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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Social services involved - advice needed please

72 replies

UnicornRider25 · 13/01/2019 21:07

Hello

I would like some advice please.....

My boyfriend was arrested last week after a third party called the police to accuse him of controlling and coercive behaviour against me. These allegations were not true and he was released without charge, and allowed to return to the family home the next day.

During questioning, my boyfriend and I admitted there had been one incident of domestic violence around 6 weeks ago which we both acknowledge was very wrong and should never have happened. Under no circumstance did I accept this incident was OK, and neither did he. He is very ashamed of what happened. We resolved the matter between ourselves very quickly and he has been to the doctor to get some help.

Because he was arrested and we both admitted this incident happened, the social services are now involved after a police referral.

We are both very scared about the possible outcome! I don’t want them to take my two children away or make him leave! The children would be emotionally traumatised if he had to leave, and we would struggle financially.

We are very worried about social services, and would like some advice on how to deal with them.

How do I prove that I would always put my children first?

How do I prove to SS that my children are safe and protected?

Any advice would be appreciated

Thanks

OP posts:

honeybee89 · 13/01/2019 23:26

If a man can hit what else can he do.i would say u will have to prove to sw that there going to be no more dv at the end off the day it kids came first.on the social work bit i would say do everything they ask u to do take it from someone who knew with social work and I got rid of sw in about 2 in a bit month but do remember you don't need a man to be happy

YogaWannabe · 13/01/2019 23:32

Put your children first for Jesus sake. It could be your 12 year old next.

ShesABelter · 13/01/2019 23:34

This relationship is highly toxic and you should be ending it for the sake of your children if you really want to put them first.

Stop minimising and stop telling yourself it's vest for the kids if he stays as they would be traumatised that's nonsense. Especially in the 12 year olds case who heard all this.

Some relationships dont work and this one clearly doesn't.

Self harm after an argument, domestic abuse, inappropriately messaging other people. This is not a healthy relationship. Open your eyes for yours and your children's sake.

RosieRuby · 13/01/2019 23:36

You need to work with Social Services and be honest with them, even if you are worried about the outcome. They are looking out for you and your children's best interests and safety. If your relationship was right for you you wouldn't be looking for reassurance from others nor would you need to justify the situation. Social Services can assess the situation for you and help guide you to making the right decisions for you and your family.

Omzlas · 13/01/2019 23:42

The only way to protect your children is to get this man out of your life.

Work with SS to help your children because they're already affected, probably more than you realise

MrsPworkingmummy · 13/01/2019 23:44

Your relationship sounds horrendous if I'm being totally honest. If you believe a 12 year old isn't already traumatised by the incident, then you are incredibly naive. She is at such an impression age - if you've been justifying his behaviour when discussing the incident with her, you will have really limited her expectations of how she should be treated in a relationship in future. From my experience as a teacher, SS will probably suggest he moves out. If he doesn't, you are NOT putting the kids first and would then risk them being placed with temporary Foster carers. You obviously haven't been seeing each other very long. This should be your honeymoon phase for God's sake! Set yourself better standards. You deserve more. Relationships should not be like that.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 13/01/2019 23:48

Bollocks there isn't co ercive control

MrsBobDylan · 13/01/2019 23:57

You've been together 5 minutes, he isn't your kids dad, he's tried to smother you, your poor children are having live in this environment, his ex is trying to warn you what he's like and you still think you are protecting your children?

If you are able to, try to imagine what it's like to be 12 year old girl going to school trying to process the 'scuffle' she heard where her mum's partner could have killed her? That will stay with her forever and mean she will be hyper vigilant for threat and danger and will most likely go in to live her life in a state of constant anxiety.

I didn't surmise that from a text book, I lived it.

LovingLola · 14/01/2019 00:02

I hope that SS will step in and protect your children because I don’t think you will..

FlyingMonkeys · 14/01/2019 00:08

I'm curious why you and your children are also financially dependant on this man when you've been together 18mths? Is that through his choice or yours, or did it just seem to happen? I suspect that's another form of control he's put in place for you. Wake up...

notapizzaeater · 14/01/2019 00:09

Why are you so determined to play happy fa,i lies when it's not ?

Celebelly · 14/01/2019 00:18

This is toxic. You've only been together 18 months and he's tried to smother you with a duvet with your kids in the house, self-harmed, again with your kids in the house, there have been problems with impotence, his ex, someone you were messaging.... This is all within 18 months.

This is a chaotic home environment. Please, please put your children first here. They will not be emotionally traumatised if he leaves. I'm almost certain they will be if he stays.

OdeToDiazepam · 14/01/2019 00:25

Jesus Christ

Put your children first and leave this abusive dangerous man

Cantthinkofabloodyname · 14/01/2019 00:42

I have no experience in the DA side of things, thankfully. I do have experience with SS being called in though. My best advice is to be very open and honest with SS, as they have your DC's welfare as their priority.

Tolleshunt · 14/01/2019 00:51

Why are you so desperately trying to 'keep a family together' with a man who is the father of neither of your children, has only been in your lives for a very short time, and is dangerously violent? How can you not see that it would be much better for your children for him to be out of your lives?

Wake up.

Fabaunt · 14/01/2019 01:36

I’d be willing to bet the ex has nothing to be bitter about either. He doesn’t exactly sound like catch of the century

BlueEyedBengal · 14/01/2019 01:58

He's going to end up killing you and what about your kids, is he going to turn on them? Protect your kids above all others. They are looking to you to set an example please teach them that this is not ok and get him out of your lives.

C0untDucku1a · 14/01/2019 07:19

Where is your children’s actual father?

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2019 08:39

These guys always say th same thing

They love you
They hate what they have done to you
They hate themselves for doing it
They will never do it again
They will seek help to make sure of it
They are devastated by what they have done
Blah blah blah

And then they do it again. And they say it all again, and then they do it again, but they make it your fault, they cry and plead, then they just keep doing it and it escalates , and the ex is likely reporting because she also went through it. You know this.

You as an adult can chose to live your life waiting for the next assault, until you're a shell of a human, but you can't force your children to live in your house and hear it, see it, witness it. One day he will likely kill you or leave you brain damaged. And they can't be in your home when it happens.

So as much as you love him, you think he will change, he won't. And you need to end it. For all your sakes.

BastardGoDarkly · 14/01/2019 10:20

And as the other thread, you leave when no one strokes your hair, and says... It's gonna be fine hun.

Original poster

UnicornRider25 · 14/01/2019 10:30

I’m sorry I’ve not replied sooner, I haven’t left I’ve been reading all of the replies this morning but I’m also building Lego with my littlest. I’ve also been on several of the websites recommended which I’ve found really helpful and all I can do is thank you all for your advise at this stage - there is a lot of advise and help available which I’m fully engaged with so please bear with me whilst I take all this on board. Thanks again everyone

OP posts:

MrsJDornan · 28/01/2019 17:29

How are you op

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