AIBU to think your children should come first

[hellobeautiful123]

Our DD is nearly 9 months & was in a bad way after birth. She was starved of oxygen and blood and very nearly died. She spent a week in intensive care but is now striving and meeting all her milestones, even though they didn’t know if she would. That is the background.

The hospital said the best thing I could do for her is to breastfeed, which I have done exclusively. It’s been hard work.

My OH is struggling with the whole looking after a baby situation. I think he feels like a spare part even though I have tried on numerous occasions to make him feel needed and wanted.

In order for us to get sleep he sleeps in the spare room, which I know isn’t ideal and the baby sleeps with me. I also find this easier for breastfeeding and I do actually get enough sleep.

Every 3-4 days i kid you not, he mentions the sleeping situation and tells me what I should be doing to get the baby sleeping in her own room. He says she needs to learn to cry more.

I have recently started introducing formula milk in order for baby to be fed by OH or grandparents, so I can leave her with other people now & again.

This morning my OH said, ‘you’ve done the best you can for her by breastfeeding for so long, if you have to stop, it’s not the end of the world. She needs to take a backseat now and we need to take priority. She doesn’t want us splitting up’

I am absolutely livid!

I know the situation isn’t ideal but why can’t he realise it’s not going to be forever? I can’t even consider another baby with him! EVER.

He’s made everything so hard ☹️

Hmm. Tricky, but I think I get what you're both saying and can see both sides. Could you not put a cot in your room? I think he might mean put your relationship first in this instance, which I agree with. In terms of what is best for the baby, divorced parents generally have a greater negative impact than sleeping in a cot. If your relationship is otherwise OK, I would be looking to get her into her own cot.

What a pathetic little man. 'She doesn't want us splitting up' ummm well then how about you support your wife in doing her very best to care for her?!

He's being a total dickhead. I put dd in her own room at six months but at no point did she 'learn to cry more', and if I'd wanted to keep her with me DH would not have had one single solitary thing to say against it.

Agree that the parents relationship is very important. But why would sleeping in separate rooms for a while cause you to split up? Is he basically saying that if you don’t sort it out he’ll leave?
There are plenty of ways to have affection and intimacy with a partner without sharing a bed.

He should have stopped his ‘ advice ‘at ‘ it’s not the end of the world ‘ . No wonder you are livid but it sounds like he is really missing sharing a bed with you tbh , 9 months is a long time to sleep separately. How many times does she wake up for a feed ? Could you not try her in her own room now ?

I have never understood men sleeping in the other room. I always ebf and so there was nothing DH could do at night to take his turn, but he was still in the room. Babies always went in their own room at 6 months though.

I think it isn't an ideal situation. He may handle things better, but you also need to listen to what's going on with him, and make some compromise.

A tricky one, he absolutely hasn't put this very well at all but perhaps he does have a point.

9 months is quite a long time to be sleeping separately, is it every night? Could he move back in with you? Are you willing to try with DD in her own room? If not could you put her cot in your room? I'd perhaps see if you could have a think of ways around it and see if the situation improves.

I don't think sleeping in different rooms is all that big a deal. Loads of couples do it due to other issues such as shift work or snoring.

I think people do still need to maintain their relationship in the sense of talking to each other and being affectionate. But I think that any man who threatens (which is what it sounds like) the mother of his child with splitting up if he doesn't get more attention is an immature arse hole.

I’m in a similar situation to you, insofar as I breastfeed and co-sleep with my baby, whilst my husband sleeps in the spare room. He would never suggest that our child ‘take a back seat’ and that I prioritise him over our baby. I would be horrified that he was attempting to put his needs above that of our child. The comment re splitting up is massively inappropriate, and I would be making sure that he was aware I regarded that as a cowardly, underhand threat. He needs to have a serious think about what he means when he says that.

Yes he’s being a total tosses but have you thought of moving her into her own room? She may actually wake less if she’s not with you.

If you do this though, I think he needs to understand that if she is in her own room, he needs to deal with some of the night wakings and leaving her to cry isn’t an option. She won’t learn anything from crying, well apart from the main people in her life can’t be relied upon when she wants them.

Once she’s 12 months, which really isn’t that long, you can start night Weaning if you want to.

I think the way he has said it to you - almost a threat of divorce - would make anyone angry, and yes you are right that once you have a child your priorities change forever. However it is incredibly important to also maintain your relationship, we had a baby who had health problems that affected the first 18 months of her life and looking back I don’t know how our marriage survived it, we were both exhausted and argued a lot.

I would try to have a calm conversation with him when you have calmed down and explain how he has made you feel by saying those things.

I can see his side as well. I coslept with both of my children but my husband stayed in our bedroom. I think it would be difficult to feel close to him if we slept in separate rooms for 9 months.

Do you have any intimacy? How do you manage a sex life with her sleeping in your bed? Once dd2 got a bit older she would sleep in her room then come in for a feed and sleep in our bed the rest of the night.

She does need to be a priority but so does your marriage. He communicated that badly and came across as a bit of an arse. Whose decision was it for him to sleep in a different room? I'm all for however you choose to feed your baby, but her being EBF doesn't mean she can't sleep in her room. Obviously her sleeping in your room is fine too as long as you're both ok with it. How much is she waking that he can't sleep In b with you both?

Why doesn't he sleep in the same room as you and the baby? Is he really going to be that disturbed by her, if it's you dealing with her waking?

Ooh also to add she doesn't need to 'learn to cry'. But her being in her own room doesn't mean no-one would go to her 🤷

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your DP is telling you he feels pushed out. He is telling you he's willing to end the relationship over it.

While everyone on here is telling you to be a martyr, and your baby comes above all else, I don't agree. I'm someone who almost had a physical and nervous breakdown and almost split up with my kids dad because I put my kids needs above everyone one else's, including my own. Yes your kids needs come first. But you should also treat yourself as a priority and make time for your relationship. It's not a popular view on here, but it is mine.

Why does he have to sleep in the spare room? Can't you all co sleep together? You don't need to give up breastfeeding, like you've said your already introducing formula. Would you consider expressing?

I can also see both sides. Your relationship is important and happy parents in a loving relationship can only be a good thing for a child.

It’s not really about meeting her ‘needs’ as her needs would still be met in her own room or in a separate cot.

Hmm I can see both sides. What he said about splitting up was crass, but if he has been trying to talk to you about it every 3-4 days about it, and nothing has been resolved, perhaps he felt he had to be dramatic. I don't know - you know him best and whether he was being an arsehole or not.
My husband and I slept in separate rooms for the first six months, but he came back into our room once the baby was a bit bigger, and we are still co-sleeping all together at 23 months. Is there a reason you can't all be in the same room?

Of course no one is telling her to be a martyr. I just don’t understand why temporarily sleeping in separate rooms would lead to divorce, unless their relationship is otherwise lacking in affection or intimacy.

I've co slept with 3 babies till 18 months-2 years with and without the help of side sleepers. I'm currently co sleeping with my 4th child who is 7 week old, I've had multiple children in bed with me at times. My husband has never left the bed and has never felt neglected. If your husband is in a separate room so he doesnt get disturbed by his child then that's his fault. Tell him to stop being a baby and suck it up.

I think he worded his opinion badly. Yes I agree children come first, but you both need to make an effort in your relationship. Are you intimate (not necessarily sex) with each other without the baby, even if it's just attempting to watch a TV program together. Sounds like he's feeling neglected in your relationship and as petty as that sounds as 'it's not forever' its how he feels, he communicated that to you (badly), I don't think it's fair to dismiss this due to a difference in opinion. I'm not saying do as he's suggested but time to sit down and discuss what specifically is bothering him and how as a team you can both work to resolve it.

I can see his side. Baby is 9 months old not 9 weeks. You have done your best and baby has thrived because of it. But family life does not always work if you put children first all the time. Unless someone is ill, every member of the family is equally important.

While his comment was goady and insensitive, I can well see that he must feel totally excluded from not only the marital bed, but also from your tight little bond with your baby.
I always had my babies in a cot beside our bed for their entire first year and my DH and I slept together throughout that.
I get that your baby had a tough start, and you are very protective, but you still need to nurture your marriage.
My DD2 also nearly died at birth (Apgar score of 1) and we were considering offering her heart for donation to a sick baby at Great Ormond St at one point, when she was on a ventilator and having multi focal seizures despite 3 anticonvulsants, never having breathed since delivery and with a brain haemorrhage.
You can imagine, we were also VERY protective when we finally got her home! But it drew us together in support of each other, and we both wanted to have her in our bedroom and keep a close eye on her.
Don’t shut your DH out, OP. He loves your baby too, but you can’t blame him for wanting his wife back.

He hasn't worded it very well but 9 months is a long time, i don't even understand why he is in a seperate room?

Me and my partner have struggled since our daughter was born 10months ago, relationships after a baby need a lot more work to start with as the dynamics have changed.

So have you 2 not had a single date night or anything? You need to work at your relationship as well, yiu can't just ignore it

While everyone on here is telling you to be a martyr. I haven’t seen those posts. I’ve suggested moving her into her own room and sharing night wakenings and night Weaning at 12 months. How does that equate to martyring herself?

He sounds like an overgrown toddler.

DW and I slept in different rooms after DS was born. At least 6 months, might have been a year. Point is, I can’t remember. We definitely didn’t have sex for over a year because she didn’t feel like it. He’s being ridiculous.