Very important/urgent! Please read!

[Didydani]

Hi everyone,

I'm completely new to the forums and I've seen plenty of people supporting each other, giving advice etc and wondered if you could do the same for me.

I have a fairly quick question to ask and I need it answered ASAP really.

Should I call social services today? My little girl (who turns 1 this Dec) is due to visit my mother's house, where my sister and my nephew also live.

I've recently acquired photographic evidence of the fact that they DO NOT even use her car seat when they take her out sometimes in the car.

Clearly this isn't acceptable at all and quite frankly I'm starting to worry about them not using it. They've hidden this from our daughters dad on occasions too, and I had to be the one to tell him it's happened a few times before as they are very secretive people (they make my skin crawl tbh!) when hes not been aware of this happening.
Because our daughter lives with her dad, basically I'm wondering if and when I report this, will remove her and bar my family from taking care of her from now on? And will she stay under the care of her dad? Or is there a chance they could attempt to take her away from us completely?

I've been there on occasions when it's happened and been powerless to do anything about it, as I have to be supervised by someone when I'm with my daughter and it could be a family member or official.

I know that alot of you by now are probably wondering why haven't I even attempted to stay in my mother's house for the day with my daughter (obviously because its safer than her not using the car seat. I know it's there for her safety) but the truth is they would probably call the police on me for refusing to let her go out with them.

My daughter isn't allowed to return home with me, she lives between her dad's home, (probably stays at mother's house some nights) and stays with some of his family.

My mother often argues that that's her day with my daughter, and now so does my daughters dad. They have frequently given me excuse after excuse not to bring my daughter to come our house to see me. Her dad will (even when it's breaking the court orders. Yes, we've been in court since June 2018) offer to bring her over like he did yesterday, but then throw some real fucking shitty excuse in my face like due to the fact that we argued yesterday, he's refusing to bring her over today.

He also judges my mood a lot, despite the fact that he isn't a phycatrist and a mental health practitioner and he thinks if I'm a low mood then he'll basically refuse to bring my daughter over to see me. It's hurts so much not being able to see her often, and especially when I get a bunch of excuses thrown my way.

I promise I'll come back and explain the full story as I realise its relivant to what I'm asking here and after reading this, people will want to understand my/our circumstances more, plus I'd like more advice from you mummy's anyway as I'm guessing you have enough experience to do so.

Bishalisha, as I mentioned earlier on (not sure if you saw it though so no worries) I've had an appointment with my GP, hoping he'll give me a referral to the NHS, who can full assess my mental health through a phycatrist.

And yes it was her dad who removed her, with the help of the police.

Brizzledrizzle. Her dad tells me that I can only have supervised contact, and I've had an offer and accepted it from Caffcass.

5BlueHydrangea - no she didn't come to any harm, luckily enough. She awoke as usual in the morning and yeah that's exactly the kind of people they are! My mums house is full of stuff like that. She'll make sure to put it in car carefully as labelled "handle with care" but nevermind my fucking daughter hey. They absolutely discust me!!

I called her this afternoon to check if she was out anywhere and had she used to the car seat. She said she was at ASDA and that she did. Thankfully!!!!

Agree with the above. My close family member is a child protection social worker and has just read this thread and said the issues outlined would generally not result in a mother losing the care of their child.

Soydora,

Okay fair enough, but those are they reasons I was told by her dad. That's it because of my mental health problems, smoking cannabis and leaving her to sleep in the bouncer.

I should mention that after I was out shopping with her at ASDA, I attempted to take my daughter home and locked myself in. That's when my mum turned up at my address, saying that If I didn't open the door she would call my daughters dad and the police. Which they did and had her removed from my care and into his.

I was afraid of this happening again. It completely destroyed me. I was terrified and ran away with her to Wales in a womens refuge for one night and being expected to return home to my mums house with her. Eventually I did return home at like 2am in morning. They kept calling me telling me the police would find me and they would section me if I didn't come home. My mum and my sister came to collect myself and my daughter.

The whole reason I ran off to Wales like that was because I was missing and still do miss my daughter living with me so much. I realise all of my mistakes and just want to resolve this whole thing

Were you using drugs whilst caring for your daughter? Did your new boyfriend have a criminal record?

Sorry cross-post

Jeanpaggett, if you mean was I smoking it around her then no. Only on those weekends she was in her dad's care. I don't smoke it anymore, not even interested in it anymore. I have a urine sample to prove that in not using it.

And no, not that I was aware of.

So you were in a relationship with a fellow addict and ran away with her when you knew there were restrictions in place. Were you under the influence when you left her alone in her bouncer overnight? Did something happen to her that resulted in her being removed from your care with supervised access only?

What do SS say you need to do in order to demonstrate that your lifestyle is under control and your dd's health and wellbeing is your priority? What your ex says is not necessarily the same thing. Getting into another relationship is not likely to be a positive move.

OP, are not at all concerned about how outing this thread now is?
I'd be asking for it to be removed if I were you, it's not going to do you much good if you want your daughter returned to your care - though from what you have said I think that's probably unlikely because there is obviously more going on than we know - or are entitled to know.

LIZS,

No we weren't anywhere near in a relationship together. If you mean did we (me me daughter and the other guy) run away to Wales together then no. I did, with me just me and my daughter.

I've learnt that cannabis can stay in your system for up to 28days so it's likely I was still under the influence at the time I did it, however I just wasn't smoking it around her. Only ever on the two weekends I spent at his house.

No, she came to no physical harm if that's what you mean but it does have a tick next to the "physical" box on paperwork. I questioned her dad about this because I wasn't sure what it meant either and he said it's considered neglect.

Well social services don't know about all of this, I don't think (her dad has family who work in social care/services) and he did call them when all of this was happening, but because he's taking care of her now, they didn't become involved.

I am open to being assessed by them if nessary and see what they think in regards to me being capable to raising her and taking care of her. But I already know what I need to do. Get help with my depression, get my mental health assessment, focus on finding work and most importantly focus on getting my daughter back

Brizzledrizzle no, because I plan to stay where I live now. I plan to resolve the mistakes I've made, to continue not doing a runner again, to rebuilding our trust as parents with other (even if we aren't together).

I've come on here looking and seeking advice for how to better my circumstances for both myself and daughter, not to run away or hide things anymore.

I am a social worker and nothing you have said so far would lead me to think SS would remove your child and only offer you supervised contact. Something you did must have been putting her at a high level of risk. Was your DD failing to thrive, was your home dirty, cold, was your new boyfriend considered a high risk, any addiction concerns? There really needs to be more to this story.

All that does not take away from the car seat issue. That needs to be resolved.

Are you suggesting this is an informal arrangement without ss involvement? That it is your ex who is making rules about who sees her under what supervision? How did anyone learn about your dd being left in her rocker if you had split up?

If SS aren’t involved, who is ruling that your DD must live with her DF? Who is saying contact must be supervised? Have you been to court?

If your ex has a CAO presumably the issue of how your dd was removed from your care would have been addressed as part of the CAO process?

is this just get father and your family doing this with no legal say so? Social services havnt been involved ? If so then is this just get father who is stopping you seeing her and making up all these rules but no body official has decided anything ?

LIZS, he called social services about me using cannabis, about leaving her in the bouncer, about the man I was smoking cannibis with. Her dad said I was neglecting our daughter by leaving her to sleep in bouncer.

After all that, he attempted to get them (social services) involved. Failing that (because he'd taken her to live with him we don't live far from each other either. We are in the same city*) and because I told him we might not get her back if he did that, social services turned around and said we won't be getting involved then. I don't know how I can put this clearer to anyone.

After I left to go to Wales, then he went to court over it with me, to prevent me leaving again. Since june/July 2018, I've had letters from the court and his solicitor to say that

1. I am only to have supervised contact with our daughter. Supervised either by my shitty mother and sister who don't give two hoots about anyone but themselves clearly (car seat incident!)

or that

1. I can have contact (through the assistance of caffcass) with my daughter in a contact centre, which I'd take any day rather than having to go and visit them.

Of course I want joint custody, me and her dad have agreed that that's our end goal once the courts, caffcass, the mental health professionals etc have done they're checks on me to see if they think I'm capable of caring for her, keeping her safe.

ApolloandDaphne her dad knew about it because I text him the night I did it. We kept in touch nearly all the time over our daughter, despite not being in relationship together or living together. We'd try and help each other out

*post edited by MNHQ to delete identifying information.

Sleepyhead 1,

Yeah pretty much. The courts, his solicitor and caffcass did not have any involvement during the time he actually took her. They only became involved/aware of our circumstances until he applied for all of this

You sound vulnerable, and your ex , and possibly family, controlling and abusive. They are exploiting your insecurities. Did you have any legal representation? Tbh it sounds as if you should seek independent legal advice and emotional support. Perhaps Womens' Aid could signpost you to an appropriate organisation locally.

Btw you may wish to ask mnhq to edit your dd's name out as this is increasingly identifying on a public forum.

You sound incredibly vulnerable and also don't sound like you have anyone in RL supporting you.

Are you quite young OP? Do you have any friends to turn to for support?

Although I agree with PP that this does not entirely make a lot of sense but I am gathering your EX has just taken control of your child (with your families support) and I think I've read correctly and understood that involvement from SS, court etc came later?

do you have a solicitor ? please take legal advise this just seems awful that he has just taken her and is dictating to you when you can see her and it must be supervised when no one official is saying this

LIZS, I totally get what you're saying. I don't know what to believe with them sometimes. I get paranoid which in itself tells me something. Sets off alarm bells.

No I didn't have legal repsentation and I'm still considering counselling. I actually can't afford legal repsentation either. I'm unemployed, any money I get has to go towards me and my daughter, our household, food etc. I'm still searching for work though.

How do i/what page do I go to, to get her name edited out please? I've only just noticed that ive included it, shit!

How ever, me and her dad have been talking tonight and as it's turned out, he's already bought her a brand new cot (i was planning on buying her one once I have the money this month) for our house where I live. So, it seems like he genuinely does want her to return to me after all. Was not expecting him to tell me that tbh. Little taken aback

Alaria4,

Fairly young (26), first time I've become a parent. I do have one consistent friend who has been supportive of me and who now knows about the case. She's urged me to get legal aid too, but honestly I don't think I'll get it if I cant pay up.

It's sounding quite positive tbh. Him buying a cot for her at my place. He also said that he always wants me to be involved with her through her life and that he wants me to get better/well with my depression.

Yeah I think it's fair to say that he didn't have their support in the beginning, but he knows alot about my family and they I've been treated by them in the past.

I think learning about the car seat incident has made him realise though (since I pushed him to pay attention to it and what they're doing when we aren't there) and wake up abit more as to how secretive they can be. He thanked me for making him aware of it, and for reporting it to the police and social services. I told him at least now they have it logged on the system, you know a record of it

Sorry but I would not trust him. He has colluded with your family to limit your access to your baby. He must have spent a fair amount on this plan. Are you entitled to Legal Aid or could you visit CAB? If you have mh issues there may be a charity with an advocacy service.
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I do not trust him 100% and agree with you to a point. I'm aware of how he's basically paid his solicitor to limit things, but I'm absolutely determined to prove to courts that I'm able and capable (despite any mental illness) that I can take care of her.

I do get paranoid alot lately and I believe it because 1. I agree with being aware of the bigger picture them maintaining and watching control over us, me and my daughter) and because I want to believe him.

It's good that he's actually agreeing to joint custody though. I know caffcass to reckonize me as a responsible and able mother though in order to get the joint custody. I think thats what will show the courts that I'm able, despite with my family or he says

Also sorry for the spelling mistakes! I either type far to fast or its fucking autocorrect