AIBU to think your children should come first

[hellobeautiful123]

Our DD is nearly 9 months & was in a bad way after birth. She was starved of oxygen and blood and very nearly died. She spent a week in intensive care but is now striving and meeting all her milestones, even though they didn’t know if she would. That is the background.

The hospital said the best thing I could do for her is to breastfeed, which I have done exclusively. It’s been hard work.

My OH is struggling with the whole looking after a baby situation. I think he feels like a spare part even though I have tried on numerous occasions to make him feel needed and wanted.

In order for us to get sleep he sleeps in the spare room, which I know isn’t ideal and the baby sleeps with me. I also find this easier for breastfeeding and I do actually get enough sleep.

Every 3-4 days i kid you not, he mentions the sleeping situation and tells me what I should be doing to get the baby sleeping in her own room. He says she needs to learn to cry more.

I have recently started introducing formula milk in order for baby to be fed by OH or grandparents, so I can leave her with other people now & again.

This morning my OH said, ‘you’ve done the best you can for her by breastfeeding for so long, if you have to stop, it’s not the end of the world. She needs to take a backseat now and we need to take priority. She doesn’t want us splitting up’

I am absolutely livid!

I know the situation isn’t ideal but why can’t he realise it’s not going to be forever? I can’t even consider another baby with him! EVER.

He’s made everything so hard ☹️

This isn't about sleep though, it's about communication. You are using "baby comes first," to dismiss what he says. If someone puts a 6m old in a cot, it doesn't mean they care less.

Do you have any sort of plan for her going in her own room? I think his idea of how to sleep is just as valid as yours and you aren't listening to him. Make a plan together, don't just ignore what he thinks. If he thinks you are listening to him and allowing him some say in parenting decisions, things will be fine. A cot in your room might be the compromise.

I know couples who just let life happen to them, still sleeping in chaotic ways with school age children. It's okay if you are both on the same page but you are not, so show you are listening.

He says she needs to learn to cry more.

This sentence makes me angry. I could maybe see that he wants to get back into bed with you but his attitude towards your DD is like that of a jealous sibling. Of course your DD is your priority she should be his priority too.

Sorry, I don't understand why your dh has to sleep in another room. Why can't all 3 of you fit in the same room? Why would that be so phenomenally disruptive of sleep? And why can't your dd move to another room, now? Wouldn't it help to have some kind of plan, with approximate timescales in place, for getting back to a more normal family life? I'm not surprised your dh is feeling like a spare part at the moment, with your set up.

Tbh, I think there is a difference between putting your child first and ignoring anyone's concerns except your child's. Also, is it really your child's needs that are preventing you from changing the current sleeping arrangements, or your own mental health following the traumatic birth (ie that you have understandably become over-cautious and hyper-focused on your child, not for their benefit so much as due to your difficulties in getting out of an over-anxious, unhealthy-in-the-long-term mindset)? Yes, your dh is deeply insensitive and somewhat self-centred to have expressed his concerns in the way he has, but whether you are actually putting your child first in a healthy, sustainable way or not is another question. How are you feeling in yourself (besides angry with and under pressure from your dh)?

I think your husband worded it poorly but does have a point. It isn't all about having sex, sleeping together is also about the closeness and intimacy of being a couple.

Surely at 9 months, your baby is sleeping through anyway and must rarely need breastfeeding during the night?

10 month old ebf baby over here. Husband is in spare room and baby in my room, we agreed a year would be when baby will go in his own room and plan to stop breastfeeding at a year too. Health visitor said as long as he gets 3 breastfeeds a day now can have cow's milk and no need to introduce formula if that helps? I have only left baby for work and I am not planning leaving him til a year to do stuff with husband or friends without him, when he is on food and I don't have to worry about expressing! Your husband is so cruel saying your options are basically to leave baby or split up! What a nasty thing to say to someone who lets you sleep at night and feeds your baby!

Your choice of course but you can express milk for others to feed, only do formula if it suits you.
He is jealous, tell him babies cry to get their needs met, they don't have to learn it.
Surely he can come back in with you, whilst baby is gradually, or swiftly, or not, moved into their own room. Up to you.
Understand his point but he didn't make it very well

LisaSimpsons do you not have a comfy sofa in your house?

I’m still breastfeeding at 15 months. Baby sleeps in a cot converted to cosleeper by our bed so we have the double for 2 grown-ups to cuddle up in, but I also don’t have to get up for night feeds (which he still has and which is fairly normal if you choose to go for natural term breastfeeding rather than consciously weaning - both decent options, choose based on your own family and what works).

We tend to make a nest in the spare room for shagging, but it’s v rare these days as we’re both knackered with work and my complicated birth injuries are still a bit of a barrier to intimacy - does your husband realise some women are still unable to have penetrative sex over a year after childbirth (and that their husbands get really handy with a clitoris and continue to love and support them anyway due to not being selfish man-children?)?

Surely at 9 months, your baby is sleeping through anyway

There are many, many babies who don’t sleep through at 9 months. Neither of mine did. Apparently 50% of babies are still waking in the night at 12 months.

Oops forgot to add... Spare room in week when he's at work and with us on weekend because he doesn't need sleep! I like him being with us at the weekend as he realises how hard sleep is with a baby! Also baby is in his own cot in our room/my room! Maybe try the weekend thing? Might help also try adding a time frame e.g. a year, then he will know there is a end in sight. Although I probably wouldnt want to cuddle a man who guilted me so much!

We coslept (with cot attached to bed) until 18 months, with her frequently ending up in with us for part of the night until we stopped bf at 23 months.

DH didn't go anywhere though, I can see why your OH feels like he's being pushed out - is there any way you can all share? - I had to give up my bedside table and mountaineer out of bed. We also tried without the cot, but she took up sooo much space, even in a king size!

I personally wouldn't have bothered putting her in her own room at nine months, she still fed twice a night at that age, but I also wouldn't have wanted OH in the spare room every night.

Is it possible that this isn't entirely about sleeping arrangements but that's what's brought it to a head? How confident is he as a dad? Has he regularly had baby without you there? If not, I think you need to start helping their bond to grow. Maybe you need to suddenly need some last minute Christmas shopping and nip out for a few hours. Get some time to be you again and let him take charge - and try to bite your tongue if things aren't exactly as you'd done it. It sounds like he is feeling a bit excluded from his own family and I think that baby and dad need time together now it can be for longer with a bottle as well as the two of you. You can be cross for the way he has expressed it but you can't ask him to change the way he feels. Trying a cot is not an unreasonable request. See how it works out and take it from there. It's not easy but 9 months is a lovely age and baby is changing so the way you handle things can too

I get his point entirely but he's worded it badly. Instead of being livid maybe you guys need a calm chat about how you're both feeling and each try to see it from the other's point of view as much as you can. Like PPs have said, can't he come back into your room and baby goes into a cot in your room as a first step?

Let him back into his own bed. You really don;t want the baby to be someone who comes between you. Yes children come first imo too, because they are vulnerable and have no choice about where they live and who with. But that doesn't mean the man should be ousted. There's a danger of failing to bond if at some primal level he sees the baby as a rival.
Let him sleep in his own bed, let him bottle feed her. Make lots of positive comments about how well he handles her, how happy she seems with him etc. Long term, this will help you all.

LisaSimpsons do you not have a comfy sofa in your house?

Yes, I would describe having sex on the sofa as 'like having sex in bed, but less comfortable with less space and a bit chilly'

9m apart is a long time and not temporary

There's a danger of failing to bond if at some primal level he sees the baby as a rival.

I absolutely agree with this but seeing his own baby as a rival is really his problem to fix not hers. He needs to have a serious word with himself, and then start discussing this from a "how can we do what works best for all of us as a family" approach rather than "you keep putting the baby first and I want you to put me first."

Now that your baby takes the odd 'freedom bottle' have you used any of that freedom to go out with DP and reinforce that primary relationship?

Or to really talk about how younare feeling.

He sounds unhappy.

Communication between the two of you sounds dire.

You don't sound inclined to work on it - instead you are seeking validation from MN that he's the unreasonable one. He isn't - this is an issue to which you have both contributed.

His words are a clear warning that the current set up is so intolerable to him that he is contemplating leaving. It is totally up to you whether you heed that.

I would have a think about why, at 9 months, she needs to sleep with you. To feed in the night? Surely she sleeps through now?

I can see where he is coming from, not best worded maybe, but can understand why he feels pushed out.

Not all babies sleep through at 9 months, not by a long way. Lots of people co-sleep because their babies are still waking in the night, because it's generally less disturbance for you if you don't have to get out of bed to deal with it every time.

Gah just wrote and lost a long reply, but essentially my point was that you both have to step back from the baby vs us loggerheads and re-establish yourselves as a family of three who all have needs. If you depriotise him, you will split up. if he dismisses the baby's needs (and yours by the sounds of it), you'll hate him. And in amongst it, you'll lose all sense of yourself and emerge blinking from the baby stage wondering wtf happened, possibly without your partner. It's hard for any couple in that first year or two, even without what you've been through, but you need to keep listening and talking and not let conflicts blow up into something bigger and potentially apocalyptic. Him making threats and you being livid isn't going to end well. It's hard I know, but you need have some time together to hear each other and figure out a way through that makes it feel like you both have some choice and your needs - whatever they may be - are subsumed totally by your DC. Hang in there and it will get better.

*aren't subsumed

Hm tricky.

He has a point although he hasn't expressed it very well.

She doesn't need to take a back seat but she is part of a family and everyone's needs in the family are important.

I absolutely agree with this but seeing his own baby as a rival is really his problem to fix not hers. He needs to have a serious word with himself, and then start discussing this from a "how can we do what works best for all of us as a family" approach rather than "you keep putting the baby first and I want you to put me first."

Well yes, but when people are upset, hurt, feeling pushed away they don't always respond with rational logic. Sometimes they are just upset.

They need to 'reconnect' (hate that word!) as a couple. The baby isn't going anywhere and she does need her parents to work on their relationship if they are to stay together.

Well I am with you OP. But then my DH slept in a different room for about, um, seven years... It just meant we all got more sleep (and as a result, stayed married).

You sound anxious after your ordeal and I can completely understand why a date night hasn’t crossed your mind

Assuming you still feel this is temporary, in the grand scheme of things 9 months is not a long time and I think your DH’s comment, basically threatening to split up with you, was shitty.

She needs to take a backseat now and we need to take priority. She doesn’t want us splitting up’

This is a very strange thing for him to say. Children never really take a 'backseat'.

What I would do would depend on what he's usually like. If he's usually a good husband/father/person than I would tell him you don't like what he has said but that you are willing to try to get your child into a cot in your room. However if he's usually not a great person then I would rethink your relationship with him as once you have children they do tend to take up a lot of time. If he not ok with that then it's going to cause problems for many years.