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Original poster

AIBU to think your children should come first

101 replies

hellobeautiful123 · 15/12/2018 09:31

Our DD is nearly 9 months & was in a bad way after birth. She was starved of oxygen and blood and very nearly died. She spent a week in intensive care but is now striving and meeting all her milestones, even though they didn’t know if she would. That is the background.

The hospital said the best thing I could do for her is to breastfeed, which I have done exclusively. It’s been hard work.

My OH is struggling with the whole looking after a baby situation. I think he feels like a spare part even though I have tried on numerous occasions to make him feel needed and wanted.

In order for us to get sleep he sleeps in the spare room, which I know isn’t ideal and the baby sleeps with me. I also find this easier for breastfeeding and I do actually get enough sleep.

Every 3-4 days i kid you not, he mentions the sleeping situation and tells me what I should be doing to get the baby sleeping in her own room. He says she needs to learn to cry more.

I have recently started introducing formula milk in order for baby to be fed by OH or grandparents, so I can leave her with other people now & again.

This morning my OH said, ‘you’ve done the best you can for her by breastfeeding for so long, if you have to stop, it’s not the end of the world. She needs to take a backseat now and we need to take priority. She doesn’t want us splitting up’

I am absolutely livid!

I know the situation isn’t ideal but why can’t he realise it’s not going to be forever? I can’t even consider another baby with him! EVER.

He’s made everything so hard ☹️

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Fabaunt · 15/12/2018 12:26

He has a point. If he, or indeed my DH, was rejecting me for 9 months, I would feel a little isolated. You’re not considering his feelings or your relationship

itshappened · 15/12/2018 12:35

Actually we went through something similar with our baby who had severe reflux. DH moved into the spare room to ensure he got some sleep while I dealt with the night screaming, wake ups and bfing. From a practical perspective it made a lot of sense and I found it much less stressful than worrying about waking him up when he had work the next day etc. But our relationship did suffer. We barely spoke about anything other than sleep and the baby and there was no intimacy or affection between us after a few months. But he put his foot down much earlier than your OH, moved back into the room and put an end to co-sleeping! It was annoying at the time but it did help to get our relationship back on track a bit. He felt like such a spare part for much of the first year and I don't think we as mum's have the time or energy to appreciate how hard the transition can be for dad's too. But my husband found it so much easier once our daughter was over one and I went back to work, as she slept more, he was much more involved and found it more rewarding when they played together etc. Although I have to say we really haven't got back to the same levels of affection we had before we had a baby.

I think you should listen to him as clearly your partner is struggling with the changes having a baby has brought to your relationship, and although sometimes it feels like it would be easier if it was just you and your baby; once they get past the baby stage and become toddlers, and you go back to work etc, it really does take team work and a lot of cooperation between you both to make it work. Please don't push him away. Also it doesn't mean you love them less if your baby sleeps in their own room. We have to teach our children to be independent and confident with or without us, even if at times it goes against our instincts. Nursery really helped me realise this, but at home you have to do this too. It does not mean you have to stop breast feeding, but maybe encouraging your baby to sleep at least part of the night in their own room is a good start?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 15/12/2018 12:53

Yes, I would describe having sex on the sofa as 'like having sex in bed, but less comfortable with less space and a bit chilly I think you’re right there

The point I was trying to make is that it doesn’t have to be in bed or over the balustrade, there is the sofa for those with young children in the family bed. And you can always turn the heating up

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MasterSensei · 15/12/2018 13:48

I'll never understand why people have their other halves sleeping in the spare room... My dd is 7 months and we Co sleep. There's plenty of room she has the top right corner of the bed and I wriggle closer to DH she wakes multiple times a night and we all still get sleep. Why wouldn't you want him with you? I don't agree with him saying she needs to take a step back but your relationship is still important.

3WildOnes · 15/12/2018 14:07

I don’t think she needs to learn to cry but I do think you need to make your relationship more of a priority. I would be really lonely if I was sleeping in a separate room to my shop for nine months and I think our relationship would definitely suffer.
Is there a reason you don’t want to put her in her own room? As a compromise could you put her in a bedside cot and bring your husband back to the bed?

Schmoobarb · 15/12/2018 14:10

I can see both sides too. Obviously children should come first but parents need to look after themselves too in order to do that to the best of their abilities. Same as why you fasten your own life jacket first :)

grimupnorth1 · 15/12/2018 14:16

He sounds like he's being very selfish to me.
I'm in my last trimester of pregnancy and have suffered horrible HG, the only way I can get any sleep is if DH and I sleep in separate rooms most of the week. Doesn't mean we love each other any less, it's just what's right for me and baby at the moment and we both know it's only temporary.

FestiveNut · 15/12/2018 14:37

@mastersensei how do you make sure the baby doesn't fall off the bed?

MasterSensei · 15/12/2018 14:41

@festivenut
We have a mesh bed guard that clips onto the side of the bed. Got it after she grew out of the next to me it's great.

Anerak · 15/12/2018 14:44

If you want to BF that's your choice and you should keep going. The situation with your partner isn't about BF. It's about sleeping in separate beds. Couldn't you find a way to do both? A smaller bed in your room for your baby next to your bed even?

FixTheBone · 15/12/2018 14:51

You both need to learn to care for this child as a partnership.

I've been there and am still there, if every bit of advice or suggestion he makes isn't to his liking its going to become just your baby and not his as well.

Trust me on this, after years of being told everything I try and do is 'wrong' when actually, its just a different way of doing things, its very tempting just to walk away if you feel as though you have none of the joy of guiding the development and upbringing of a child, but all of the cost, inconvenience and loss of a partner.

Dimsumlosesum · 15/12/2018 14:53

You’re not considering his feelings or your relationship

And this is the point when women come to realise that it's not just their baby that has demands of them and their body.

FestiveNut · 15/12/2018 14:58

@mastersensei my DD is now out of her next to me, the guard sounds like a great idea. Can you pm me a link please?

Sorry to derail. Has the op been back since the first post?

DwangelaForever · 15/12/2018 15:13

I would hate being away from hubby at night for so long and I honestly don't get why he needs to be in spare room? I have a 12 week old and when I'm up in the night with him my hubby just sleeps on it doesn't bother him.

Tbh I don't think he worded it properly when he said baby needs to learn to cry more I don't think he meant it like that. I would look at getting her into her own bed/room cause it's not worth it and I say that as a mummy who didn't put my first into her room until she was 10 months!

I think at this stage he is right and you do need to prioritise your relationship.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 15/12/2018 15:33

I’m actually surprised at the amount of people saying your husband has a point. I’m not sure he does. Your daughter is 9 months old, not 9 years old. My eldest DD was a passionate cosleeper- she did not want to sleep alone until she was around 3 and no amount of methods tried worked. We tried loads of stuff from about 6 months- 8 months thinking she “should” be in her own room but quickly realised she didn’t like it and all I was doing was breastfeeding in her room having got out of bed to be up, cold and unhappy with a baby who was the same. It was uncomfortable for us all to be in the bed really, sweaty and a bit hemmed in, so DH had spent a couple of months in the spare room. We ended up bringing the spare single bed into our room and making a weird double-and-a-half bed and we all slept in that until I had DD2 when DD1 was 2 and a bit and then DH went on the spare room for six months again. He never once complained because it was for the children, who don’t “take a backseat” ever. If it’s about sex, you can have sex elsewhere. Make sure you’re having a couple of hours in the evening together to watch a bit of telly or have dinner together and then come up with a solution together than suits everyone, mattress on the floor or whatever you can make work with the resources you have. But don’t cave in to his petulant, veiled threats to leave.

Demelzasdilemma · 15/12/2018 15:46

Why does a grown man's request top trump a baby's needs? I've never understood why babies and small children are expected to sleep nicely on their own but adults aren't. A cosleeping cot may work and he can move back in but putting baby in their own room because he can't see the longer game here is childish. His comments are clumsy at best but please be aware that this may only be the start of unreasonable compromises expected here on. Me and my OH are having issues currently but he has never resented us cosleeping with the babies or them coming into our bed as and when they need to now they are older. We just bought a bigger bed!

Nothisispatrick · 15/12/2018 16:24

Why does a grown man's request top trump a baby's needs?

There’s no reason anyone’s needs have to trump anyone else’s. Plus the baby’s needs are being met whether they’re in their own room or not.

DP and I have a baby, we also still sleep together and have an affectionate loving relationship and I believe that can only have a positive impact on the baby.

Op, her husband and her child are a family. It’s not op and baby vs husband. There’s no need for it.

Caterina99 · 15/12/2018 18:23

Of course the children will ineviatably come first, but you need to consider yourself and DH too. You are a family of 3 and everyone’s needs matter

You may think it’s only temporary, but I know many families co sleeping and feeding in the night until the children are 3 and over, which is totally fine if that’s what they want, but clearly it’s not what your DH wants. You either need to start the process of moving DD to her own room, or find a way for you to all co sleep together, or face that your marriage is breaking down.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 15/12/2018 18:41

Has the op been back since the first post?. I thought she had but I was dealing with a tantrumming Preteen and got confused

JudasPrudy · 15/12/2018 18:49

'I have never understood men sleeping in the other room'

It's not safe to bedshare with a man in the bed. By the time it is safe the toddler takes up too much room for everyone to fit unless you have a massive bed.

OneStepMoreFun · 15/12/2018 20:08

It's not safe to bedshare with a man in the bed.
That may be true in general, @JudasPrudy but when DH and I bedshared with DS2 who was prem and miniscule we often woke up one of us on the floor on one side of the bed and the other on the floor on the other side. DS2 sweetly snoring centre-mattress, having booted us both out.

bobstersmum · 15/12/2018 20:20

I understand the importance of intimacy in a relationship but I think he was out of order to say that. You are doing the best you can and ensuring that you all get enough sleep. You can spend time with him while the baby sleeps including sex! I have been in this situation with all of mine and I used to go to bed with dh, cuddle /sex fall asleep, with the baby monitor on, when they woke up I went in with them for the rest of the night. As they got older I would sneak back into my bed once baby had gone back to sleep, if I didn't fall asleep there myself. It worked fine for us. They're only little for such a short time.

Believeitornot · 15/12/2018 20:25

Dh slept in a different room because our bed didn’t feel big enough. Plus dh snored and it woke baby.

But I think our relationship suffered as I did feel quite alone at times as he did too.

BackforGood · 15/12/2018 20:51

YABU to think it is a competition.
I agree with your dh.

Tigger001 · 15/12/2018 22:24

Although possibly worded wrong I can completely see where your husband is coming from. He must feel so excluded from you both.
I honestly do not understand why you would make him sleep in a separate bed for 9months, nor do I understand why you would want him to.
My DS is obviously so very precious to me and I would do anything for him, but I wouldn't exclude my husband like that. I breastfed my son and was conscious that my husband should feel involved,I never co slept, but I know loads who have done and never needed to kick their partner out the room.

Learning to cry more is a stupid statement. Maybe he has said some of the wrong things, but I do think you need to rethink your sleeping arrangements as I feel they will be damaging to your relationship

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