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Original poster

Social services involved - advice needed please

72 replies

UnicornRider25 · 13/01/2019 21:07

Hello

I would like some advice please.....

My boyfriend was arrested last week after a third party called the police to accuse him of controlling and coercive behaviour against me. These allegations were not true and he was released without charge, and allowed to return to the family home the next day.

During questioning, my boyfriend and I admitted there had been one incident of domestic violence around 6 weeks ago which we both acknowledge was very wrong and should never have happened. Under no circumstance did I accept this incident was OK, and neither did he. He is very ashamed of what happened. We resolved the matter between ourselves very quickly and he has been to the doctor to get some help.

Because he was arrested and we both admitted this incident happened, the social services are now involved after a police referral.

We are both very scared about the possible outcome! I don’t want them to take my two children away or make him leave! The children would be emotionally traumatised if he had to leave, and we would struggle financially.

We are very worried about social services, and would like some advice on how to deal with them.

How do I prove that I would always put my children first?

How do I prove to SS that my children are safe and protected?

Any advice would be appreciated

Thanks

OP posts:
kawla · 13/01/2019 21:09

The only way you could “prove” it is by leaving someone who physicallly abused you. I know you said it happened once, but I really don’t see why it wouldn’t happen again. Flowers to you op.

ScrumptiousBears · 13/01/2019 21:16

My best friend was subject to DV from her DH. He was always very sorry afterwards...... until he did it again and so the cycle begins.

She was always in denial. Even after calling 999 whilst he had his hands round her throat. When the police attended and told her they could remove her, the kids and all her belongings to a safe place that night she told them he didn't mean it and he was sorry.

Offenders are always sorry
Victims are always in denial

tinydancer88 · 13/01/2019 21:18

From the point of view of the assessing social worker, it looks concerning that an allegation has been made and in the process of investigating that an incident of violence has come to light.

Social services do not want to remove children unless it is absolutely necessary (I work for an a separate but associated agency, and often see kids staying with their families way longer than might seem safe) and they don't want to break up families, but they will need to see that you both understand the severity of the situation in terms of potential risk, and that you both put the children first and foremost. Try to be honest and calm (which of course is much easier said than done in such emotional circumstances), and be seen to be co-operative.

Has anybody from social care contacted you yet?

cestlavielife · 13/01/2019 21:19

Your children will be traumatised by domestic violence .

noSh1tSherlock · 13/01/2019 21:23

How old are your children?

Babymamamama · 13/01/2019 21:27

It is important for you not to minimise what happened and to recognise the great likelihood that it may/will happen again, and that you are willing to prioritise the needs of your children over those of your relationship/partner. Financial wellbeing is neither here nor there when you are in physical danger. I assume you were the victim but this isn't altogether clear from your post.

tinydancer88 · 13/01/2019 21:27

Is your boyfriend their Dad? I assumed not because you say 'my children' but could just be a turn of phrase.

Smurfy23 · 13/01/2019 21:31

Didn't you post about this the other day....?

HettieBettie · 13/01/2019 21:31

Unless he has priors or something very horrible has happened he won’t be made to leave.

noSh1tSherlock · 13/01/2019 21:37

Your dp needs to show that he is seeking professional help and engage well with ss. They will need to see what is being done to prevent this from happening again. You need to demonstrate that you can prioritise your children's needs over yours and your dp.

Fabaunt · 13/01/2019 21:37

You posted this and ignored the responses because they weren’t what you wanted to hear

Yellowbrickhouse · 13/01/2019 21:39

This was me two years ago. If you think your children aren't traumatised already, you're so very wrong.

So glad I saw the light, and gave up giving him excuse after excuse for his behaviour, my life is so much better now.

Thank god I finally had the nerve to leave the prick.

Nicelunch25 · 13/01/2019 21:41

Get away from him. There's no other sane course of action.

BastardGoDarkly · 13/01/2019 21:44

Chances are, they won't believe the allegations about him being controlling and emotionally abusive, are made up, in light of the DV admission.

How bad was it op? What were the circumstances? We're the children in the house?

LovingLola · 13/01/2019 21:46

So your daughter witnessed your partner trying to smother you with the duvet ???
Are you not worried about her ????

Nothisispatrick · 13/01/2019 21:49

You need to work with social services. They are there to help.

LovingLola · 13/01/2019 21:50

And do you really believe that the accusations his ex made against him are false? Do you not think that she was doing her utmost to warn you about him ??

MrsJDornan · 13/01/2019 21:50

You need to let social services do their job, doesn't mean they will come swooping in and take your children but they will need to make sure they are safe, work with them not against them

Original poster
UnicornRider25 · 13/01/2019 21:52

Thanks for all your help. Yes both of my children were in the house at the time of the incident, in bed asleep. One is 12 and one is 2. He is not their father but has brought up my youngest from a baby. The incident in question was bad as are all incidents of violence but I was not physically hurt just more alarmed. The allegations made to the police were by a (bitter) third party but I understand that the social services will want to discuss this too. Of course more than anything in the world I want my children to be safe and happy and I also want us to find a way to be a family together - can anyone tell me if this is possible? Thank you for all your help.

OP posts:
WrongKindOfFace · 13/01/2019 21:53

Have you posted this previously? He tried to smother you? What if your daughter hadn’t disturbed him? You could be dead.

You prove to ss that you put your children first by asking him to leave.

Alaria44 · 13/01/2019 21:54

Work with SS.

Original poster
UnicornRider25 · 13/01/2019 21:54

My daughter did not witness this - she heard us from the landing - and yes it goes without saying that I’ve been worried about her and I’ve sloken at great length to her about this.

OP posts:
MrsJDornan · 13/01/2019 21:58

If that is you in the link above which it seems to be then I think his ex has possibly done your children a favour by getting social services involved, you need to put your children first they shouldn't be around this

looktothewesternsky · 13/01/2019 22:00

"Bitter third party". The fact that you're minimising this so much is pretty terrifying, OP. If you don't leave this man, he will continue to hurt you and probably your children. That's as stark as I can say it. By staying you are putting your children and yourself at risk.