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Parenting

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Original poster

Social services involved - advice needed please

72 replies

UnicornRider25 · 13/01/2019 21:07

Hello

I would like some advice please.....

My boyfriend was arrested last week after a third party called the police to accuse him of controlling and coercive behaviour against me. These allegations were not true and he was released without charge, and allowed to return to the family home the next day.

During questioning, my boyfriend and I admitted there had been one incident of domestic violence around 6 weeks ago which we both acknowledge was very wrong and should never have happened. Under no circumstance did I accept this incident was OK, and neither did he. He is very ashamed of what happened. We resolved the matter between ourselves very quickly and he has been to the doctor to get some help.

Because he was arrested and we both admitted this incident happened, the social services are now involved after a police referral.

We are both very scared about the possible outcome! I don’t want them to take my two children away or make him leave! The children would be emotionally traumatised if he had to leave, and we would struggle financially.

We are very worried about social services, and would like some advice on how to deal with them.

How do I prove that I would always put my children first?

How do I prove to SS that my children are safe and protected?

Any advice would be appreciated

Thanks

OP posts:

Diva1985 · 13/01/2019 22:04

Your eldest daughter is 12 and she heard this? Set a bloody example and leave him! He will never change. I have been in a violent relationship and believe me it will escalate.

You need to show your children that this behaviour is totally unacceptable.

tinydancer88 · 13/01/2019 22:05

I think you need to consider why the 'bitter' ex might be making these allegations.

The incident you describe is very serious. Heavy drinking, self harm, locking the other adult out of the house then letting them back in, and then after everything is apparently sorted out, he basically tries to smother you?! A 12 year old is not going to forget about all of that any time soon. He isn't their father, and if your youngest is 2 and you've been together since they were a baby, that's about 18 months maybe? Is that really enough to be sure this is so out of character it would never, ever happen again?

tinydancer88 · 13/01/2019 22:06

I think you need to be prepared for the possibility that social services will suggest he moves out and you have some time apart.

Frequency · 13/01/2019 22:09

It is entirely possible his ex knows something you don't. Like he also accidentally throttled her after drinking a bottle of spirits once and then twice.

Have you considered she might be acting in your best interests?

Adversecamber22 · 13/01/2019 22:10

Stop minimising what he did, some women do have their dc removed if they do not leave their violent partners.

By bitter third party I’m wondering if it’s his ex, you are not denying he did these things.

TokyoSushi · 13/01/2019 22:13

OP you really, really need to leave. He will not change. It will get worse.

TokyoSushi · 13/01/2019 22:13

**He needs to be the one leaving.

CatWithKittens · 13/01/2019 22:15

Get very good legal advice which is likely to be a lot more impartial and better informed than much of the advice you will receive on the Net - even from Mumsnet.

Starlight456 · 13/01/2019 22:15

I read what we need to do. I suggest you look at the freedom program because I can guarantee this isn’t an isolated incident from no where even if he hasn’t been physically abusive to you.

Fuckwheresitgone · 13/01/2019 22:16

I commented on your last post, what would happen to your children if he killed you, or left you with anoxic brain damage (much more likely given he smothered you with a duvet). This is not okay, this is not a good relationship op. You need to leave for both your own safety and the safety of your children. If you post in relationships I'm sure you will get support and advice.

In regards to social services, they're only remit is to keep your children safe, therefore you will have to follow through with their advice.

gamerchick · 13/01/2019 22:16

How do I prove that I would always put my children first?

But you aren't putting them first. It's good they are involved.

Your relationship doesn't work OP.

Isleepinahedgefund · 13/01/2019 22:20

This is so sad. You're not going to listen to any advice.

No one here is going to help you convince SS everything is fine and the children are safe when it's so obvious from your post that it's not and they aren't.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 22:21

The children would be emotionally traumatised if he had to leave

Not as traumatised as listening to you arguing, having him locked out, his drinking, his self harming and then listening to him trying to smother their mother.

And that's not the first incident is it, it's just the one you confessed to.

If you wish to put your children first then do so and end it with that man. For good.

Fuckwheresitgone · 13/01/2019 22:21

Oh ffs on phone and not got glasses on, sorry about lack of question marks and their not they're,

NotANotMan · 13/01/2019 22:23

Stop being in denial about his abuse for a start, and get rid of him.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 22:24

And rhe ex is reporting him because she knows doesn't she? Did he do it to her too?

Doyoumind · 13/01/2019 22:25

OP please listen to the advice here. I hope you realise the self harm here is a kind of manipulation and not designed to cause him real harm. I'm sure his ex knows exactly what he is like. This kind of denial is extremely dangerous. It will either and up with you harmed or your children removed.

BastardGoDarkly · 13/01/2019 22:26

Heads up OP. The ex is not bitter, she's worried.

greendale17 · 13/01/2019 22:28

The ex reported him most likely because he did the same to her.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 22:30

And let's be honest, she wasn't wrong was she, the incident you both "confessed to" proves it. She knows, she is right and she's trying to protect your children from what you've brought into their lives.

Fuckwheresitgone · 13/01/2019 22:41

Of course more than anything in the world I want my children to be safe and happy and I also want us to find a way to be a family together - can anyone tell me if this is possible? No it's not possible. Sorry if it seems harsh op, but you need to keep yourself and your children safe, and you can't do that with him. You mentioned on the previous thread needing his financial support, are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled too? Who's name is on the tenancy/mortgage? You need proper legal and financial advice. Is he likely to get angry/ violent if you leave/ you ask him to leave? Have you got someone in RL you can talk to/ confide in?

cestlavielife · 13/01/2019 22:41

He isn't the dc father
Your dc won't be traumatised by him leaving if you are Able to focus on the dc and not on your relationship with some on unstable
You are being naive
Separate from him and focus 0n your dc

Whatisthisworldcomingtoo · 13/01/2019 22:46

You can start by actually putting your children first. This will escalate. Take off your rose tinted classes and see this for what it is. Your poor daughter having to hear that, she will be traumatised. At such an impressionable age please be the role model she deserves. Would you want her to think this toxic relationship is normal, what she should accept in life? Call women's aid for advice.

None of what you described is normal. Save your children from this trauma!!! Leave this man!

WillowB · 13/01/2019 23:00

If you allow this man to continue to live in your home and have a relationship with your children there is a good chance that this will lead to them being taken into care.
I'm a teacher & SS have begun care proceedings for a child in my class to be taken into care. He lives in a home with DV, multiple police call outs etc. His mother has continually put her violent partner before her children and is in complete denial that they will be removed. It will happen.
You MUST wake up and put your children first or this will happen to you

Walnutwhipster · 13/01/2019 23:15

Please speak to women's aid. Just speak through a true account and listen to their opinion. You aren't seeing things rationally.

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