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Original poster

Working mums: do you regret going back to work FT?

79 replies

Marghe87 · 28/01/2019 10:36

Posted a similar question a few days ago addressed to SAHM and it has raised a very good discussion around the topic (although some women felt offended by it, which is a shame).
I'd like to hear more stories from FT working mums (possibly with no family behind the corner to help) to understand who they manage to do it all and whether they have ever regretted their choice.

I am not a journalist (as some asked me before, lol) or anything like that. I just want to have an open discussion about this as none of my friends have kids or are TTC yet and I feel the need to share these topics (which worry me for my own future) with someone, that's all :)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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soberexpat · 28/01/2019 15:56

I went back to work when DD was 5 months old.

I love my job, I am very good at it and I earn great money, if I had taken a long time off I would have stalled my career as it is very fast paced.

I still say I would work if I don't get paid, my brain needs the stimulation and I love human interaction and being inspired by my peers.

I also feel that I have invested a great deal in my education and career and not working would have personally felt like I was throwing that away.

Whilst back at work I managed to campaign for better treatment for working mothers which will then I hope cascade to women in the future (I don't work at the same place now).

I don't regret it one bit.

No one seems to ask this question of men...

DaffydownClock · 28/01/2019 15:59

I worked every other night (12 hour shifts) as a nurse and rarely got any sleep in the day as two children and zero support from parents/MIL.
It was the only way to survive (tenant farmers), very tough. When AfC came in I had to do days as well as nights, luckily the DCs were older by then but still incredibly hard work without support for school holidays etc.

CostanzaG · 28/01/2019 16:40

sober I think you might be me.

Me and my DH work at the same place. My decision to return full time has been questioned dozens of times.....nobody has ever commented on his working patterns.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

MissSueFlay · 28/01/2019 17:17

@CostanzaG - a male friend worked for one of the Big 4. When he & his DW (didn't work at the same place) had a baby he made enquiries about going down to 4 days a week. His supervising partner asked him, "Are you serious about partnership?". If it had been his DW asking, it would probably have been waved through without question. He stayed FT.

SittingAround1 · 28/01/2019 17:27

I think your child's personality will have an influence on how you feel about working. I have a friend with a very active boy who loved full time nursery, so she worked full time without any qualms. However, there are children who will cry every morning and that will affect how you feel about work.

Ivegotthree · 28/01/2019 17:30

No, I am so glad I did. We have more money and I am more confident and happier.

Biancadelrioisback · 28/01/2019 17:33

I regret it. Every day. I hate the fact that I'm working and my DS is being looked after elsewhere. I have to work or we would lose the house. That is my only motivation. If we ever came into money id quit work in an instant

ittooshallpass · 28/01/2019 17:40

I have worked FT since DD was 10 months. No choice. Was main breadwinner.

Have been a single mum with no family support and working full time since DD was 3. She's now 10.

I just get on with it. It can be done; especially when it has to be done.

CostanzaG · 28/01/2019 17:54

miss shame on that organisation. Companies should be doing more to encourage flexible working for all parents. Just because you have a child doesn't mean you become an ineffectual employee.

Fr3d · 28/01/2019 18:02

Pre kids I was wrecked in the evening, working a 40+ hour job at management level. Was too tired to talk to the dog. If I had more stamina, I would consider ft work but don't think I'd manage it now with young kids.

In our case, dh works 60-80 hours a week so while he can do pick ups n drop off etc, 90% of house, school etc falls to me. Even if I worked 40 hours, he would still work way more than me.

Friends who work fulltime have some of the following:
He does 90% of the drop offs/pick ups, she does the cooking
One has a SAHD as partner
One worked part time evenings weeks til child 11, then ft with same company. They share child sick days etc

Tiredeyes21 · 28/01/2019 18:06

I work full time and earn around 15k more than DH, DH has condensed his hours over four days so has a free day each week to have DC (3). I worked PT after mat leave for six months then I went full time.

It’s tiring, I do the majority of pick up and drops off for nursery... I do most of housework too. But it works for us....

I would like to have a day off with DC in the week but that being said nursery is great for him.

Boysandbuses · 28/01/2019 18:08

@bigspagbol so why doesn't your husband mind missing them?

You could say being financially depe dent on another person who could just wall away, was nuts. Personally I prefer not to judge and let people do what make them happy

Fr3d · 28/01/2019 18:15

So having 2 parents working 40 hours and sharing the house, kids stuff etc is doable I think. Good childcare is invaluable and a cleaner. Bills by direct debit, grocery shop online etc

user1493413286 · 28/01/2019 18:22

I went back to work 4 days when DD was a year and I was happy with that; I loved having my day with my DD. Unfortunately I was working in a very stressful job and had to do so much extra work but to move to a less stressful job I had to take a full time position 6 months later.
I do regret working 5 days rather than the 4 I used to do. I miss my time with her and I’m always exhausted but I know that’s in part because DD doesn’t sleep well. Hopefully with another DC I’ll stay part time for much longer

bigspagbol · 28/01/2019 18:29

He doesn't mind - I don't know . He probably does sometimes but he doesnt want to be home with them.

Hes my husband - whats wrong with depending on him? Wow I feel old fashioned !

hayf · 28/01/2019 19:22

No one seems to ask this question of men....

True, but I know a lot of men who regret not having been able to spend more time with their family when they were young. DH included.

CostanzaG · 28/01/2019 19:51

True, but I know a lot of men who regret not having been able to spend more time with their family when they were young. DH included

All the more reason for more men to request flexible working and take up shared parental leave. It's about time that societal expectations around childcare changed.

Hes my husband - whats wrong with depending on him?

It's quite risky to be financially dependent on someone. Unless you have guaranteed financial security it's always going to be a risk.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 28/01/2019 19:57

Hes my husband - whats wrong with depending on him?

Depends how risky you like your life, and what is your fallback plan. If you have minted parents, significant wealth or very desirable qualifications then do take time out. But when my DH became ill it was sudden, unexpected and would have been financially ruinous if I didn't also have a decent job. Income protection insurance helps to a point but takes a long time to kick in and insurers fight you at every point. Much as I'd love to take time out, our experience then has put me off doing it in a big way.

Boysandbuses · 28/01/2019 19:57

He doesn't mind - I don't know . He probably does sometimes but he doesnt want to be home with them.

But don't you tell him 'they aren't small for long'.

You are not old fashioned. But you are naive/ taking a risk being financially dependent on anyone, even your husband, as it's not that easy to manage your finances if they decide to leave. It's not a risk I was willing to take. My decision paid off for me.

Helpmedecide123 · 28/01/2019 23:32

I have 3 DC - 7, 4 and 2. I returned to work FT after each maternity leave. I did it because I have the sort of job where I get calls etc on my day off, so if I'm going to be working anyway I'm damn well going to get paid for it.

It works for us because:

We have split drop off and pick up between us
We have excellent childcare - our youngest attends nursery on the same site as the older two's wrap around care
No family nearby but we take it in turns to look after sick children etc

Do I wish I'd gone part time? No. My children are thriving and I've arranged my working hours so that I'm home with them by 4pm every day. And I really enjoy my job. Plus it's important to me to show my daughters that women do have opportunities and that our careers are just as important as men's.

swimmerforlife · 29/01/2019 01:49

Yup I was the main breadwinner so I went back to work when both sons were 6 months old. I love them dearly but work is extremely important to me so I have never regretted it either.

But I can work flexi hours. My current job I am in (leaving though), I work 8am-4pm three days per week (although the 45min commute is a bit shit) and generally one day per week I can WFH.

And DH has pretty much been a mix of SAHD and freelance since DS1 was born (7 years ago) so that sort of covers the practical arrangements etc

My mum (LP) worked full time from when I was 3 months old and I still thrived and we have an extremely close relationship.

OutOntheTilez · 29/01/2019 02:24

My sons are teenagers and I don’t regret going back full-time. They don’t need me like they used to, and in a few years they’ll be out of the house anyway. I imagine I would be struggling with that if my entire identity had been “Mommy.”

Plus, they weren’t keeping tabs on how many scraped knees I bandaged, and they don’t care that when they were in elementary school, I attended every single one of their class parties, “despite” my working mom status. I didn’t miss one, and that means more to me than it means to them, because they just don’t remember all of that.

They just know I love them to the moon.

brookshelley · 29/01/2019 03:19

I don't regret it. We don't have family to help but we have a nanny - we live in a country where this is affordable on a middle class income. I am also able to work from home 1 day a week so I do nursery drop off and have lunch with the DCs those days.

I work because

A) we are making long-term financial plans that wouldn't be possible without two incomes e.g. buying property and saving for the DCs education

B) as a child my DF was made redundant and was out of work for almost a year, and my DM's career kept the family finances afloat. Anything can happen - job loss, illness, divorce, etc. I view working as part of my responsibility to take care of my children.

Want2bSupermum · 29/01/2019 03:58

I work FT as does DH. We live abroad with no family close by. Our 3DC are a handful and we have childcare Mon-Friday and add on what we need at the weekends. Yes we don't sleep much and DH is senior so has much more flexibility than I have. My employer is extremely understanding to the point where it's insane how supportive my boss is. He is a genuinely good guy who loves his family and wants others to put their family first.

I think there are 3 types of mothers, those who want to be with their kids and stay home raising them, a second group who are not able to afford option 1 and a third group who found themselves suddenly motivated to have a career. I found myself in the latter group. I can't explain it and just go with it. Much of parenting is about trusting your gut. I also don't judge mothers who fall into the other two groups, although when I have meet mothers professionally who fall into group 2 I try my best to support them because it must be tough to be in that position (it's empathy not judgment).

When your child arrives you will just know which group you fall into.

Sashkin · 29/01/2019 04:02

I went back 3 days a week when DS was 11mo, then switched jobs (not through choice, contract ended) and had to go full time when he was 16mo.

It’s far worse. DS spends 50 hours a week in daycare and it is rubbish for him. He misses me, I miss him, and at weekends and in the evenings he is glued to me in a way that he just isn’t when I have a week off. I’m looking for another part-time job next, I think having an extra couple of days at home with him makes a massive difference.

I love my job, and while I would have loved to have been a SAHM for 2-3 years that just isn’t realistic with my career (HCP, I would lose my licence to practice so lose my entire career if I left the workforce for that length of time, and there is no real way back in). It isn’t ideal, but I have another 30 years before retirement so 1-2 years of sub-par working conditions are worth it for the long-term gain. Obviously if I thought DS was being actually damaged, rather than being a bit pissed off, I would feel differently.

DH sees no problem with long hours in nursery - he loves him but doesn’t feel the same need to be with him that I do. Even on weekends I am the one who does things with DS, DH goes out for the day and leaves us to it. And then wonders why DS is mummy-focused.

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