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Original poster

Wife who drinks too much

59 replies

aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 16:11

My wife will drink 3-4 bottles of wine a week, normally a bottle each time she drinks. Sometimes she will drink more than that and has drank 2 bottles in one night. I have raised concerns about her drinking and she even admitted to having a problem in Jan 2018 and would go to AA for help, but then decided against it.

Last week, I came home from work to find that she was acting different whilst she was putting her two 5 year olds to bed, like she had been drinking. I found an empty bottle of wine in the kitchen and a hidden wine glass, which was empty and smelled of wine.

Am I right to be concerned or over reacting? I am concerned that she drinks too much and drinks whilst looking after our children.

OP posts:
Original poster
aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 18:13

TaintforTheLikesOfWe - My wife and I met about 10 years ago, when we were younger and both drank a lot, like most people in their twenties do, but I grew older and more responsible. Like most people who get older, I stopped drinking as much, as I have a job and family to look after and I realised that drinking lots is not something that you can continue in later life for health reasons and because I want to appreciate my life and family

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CatnissEverdene · 01/02/2019 18:13

Honest answer? You can't make her stop. What you can do is control her driving your kids around and her being left with them alone if she's drunk. You have to think of their safety first and foremost.

And do speak to Al-Anon, it was a lifeline for my friend whose DP was drinking too much. She was in denial for years over how bad it had really got..... just because it's wine and not vodka doesn't mean it's still not a problem. And hiding it is a real red flag.

Racecardriver · 01/02/2019 18:17

Firstly consider hiring a nanny or becoming a SAHP to keep your children safe.

Then think about what you can do to help your wife. You say that this is triggered by stress. Is there anything you can do to reduce her stress levels? Is there any way you can convince her to seek help? Is there anything you can do to help her? Maybe stop drinking with her for moral support?

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Original poster
aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 18:18

Wolfiefan - If we split, my wife will still be a carer for the children, as she does not work and I do work. I will still have concerns about the children, as the drinking will be a hidden issue which no one else is aware off, as my wife does most of her drinking at home.

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Wolfiefan · 01/02/2019 18:19

Not if she’s drinking so much that she can’t be trusted with the kids she won’t.

Original poster
aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 18:21

Wolfiefan - Proof is what is the major issue and convincing people on just my word alone that the drinking is a problem, especially as she denies it

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CatnissEverdene · 01/02/2019 18:22

It would be highly unlikely she'd be the resident parent if she's drinking.

Bumblebee39 · 01/02/2019 18:25

@aberdeen83

They can do hair strand tests so it's not unprovable

Maybe try keeping a diary of things (I suggest somewhere digital and password protected).
Write down things like: 'came home from work, DCs still awake, hidden wine glass' etc.
Then you can sit her down with a copy and say to her "I'm concerned you have a problem" it may be that seeing her drinking and odd behaviour will wake her up to it.
If not you have your first piece of "evidence" for court

I'm sure you want to help her, and hopefully she will want help, but ultimately you need to look out for the DCs

Original poster
aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 18:26

CatnissEverdene - I appreciate the words of support, but again convincing people of the problem when my wife hides bottles and is secretive is a major issue.

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TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 01/02/2019 18:28

You might have to think about being the main carer for your DC here OP. Perhaps suggest you both start going to AA meetings. Maybe get advice about the reality of being the RP. At least then when you speak to her, if you have had legal advice, she will realise you are deadly serious about her getting help.

stevearno · 01/02/2019 19:25

LOL

@TaintforTheLikesOfWe

Nail on the head - the vino has been involved ( great observation skill, what gave me away?) but I could still play pool one handed and win

I still stand by the subtle thing - women have limits that they will not pass ( INTEGRITY) . Where men will always stretch integrity...... Society is full of these manifestations .... Surely YOU know men are ' nightjobs' we are more impetus due to our biological programming .

I am a firm in the laws of attraction and the differences within the sexes - that when combined make something else

CatnissEverdene · 01/02/2019 19:27

Secret camera in the house? If you are really concerned that she could be drinking around the kids, I don't think you'd be treading on thin ice to use one.

Original poster
aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 19:40

Latest drink report - I was working at home today. My wife went to the post box to post a letter at 4pm. She took a long time to do this task. I suspect she went to Co-Op to buy food/wine. At 7pm she brought the girls up to get changed brush their teeth. She was acting strange as if she had been drinking. She took the girls downstairs again to watch a film on TV. I went downstairs to discover an empty bottle of wine hidden in her bag. There was also a full bottle of wine in the fridge, which she started to drink at 7.30pm.

I am at my wits end and so depressed!!! Is it advisable to discuss with her parents at this stage for support???

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coppercolouredtop · 01/02/2019 19:47

op she isnt drinking 3 - 4 bottles a week then is she - this is way bigger.

if she is going out and downing a bottle somewhere then openly drinking another she has a bigger problem than you thought.

you really need to talk to her i think. dont argue or judge - just ask. id come at it from the angle that you know she is drinking a lot more than she is admitting and you are concerned for the children.

LauraMipsum · 01/02/2019 19:50

In your OP you say that she was putting 'her' (twin?) children to bed - are they yours too, or children from a previous relationship?

I wouldn't discuss with her parents, who are likely to respond defensively or by 'telling her off' which is going to make it worse.

I'd suggest Al Anon and see if you can find some sort of independent intervention which doesn't involve grassing her up (which is how she will see it) to her friends or family. And maybe sit down and talk (without mentioning the alcohol or at least without being judgemental) about why she is stressed? If hiding it from you, because she's afraid of censure, becomes another stressor, that's not going to help.

Original poster
aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 20:07

LauraMipsum - The twin children are my children. How does an independent intervention work?

I have spoken to Al-Anon before who advised that if my wife is not willing to admit the problem, then I can't do anything else. It may have been the person who I talked to and may be someone else may advise differently

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LauraMipsum · 01/02/2019 20:45

Have you fallen into a pattern where she does everything for the twins, and you're the breadwinner? You saying she was putting "her" children to bed, and talking in terms of whether you would "allow" her to continue on this path - I may be wildly off course but it sounds as though she bears ALL the responsibility for house / children while you bear ALL the responsibility for earning.

If that is the case she may well be feeling very isolated while simultaneously self-blaming for not enjoying this 'precious time' when other women would love her life, there is a lot of this about.

The only way to know if she is drinking too much because she's stressed versus because she has a physical dependency is to actually talk to her, not treat her as a problem to be solved. By independent I meant a third party like a counsellor.

Wolfiefan · 01/02/2019 20:47

Her parents can’t do anything.
You can’t do anything.
She won’t change unless she wants to. And even then it’s not certain she will.
Start to plan an exit and gather evidence. Get legal advice.
And if she’s drinking a couple of bottles of wine and driving the next day then she’s going to be way over the limit.

Original poster
aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 21:06

LauraMipsum - My wife does not bear all the responsibility for the house or children. The "her" was a typo. I bear some of the responsbility for looking after the children, especially when she works part time in the evenings and I also look after my children at the weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
aberdeen83 · 01/02/2019 21:09

I have tried to talk with a counsellor about my wife's drinking with my wife, but she refuses to talk about it. I have also discussed her drinking calmly with her before to no avail

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coppercolouredtop · 01/02/2019 21:16

i recently watched the adrian chiles documentary which was hugely thought provoking for me - i am - a drinker like him. (the documentary was called drinkers like me)

its made be cut back and really think about how im drinking. is it something your dw would watch? there was a lady on there who was drinking 3 bottles of wine a night but cut back to 1 a week.

its resally hard once its a habit i think - even now im still probably way over 14 units a week but i must have been having 70 units a week easily.
now its half a bottle of wine 4 nights a week - a bit better though still work to do.

i find that the if my dp nags me i get really irritated and hate the control, but watching that documentary really did get me thinking.

i also think sometimes its easier to stop altogether than cut back. it depends on how you drink and how controlled you are.
you really need to talk to your dw. i dont have children and i only drive early 2 days a week and because im up at 5am those days i tend to have a lighter night with maybe one glass of wine with dinner and one after but then no more -
one thing i do have trouble with is the "off" switch and i have to really thnk or would keep topping up ..... maybe your dw has no "off" switch?
but she needs to see it for herself - my concern would be the kids.

CatnissEverdene · 01/02/2019 21:20

If her brother drinks a lot too, is it the "norm" for their family? I only say this as you mention her parents, but are they drinkers as well?

Wolfiefan · 01/02/2019 21:30

You’ve tried.
She isn’t changing.
So what will you do?

Fabaunt · 01/02/2019 21:30

Leave her and take your children

Sparrowlegs248 · 01/02/2019 21:30

If she regularly drinks 3 to 4 bottles a week, a bottle at a time, I'm not sure why she would be drunk, and hungover. I got to the stage of drinking a bottle every night, 1.5 to 2 on weekend nights and could still function perfectly well. I didn't get drunk unless I strayed over the 1.5 bottles. I drank because my life was miserable. I'm separated now and have the odd glass of wine.

So what I mean is, either she's drink8ng way more than you know, or you're exaggerating about her being drunk and hungover (I don't think you are btw).

And yes had my husband complained I'd have probably cracked another bottle open just to piss him off. Childish maybe but it was him that caused me misery and drinking was my way of not dealing with it.

I absolutely wouldn't stage an intervention. I'd say she needs help to address why she drinks. Harsh as it sounds, if your relationship is the reason then you're not the person to help her I don't think.

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