Have you got a kind child?

[PrincessJuanita]

Hi! Raising my ds to be kind and treat others well is probably more important to me than many other things you wish for your child. We've had a bit of a carry on today as he's been quite selfish over some Christmas presents but he's only 6 so am hoping this is just an age thing.
So my question, if you have an older child/teen/adult child who is kind and thoughtful, how did you encourage and develop this? Or is it just part of who they are without any input from you?
Thanks!

I do think good things happen to good people, shit things do sometimes happen but I do think (and it’s proven pretty true for us) that you get back what you put out there and if you are a good kind person then good things will happen.

We are a naturally positive family though so I wonder if that helps, we tend to move on quickly from the bad stuff.

Frogspawnofsanta I agree, ds is an amazing,kind, caring boy, when we looked after a friend's baby she was amazed how mature and caring he was, commenting he seemed to display what people only see as feminine skills, a ykwim (friend is an ed psych so knows her stuff) ... He is fab... Flip side, he is a gentle soulkl,no interest in football etc, loves nature, oceans etc and is treated with indifference at best, bullying behaviours at worst, from others in class and know he is getting older he is much much more aware of this and he is struggling with it.

But he's perfect and a million times better than some of the nasty little he puts up with.

I think it's just awkward phrasing op, and difficult to comprehend, you offered to pay him for the chores he currently does, on the condition he gives it back to you to buy a gift for his cousin. It just feels wrong.

If however you let him earn money then once he had it, allowed him to spend it on himself, and asked if he'd like to buy a gift for his cousin as well, that would be different, he may well have elected to buy her something,

But in this scenario he was offered money on the condition it is not his. I don't think he is unkind, more just a normal,intelligent young boy,

I’m not sure that you was encourage kindness by telling him you’ll pay him to do chores. Are you going to keep paying him post-Christmas?

If he already does them why bring in the concept of payment.

Ok, obviously misjudged that one then, thanks for the input.

Ds was a much longed for child, both parents in our 40's only grand child in the family etc etc..... gets shed loads of attention and material things and I'm really wary of him turning out to be selfish and entitled but I admit I go overboard sometimes. I need to relax and let him be six 😁

Loving hearing about your kind kids..... hope they get everything they deserve in life!

My girls are 20 and 22. They are both kind and thoughtful. The eldest cooks for us without being asked, they do chores etc. They are kind to each other and have never fallen out. They are close to my elderly parents and often take them out.
I am very happy with how they turned out.

@Mrskeats
They sound lovely 😊

To be honest op, everyone needs an element of selfishness or entitlement. It is a balance but you don't want to raise a kid who feels he is entitled to nothing and he always has to put others first.

Because if you do sadly he will meet people who will hurt him all the time throughout his adult life. He has to be able to call it.

Hence letting him decide if he wishes to buy a gift, but also letting him buy for himself, is good.

I'm also not sure how you now get out of the concept of payment now you've put it on thr table.

I love the "good things happen to good people" message.

Yuck. I don’t. And for the op who said their lovely happy “positive” family who moved on from bad things quickly- well jolly for you.

What about people whose children are ill? Or who are infertile? Or who live with chronic conditions?

Or what about the likes of me who had cancer as a young mum of two under 6 year olds? (Many years ago now thankfully) and who- after going through chemo and radiotherapy and experiencing the gut wrenching fear of not being around to see my kids grow up- was then left by my husband who had been my childhood sweetheart... If I’d read this thread then and seen that “good things happen to good people” I could have been devastated.

As it is it just boils my piss that people can be so fucking naive, narrow minded and cruel. No “goodness” there.

Sorry to hijack OP. One of my four is very kind, one is mostly kind, the other two are lovely people but kindness doesn’t come easily.

Thanks. At 6 children have a lot to learn about kindness etc. It’s still all to play for really.

@Bluntness100 ok thanks for the advice, I'm sure we'll muddle through 😊
@Isadora2007 so sorry you've been through a tough time, I can see why that phrase would bother you. 
@Mrskeats Yes I sometimes find I have to tell myself "he's only 6, he's only 6!!"

Four teenagers:

DS1 is a very kind person and has always been that way. Mixture of nature & nurture.

DS2 (ASD) is never unkind, although can be a bit oblivious to others' needs. Mostly nature, also some nurture when it came to teaching social skills and noticing others' feelings.

DD is the kindest person I've ever met. She literally never says an unkind word against anyone. Must be nature as she is a better person than me or DH (and DH is practically a saint).

DS3 is not deliberately unkind, but can be selfish/thoughtless (which he gets from me) - still a work in progress.

I tried to bring them all up to treat other people as they would like to be treated, and we have always stressed kindness and respect for others (and ourselves) as part of our family values.

We try to notice and praise acts of kindness and thoughtfulness. If they ever did anything thoughtless or inconsiderate, I asked them to put themselves in the other person's place and imagine how it might feel.

I've realised that my last couple of posts make them sound too good to be true... 🤣
In reality, I promise they are very normal. DS1 can be stubborn and scatty, DS2 can be a know-it-all and DS3 can be really quite irritating when he puts his mind to it.

Joyce
I have a kind ds. He breaks my heart.

I’ve asked and encouraged my kids to be kind, but what they have done in real life has always surprised me.

Youngest came out of the school Children in Need sale with books for his younger family friends that he’d bought from his own money.

DS1 has always amazed me with his kindness from a very young age. In nursery there was a lad with quite serious educational needs. DS came to me and said I’m in a special class ( was a long time ago, I think that’s how he described it). So I went in and asked about this. Turns out DS had really befriended this boy, helped him to behave. As in ‘come on, it’s snack time, we need to go to the carpet’ that type of thing. And when this boy had extra help when others were playing, my lad stayed with him and joined in. 10 years ago now, and he’s growing into a lovely young man. I’m proper proud.

Wow @CurlsandCurves not surprised you're proud, they sound brilliant. To me, that sort of moment from your child is far more precious than being top of the class, or sport's stars.

@TheFirstOHN your teens sound great, there's no such thing as perfection!

My DS (6) is extremely loving and kind. I'm not a soppy person but he actually brought a tear to my eye today.

He won a prize at a Christmas Fayre. It contained two very small chocolate elves. He asked if he could have one now and I said okay. His DSis (8) asked him if she could have some. He was gutted. It was his special prize. I told her no it was his. A few minutes later he walked over and gave the other elf to her, knowing it was his last but he hated to see his sister go without.

If anyone ever offers him a sweetie he takes three, not to be rude or greedy, but to make sure his sisters get one too. He would literally give someone the shirt off his back. If he thinks he's upset me by doing something bad he'll go to bed and cry. Yet he's quite an outgoing and confident boy too.

I think your DS’s reaction to was very normal for a six year old. I’m sure he loves his new cousin but may feel a tiny bit pushed out and maybe just decided new cousin wasn’t having his hard earned money
He’s probably wondering if he does it for Xmas, it might just carry on.
You can’t expect a young child to always think putting yourself out for others is a good thing, but it’s perfectly natural.

Racecar, aren't all toddlers selfish bastards?

I have four DCs and all are kind to varying levels but DD3 is the kindest child I know. She gets very upset by things like homelessness wants to sell her toys for charity. She never wants anything in fact I think she’s only asking Santa for Harry Potter Lego as I said I lived it and would play with her. She gives some of her pocket money to Guide Dogs for the Blind too. She would give you anything.

The eldest two DDs have reached the selfish teenage years where it’s all about them.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=nwAYpLVyeFU
Have a look at this for how kindness can spread
Used to use this with ks2 classes. May be cheesy but I love it.

I agree with all the replies saying it is about modelling. It becomes automatic.
Both dh and I would / do go out of our way to help people if we can, so, I think as far as our (adult) dc are concerned, it's just "what you do". But I think 'being kind' is about automatically picking something up for someone / giving up a seat for someone / giving someone a lift when you can / offering someone who arrives at your house basic hospitality like a cup of tea / offering a harassed parent a bit of babysitting, or an elderly or less mobile neighbour some shopping or just clearing the snow from their drive, etc / automatically nipping round to help out if the person making the tea at the end of the meeting looks a bit overwhelmed.
I'm with your ds, tbh, me doing jobs I don't want to do, you be given a token with which I can buy someone else a present doesn't either come in to that category, nor sound appealing

This is a nice thread. Not read it yet - have earmarked for later - but this is v much what I hope for wrt my kids too. Kindness is so important.

I have a no sibling or friend left behind thing - so if they are out and running in the park and someone falls they are in extreme trouble if they do not go back and help them up and check they are ok.

Couple of times a year they personally select things in supermarket to take to food bank and we talk about others less fortunate.

Their (state, urban) primary is v good on kindness and anti bullying for which I am grateful

When I am in bed cuddling them sometimes I list all the things they are good at as a bit of a game e.g. you are a brilliant runner, a great cook, excellent at being tickled etc, and I always put kind first.

And I did have a book of kindness for a bit where I was writing their kind deeds and making a show of it but like all my own good intentions that lasted about a week! Must restart in Jan...

oh and the oldest is a Brownie where they are meant to do a good deed every day...

My two seem to be kind by nature - which is great as far as it goes - but I think it's largely tied in with characteristics which are not always good to have, like passivity, reluctance to put themselves forward, nervousness/sensitivity.

Those traits make me worried for their future.

I try to teach them that you have as much duty to look after yourself as you have to look after other people.