretly keep hoping for a girl. Not to 'swap' for their actual child, obviously not, but just as a hypothetical experience they wish they had had. Nothing wrong with it, just a fact of life we have to deal with I think!

CkFa · 06/02/2019 03:35

After years of trying to have a baby I'm so fortunate that I got my precious boy. Again, in no way is this dismissing your feelings. But just feel adding a different perspective helps. Enjoy the precious little miracle you have made think about all the wonderful things that a baby boy can bring, as well as him growing up to be a wonderful man who loves his mamma. I can't imagine feeling disappointment at being handed a healthy baby, so it maybe could be a deeper issue. I hope the feeling passes and you can enjoy these precious early days. You don't want to look back on this time in years to come and remember this feeling. Maybe speak to someone to help you resolve things. Also as he gets older and his personality comes out you will love every second x

palmfrondisland · 06/02/2019 04:00

I think you have to step back and rationally look at the situation. Think about your whole future ahead as a parent.

Throughout your life as a parent your child has a very good chance at disappointing you.

They may be poor sleepers, breastfeeders, eaters.

They may be late walkers or talkers.

They may throw embarrassing tantrums.

They may struggle to separate from you. Struggle to interact with adults and other children.

They may have difficulties at school. Have trouble behaving. Have trouble learning. They may choose friends that you wish they didn't.

As they grow older as teens and young adults there are many variety of ways they can disappoint you.

I think it would be rare to find a parent who hasn't been disappointed. Parents of both boy babies and girl babies!! You have just had an early start.

So take some time for yourself. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Enjoy being with your baby and hunt down some cute outfits and accessories for your baby and yourself if that makes you feel better.

Rtmhwales · 06/02/2019 06:23

I was desperate for the baby to be a boy.
The scan told me he was in fact a boy. I was so relieved I burst into tears but everyone in my family was seriously worried I'd fall into a depression if he was a girl (everyone though it was a girl). I don't think it's shameful to want one sex over the over or feels depressed when you didn't get what you were expecting.

Chocolateheaven123 · 06/02/2019 06:40

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Sophisticatedsarcasm · 06/02/2019 06:40

Even though we kept DS a secret so didn’t know till he was born I was convince I was having a boy, I didn’t really care which sex he was as he she would be mine and something I created. I’m probably one of the few who find it easier for boys names and boys clothes. 😂

Silkie2 · 06/02/2019 06:47

I would look to your own childhood. In late life my DM said she always preferred little boys Hmm - I grew up greatly admiring my older DBrothers and wanted a boy - thankfully I had wonderful DDs , but I'd absorbed the 'boys' arebest attitude.
My DM had a close relationship with her DF, but not her DM which might be why she felt that but I didn't get much attention growing up (with hindsight).

cptartapp · 06/02/2019 07:07

I have two boys (now older) close in age, and what time has taught me is that for us, having two of the same gender has been absolutely the best outcome.
If this were a male dominated forum however i suspect it would read very differently. Research shows that most men prefer boys, and in fact are far more likely to leave the family unit if his offspring are solely female.

QueenofmyPrinces · 06/02/2019 07:24

I had a son first and when I got pregnant a second time I did somehow convince myself it was a girl and I daydreamed about what she’d be like and what it would be like to raise a girl and have a daughter etc but at the 20 week scan we were told it was another boy.

I won’t lie, I was crushed and wanted to cry. I had to put a smile on my face and fake excitement and happiness so the sonographer and my DH wouldn’t think I was a total cow but inside I was devastated.

To be clear though, my disappointment wasn’t because I actively didn’t want a boy, it was because I was sad that I would never have a daughter.

It took me about a week of hiding my disappointment from people and then suddenly I started to feel excited about having another boy and I would smile when we I thought about what my little boy would be like.

He’s 18 months now and by God I love him, I did from the minute he was born. I see my two boys together and their relationship is so special and I can’t believe how incredibly lucky I am.

I will never have another child, my DH is done, and part of me still thinks about what it would be like to have a daughter, but I can say hang on my heart that if I fell pregnant again and had a choice of sex I would want another boy.

With my first son we had a sexing scan came with us. She herself had had two boys (my DH and his brother) and she was desperate for a granddaughter. When we were told I was pregnant with a boy she was so disappointed and didn’t even try to hide it. The annoyed expression on her face and what she said about it still upsets me now and god knows what the sonogrepher must have thought.

I’m sorry you are feeling like this OP, please try and love your son and see him for the wonderful boy he is, bit of you can’t then please speak to your HV because she will have dealt with this a hundred times before.

tomhazard · 06/02/2019 07:32

I never found out either time but number one was a DD. If I could have picked I would have chosen another girl as I personally had a great relationship with a sister and thought this could be a nice dynamic. I didn't find out the sex the second time either and had a DS. I wasn't disappointed at all, I was elated with a healthy boy and I'm still elated with him nearly 4 years later. I didn't find out the sex because I didn't want to allow myself 'disappointment' and I knew whoever I arrived I would adore them.

MondeoFan · 06/02/2019 07:37

I was like this. I was desperate for a girl and didn't find out, I was fortunate enough to have a girl and was overjoyed. 2nd time around I didn't find out again but really wanted another girl, both the girls fathers have all boys in both families e.g they only have brothers and no sisters and the youngest DD dad had 4 boys already from 2 previous relationships so thought there's no way it'll be another girl but luckily it was.
Maybe try for another in a year to so?