Very important/urgent! Please read!

[Didydani]

Hi everyone,

I'm completely new to the forums and I've seen plenty of people supporting each other, giving advice etc and wondered if you could do the same for me.

I have a fairly quick question to ask and I need it answered ASAP really.

Should I call social services today? My little girl (who turns 1 this Dec) is due to visit my mother's house, where my sister and my nephew also live.

I've recently acquired photographic evidence of the fact that they DO NOT even use her car seat when they take her out sometimes in the car.

Clearly this isn't acceptable at all and quite frankly I'm starting to worry about them not using it. They've hidden this from our daughters dad on occasions too, and I had to be the one to tell him it's happened a few times before as they are very secretive people (they make my skin crawl tbh!) when hes not been aware of this happening.
Because our daughter lives with her dad, basically I'm wondering if and when I report this, will remove her and bar my family from taking care of her from now on? And will she stay under the care of her dad? Or is there a chance they could attempt to take her away from us completely?

I've been there on occasions when it's happened and been powerless to do anything about it, as I have to be supervised by someone when I'm with my daughter and it could be a family member or official.

I know that alot of you by now are probably wondering why haven't I even attempted to stay in my mother's house for the day with my daughter (obviously because its safer than her not using the car seat. I know it's there for her safety) but the truth is they would probably call the police on me for refusing to let her go out with them.

My daughter isn't allowed to return home with me, she lives between her dad's home, (probably stays at mother's house some nights) and stays with some of his family.

My mother often argues that that's her day with my daughter, and now so does my daughters dad. They have frequently given me excuse after excuse not to bring my daughter to come our house to see me. Her dad will (even when it's breaking the court orders. Yes, we've been in court since June 2018) offer to bring her over like he did yesterday, but then throw some real fucking shitty excuse in my face like due to the fact that we argued yesterday, he's refusing to bring her over today.

He also judges my mood a lot, despite the fact that he isn't a phycatrist and a mental health practitioner and he thinks if I'm a low mood then he'll basically refuse to bring my daughter over to see me. It's hurts so much not being able to see her often, and especially when I get a bunch of excuses thrown my way.

I promise I'll come back and explain the full story as I realise its relivant to what I'm asking here and after reading this, people will want to understand my/our circumstances more, plus I'd like more advice from you mummy's anyway as I'm guessing you have enough experience to do so.

So are you due to see your daughter today?

I'd just remind the dad to make sure car seats are used and then bring it up with your social worker tomorrow. After all, if dad has custody then it's his responsibility to make sure she is safe.

The court order is a different issue.

If you really want to protect your daughter though, you need to work with social services to be in a position where you can have custody.

Without knowing your backstory, I think you should. Social services etc are there to support your child's best interests, and those are NOT being met if she's not safe, which she isn't if being driven without a car seat.

I think if it comes to light later and they found out you were aware and said nothing, that would be worse. Being open is the best route.

Just my opinion though, I have no experience of similar sorry!

The car seat is really bad but it is clear that there are many more things happening here so I think it would be impossible to advise.

You could call 101 and report the car reg and tell them you've seen a baby without a car seat?

Your daughter's safety is THE most important thing here and social services are there to ensure that. Yes, I would tell them my concerns

I have to be honest my ex had mh problems and reading your post sounds like you do too.

Yes remind him to get them to use car seat but do focus on how you can get well to put yourself in a position of having some say.

Leaving my Ds with ex when he didn’t look well despite his mum supervising was awful . I was anxious the whole time.

Thank you everyone so far.

I've known when writing this this morning that it's the right thing to do, but have always been fearful of social services becoming involved in our lives.

My sister basically used to threaten me alot during my pregnancy with having my daughter taken off me, handed over to her care, because she deserves so much better etc.

I will admit that I was a smoker when pregnant and still am, but she doesn't not understand how an addiction works. Like taking to a brick wall really!

Anyway, they thought I wasn't going to be capable of looking after her, which I am. I did it from birth with her, until she was five months old..

Like I said I'll explain more after I've made this call today.

Don’t get emotional on the phone. Be factual and brief. Just say you are concerned and could they look into it please.

Hey OP

It sounds like difficult situations all around. Regardless if your fear of social services, they are now involved and you need to work WITH them.

Please do call them today and explain everything you’ve said above (without the he said/she said) elements- that you are aware that your mother drives without a car seat for your baby, you have photographic evidence, she has her today and you are concerned she is going to do it today.

I hope that you get whatever support you need to get yourself back into a position where you are responsible for your daughter more

I nearly reported a parent at school for not using a seatbelt for a child. Am the DSL , if I see it again then I will. Have discussed it with parents twice already

It clearly meets the criteria of endangering the child knowingly

Bishalisha and ignoramusgiganticus

Thank you both. I will call them right now, the longer I leave it the more I'll worry and to be totally honest, the more at risk she is with them! I absolutely hate them for this, and many other reasons. So many reasons to cut contact with them. Best thing I ever did!

Anyway carline is my social social services, time to make the call. Thanks for your support everyone so far!

Surely social services are already involved if you're not permitted unsupervised contact with your child currently.

So I've just spoken to care line and they told me that I will have to call the police to get them to go round there and investigate further as its a criminal offence. I knew this anyway and what worrys me the most is that as someone said before, it endangers her life knowingly and deliberately!! I fucking hate them. Calling the police right now.

Speciallittleprince,

Her dad did try and get them involved in the beginning because of his concerns for my mental health (I have depression. Medicated, accepting help and open to a full phycatratic assessment as offered and encouraged by others) but in the end they didn't because he decided to take of her instead.

Op .

I do know a child who died not strapped in properly and in a crash.

I cannot work out if you are been completely manipulated by everyone around or are a danger to your child but do please speak to someone independently of your family.

Smoking during pregnancy is not great but doesn’t mean you loose your child. Depression alone does not mean you loose your child. My ex though did take an overdose while looking after my dc and he wasn’t allowed to be unsupervised then .

That's horrific. That poor child's parents and poor baby!! This is exactly what I don't want to happen with my daughter!

I don't know if I'm being paranoid or not but I feel like I am being manipulated in a way because my past is constantly being throw back in my face.

I'm going to explain now what started all of this off to begin with.
When our daughter turned 5 months old, I began to struggle with her needs changing. She cried alot most days, and I just put it down to her feeling hungry and needing a bottle of milk and her possibly teething.

I did everything I could think of to comfort her. I gave her cuddles, showed her lots of affection.
I went through a checklist everytime in my head and out loud about what she might be needing. Did her nappy need changing? I'd check and change it appropriately if it needed it. Did she need soothing in order to take a nap? If so then I'd gently try to sooth her by shushing her gently and stroke her hair and face to try and help relax her. Did she need more milk? And so on..

In the end around 6 months I started to give her Ashton and parsons powder for teething babies, as recommended by my sister and that helped her settle before bed, because she'd cry when I put her in her cot. I gave it to her when she'd cry and it seemed to help. She sleeps right though.

One day I decided to leave her in her bouncer downstairs because she'd cried on all day and I text her dad by the evening saying that she was staying in her bouncer for the night because I needed sleep. The bouncer by the way is one that she sat in (I don't have it anymore, gave it away because she's grown out of it) and it had a "lie down" feature, we're you could push the leaver underneath the seat and then rock the bouner with your foot, hand, whatever.

Anyway I made sure she was bottle fed and that I'd changed her into her pj's, made she sure she had a clean nappy etc and strapped her in. I put a blanket over her lower half, tucked it in so she was warm and then went upstairs to my own bed to sleep.

I admit that I should of taken her in the fist place upstairs to her cot but I thought she looked comfortable in there.

My family have always critized me from day one for my "bad parenting." I got up each night with her in her earlier months, to feed, soothe and just do all of the normal things that a mum should for her baby. I was living at my mother's house at this time and I've since moved out. My mum used to come in and offer to help take care of her which I would accept sometimes.

They've always thrown it by in my face now that I'm not there to take care of her. They say things like "she's your daughter" "you should be here taking care of her" "this is all your fault, you shouldn't of did what you did" which I agree with, but how can I care for her and be there for her properly if I can't bring her back to to her home with me?
They offer me to come and visit my daughter at my mums house (my sister and mother live together) but because of all of the remarks made and the fact that I'm constantly reminded of my mistake, my anxiety levels just go through the roof when I think of visiting because I know it's going to be the same hostile environment as its always been growing up. I worry for how much time my daughter spends there. I worry that she wonders where I am or who I am sometimes.

My sister takes care of her of a Monday, and Wednesday I think. Then I don't know who she's with in regards to her dad's family though the week. As far as I know she returns to his home with his mum each night but I do know that mother has cot at her house for her and eve thing else.

Her dad did start letting her stay with me through the daytime but It stopped when I got in back in touch with an old school boyfriend. (I am interested in him again, and no it's not to get at her dad!)

I don't want to be with her dad anymore for the amount of excuses he's using against to sabatage our relationship as mother and daughter, including that one about possibly having a relationship with someone else.

He only recently agreed to supervised access because "he felt bad" (what a load of bollocks!) about previously arguing that that's his day with her. (fair enough, he works through the week) I could take care of my daughter for 3 or 4 days of the week like it was previously. We used to have an unofficial shared agreement in place (with court involvement) where we'd divide the week up and do it that way.

Since I've mentioned not wanting a relationship with him any longer, all this controlling behaviour (like saying I won't be seeing my daughter a certain day if he doesn't get to meet my ex from school first) has come about, and it just making me not want to be with him anymore. He's just showing his true colours now.

Regarding the courts. Her dad has a CAO (Child Arrangements Order) out against me that she is to live with him and not to be removed from his care or control.

This is why she can't live with me atm, but caffcass are involved and have agreed to pay for supervised contact with her (6 sessions, 1 day a week for 2 hours! I want much more time than that!).

I recently completed a 5 week CBT group
therapy course which Ive been discharged from (evidence also to prove it) as they believe I'm in recovery. I have an appointment coming up to have a review of my medication (and get some more in the meantime) and I'm quite openly agreeing to a phycatrists assessment of my mental health.

I want to get joint custody of my daughter and have as little possibile contact with her dad from now from on.

Amy advice anyone? I just can't wait for the day I bring her back home with me

There is still nothing here that suggests she should not be in your care.

I think you are going to have to jump through some hoops here.

I also you stop telling them everything you are doing . Unless previous boyfriend is abusive, criminal, drug taker it is none of his business. However that said I would not be entering into a relationship with anyone at this point . Focus in getting yourself in the best position to prove you are a good mum.

Get yourself out exercising , it is really good for depression. Take any opportunity for contact but don’t share all your worries with anyone who doesn’t have faith in you or may be reporting to ex

Just so I understand properly, she was taken off you and you’re allowed supervised contact only because you left her to sleep in her bouncer?

Did she come to some harm when you left her that night. Not a good idea certainly but again I can't see why they would take her from you unless something's happened?
I would report the lack of car seat usage yes, it's dangerous and stupid behaviour on their part. Surely common sense should dictate you don't leave a child unrestrained?? Clearly not in some cases... I bet they'd put a seatbelt on a big glass vase. Surely she is more precious? I feel very angry about that on your behalf. Hopefully the police could give them a wake up call before harm occurs.

Sorry OP, can you go into more detail regarding why your daughter was removed from your care? I imagine there is more to it than her sleeping downstairs in a bouncer as a one off.

Of course your daughter shouldn't be in a car without a car seat but it's clear there's a lot more going on here.

Something’s missing here...ll

Who is it that actually says you are only allowed supervised contact with your daughter?

Unless there is something else going on which you are not telling us then it would be unusual for social services to ban unsupervised contact because a baby slept in a bouncy chair overnight - I know that you weren't in the room with her but many babies sleep in a different room from their parents.

Whilst i applaud your honesty op, there is much more to this surely? Kids are being left in pretty shitty situations and your dd was removed over the bouncer issue? It doesn't make sense...

Who removed your daughter from your care? Social services? Her dad?

However that said I would not be entering into a relationship with anyone at this point

This ^^ whilst it might seem unfair you have to put your relationships on hold because of an ex and you may be thinking ‘who should I have to?’ Please please please forget about any romantic involvement with anyone for the time being. It will probably just be used as another stick to beat you with. You need to be, and appearing to be focusing 100% on your daughter, your mental health and sorting this situation out.

Hi everyone,

Those of you that are saying that there is more to this story than I'm letting on, you are right. however, looking back at my big long posts, I've decided to try and break it down so it's easier for you to digest and understand.

So before I let my daughter sleep downstairs in a bouncer, I met up with someone I didn't know on the the Internet and I started to smoke cannabis. We smoked it together on two weekends when my daughter was in his care at his address (the arrangements for our daughter was that of I had her from Mon-Thurs daytime and overnight, and then her dad from Thurs-Sun day time and overnight).

This contributed to the build up for him taking me to court. I also wanted to introduce my daughter to said person within a very short time period (about a week after getting to know him, I think). And understandably, her dad was not okay with this. He came to the house and took her from my care.

Whilst I totally agree with all of you saying that I should focus on my daughter and not another relationship I think he's realising now that I won't put up with his flaky behaviour (he still behaves like this today). Basically he told me at the beginning that he wanted an abortion, then he wasn't sure if he wanted to be a part of our lives (he would tell me he wanted to be with me one minute, then text me and go back on his decision saying he didn't, wasn't sure etc). He also said he wasn't sure if our daughter was his, and I was absolutely sure the whole way through that she was. His mother paid for a DNA test, and of course, as I knew it would, it came back that she rely is his daughter.

From them on he's been a very good father to our daughter, completely committed to her, just messing me around. Asking to sleep with me, I'd agree, we'd do it and then he didn't want anything to do with me after it'd happened. I'm sick and tired of it all now and don't want to be with him anymore.

I'm sorry but I still feel like there is more to the story. I can't believe you would have a child taken off you for smoking weed when she isn't in your care and introducing her to an ex boyfriend. That doesn't warrant a child to be taken away from their mother.