Have you got a kind child?

[PrincessJuanita]

Hi! Raising my ds to be kind and treat others well is probably more important to me than many other things you wish for your child. We've had a bit of a carry on today as he's been quite selfish over some Christmas presents but he's only 6 so am hoping this is just an age thing.
So my question, if you have an older child/teen/adult child who is kind and thoughtful, how did you encourage and develop this? Or is it just part of who they are without any input from you?
Thanks!

I brought my son up as I was brought up. He has special needs but doesn't let it hold him back. He carries people's shopping for them. Let's people on bus in front of him and holds doors open. People often tell me how polite and thoughtful he is which warms my heart ♥.

What do you mean he’s been quite selfish?

Sometimes we place unrealistic expectations on children to be “kind” when we wouldn’t act in the same way as adults.

Yes, DS is 18 and a lovely kind young man. We have modelled that behaviour by being kind to each other at home, but I don't know how much of it is innate, because DH and I are both very generous and would be willing to help anyone. I'm also a union rep and DS has grown up knowing how important it is to stand up for what is right and fair. He has his moments, he's no saint, but essentially if I asked him to do something and he could, he would do it, and he never went through a rebellious phase.

I have two children. One has always been thoughtful and kind (even as a baby he displayed a remarkable consideration for others). The other child is still only a toddler but he’s a selfish bastard. Hopefully he will grow out of itbuthe definitely doesn’t have the same inherent consideration and empathy that his brother did at that age. I think that we all have natural inclinations or predispositions andsome are predisposed to kindness but equally kind acts can be a result of a good upbringing where children are taught a strong sense of morality and honour. A self respecting person will always act with kindness even if it is not in their nature.

Hmm, interesting questions. I would describe 2 of my children as inherently kind. One is ds1, now an adult and he was always kind even in the face of massive bullying and discrimination by others. The other is dd2 (6) who is also just kind by nature.

Dd1 is a teen and, well, she can be very sweet but I wouldn't describe her as kind necessarily. She's hard working and not intentionally mean but she definitely protects her own interests.

Ds2 (also 6) is kind to an extent but he's the one that will have a strop in the supermarket when I say no to a toy and he's the one the others all pander to so is a bit spoilt. He's starting to grow out of the behaviour as he realises it doesn't get him anywhere!

As to whether it's nature or nurture, possibly a bit of both. I think children are born with their own natural disposition but we can help shape that.

6 year olds can also be a bit me me me - nobody warns you about that bit though!

True @Believeitornot and I acknowledge that at his age being disappointed was a bit of an over-reaction.

We were talking about Christmas presents and I offered to give him some chances to earn pound coins to spend on presents (stuff that actually he can and should do himself EG learning his spellings, making his bed, feeding the cat etc) he has a new baby cousin and I thought he'd enjoy picking a gift for her as he's smitten. He replied that he couldn't be bothered and if he did earn money he'd spend it all on himself as he's the only one who's important. This was the bit that pushed my buttons I think.

Loving hearing about your kind children though, keep them coming!!

There is nothing wrong with anyone putting their own needs above everyone elses. I think it’s good to ALWAYS be kind, but always to remember you’re #1.

Lead by example

🤣 yeah I’m not surprised. He’s being asked to do chores for someone else’s benefit.

We don’t pay for chores in our house - we are all expected to chip in.

My two dcs are thoughtful and kind when they want to be (6&9). I remind them to think of other people’s feelings and also I am kind to them. Eg sometimes I will do things for them and praise them when they show kindness to others. Having pets helps! As they learn how to care for others.

My 9 year old son is very kind. Part of it is he has always been made to think about his actions but a large part of it is it is just part of his character. The hard part is teaching him to not allow himself to be taken advantage of.

We don’t pay for chores in our house - we are all expected to chip in.

@Believeitornot
This is the point, I'm actually offering to give him money for basically stuff that he does anyway...... thought it would be nice for him to have his "own" money to buy gifts with.

I think that's a bit of a tall order to be fair, asking a six year old to do chores or buy a gift for his cousin, it would take a saintly one to agree to that.

My daughter is inherently kind, I've no idea why with me as a mum, she's definitely just a really nice person, but I'd not have put this on her. It's a bit of a shit ask.

@FrogsSpawnofSanta that's the flip side isn't it? Being kind is great but being a push over isn't. It's hard to get the right balance.

In my opinion it would be better to say “let me give you £10 and you decide what to buy for your cousin”.

@Bluntness100 but it's stuff he does anyway so can't really understand why it's a shit ask...... kids should be doing little chores aged six I'm pretty sure that bit's now unreasonable.

@Believeitornot yes that's what we've done in previous years and will probably do again.

At that age the learning about kindness would be best done by including him in choosing a present that you pay for. You’re offering him money for doing things he should do anyway then taking that money away. I can see his point tbh!
He already is kind and thinking of others by being smitten by his baby cousin.

I would say my dc (22 and 18) are kindly people. But it's taken a few years to get there and tbh I think it works better without too much angsting about "the kind of people I want you to be" on the way. Tell them off when they're misbehaving, model kindness, don't let yourself be treated badly by them or anyone else- they will pick it up.

Yes, I have 2 sons aged 18 & 20 and they are two of the kindest people I know. We are always kind to each other at home and I have always used the phrase ‘good things happen to good people’ and we talk about things good and bad that happen in their lives and try to understand why people do things the way they do. I found it really helped them to think about their own actions and how they’ll impact on others. It’s worked well so far.

I love the "good things happen to good people" message.

DD is and always has been kind. She spends all of her pocket money on other people. She is generous, selfless and just kind kind kind. A lot of it is personality. She has a kind family and we have always treated her with respect and love but she is just that way inclined. DS is far more self serving. He isn't unkind but he has good self preservation instincts and negotiation skills. If we give them a treat, dd shares it automatically with every single person present even if she goes without. DS serves himself first and THEN shares. I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with this tbh. They are good and likeable young people. Just different.

@Racecardriver The other child is still only a toddler but he’s a selfish bastard.

that made me laugh!!

Teaching kindness is very important but you have chosen a learning experience that's too complicated for a 6 year old that's all.

With my dds I go a bit over the top with opportunities to model
Kindness. For example encouraging a shy child to join in at a party. Returning lost toys or handing them in. This works well if something has been returned to us and we talk about the kindness and thoughtfulness of other people. That kind of thing. I encourage dd1 (9) to help dd2 (6) with anything she can. I drill into them that if someone hurts themselves or falls over or looks upset that you must always ask them if they are ok and if they need help etc you get the idea.

But good things don’t necessarily happen to good people, do they? I was an exceptionally kind child & teen and went out of way to help others. In the end I was just taken advantage of. I definitely agree with posters who say it’s nice to be kind to others but not at the expense of yourself. My two children were very kind kids but are less so now they are teens. I’m hoping they will balance out again in adulthood.

Ds (9) is naturally kind. He doesn’t get it from DH who is naturally incredibly selfish...
He’s been in almost the exact same scenario today. He’s earned £5 (not from us, for doing a ‘job’ that took a couple of hours and straight away he said he was going to spend it on a phone cover for his cousins (he’d already been looking at covers but he was so pleased that he had enough to buy it). I’d have given him the money but he didn’t ask for it. He spent his first ever pocket money on glitter glue pens for the same cousins and he’s even bought them flowers before!

It is a balance though. For example, he’d originally said he didn’t want the £5 and his friend could have the whole £10 but they’d done the same thing. Luckily his friend is also kind and said no thanks. He’ll continue to be kind and ‘do the right thing’ even when others are not kind to him.

I’m glad he’s a lovely boy but I worry he’ll be walked all over as an adult!