I hate my DS

[IGiveGiveGiveUp]

He's 12. I realise I'm actually starting to hate him. Its long and complicated and I haven't got the energy to type it all out. We've had support for a few years, been on parenting courses, have family support, he's had childrens mental health assessment, blah blah blah. None of it changes the fact that he' a horrible little shit (and no I don't say that to him) . I've decided today I'm just going to give up trying with him anymore, 12 years of loving, caring parenting (by me and DP) has got us nowhere. So I've decided he can f*ck off today. Roll on his 18th birthday so I can get rid of him.

It's very hard to like somebody who is horrible to you and makes your everyday life intolerable. Maybe it would be helpful if you accepted that liking him isn't something you can control, so it isn't something you should be carrying guilt for. You can love someone and dislike them at the same time, if they are your precious child but they treat you like dirt.

Ignore the odd sanctimonious poster. Many parents of younger/less challenging parents don't get it. I didn't, until my ds hit hormones and all hell broke loose. There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling, it's a normal and human reaction to the way he's behaving. You are a person too.

Do you think he needs a more robust mental health assessment? Did you feel fobbed off the last time? Don't be afraid to keep going to the doctor/talking to the school and making a nuisance of yourself if necessary, services are stretched and you have to be the squeaky wheel, unfortunately.

You sound at your wits end

My 12 year old ds is very hard wor so I totally sympathise.

Have you got other dc, OP? And if so, hopefully they're turning out better than this DS?

This makes me cringe.

I understand that a parent can hate what their DS or DD does. You can hate what they say. You can hate how they think.

But I refuse to accept that a loving, sane parent can hate their child as a person.

Doesn't that make you sad, OP? That you feel like this? God forbid anything dreadful happened to him - how would you feel?! Because as much as you're looking forward to him moving out, I'm sure you'd be distraught if he left this world early for example. And if, and I hope it is, this is true - then you don't "hate" him.

Good for you that you've taken steps to repair your relationship already, and all I can do is encourage you to keep going. Many others on here have stated how hard teenage years are, and damn when I was a teenager I remember my mum in tears (most horrible experience looking back) and my dad throwing things around my room and yelling in my face due to how I had acted. (These are extremely rare examples but they happened)

You need to keep taking a step back from the situation in hand, no matter how bad he seems to be acting, and look at the bigger picture. Which is that he is your son. He's that baby you first held, and he's probably having some horrible thoughts/feelings himself, and no matter what either of you think - he needs you.

Deep breath. Bigger picture. Keep going. Each days a new day. I know it sounds soft and pathetic - but it's really true. Best of luck with your relationship with him, I sincerely hope it improves.

It's hard work. I have a slightly older son who is just relentless in his disdain for me, it's exhausting.

Come and have a look on the Teenager board, lots of support on there.

Surely MN is the right place to put these feelings, which are much more common than you think? I would have thought that was one of MN's most important functions. OP needs to say the unsayable and get the pain and rage out of her system so she doesn't inflict it on her DS. And hopefully get some support and advice from others who've struggled with similar feelings in the face of horrific, hurtful behaviour from adolescents who can be incredibly cruel and exhausting. What a fucking shame if we can't have that space, because a few posters feel the need to showcase their own virtue and stick the knife in

What an utterly preposterous comparison.

Have you tried this stuff - www.livesinthebalance.org/

There is always, always, always a reason behind behaviour. Please don’t give up on him. Give yourself a break, get some time out yes absolutely - but please don’t give up on your child.

Sirmione I imagine the OP is very very sad , frustrated, angry etc. That's why she's posting , because she's in need of an outlet, some support, some sympathy. Your post is far from helpful, in fact I think it's idiotic.

OP, no matter how difficult it is, I'm sure you do love him. I definitely think it's possible to both love and hate a person. Would it be possible to specify why you seem to hate him, you'd get more useful advice.
it's better to recognise this than to simply harbor resentful feeling.

Ouch, ur poor Ds, I'm sure he can be a shit bag, I have a 9 yo Ds and he can be challenging at times but I don't think I would/could ever feel that way about my own child..
I really hope what u have said is out of frustration and you can work together and move on..

Two things..

An outlet to let it all out,the anger,the frustration the powerlessness etc is a good thing. It might not be palatable to some posters,but pretending those feelings don't exist for their sake is daft and very selfish of them to demand that. It's better than it seeping out with words and actions in day to day life. Sometimes all you can do is scream and rant and rage.

Second,where do you think people that do horrible things as adults come from? Angelic,sweet as pie children that suddenly flip a switch when they reach adulthood? If the situation is really dire , OP could be abused physically and emotionally daily by her own son. Of course she won't like him. Of course she will hate the situation.
What stands out to me is that despite her words she hasn't given up yet,if she had she wouldn't have posted ,she'd just do it. Shaming and guilt tripping her won't make the situation any better or suddenly fix something that despite all the things they tried ,the support,interventions and professionals involved is still as bad as always ,if not worse.

@IGiveGiveGiveUp is there a diagnosis or reason given for your child's behaviour?

What does his father think?

Are there any support groups through Camhs? Ours does one.

It is challenging.

I recommend taking time out and regrouping. Reading you are going through Camhs . This isn’t normal parenting? How is he doing in school?

Do you get any breaks?

Are you ok, OP?

We’re listening

Op your being honest and some people won't like it. I think your very brave. Kids are hard at the best of times. I hope things get better for you and your family

@Marcipex my post was sympathetic and understanding. I don't see how it was anything else.

OP is obviously angry and caught up in the moment, and I think she needs to take a step back from it all before claiming she hates her child. I personally feel that's a step too far and probably something she regrets saying and would never say to him. It's not a nice thing to think, and once thoughts like that start creeping in it only get worse.

She's asked for advice/help here and that's my opinion and thoughts on the situation. Everyone parents differently, everyone has different opinions. And that's mine. No need to criticise me. I've not been mean/harsh/horrible/troll...

Sympathies, it's hard.
I have no advice, even though I have had tough times with my eldest dd.
We are mostly through the other side but therr was many a time I just had to walk away and leave my dh to take the flak.
Even an afternoon alone was enough to galvanise myself and get back in there.
My dh was an absolute rock, as I was for him when he needed time out.
Only thing we have ever argued about is the children.
It's not easy

Posters who can't imagine feeling this way are luckier than they know!

Op I've been where you are. My eldest is 18 and there was a time when I burst into tears saying I dreaded the phone call to pick him up from school as I just didn't want to be around him. I've always loved my son dearly but his behaviour not so much.

He has autism and the 8-12 stage was hell for us. It broke my heart to feel that way about my own son.

I want to reassure you that this stage will pass. Stay loving and consistent, keep solid boundaries in place and know that it will not be like this forever. You have my sympathies because I know what you are going through

I have felt like this sometimes about my very difficult 14 year old DD.
Sometimes I have had to go out to sleep in a hotel just to get away from the horridness.
There are weeks when it feels relentless. Then there is respite and I live her to bits. If you speak to me in the weeks when it's hard I will probably use the word "hate" too.
There are days when it's so bad I have contemplated suicide mainly because there is no one to talk to about it. Most of the mums I k ow in real life have you get kids and are sanctimonious like some posters on here. I have another teenage daughter who has had the same upbringing and is nowhere as difficult.

It's hard. Hang in there. It will pass and you do love him it's just hard to access that feeling when they are being so bratty

Oh OP
I have a sibling who is a nightmare. She is mid 40s
Always a nightmare
We all had the same parenting and I can asure you she is not or behaves like the rest.
She bullied me hard when I was a child. And she is a complete narcissist.
It is not parenting jn some cases
Sorry to hear
I think you are brave

Just a further thought, ds was considered a problem child by everyone. I've had all the disdain and judgement you can imagine. The people who only know my younger children have a totally different view of me! I'm the same parent to all 4 but my eldest makes me a bad parent and my youngest an amazing one?! In truth I'm just an average person like everyone else and the behaviour of our children doesn't always reflect who we are as parents.
Parents of well behaved children think they have all their answers but often they have just had neurotypical children.