Wife who drinks too much

[aberdeen83]

My wife will drink 3-4 bottles of wine a week, normally a bottle each time she drinks. Sometimes she will drink more than that and has drank 2 bottles in one night. I have raised concerns about her drinking and she even admitted to having a problem in Jan 2018 and would go to AA for help, but then decided against it.

Last week, I came home from work to find that she was acting different whilst she was putting her two 5 year olds to bed, like she had been drinking. I found an empty bottle of wine in the kitchen and a hidden wine glass, which was empty and smelled of wine.

Am I right to be concerned or over reacting? I am concerned that she drinks too much and drinks whilst looking after our children.

Nobody else is the reason someone is an alcoholic. A person is an addict because of choices they make and how they choose to handle life. Don’t even think about laying this out on the OP as it being the fault of the relationship. He’s dealing with an addict in his house around his children, you don’t see him self destructing and blaming her. This is not his fault.

I still can’t get past the ‘her children’ part.

Are you there for her? Do you help her out? Do you give her a break?

Sorry to sound harsh, but maybe it’s her only downtime.

She’s not a stepford wife. She’s a human. She needs time to breathe. And it’s tough raising kids. What time do you get home at? As you’re saying you found a glass stashed? Jesus, if I’d been trying to get two kids to sleep at a certain time and the hadn’t gone, I’d crack a glass.

He found an empty bottle at the bottom of her bag that she drank in secret today before cracking in to the bottle in the fridge

I don’t think fault lies with the OP. He obviously cares about both his wife and his children, at least that’s how I’m reading it. And he’s in a desperate situation.
What id wonder is how your wife is in general is when it comes to opening up about stuff. You say she won’t talk about her drinking. Does she talk about other stuff or is she the type to withdraw when she is struggling? It seems to me like she struggles to look to other people for support in healthy ways, she’d rsther keep it all to herself and use alcohol to self-Medicate (to the extent that she is now developing a serious problem). I think the term for it would be an avoidant style of relating to others, she is going into herself more and more and she is maybe afraid of being vulnerable and admitting she needs help and has a problem - not just with alcohol but also with coping with stress etc.
My heart goes out to you OP as this is an incredibly tough situation. The hardest part is that she just won’t admit it. How is your relationship in general and how’s her relationships with other people? Is she withdrawing from everyone? How does she respond if you try to do something nice for her, does it go well or does she push you away?

She is an alcoholic and you need Al Anon. Alcoholic is a genetic disease just like other addictions.

I agree with whoever said to seek support from Al-anon for yourself. I hope you do and that they are helpful

if my wife is not willing to admit the problem, then I can't do anything else.

This, unfortunately, is the situation. You can’t force someone to stop drinking, they have to want to and be willing to accept help. The hiding the empty bottle and wine glass is alarming, especially as she then has one in the fridge to drink as if just starting to drink for the evening. I would consider speaking to the GP about your concerns so that something is logged on her medical record. All you can do is ensure adequate care for your children whilst they are in her solo care. The more you pressure her to stop the more likely she is to think ‘stuff you’ and drink more, her family seem to have normalised a certain level of drinking and, whilst she may be able to function the next day, at a certain level, if she is abusive when drunk then not able to take part in family life the next day that is a huge problem.

am at my wits end and so depressed!!! Is it advisable to discuss with her parents at this stage for support???
If her family drink then they are likely to not see her drinking as an issue. Can your parents support? You say If we split, my wife will still be a carer for the children, as she does not work and I do but surely if you are concerned about her drinking and looking after the kids then you would go for custody and arrange suitable childcare for when you are working like the millions of single working mothers with PR for their kids do?

Speak to her GP so something is logged, speak to AA for advice or there is a chat support on here as well as what not to say, what you could say and when.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/worried-about-someone-elses-drinking/

@Fabaunt I think you were responding directly to me. I'm not blaming the OP, though I can see why you'd think that. Just sharing my own experience. I wasn't an alcoholic. I was in a miserable, probably abusive relationship. It was my way of coping. It was very easy for me to stop snd stop i did, with no help, support or difficulty. Just offering another viewpoint. We only have one side here.

Thanks for the messages of support