Working mums: do you regret going back to work FT?

[Marghe87]

Posted a similar question a few days ago addressed to SAHM and it has raised a very good discussion around the topic (although some women felt offended by it, which is a shame).
I'd like to hear more stories from FT working mums (possibly with no family behind the corner to help) to understand who they manage to do it all and whether they have ever regretted their choice.

I am not a journalist (as some asked me before, lol) or anything like that. I just want to have an open discussion about this as none of my friends have kids or are TTC yet and I feel the need to share these topics (which worry me for my own future) with someone, that's all :)

What age are your children?

@pamplemoussed I am ttc - don't have children yet.

I did as I went back too early. So about a year later I quit and fell pregnant again.
I'm now on slightly less than full time hours and will hopefully go freelance soon so I can spend more time at home.
It's hard work working full time with small children / babies. I feel I can't do either job fully. Having said that we really needed my salary and we've been able to do things we wouldn't otherwise have been able to.
However, I have colleagues who have come back full time and are very happy with their decision. I also have friends who have significantly reduced hours and couldn't imagine doing otherwise.
I'd say it's the kind of thing you decide once you have the baby as you won't know how you'll feel. You also need the father to be supportive in either scenario - financially equal if you earn less and he needs to be much more involved with appointments, housework etc if you work full time (assuming he does too).

Having said all that, I know I couldn't be a SAHM and we need me to earn something as we have quite a large mortgage.

You may not be a journalist but you're asking everyone else to be generous in sharing their experiences when you haven't given any idea about your own life. Do you have a job you love? A 'career' type job or ambition? What is your partner's job? Support available? Likely funds?

Otherwise you're going to get 100 women taking the time to share their experiences, 90 of which may be completely irrelevant to you.

I couldn't afford to be a SAHM and also I am not sure I would want to as I have worked hard to get my career on track and I do love my job and my company.
We don't have families nearby so we will have to fully rely on a nursery or CM (which is expensive, I know, but it would still be better than one of us staying at home as we couldn't afford that).
My husband and I split everything 50% but he'd also be working full time and his job/employer is slightly less flexible than mine.
I am just so concerned about all the logistics and not being able to make it without family help or other type of arrangements we cannot afford.
I am desperate to hear "successful" stories and I don't have many other women around me that did it.

Any working dads regret working full time or feeling pressure to carry the whole financial burden?

No regrets at all. I went back f/t when DS was 10 months.
However, i have a very flexible job which helps.

I wonder how many men get asked this question?

Otherwise you're going to get 100 women taking the time to share their experiences, 90 of which may be completely irrelevant to you.

This is true. Working full time or not isn't really a decision taken in isolation. I also don't think it's as simple as regretting or not as there are advantages and disadvantages to both SAHM and working.

It's not a permanent decision either.

@Becles : PRECISELY! I am fully supporting equality and want to continue working and building my career even after DC - it just doesn't seem to be "realistic" by reading posts on mumsnet where everyone seems to either be a SAHM or PT or freelance worker?
I can't afford to do any of the above, will have to continue working in order to provide for the family (so does my husband) and be able to afford to buy a house one day.

I was a SAHM when my D.C. were little and then went back full time.

My choice to go back.

I’ve never regretted it. I believe it’s important to be financially independent should that ever become necessary.

How do I manage it? We manage it together. We’re organised and everyone (including the D.C.) does their fair share.

We had an amazing CM and I had a really flexible job (and amazing manager!) but no family support.

I don't regret going back at 11 months with both dc because I didn't really miss too much with how I'd arranged my working.

We have now emigrated and I'm working while dh is looking. I've just started an amazing contract that I'd love to continue if dh finds a job soon but I won't as we agreed with this move that one parent would stay at home with dc to help them with the transition for at least a year.

Thanks for coming back, that does make sense.
I've been ft with 3 DC's - currently on mat leave with #4 and due to return full time also.

If I won the lottery, I'd be a SAHM in a flash - I love being with the kids, and there's plenty to do as they get older with school, plus holidays, seeing family etc. However I'm the main earner, and it has been good for me to go back as 3 years ago my DH had unexpected health issues that meant he had to leave his previous job for 6 months and then go part time for 6 more - if I'd been earning less, we would have been in real trouble. In my field pt roles are rare, though I do work a day a week from home and often leave 'early' at 5pm and pick up again once kids are asleep.

With one DC in nursery, two people full time is totally workable, but I do think it can be hard on a young baby. The key is making sure you are both able to take days off when the child inevitably gets sick, so one person is not taking all the hits.
It gets harder with school - there are school holidays to manage, inset days, sports days, concerts, before and after school care can be tricky to guarantee and navigate, and a reception child, for example, is often knackered by 3.30 and really wants to be home.
The other challenge is home and life admin. If you don't have a cleaner then you have to spend more of your very limited free time on the house.

My perfect idea would be both of us 3-4 days a week, so DC's are in external care 3 days max. However right now we'll both be 5 days - but we will have a nanny, which helps a lot, as it gives more continuity of care and a chance for them to be home more, and also a cleaner who irons, so that when we are home we can maximise our time with children.

So in summary - yes it's doable, 2 people working full time office hours is hard and not really ideal, the best fix is to pay for as much help as you can, and negotiate as much flexibility as you can for BOTH partners, not just the mother. One important thing is also if you're planning more DC - it can be helpful to keep your career going when they're young, it's hard but means that by the time they're at school you've proved yourself enough that you can easily work from home, or start and leave early one day a week to do dropoff, or pop out in the middle of the day for a concert. Some of my friends were home with small DCs then wanted to go back once all were at school, but it's hard to have a long CV gap, and all needed to take big pay cuts and then had less flexibility once they got a job.

OP If you have decided that you'll carry on working FT then you can make it work.
It helps if you do the following :
Have your partner on board who is willing to take half the sick days, trips to the doctors and any other appointments.
You are organised with meals and have a large freezer - cooking midweek can get a bit much
Are willing to accept that until they start school you'll be paying lots in childcare and it may not feel worth it
Have a cleaner if financially possible

I don't regret it at all. I went back FT when DD was 9 months - although I did do a 'phased return' building up to FT over about 6 weeks.
A friend who works 4 days said she ended up doing all the housework on her day off, and I could see how that could easily happen!
DH and I have a very equal division of domestic, pick-up and drop-off duties, and the fact that we both work 5 days a week means it's pretty non-negotiable (but then he's the type of bloke who hasn't ever expected to be looked after).
DH's family are all miles away, and my parents have never wanted to do regular childcare, so we have had to work it all out ourselves. We are a very planned-out household, we all know the routine and schedule, and we throw money at things like childcare to solve any problems. We have all our fun at weekends!
Although I know I was put on the 'mummy track' at work when I went back (large corporate environment), I've kind of come through it (DD is now 6), moved jobs and am undertaking further professional training. My salary and pension has never taken a hit and I now earn more than DH. I'm not super-ambitious, but I like a challenge and I enjoy being / doing things in addition to parenting DD.
I have heard many people say that it's teenagers who need you around more, so DH and I are definitely open to the possibility of reducing the number of days we work later down the line - and we'll be more likely to have the flexibility & be able to afford it by that time too.
I really am not someone who was ever tempted to SAH though, so all of this might be irrelevant to you!

I work full time but I'm lucky to have my MIL doing 100% of my childcare.

I've had to wrangle some flexible working hours/working from home (my company doesn't really support this, I feel this is a major reason why I haven't had to quit my job yet). When my son starts Preschool in September, this is where I will have issues. DS will have a 9-3 day at school. Where I work 9-5 and it takes me 1.5 hours to get back home/to his school. I currently can only work from home one day. My biggest regret right now is how far I work from home (I'm in central London and live outside of London). I think I have no choice but to find something closer to me.

Plus I have to think about slotting an extra child into the madness as I want to start TTC #2 this year.

I should add that DH has more flexibility than me, and does help me with my current work schedule. But his job is more demanding, and his hours are longer than mine. So we have to juggle through the week mostly.

I couldn't go back to work full time but I also didn't enjoy my job and my husband said he would keep me at home. My twins go to their grandparents , I work one and I do housework /catch up on things / relax on the other day. People are nuts wanting everything the same time. I'd be knackered. They're only small once.

@MissSueFlay Thank you for sharing this. You experience is indeed very relevant to me!
I also don't really fancy being a SAHM (I know it's hard to know what you will want before you even have a baby in your arms) but I have worked hard to find a career path I love and I have been waiting before TTC as I wanted to be promoted first and feel more stable with my job. Leaving all these efforts behind is not appealing to me. Also I couldn't afford it, which makes the decision easier I suppose.
I know my employer can offer a certain level of flexibility (ie: one of my colleagues with DC works from home once a week and leaves 45 min earlier to then reconnect in the evening) which I seriously hope I will manage to negotiate when the time will come.
My husband's job is slightly less flexible than mine (not his fault, it is just the type of work) but he does more things around the home than I do and I know I can fully rely on him splitting all the tasks. What worries me are the logistics of not being able to go to work if DC is frequently ill, what happens if all trains are cancelled and we are arriving too late for nursery pick-ups etc etc.

I too think it is better to keep career going once they are small and in full time (expensive) childcare in order to hopefully reach a better level of seniority later on which might allow you to be in the position of asking for more flexibility or applying for better paid jobs etc etc.

@bigspagbol "People are nuts wanting everything the same time. I'd be knackered".

Some people don't have a choice as giving up one income would mean putting the family in a very bad financial situation.
They might only be small once but they also grow up very quickly and I wouldn't want to give up the career I have build with a lot of efforts and sacrifices to then go back to any random job once they are at school.

@bigspagbol good for you, but the op specifically said she won't be able to afford to be an SAHM and that she has no family help.
We aren't all 'nuts' wanting things at the same time, your option sounds great but it just isn't an option for all of us.

If you are not yet pregnant, there is still time for your partner to look for a more flexible job. There is too much pressure on women to always be the flexible ones and yet men rarely seem to consider it for themselves.

@DropOffArtiste don't judge if you don't know the situation (ie: how long my husband has worked there, why he works there, the type of job he does, how difficult it would be to change it, other factors that make that the best option for us etc).

Not everyone is able to just go and find a flexible job that pays the same.

@Marghe87 my circumstances were and are completely different to yours but do prove that although stressful the 'juggling' can be done. It just depends how much you are prepared to juggle your life.

Was married when I got pregnant but husband was on minimum wage I earned more than him but lower than the average UK full time wage.
It was never an option to be a SAHM or a SAHD we just couldn't have afforded it

I worked part time from home from 6 weeks after DD was born then went back to work ft after 6 months and put DD into nursery

We only had one car and my then DH worked where there was no public transport
So I'd get up at 6am and get me and DD ready, drive DH to work to start at 7am then drive 15 miles back the other way to DD's nursery then drive myself to work to start at 8.30
I then left work at 4.30 collected DD at 5 then collected DH from work at 6pm. We got home at 6.30 pm
I won't pretend it was fun or easy, it was neither.

Fast forward 3 years and DH and I split up. I was already working ft and used to long hours and running around and it stood me in really good stead .

I haven't regretted it for a second.

I love my kids but my career was also important. I was very happy I had done this when me and exh split up. We have enough equity to split and I bought a small house. I was able to do this because I had worked full time. I wasn't trying to increase hours or start again. It felt great knowing I could walk away and I would be ok.

I now, live with DP. He is amazing. He understands my career is important to me and after a good few years juggling childcare, the kids, the job, the house we decided i would still pursue my career and he would be the one that did more at home.

I was used to juggling everything. Now I feel life is pretty easy. Dp is great and does loads, my latest job is flexible etc.

If I had my time again, I wouldn't reduce hours give work.