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Original poster

Be brutally honest - what would you do?

65 replies

kayjayel · 30/06/2007 20:48

Ive got friends coming round for dinner, bringing their son (2.4). The aim is to get him and my ds to sleep so we can have dinner together. Theyre bringing travel cot. My worry is this - they tend to just leave him to settle himself, irrespective of changes in environment. So they re planning to just put him in new place, in cot and leave him to go to sleep.

My worry is this - this happened about a year ago and he was left to cry to sleep in a strange room (lasted about 20 mins, think cos its a regular thing). Im quite uncomfortable with this, and though they call it CC, Ive not felt they adapt it to his mood/environment/health. BUT - is it none of my business? Ive done really well at slapping myself and trying not to judge their parenting choices - hes a lovely boy and I don't know everything. And he could quite easily just snuggle down and go to sleep. Its just what do I do if they put him upstairs and I have to hear a child cry for comfort and shout his confusion whilst parents drink downstairs?

So what would you do? Am I being oversensitive or overcritical?

(for some weird reason my apostrophes turned into numbers so have left them out - I am usually literate!)

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FlamingTomatoes · 01/07/2007 14:56

You do not have the experience because that child is not your child. I meant you should trust that they have more experience with their own child than you do.

SofiaAmes · 01/07/2007 15:25

kayjayel, sounds like maybe if might be worth it for you to consider their methods since it seems to be working much better for them than your method works for you (you said your ds is a nightmare at bedtime, so much so that you can't take him anywhere). I think different methods work for different children and certainly at 2.4 years old a child is old enough to be left to put themselves to sleep. Presumably the parents knwo the difference between the crying or fussing of a child trying it on and a child who has something truly wrong with them.

flack · 01/07/2007 15:35

Brutal honesty: I wouldn't invite them around for dinner in the first place. Because it would upset me too much to listen to their child left to cry. I just couldn't take it.

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FluffyMummy123 · 01/07/2007 15:37

Message withdrawn

PenelopePitstops · 01/07/2007 15:45

lucyellensmum i think you are trying to project your experience on someone else. For parents of some 2 year olds them crying at night is part of their routine. If the child does this at home aswell hes not really going to be that upset, probably just bored/ knoews its bed time/crying fo attention because he doesnt want to be left alone.

It might not be cc as people know it, but the parents are obviously un fazed by it so theres no roblem.

UnConfident · 01/07/2007 21:36

My little boy [2.6] climbs out of bed lots before her finally lays down & goes to sleep.

Take tonight for example, he got up, took his nappy off & wee'd in the potty. Went back to bed, got up again to tell his dad to "Turn the tv down a wee bit" , went back to bed. Got up again 'cos he couldn't find Thomas... I found it, back to bed he went... I looked in his door about 20minutes later & he was sound asleep, with Thomas under one arm & a mini cooper under the other, flat out on his back snoring his head off

At that age they are perfectly capable of getting themselves off to sleep

My almost 6 yr old however, is still wandering about the house now

FrannyandZooey · 01/07/2007 21:42

I think it certainly is your business if they are leaving their child to cry for 20 mins without attending to him, in your house

DaddyJ · 01/07/2007 23:17

kayjayel, so how did you get on?

Hope you managed to have a great time with your friends tonight -
despite the gulf in parenting styles!

ellenjames · 01/07/2007 23:29

Haven't read other replies but i would have to say its their kid so its up to them how they settle him, if it is distressing 4 ur kids then say so, ur not being offensive! I had prob last nite in that we stayrd out with our 2 kids who i spent ages trying to settle as they are used to no noise yet friends kids usedto it in the end i went down and asked people to keep noise down but not in a nagging way, i hope!

jennifersofia · 01/07/2007 23:43

I think you should leave it up to them.
(though can understand why this would make you uncomfortable)

Original poster

kayjayel · 02/07/2007 09:55

It was a bit of a saga!

It was as predicted initially - he went into travel cot in strange room and was highly distressed for 20-30mins. But they didn't just leave him, they were very considerate of how this ws disrupting my DS - who was trying to sleep and was getting worried about the crying (to me sounded like real distress). So they went up after about 15 mins, then by 30 mins it was clear he wasn't settling. Despite this not being something I liked hearing (and had to keep explaining to my DS who was confused) - I did mind my own business until the mum came up and asked what we should do.

In the end I suggested we try the two in same room - we shut them in -mine in cot, theirs had the big bed - and listened on the monitor. They were hilarious! Both jumping in bed/cot, and when one got upset the other asked them what was wrong and made them laugh, they just laughed their head off. But didn't exactly go to sleep. Then my DS suddenly got really upset and wanted me (he goes to sleep with me in sight usually), so I went up and tried for about 15 mins to get them to sleep in various combinations of me, DS and their boy in cot, bed etc. Mine was trying to sleep, but their DS just looked confused a lot, and when he started asking for his parents I asked them to come up and settle him. This time he was much more tired and went off quickly in the other room.

I'm actually a bit more reassured about his crying to sleep, as they were so confused by him not settling that it mustn't be a usual thing. Although I was still surprised that they hadn't predicted the change of scene would confuse him.

So I did mind my own business until it was disrupting my boy then we muddled through, but both the boys had a laugh together and noone fell asleep distressed. So I also interfered, but hopefully it didn't feel like criticism, and we then ended up having a really cosy relaxed evening (both me and the mum fell asleep during film - so much for adult fun!).

OP posts:

DaddyJ · 02/07/2007 17:40

Aww! That's actually quite a sweet story.

Respect to you and your friends for
working out a good compromise.

belgo · 02/07/2007 17:41

glad it all worked out ok in the end!

Jojay · 02/07/2007 17:42

Good for you!! It sounds like you had a good evening, even if it wasn't exactly how you'd planned it........!!

Original poster

kayjayel · 02/07/2007 20:14

thanks! jojay - think my main realisation as a parent is that planning is the downfall of everything where children are concerned! Yes daddyj, it was really sweet - funny I was worrying about it, and yet the sound of them playing together and giggling on the monitor will be one of my favoured treasured moments .

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