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Original poster

My mother-in-law gave my 12 yo daughter some wine

94 replies

Swisscheese14 · 15/12/2018 19:16

Hey ! I am having a huge issue with my hubby because of what his mother did. Do you think I am overreacting or I am right to be pissed off ?

My 12yo daughter stayed with her grandparents on Wednesday, when I came to pick her up , her face was all red , she could barely walk and she was smelling of booze. My mil told me she gave her some wine to try, and she loved it so she had 3 glasses !!!!

I was so so angry I just walked out and brought my baby home. I waited for her dad to come and told him how furious I was. But he said to me that it's not a big deal and he started drinking at this age too. I am so mad. Am I overreacting ?

OP posts:
IggyAce · 15/12/2018 19:48

My dd is 12 and we will let her have a small glass with her Xmas lunch (probably with a splash of lemonade) but if a grandparent or anyone had given her 3 glasses I would be livid. I don’t think I would allow unsupervised visits for a while.

MrsGrindah · 15/12/2018 19:51

I’m not minimising it...it was totally wrong.. but if it puts your mind to rest same thing happened to me aged 6/7 with sherry.........I was as sick as a dog but fine and have avoided The Prioiry so far

SingingSands · 15/12/2018 19:51

They sound like they are pushing it on your DD. Have they done this before do you know?

As for having to learn about it, not all teenagers turn into pissheads.

She's only 12, it's ridiculous.

Im fuming on your behalf!

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SummerGems · 15/12/2018 19:52

Three glasses isn’t “wine to try” it’s an average night out for a lot of adults.

I was annoyed when a family member offered my fifteen year old and his cousins beer as standard to drink without running it by me first. The kids all said no but me and other family members were distinctly unhappy about it.

If someone had offered to let them try some alcohol i.e.a sip out of theirs or similar that would be one thing, but to allow a twelve year old to drink as standard is grossly irresponsible.

Hopefully however your DD has now learned from the experience that alcohol isn’t actually that enjoyable and won’t seek to want it from her granny in future so on some levels this could be a win-win.

I probably wouldn’t ban the MIL from seeing her given her age, but I would be making it very clear that A, the MIL is not to offer the child alcohol,and actually that B, if the twelve year old accepted and drank alcohol at her granny’s at that age I’d be coming down hard on her as well. The first time would be understandable as she was unaware of the impact, subsequent times however at twelve she is old enough to say no and if she didn’t I’d be holding her partly responsible as well...

DartmoorDoughnut · 15/12/2018 19:53

Fucking hell! Tell your ‘D’H you’ll let the police decide if they can see her again and see if that shuts him up?!

Snowwontbelong · 15/12/2018 19:53

Guidelines say actually more likely to abuse alcohol if introduced at a young age.
And brain damage.
*recent radio ads say this!!
Nc all the way op.

mineofuselessinformation · 15/12/2018 19:55

'Starting drinking' is a sip or two - not three full glasses.

ToastyFingers · 15/12/2018 19:56

Three glasses? Jesus! I'd be wobbly after 3!

My mum did similar to me at that age, I felt absolutely foul and still remember it now. Your poor daughter.

InfiniteCurve · 15/12/2018 19:56

A 12 year old shouldn't be "drinking" alcohol - having a small taster,yes,and I think I was allowed that by 12 - we'd have a small glass of sherry or ginger wine before Sunday dinner when I was growing up ( DSis doesn't drink,I drink the occasional glass only now!)
If your DH says he was drinking that implies using "drinking" as you would as an adult and that's wrong.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 15/12/2018 19:59

In line with everyone else, this is way out of order and if this wasn't a relative, I'd be calling the police.

A tiny glass on special occasions yes but 3 glasses!!! She wouldn't be looking after DD alone again.

gonzo77 · 15/12/2018 20:02

Three glasses is practically a full bottle maybe I have big glasses

My two only ever had half a glass with lemonade until they were much older.

swashbuckles · 15/12/2018 20:03

a small glass with lemonade no big deal but three glasses might be almost a bottle! I would be drunk on that! Bang out of order behaviour from MIL :(

Omgineedanamechange · 16/12/2018 08:05

Jesus fuck, three glasses is ridiculous.

Hohocabbage · 16/12/2018 08:14

The “better than in the park” argument might work if she was 14, but at 12?!!
My 11 year old is interested in trying beer. Really uncertain about whether to let him have a tiny glass on Christmas Day or whether it’s a bad plan. He would absolutely not be having three glasses, and that’s half as strong as wine. Yanbu

blackcat86 · 16/12/2018 08:28

3 glasses! Does your MIL have an issue with alcohol? I'd be pissed after that with a cracking hangover the next day. I had 3 glasses of wine at my wedding and crawled out of bed at 16:30 the next day, hair tangled and dress crumpled on the floor. That's not a good amount for a 12yr old. A little bit with lemonade absolutely but if they're attitude is disgusting and it sounds like she was visibly very drunk (understanding so).

DeepanKrispanEven · 16/12/2018 08:36

Both your DH and his mother are dickheads. If your husband can't see that there's a difference between having a sip or two of wine in a safe environment and giving a child so much that she gets drunk and vomits, he must be pretty stupid.

Karwomannghia · 16/12/2018 08:37

That is awful and really confusing for your dd to have a trusted adult behave so irresponsibly. Maybe also talk to your dd about not feeling pressured into something again and being strong enough to say no even to grandparents and know to contact you. She probably feels horrendous and will never drink wine again anyway!
I wouldn’t let my dd alone with them again.

PeterAndJayne · 16/12/2018 08:38

That's a terrible breach of trust and the fact she doesn't see the problem would mean no unsupervised contact. Your DH needs to get a grip as well. I can't believe so many of you think it's OK to give a 12 year old even a little alcohol. It wouldn't occur to me to give my 12 year old alcohol.

Pythonesque · 16/12/2018 09:02

We've offered ours a taste on special occasions from about 12. Wouldn't have followed that up with more than a quarter or just possibly a half small glass, if liked. (oh, and it is relevant that my children are tall for their age) I do think that learning occasional safe drinking at home is a good approach with teenagers (mine are 13 and 16), but what has just been modelled is totally unsafe.

Your husband's failure to appreciate the problem is a worry - you can severely limit contact with grandparents but you will need to establish a clear plan for what will or won't be offered and permitted at home, and ensure your husband is on board with it! Hopefully others more knowledgeable than I might be able to signpost some resources and references that might help you with this.

Beaverhausen · 16/12/2018 09:05

I would tell him to buck up his ideas or he can go and live with his mother.

I would have lost my shit there and then with her and probably ended up in police custody.

MsTSwift · 16/12/2018 09:08

I am at the relaxed end of the scale and I would be horrified what was she thinking! How dare she that is outrageous and illegaL

Roomba · 16/12/2018 09:12

I was about to say YABU, a small taste won't do any harm at 12. My 13 has tried very small amounts of various drinks out of curiosity and hated all of them. But getting her drunk like this is absolutely ridiculous - YANBU!

Just remembered my grandma used to buy me bottles of Sanatogen Tonic Wine whenever she thought I looked 'peaky'! My mum had to tell her repeatedly that giving a six year old wine at bedtime was not recommended practice any more.

DowntonCrabby · 16/12/2018 09:20

I’d go absolutely batshit.

Alcohol is for parents to make a judgement on when to introduce as a taste in the teen years and not even at all if that’s how they feel.

I let DD 14 have a glug of prosecco in a glass of schloer maybe every few months so by no means against introducing it safely at home.

Granny thinks she’s being cool but my god what an idiot.

Weenurse · 16/12/2018 09:20

Nana used to give us 1/4 Glass of bubbly at Christmas from a very young age.
Aunt gave mine a sip of champagne each Christmas, but a sip only.
3 glasses is excessive

cariadlet · 16/12/2018 09:20

I thought it was going to be a sip to try it in which case I'd have said she should have run it by you, but no harm done so let it go.

3 glasses of wine for a 12 year old is awful. I wouldn't have even given mine one small glass at that age. It's a parent's decision when to introduce alcohol - not a grandparents. And 3 glasses is far too much for a 12 year old's body to cope with.

There's no way I'd let the grandparents see the children without me. Especially after the phone call. She obviously can't be trusted.

There is one possible good outcome. If your poor dd was sick afterwards and felt ill the next day, it could put her off alcohol for a few years.