Working mums: do you regret going back to work FT?

[Marghe87]

Posted a similar question a few days ago addressed to SAHM and it has raised a very good discussion around the topic (although some women felt offended by it, which is a shame).
I'd like to hear more stories from FT working mums (possibly with no family behind the corner to help) to understand who they manage to do it all and whether they have ever regretted their choice.

I am not a journalist (as some asked me before, lol) or anything like that. I just want to have an open discussion about this as none of my friends have kids or are TTC yet and I feel the need to share these topics (which worry me for my own future) with someone, that's all :)

They're only small once
An awful, judgement laden comment made exclusively to working mums.

What does your husband do?

Oh and I should have said we had no family help at all as both sets of parents lived abroad. I have sisters but one lived an hour away and both also worked full time

I am back to work FT after DS1 but only back for 8 weeks before I go off on maternity again with babynumber 2 lol. So it makes it bearable.

Personally I have found it quite difficult not being with my son all that time and only having 2 hours or so in the evenings with him, 5 days a week. However I definitely could not be a stay at home Mum , so my personal preference is to work part time. I do quite like my job and its good for my son to get to spend time with other kids and not me all the time.

After this baby number 2 I just couldnt go back full time. With two kids so young and close together and keeping a house in order, I would struggle with the balance I think. Hats off to those who can do it though!

Financially its not too bad, our childminder is quite reasonable and we get help from the new government taxfree childcare scheme (we pay in £8, the govt pay in £2 so you almost get a week per month ree childcare). Also my mother in law looks after DS one day a week so that saves us more money.

Hubby and I haven't worked out how me going back part time next year will financially impact us, we will do the sums near the end of my maternity leave. However we are prepared to make sacrifices and take the hit for a few years if it means our kids spending more than 50% of the full week with me and at home. For me, this would be the best balance with less stress overall leading to a happier family life and marriage.

@Marghe87, I think it it's easy to get yourself in a twist about logistics etc. before you need to. You have no idea what's in the future, maybe stick to big-picture planning for the time being. Babies are all different, parenting styles can be very different, situations can turn on a pin-head, different options become available, you may feel differently about various things from how you expected to, etc. Most of us cross bridges when we come to them - and I'm a planner!

You have said that you will have to go back to work, so you're going into it knowing that. Enjoy being pregnant, enjoy the newborn time, go and look at nurseries and childminders early so you have a choice not just what you can get into. Speak to them about their pick-up & illness policies. Keep up a dialogue with HR, do KIT days if you can, maybe look at dropping an hour a day to help with pick-up. Start saving now to make some of those decisions easier later.

You may have a baby who sleeps well and has robust health - they do exist, I had one Expect that your house will be full of sickness for the first few months at nursery. Manage your expectations about what you can do in the short time between pick-up and bed-time. Don't slip into a default that you are managing everything if both you and your DH are working full-time, it will make you miserable. And try not to feel 'mummy guilt' - if you and your DH need to work to provide for your family, or if you simply just want to keep on working, then you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I've never heard of 'daddy guilt'.

Omg don't take offence so easily . They are only small for a little white. And they do grow up quickly. Dont be jealous!

@MissSueFlay I should print this comment and read it every day - thank you!

In an ideal world I'd have stayed working part-time. For me it was the perfect balance.

However, life is far from ideal and I had to go back to work full-time.

It has been fine. Bit of a struggle sometimes to get the logistics right, but it has made me an organisational ninja!

My DC are nearly adults now and we are really close, I was always there for them in the evenings and weekends and they know how hard I've worked too.

Another plus, is that I'm now doing well in my career, have all my NI contributions fully paid (important for a pension), have a workplace pension, had private healthcare throughout and all that kind of stuff.

I would say negotiate hard on as much holiday as you possibly can. If they offer 25 days, ask for 30. You may not get it, but ask - you never know. At every annual review ask for it. I've been able to negotiate one early departure a week, so I could do school pick up one day, which helped keep me in touch with school and I've also been able to work from home every now and then, which helped as they got older and I could eek out annual leave. Companies have definitely got more family friendly in the 19 years I've been a parent.

I started a full time job when my daughter was in reception and really regretted it! I really missed not being able to pick her up from school and seeing school plays etc. It was also so tiring, working and doing housework at weekends.
I’ve now just been offered a new job 2 days a week and I’m delighted 😊

I went full time when youngest dd went to school full time. Financially I don't have a choice but I had moved my job close to him do childcare shrank to one after school a week. I negotiated a late start to accommodate the school run but I work flexi anyway so no one cares.

I have never clocked in and out and work from home quite a bit. If I worked a strict 9-5 where you're expected to be in the building I would struggle

After my first I went back FT following 13 months of maternity leave. The work bit is easy, it’s the home and family bit that’s hard. I always felt I was behind on everything at home, dropping balls and letting things slide. Also felt like I was shortchanging my child. Had another and went back FT, was a nightmare. Two lots of appointments, Doctors, sickness’s etc etc constantly asking for time off. Employer was pissed off. No family help.

It was clear I had to go PT as it was unmanageable. PT was better, but still hard.

Had a third and only went back to work my notice. No way was I going to manage even PT without any family help.

In my experience, people who FT works for are the ones with granny and granddad at the beck and call. Better still, two sets of grandparents at their disposal. They don’t need to take time off in cases of child sickness, school plays or various child appointments. They can carry on and somebody else will pick up the slack for them. If you have got no support, it is incredibly hard. But if you only got one, it should be manageable.

I went back to work full time after my first baby. I had a full year maternity leave first. My work was an hour’s commute each way. I changed my hours to 8 to 4 so I could be back by 5 and have two hours with him before bedtime as well as putting him to bed, and worked from home Fridays. He went to nursery three days, including the day I worked from home, and DH who was freelance and worked from home looked after him the other two days.

I have to say I do regret going back to work full time. At the time all my friends were going back to work, and most had shorter mat leaves and their children spent longer in nursery. But I do feel I missed out on a lot, and I do feel that some character traits of DC1 as opposed to DC 2, who was much older when he went to nursery and spent much less time there, may well have been caused by me going back to work. They might not have done of course.

On the up side I did enjoy going back to work at the time, and am probably in a better career position now because of it, and it was really a benefit for DH to be so involved in looking after DC1. My regrets are more in retrospect. After I had DC2 I went freelance, and I now only work school hours if possible.

Went back full time (ish)- work from home on Thursday mornings, Thursday afternoons off, when my LO was 8 months. I hate it, I hate it even more now as I feel we could being doing more together now she is a toddler if I was a SAHM. When in the office I see my daughter for an hour in the morning and an hour at night, the weekend flies and I'm miserable.

@FlightOfFancy9 - it sounds like you were literally doing everything, no wonder you felt you had to go PT. Did your DH not do his share of things at home, appointments, doctors, sicknesses etc.? It's a shame that 9/10 times it's the woman who compromises - there's the gender pay gap vicious circle right there.

The work bit is easy, it’s the home and family bit that’s hard
Spot on!

Omg don't take offence so easily . They are only small for a little white. And they do grow up quickly. Dont be jealous!

Jealous? Is that what you really think? Don't assume those of us that have chosen to work are jealous of those have decided not to. That is quite offensive actually.

I wonder if you've ever said that to a working dad?

In my experience, people who FT works for are the ones with granny and granddad at the beck and call. Better still, two sets of grandparents at their disposal

Not true. We both work f/t and have no family help at all. What you actually need is two parents who contribute to the household tasks and childcare equally. That is how you make it work.

I dont assume anything. I dont judge mums or dads that work or stay at home. But i cant even say they're only small once without someone getting offended. It is true!! It's also true that they grow up fast!

Marghe87 - it really is posible. I am not superwoman, I'm a really ordinary mortal and somehow I've managed to be a full-time working single parent. I didn't have any handy extended family to support me. It boils down to relentless organisation and staying on top of everything and quite a lot of compromising!

I dont judge mums or dads that work or stay at home. But i cant even say they're only small once without someone getting offended. It is true!! It's also true that they grow up fast!

That phrase seems to be exclusively said to women when considering returning to work and suggests that you are missing out in someway if you do. That doesn't have to be the case. In this context it comes across laden with judgement.
I never hear it in any other context and I've never heard it said to a dad who works full time.

@CostanzaG the whole 2 working parents who contribute equally kind of goes out the window when you're a single parent.

I have no family support and never have had.

I also have always worked full time

They might only be small once but they also grow up very quickly and I wouldn't want to give up the career I have build with a lot of efforts and sacrifices to then go back to any random job once they are at school.

This depends on your job. I took five years out and went back to the same job on an excellent salary in a different company.

What I did lose was the opportunity to get right to the top of the tree career wise. I made my peace with that and am happy with my choices.

bigspag isn’t entirely wrong though. Having a child changes things. It isn’t actually possible to have it all.

Once you have children, even if you return to work full time you may find it difficult to demonstrate the same commitment in terms of hours and travel as you did previously.

When your D.C. are little you may be sleep deprived so you won’t always be operating on the same no of cylinders anyway.

If you are both working and sharing the load then your DH’s career will also be impacted by the same factors: time, travel, sleep deprivation.

A successful family life is about balance. What works for one family won’t work for another. People have different strengths, different priorities and different calls on their time.

I can cope on 4 hours sleep but not everyone can.

I can cope if my DH travels for work but not everyone finds it easy.

DH can cope if Itravel for work but several of my friends’ DHs find it difficult to manage.

I don’t have to work financially but I prefer to not make myself vulnerable. I pay a price for that but I think it’s worth it.

Not everyone is prepared to lead that kind of life.

I was a SAHM for years and enjoyed that life too. I also paid a price for that. It was worth it to me but won’t be to everyone.

There is no “wrong” answer here there just the best choice you can make for your own family at any point in time.

Fair point indie
I was drawing from my experience where we can only make it work because we both contribute equally. I was trying to make the point that it can be done without the support of extended family.

In which case I agree @CostanzaG it can be done

It's much easier to go back FT when children are very little than when they are school age (4+). The childcare providers are usually open year round, more compatible with working hours, and you don't have to do any prep for kids in respect of school requirements (homework, reading, spelling, uniforms, consent forms and all the endless plays, sports days, class assemblies, trips etc etc). All you need to send in is a couple of spare sets of clothes and some nappies.

Most people find the space between DC 1 and DC 2 to be the time they can most easily commit the most hours with the least stress. There was a study published recently saying working mothers with two children were more than twice as stressed as working mothers with 1. Once DC 2 comes along it changes significantly, especially when DC1 starts school and DC2 is still in nursery so it's harder to juggle arrangements.

That said, it's easier to build UP the hours if you find you're able to than reduce them because it's too much. You'll find all the way through your parenting years though that your threshold and capacity increases year on year as needs get greater as children get older. I don't know what age this starts to reverse but mine are 7 and 4 and it's still incrementally more work every year.

I went back almost FT after having DD, but changed to 4 longer days rather than 5 to save a days childcare. Had to drop 3 hours to facilitate nursery pick ups on one day. DH has altered his start and finish times to do the other three nursery days. We don’t really have much outside help - originally grandparents were doing half of the childcare but it was too much for them. They now have ill health, and the other set still working full time means we have limited help in emergencies.

I have no regrets at all. We have to be organised but we have a good routine going with the housework between us, and I love my day off with DD and our weekends together. I struggled on maternity leave with the monotony and while part of me would love to be able to afford to be a SAHM I know it’s not really for me and I have huge admiration for those that manage it. DD is amazing but work allows me to still be me, and means the time I do get with her is quality time. Part time work would mean we’d struggle financially, and would also limit me progressing career wise.

We are considering a second DC once DD is hitting school age. I may need to drop further hours then with two different drop offs to arrange, but we’ll worry about that nearer the time. DH may well have changed jobs by then, who knows. There aren’t many options for me as my qualification is pretty specific but he can be much more flexible.

I think it’s important to think about this sort of thing before TTC but you can never know completely how things will work out. It’s actually fallen into place for us much better than I thought it would. However, I wouldn’t get too hung up in the details. The majority of families find what works for them and do ok, even if they aren’t able to do things exactly as they’d wish in an ideal world. People manage.