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Parenting

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Original poster

Won't poo in toilet

60 replies

TraceyP · 30/08/2004 11:26

My dd is 3 years 3 months old, has been completely dry for 8 months and uses the loo for weeing, but won't use it to poo. She's not constipated, it doesn't hurt, she's not frightened of the loo, she's in complete control of her poo and knows that it belongs in the loo -but will only do it in a nappy, at one particular time of day, and in one particular place. We tried sitting her on the loo at "poo time" but she reckons she can't do it, has a nappy on then poos in it in about 10 seconds. We've tried bribery, getting cross, and we're now (on the advice on the health visitor) completely ignoring it in the hope that not paying the problem any attention will cure it - and it hasn't!!

Any advice gratefully received!

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Original poster

TraceyP · 31/08/2004 10:56

Somebody? Anybody? There must be somebody out there who has had this problem?

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cazzybabs · 31/08/2004 11:31

No advice - but this is what my dd does as well.

Original poster

TraceyP · 31/08/2004 11:32

Cazzybabs - is it just me, or does it drive you demented too? She has complete hysterics if we so much as mention using the loo, you'd think we had asked her to cut her own arm off!

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cazzybabs · 31/08/2004 11:36

Its very annoying - she will sit on the loo and try sometimes or just cry and want a nappy on so I give in as I don't want her consiptated and to have issues about it later in life.

Original poster

TraceyP · 31/08/2004 11:38

That's the problem, isn't it - I want to do something constructive that will help her to help herself, without giving her problems when she's older. Trouble is, the more we indulge her, the more fixed in her ways she's getting. I've got visions of her still doing this when she's 10

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dinosaur · 31/08/2004 11:40

she will get there, it took DS1 until he was nearly 4.5, but he managed it the end

Tissy · 31/08/2004 11:42

I wonder if your daughter feels comfortable enough on the loo to relax and let go? My dd will pee on the loo if I hold her there, but for a poo she has to have her own little loo seat, so she's not worried about falling in/ off! Alternatively, what about those potties that look like a seat, with a back and side handles? If she could comfortably sit on there, you may be able to distract her with a story for long enough for something to happen.

Original poster

TraceyP · 31/08/2004 11:45

Tissy, she has her own loo seat that pulls down from ours that's easy to use, she's happy enough to wee on the loo and likes to go up on her own to do that (because, she says, she's a "big girl") but just has this fixation about pooing.

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Original poster

TraceyP · 31/08/2004 11:46

We had to get rid of her potty as well, because she says she's a big girl and wants to do what big girls do. Until it's time to poo ...

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BooMama · 31/08/2004 12:22

My ds (who is 4) has only just started to use the loo for toileting after a YEAR of wet and soiled pants. We have honestly tried everything! I think the health visitor is right in recommending you ignore it - although it is very hard to do. We would manage to ignore things for a day or two and then I would just get frustrated and either get angry or want to have a big chat about it. As soon as I gave up and stopped giving him any attention over it everything just seemed to fall into place.
Other factors...
We bought him a Shrek2 sticker book and gave him a sticker to put in everytime he did a wee which worked really well. When we wanted to encourage the poo side of things we bought a Spiderman sticker book and some stickers, put them on a shelf and told him they were for when he did a poo on the loo. After that we didn't really mention it again but left to his own devices a couple of days later he took himself to the loo - and this after always soiling his pants and never letting us know he needed to go.
I think the sticker books worked as a bribe because he had an incentive to keep getting stickers to fill the spaces - I had tried many other types of bribing but this was the first that worked.
My HV suggested that he might have been scared about the water splashing his bottom and suggested leaving some paper in the loo to prevent this - although that had never been a problem with him.
She also suggested using some old yucky pants as poo pants and letting him poo in those - I think that was really to try to get him to tell us when he needed to go but it might work in putting your dd off! They're not going to be as nice as a nice clean nappy to go in(pretty horrible for you to clean up - get some cheapies and throw them away maybe...)
A lot of people (here on MN too!) reassured me that it would just happen, like a switch being turned on and although hard to believe whilst you are going through it, it is true!
Good luck!

Original poster

TraceyP · 31/08/2004 12:30

Thanks Boomama. The old knickers sound gross but might be just what she needs. We did buy some really cheap, horrible plasticky nappies thinking she might dislike them so much that she wouldn't want to use them, but she has them on for such a short time that I don't think the fact that they're not nice bothers her. A nasty, pooey pair of knickers might, though ...

We have tried incentives - there's actually a big jar of chocolate lollipops and mice on the windowsill of our loo for when she poos in it, they've been there three weeks and still no joy. We've promised her a game she wants as a special present for when she poos in the loo, she's been telling us for weeks that she can have it when she poos but still won't do it. Maybe it's a control thing - it's something she can do that we have no control over.

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BooMama · 31/08/2004 12:38

I definitely agree about the control thing. We control so much in their lives and it's the one thing they can really hold over us. That's why I think as soon as I REALLY started ignoring it and stopped showing any signs of being bothered by it it seemed to stop. His readiness to use the loo was all tied up with the weeing as well - he saw a boy doing a stand up wee and the next day wanted to copy him. That was our breakthrough with the first problem - obviously it's different for you as your dd is ok with the wees...
Is her place where she goes far from the bathroom? Maybe if you could get her to do it (still in the nappies) in the bathroom then you would be a step closer. Then after a while you could ask her to wait in the bathroom whilst you fetch the nappy and maybe eventually she might get up on the loo rather than wait? Probably a longshot...
I'm glad you weren't totally disgusted by the pants idea - I wasn't sure whether to write it or not!

Original poster

TraceyP · 31/08/2004 12:44

Nah, not disgusted - I think very little disgusts you when you've seen what can come out of both ends of a three year old!!

BTW, we have tried getting her to stand in the loo to poo, but still get the hysterical screaming and crying. Someone suggested that we sit her on the loo with her nappy on, but she won't have that either.

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BooMama · 31/08/2004 13:47

Is she dry at night too? Because if so you could just run out of nappies... Say "sorry, but the nappies are all gone". She may get really upset or make a big mess in her pants but hopefully she'll still go and not get constipated holding it back! (Maybe not such a good idea...!)

Original poster

TraceyP · 31/08/2004 14:00

No, not dry at night yet, nappy always sodden in the morning despite the fact we leave a potty in her room for her. We tried running out of "pooing nappies" (the cheap nasty ones) but she just said she'd wait for a poo until we bought some more!!!! I don't want to risk problems arising with her becoming constipated through holding it back.

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Philly · 31/08/2004 14:27

We had this problem with ds1 and in fact he would go and put his own nappy on to do it!I was at my wits end he was one week off his 5th birthday when we finally cracked it (difficult to believe now as he is 11 on Thursday!).

We never did get truly to the bottom of it,I think it was just that he wasin control of this one aspect of his life.Eventually we cracked it with a star chart with a reward for getting 5 stars.We had tried this before but he never wanted anything enough!

I would get some trainer pants myself and put them on an easy to reach shelf,then tell her that it is up to her to put them on that you will not help because it's her choice although you will help her to wipe bottom.Then just let it go for a while

Original poster

TraceyP · 31/08/2004 14:52

Oh my God, Philly - I don't think I could stand to still be doing this at 5! She has pull up nappies for night time so I could try leaving them for her to put on. As she only ever "goes" after her bath, we could put her nappy out for her with her pyjamas. Or will that just encourage it, make it seem as if it's more acceptable than it is?

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JuniperDewdrop · 31/08/2004 14:55

my son is 4 on saturday and just started pooing in the loo. Just chill as getting stressed does no good (easier said than done though) when i stopped making such a fuss and just hinted gently he soon changed

Original poster

TraceyP · 31/08/2004 15:01

We had a big chat with her about a month ago, explained that she's the boss of her poo,that the poo needs to be in the loo and it's her job to put it there. We told her that we wouldn't be nagging her about it, that she knew how to do it and where, and that it's all up to her now. We haven't made a fuss about it ever since (and it's really hard!), but she now seems to see this as acceptance of her behaviour and has just continued as before.

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Philly · 31/08/2004 15:18

This is exactely what we did and I have to say it just became routine for him and so to break the cycle ,and I am NOT recommending this because it could have dire results for some children we eventually took away the nappies,it took 4 days and we never looked back.

I am was very sure that he would give in at this point and would have given them back if we had reached 5 days.I would never have done this with ds2 as I know it can cause problems with holding and constipation but I felt it was worth a go with ds1 and it worked,but he was older and I felt we needed to break the cycle.

The main thing to remember is that it will stop,not many 10 year olds are doing this!

Original poster

TraceyP · 31/08/2004 15:20

We've thought about that once or twice - I don't know who would give in first, me or her! Did it cause much trouble, Philly, when you did this?

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Philly · 31/08/2004 19:00

I think in the initial stages he would have stuck at it for a long time and I would have given in for fear of causing other problems but by the time we did it ie after about a year of using the nappy and after finding something that he really wanted taht I would not otherwise have bought him (a batman outfit) I felt that he would give in.I just sensed that it was the right time.

Original poster

TraceyP · 31/08/2004 19:46

At the moment incentives aren't working and I think that right now forcing the issue might cause more problems than it solves. It's something I shall bear in mind for later, though. I think at the moment she would just dig her heels in and hold it all back - she's a strong minded child and I would cave in before she did.

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Chinchilla · 31/08/2004 19:49

Haven't read the replies, so sorry if I double up. Ds was/is having that problem. We have a sticker chart stuck up in the loo for rewarding wees and poos (and other extra good behaviour). He gets 1 sticker for a wee and two for a poo. If he has an accident in his pants poo-wise, he gets a sticker removed. It seems to be working since we have stressed the sticker removal clause. It is a good incentive, because he gets a Milky Way every other 10 stickers, and a small car (75p-ish) for every other 20.

Maybe you could say that she can get a toy if she does 5 poos in a row on the loo?

Chinchilla · 31/08/2004 19:51

Also, a friend of mine got really tough with her ds. She realised that if you say (as suggested by books), 'It's alright darling, it doesn't matter', they believe you and have no incentive to stop doing it. So she and her dh told their ds that he would have DVDs taken away if he had any more accidents. It has worked, whether by co-incidence or not, who can say?!

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