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Original poster

Wife who drinks too much

59 replies

aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 16:11

My wife will drink 3-4 bottles of wine a week, normally a bottle each time she drinks. Sometimes she will drink more than that and has drank 2 bottles in one night. I have raised concerns about her drinking and she even admitted to having a problem in Jan 2018 and would go to AA for help, but then decided against it.

Last week, I came home from work to find that she was acting different whilst she was putting her two 5 year olds to bed, like she had been drinking. I found an empty bottle of wine in the kitchen and a hidden wine glass, which was empty and smelled of wine.

Am I right to be concerned or over reacting? I am concerned that she drinks too much and drinks whilst looking after our children.

OP posts:

peeblet · 01/02/2019 16:14

yes I'd be concerned but is there anything in her life / your relationship which may be the reason for her wanting to drink so much that you could be helping resolve? if not then you obviously just need another discussion to see what's wrong and raise concerns / offer help.

slimthinpin · 01/02/2019 16:18

sounds like more than she should but you hectoring her about it may not help and may make it worse. It's not off the scale compared to some people's drinking but also is more than she should. That said maybe she is hiding it more than you realise.

People tend to drink because they are unhappy or stressed. It's all about looking at the root causes of why she feels she has to drink. you need too ask her kindly why she's unhappy and what you can do to help.

Original poster

aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 16:22

She has always drank more than me. She always seems to drink when she is stressed, but she is is denial about her drinking.

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Inthetropics · 01/02/2019 16:22

That's A LOT of wine, and hidding the glass only makes it worse. That's not on!

peeblet · 01/02/2019 16:22

why is she stressed

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/02/2019 16:24

It is serious and it’s getting worse. She needs to be confronted with how bad it really is (and it is) as well as offered support and a listening ear.

Also remember the three Cs:

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it.

Only she can change this. But you can help by asking her what’s going on and saying you’ll help her find her own way through.

Headinthedrawer · 01/02/2019 16:24

Yes too much.But I'd be more worried that she's drinking on her own and not telling you.How do you think she would react if you said you need to talk about it?

Original poster

aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 16:32

When I met my wife, she tended to drink a lot and we would always meet her brother, who drinks a lot, as well, and also her friends at the pub, BBQ, or their houses, where drink was always involved.

OP posts:

Original poster

aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 16:41

She would not react well if I asked to discuss it with her and think that I was over reacting. My only remaining option appears to be an intervention and to discuss it with her parents, but she would not appreciate that either, but what else can I do?

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 01/02/2019 16:45

You can’t control someone else’s drinking. You can only control your reaction to it.
If she doesn’t see it as a problem then there is absolutely nothing you or her parents could do to change her habits.
I couldn’t live with this. Worth trying Al anon for support for you.

Original poster

aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 16:47

She gets stressed about having a busy day looking after our children or if she is tired, or if an elderly relative is in hospital etc. I know they can be stressful, but I have similar stresses, but don't drink. I have also not stopped drinking at home myself for the last 12 months (apart from maybe a total of 8 cans of beer over the last year), to help matters. I also don't buy drinks, as my wife will secretly drink those drinks herself.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 01/02/2019 16:50

She is using alcohol as a way to deal with stress. So she’s relying on it.
She’s binge drinking.
She’s drinking in secret.

This is a massive problem OP. you can’t force her to stop so what will you do?

Original poster

aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 16:59

Wolfiefan - I want to help her, but I need guidance as to what to do, especially when my children are involved in the situation!

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 01/02/2019 17:15

You can’t. That’s the simple answer. If she decides to stop then you can offer support. But you can’t actually change her behaviour. You and your kids have to be your priority here. It’s harsh but true.

Winebottle · 01/02/2019 17:24

I think you are overreacting.

3-4 bottles of wine a week is obviously too much and bad for her health but I think you should concentrate on how it impacts you rather than being morally outraged by the number of bottles.

Unless it is impacting you, I think it is as bad to be controlling about alcohol intake as it is with what your partner eats.

People can function perfectly well at that level of consumption and will survive for decades.

Original poster

aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 17:31

Winebottle - So you think that despite the consumption of alcohol being too much and bad for her health, I should allow my wife to continue down this path? This is not what I would expect someone to do with someone who they love.

It has impacted me and my children, when my wife oversleeps and is abusive to me when she is drunk and is too tired/hungover to join me and our children on a day out which we had planned and my children were looking forward to spending with both their parents.

OP posts:

7Days · 01/02/2019 17:35

Yes it's too much, health wise. And likely to get worse if she doesn't deal with managing stress better.
But she might well be functional, for now.
Now might be make or break time for her.
How is her life in general? Does she have just plain fun?
A combo of stress and boredom is a danger flash for people our age, ime, often there's nothing to be done about that. But if there is I think you should shoulder the burden for a while.
If she's not majorly dependent it might just avert disaster - you'll soon know if the problem needs heavy measures.
Things like, a hobby she used to do but doesn t get the chance to any more, maybe a present of an afternoon to go to an event or something.

I say that, but don't make a martyr of yourself either. But just see if it's just a reaction against boredom and drudgery or something more deep rooted.

LovingLola · 01/02/2019 17:35

You need to first of all make sure that your children are safe. Does she drive to bring them or collect them from school ?
I second the suggestion of contacting Al Anon for support for yourself.

coppercolouredtop · 01/02/2019 17:41

Why did she hide the glass....she could have just washed it up if she was trying to hide it and bin the evidence!

It's a slippery slope....Do you nag? Nagging makes me worse

Have you talked to her? I'm cutting down because my dp told me my drinking really bothers him - I get annoying and he worried about my health.

My weight was also creeping up.

stevearno · 01/02/2019 17:48

What YOU can do is - is show her life

Plan some excursions( with kids and stuff) - doesn't have too cost - women ( chicks ) are subtle beings Vs time introduce a hobby via sharing or pursuits...

Basically ' the booze cruise' becomes a recurring option as routine is mundane or it becomes a time filler and being a additive piece of gear it encroachs on routine that it shouldn't...... that then stomps on creativity ( life expansion)

FEAR OF LOSS is the most powerful thing in a human beings arsenal - when you make booze ( or drugs) second best - then you have won...... Man or women we align to subtly..... Subtle is TIME.....or dispersion of raw energy

In summary change her routine were possible and Vs time you will see results ( same for men and women) = drink will be seen as erosion from her new zest for life ( that you have induced via caring)

Winebottle · 01/02/2019 17:53

I am saying it is not for you to allow or not allow her to drink.

What matters is her behaviour not the number of bottles.

FurryDogMother · 01/02/2019 18:00

Whilst I agree with the 3 Cs (cause, control, cure), I also think that you shouldn't become complicit in her deceptive drinking - get it out in the open - tell her you've found the bottle and the glass, ask her why she's hiding it - does she think it's wrong, or is she afraid of your disapproval? Just say you'd rather know so you'll be aware when her judgement might be a bit off, and you need to make sure the children are cared for. Then leave her to it. She will make her own decision, one way or the other - but at least her drinking will be out in the open so you'll be aware of it.

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 01/02/2019 18:06

She was a drinker when you married her though. Did you agree between you that she would cut down post DC or something? It seems odd to marry a drinker and then complain she is a drinker.

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 01/02/2019 18:11

Chicks are subtle beings

Sounds like you have been at the vino Stevo

Wolfiefan · 01/02/2019 18:12

Honestly? I doubt you have any idea how much she really drinks. If she’s hiding glasses what else is she hiding?
A bottle at a time is a binge. That’s unhealthy.
But the real concern? Less the amount and more the pattern and impact of her drinking. She relies on it to deal with stress, she’s hiding her drinking, it is affecting her behaviour and clearly her relationship with her family.
But she doesn’t want to stop. Your options are to continue to put up with it and the impact it has on the whole family.
Or make plans to split.

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