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Original poster

Be brutally honest - what would you do?

65 replies

kayjayel · 30/06/2007 20:48

Ive got friends coming round for dinner, bringing their son (2.4). The aim is to get him and my ds to sleep so we can have dinner together. Theyre bringing travel cot. My worry is this - they tend to just leave him to settle himself, irrespective of changes in environment. So they re planning to just put him in new place, in cot and leave him to go to sleep.

My worry is this - this happened about a year ago and he was left to cry to sleep in a strange room (lasted about 20 mins, think cos its a regular thing). Im quite uncomfortable with this, and though they call it CC, Ive not felt they adapt it to his mood/environment/health. BUT - is it none of my business? Ive done really well at slapping myself and trying not to judge their parenting choices - hes a lovely boy and I don't know everything. And he could quite easily just snuggle down and go to sleep. Its just what do I do if they put him upstairs and I have to hear a child cry for comfort and shout his confusion whilst parents drink downstairs?

So what would you do? Am I being oversensitive or overcritical?

(for some weird reason my apostrophes turned into numbers so have left them out - I am usually literate!)

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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moondog · 30/06/2007 20:49

I'd pour myslef a glass of wine,turn the music up and remind myself that it is none of my business.

fryalot · 30/06/2007 20:49

if I were you I would explain to them that a crying child in your house will disturb your children, and that is unfair on your kids.

sallystrawberry · 30/06/2007 20:50

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belgo · 30/06/2007 20:51

Although it is known of your business, I can understand that you would feel uncomfortable trying to have a dinner party with a child upstairs crying because they are in a new place.

Hopefully he will just go to sleep with no problems.

FioFio · 30/06/2007 20:53

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tortoise · 30/06/2007 20:53

I would just do nothing.
If they change how they deal with it then it may make it harder to settle him once back at home.
20mins isn't that long really. And he may have got better since the last time you saw them.

Miaou · 30/06/2007 20:55

kayjayel - to be brutally honest - that's exactly what I would do with my child (leave them to settle themselves). I have done the same with all three of mine (much to friends' horror!) - and from a very young age they have learnt to settle themselves.

As SS says, he may now be at a stage where he settles by himself, being a year older anyway. The only time I would have an issue would be if my child was disturbing the host child - then I would probably give in and try and sort him out. But FWIW I find that if I go and "interfere" I just make it worse and the child takes longer to settle.

policywonk · 30/06/2007 20:57

I wouldn't have invited them over for an evening dinner until I was sure the controlled crying was well and truly over with! I realise that this is of FA use to you now though...

WideWebWitch · 30/06/2007 20:59

None of your business imo. Let them do whatever suits them.

hatrick · 30/06/2007 20:59

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brimfull · 30/06/2007 21:00

I would say nothing tbh

UCM · 30/06/2007 21:01

Let them do what they want as long as it doesn't disturb your children.

Above that, I think it's great that you ahve friends who can be bothered to come at all with such a little one. Lots of parents I know don't go out after dark

Enjoy your evening

LadyVictoriaOfCake · 30/06/2007 21:01

agree with hatricks.

Desiderata · 30/06/2007 21:02

I've every sympathy with your post, Kay. Fingers crossed it turns out OK.

Perhaps you'll let us know?

PeachesMcLean · 30/06/2007 21:03

To be fair, 20 mins crying with no return by parents doesn't sound very controlled to me. If they're going to do CC they should do it properly. However, so long as it doesn't disturb your ds, I don't think there's much you can do. And since the child is a year older, probably settles better anyway.

lucyellensmum · 30/06/2007 21:28

Am i the only person on the planet who thinks that leaving a child to cry itself to sleep is barbaric? I know CC works for some but to be still doing this after a year shows it blatantly isnt working for your friends son. I could never take my child to a strange environment and expect her to settle herself to sleep while i enjoyed myself downstairs, well i simply wouldnt enjoy myself.

It is their child and how they get him to sleep is their business, but it is your house and he may well disturb your children. I would ask them how he is going with the sleeping and if he is still crying himself to sleep i would suggest postponing the dinner party tbh.

whomovedmychocolate · 30/06/2007 21:32

No LucyEllensMum - I'm with you - I hate the idea! I wouldn't invite them again if they have done this previously.

I'd also say 'can you please try and settle him because otherwise he'll wake my child and then I won't enjoy the evening. Or delay the opening of wine etc till all the LOs are asleep. You don't have to be judgemental about this, but in my house, if people with kids come to stay we do our parenting and get them to bed and then we have adult fun.

WriggleJiggle · 30/06/2007 21:41

As others have said, you need to leave them to their own parenting style, whilst unpleasant for you to listen to, unless it is disturbing your child, best to stay out of it.

dd nearly always cries at bed time for between 5 and 10 minutes. She cries whether I am there or not, whether I cuddle and hold her or not. I used to hate listening to it, now I just accept thats how she is. Perhaps your friends child is the same?

lucyellensmum · 30/06/2007 21:43

whomovedmychocolate - adult fun?

meandmyflyingmachine · 30/06/2007 21:43

But are they still doing it after a year? I thought the OP was just remembering what happened last time - a year ago.

UCM · 30/06/2007 21:43

But surely it's up to them.

If they are putting their child upstairs in your house then I assume that they are good friends. In that case, if it's bothering you that much say something like, I can't sit and listen to xxx crying though, would you mind if I went up.

hana · 30/06/2007 21:46

none of your business, nice that they are making the effort, hopefully you'll have a lovely evening

20 minutes isn't a long time for a 2 year old, it really isnt', it's not like it's a newborn baby

whomovedmychocolate · 30/06/2007 21:46

LucyEllensMum - sadly it's usually something like playing scrabble with the drunks!

lucyellensmum · 30/06/2007 21:52

oh, im quite jealous actually, its been ages since ive played scrabble, drunk or sober, can i come to dinner? I might be some time settling DD though

LIZS · 30/06/2007 21:53

wait and see , it may be fine. Not your child so you can't really comment imho.