I hate being a mum

[30GoingOn13]

My DD is 5 weeks old and so far I hate being a mum. My daughter is, for the most part, a delight. She is sleeping well, feeding well and generally well behaved. But I have yet to take a single day of enjoyment from her. I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel with no way of ever getting off. I’m breastfeeding and it sucks. It hurts, she is cluster feeding and having regular grow spurts and sometimes I just want her to leave me alone. I have no time to myself. I am with her 24/7 and it’s driving me mad. When she cries or wants something it’s always when I’m in the middle of doing something for me, like showering or attempting to put my make up on, so I can feel at least a bit human and not look like a sack of shit. I’ve shouted back at her when she cries and have put her down roughly a few times. Honestly I just want her to leave me alone. Some days I’m good and I can get up, shower and take on the day. Other days I can’t get out of bed and dread a day filled with just looking after her and being a slave to her every need. I feel trapped. I feel like this will never end. I miss my husband. I miss my dogs. I miss my old life. I’m fat and insecure. None of my old clothes fit. I feel like my life is ruined. I take no pleasure in anything any more. I’m just here to feed and change her. My husband and I are arguing already and she is only 5 weeks. What will happen when she is 5 months, 5 years? I am dreading it. Everything is so bloody difficult now, even the most simple of tasks and it’s driving me mad. None of this is fun. I just want out and I want my life back. What the hell do I do?

Ok, in all honesty it gets easier. So when 6ou day what happens in 5 months, 5 years....it gets easier then, that's what. Although each stage brings it's own challenges I promise you 5 year olds are much easier than 5 week olds. Having your first baby is like a bomb going off in your life. Everything is different. A lot of the way you're feeling is familiar to mums, saying that I would be concerned about you putting her own roughly, and you do sound like you could do with talking things over with your GP. PND is very common, and if you do have it you can get help.

I breastfed 2/3 of my kids, but if you feel like it's really taking it out if you (totally understandable) then consider FF so your DH/family/friends can help with feeds. Be kind to yourself.xx

It's not a great age IMO. You won't believe me but it will get less intense and hopefully over the next few weeks your LO will start smiling and looking pleased to see you.

I struggled with cluster feeding, made me feel like a human dialysis machine being stuck on the sofa but it will eventually improve.

Is there anyone who could take her for a walk between feeds?

Oh OP this is the hardest stage. You life changed very suddenly 5 weeks ago!

This stage is about napping and feeding (you and the baby).
I found around 3 months was the golden time, when you're used to each other and they get all chubby and smiley

Also don't feel worried about asking you HV for more support

Get support.
I found it bloody awful.
Me and my partner nearly split up during the first year. Many times.
We rarely went out without baby..when we did, i felt like me, free again. This made me feel guilty though. Then cross because i wanted longer but her dad wanted to see her.
God, it was fucking awful, so dark.
It got better when she started nursery, better at primary, great at high school so far, it's year 7.
You will eventually be able to breathe again. Honest.

I have a great support network, but I still feel very alone and like I should be doing it all myself, otherwise I’m failing.

Try and get out and go to groups if you can - at least you get some adult company and you feel like you do something productive with your day! They save me. My DH is away mon - fri, only comes home Friday night and my baby is 10mo so i understand the loneliness

You're not failing. You're learning a new and important job. Be a little kinder to yourself. Just cover the basics right now, baby fed, clean, warm, clothed and safe. You, fed, sleep when baby sleeps (it will get better).
Scale things back, reduce your tidiness and control expectations. All the balls are in the air at once, some you'll catch, some you'll drop.
Just be sure to catch the important, basic ones.
You'll question and doubt yourself...trust yourself.
If the crying is too much, put baby in cot, step away, cry if u want, have a cuppa or a cig (outside) if you smoke.
One day at a time. You will look back one day and be so proud. Honest x x

The first 6 months as a first time new mum was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was HARD. The one thing that kept me sane was the voices of reason from the Internet forums I frequented constantly reminding me that 'this too shall pass'

It can be rough but it definitely gets better. Hang in there. Xxx

Honestly, I could've written your post a few months ago.
I felt like I'd made a massive mistake, and I wanted my life back. I agree with what kemer said, childfree times made me feel like me again, and I loved them.

I went to my gp and spoke to them, they gave me advice and coping strategies. I told my partner how I was feeling and he got family and friends to help. I felt the same as you about feeling like I should be doing it alone else I was failing. It was much easier when people offered to help instead of having to ask.
I also stopped breastfeeding. I felt guilty about it at first, but honestly, my relationship with my child improved by a million fold within days. I felt less like a cow, more like me. My partner could help with feeds, dc settled for a lot longer on the formula, slept better, all sorts.

Then within a couple of weeks dc started smiling at me, then looking around the room for me, giggling, all sorts. And it got better. Yes it's still hard, but every day is easier and I do like being a mum now.

I think it's hard to admit it irl, because you're "supposed" to love it. People don't talk about hating it so you feel alone when you really aren't.

It will get better I promise don’t dispair!! I have 2 kids and both are delights but it was challenging to begin with. If you want to have more though I recommend u get in quickly now because soon they will be walking and talking and before you know it they walk in on you doing the deed and have to improvise some interesting explanations such as I was trying to catch a fly on the wall or on the bed your choice

Unless you live babies that age is really really difficult. The first thing is will say to you is that you don't have to breastfeed. I know there is a lot of pressure but if it hurts I would civsider bottle feeding instead. This will also be beneficial in that your dh/family can take her fir a bit while you get some time to yourself.

The second thing I would suggest is baby wearing. Buggies can be bulky and difficult. Baby wearing means that you will be able to go out more easily. Especially if you have dogs to walk.

You can also get Netflix etc on TV now which us good if you are breastfeeding

Oh OP please don’t feel like by asking for help your failing. There are cultures that raise children in big groups, all the women take turns and share the load so why can’t we? We put so much pressure on ourselves as women we literally have one pair of hands and cannot do everything. Would you consider introducing formula ? Even for one or two feeds a day to simply give you a rest. Perhaps a family member could take the baby for a walk and take a bottle then if she’s hungry she can be fed and you can have a little time to shower and sort yourself out and feel like you again.
Does your DH have a day off at the weekend? If so maybe go out for a walk give him the baby to either carry in a sling or push in the pram and you have the dogs (I know this is weather depending) it seems it would do you good to get a little normality back in your life even if just for the odd day.
Groups would be good, your not alone in how your feeling so a baby group may just help you see that it.

Have you talked to anyone in real life about your feelings? If not you probably should it won’t do any good to keep your feelings bottled up.

Please speak to your GP/HV, partner and your family. It is very hard breastfeeding a young baby - I didn't enjoy that stage and I remember feeling I was on a hamster wheel/treadmill. Looking back I think I had PND.
Please ask for help and stop breastfeeding if it helps you feel better.....

Breastfeeding shouldnt hurt after a week or so.
The latch could be wrong, i would seek support from your health visitor. When right, breastfeeding is easy. It took me 2 gos.
Babies are boring and hard work. It isnt you i promise xx

Having a newborn can be very isolating and hard at times. Personally I would switch to FF. The benefits of BF are massively outweighed by the benefits of having a more well rested, less depressed mum. Maybe a drs appointment would help too.

Honestly, I could've written your post a few months ago.
I felt like I'd made a massive mistake, and I wanted my life back. I agree with what kemer said, childfree times made me feel like me again, and I loved them.

I went to my gp and spoke to them, they gave me advice and coping strategies. I told my partner how I was feeling and he got family and friends to help. I felt the same as you about feeling like I should be doing it alone else I was failing. It was much easier when people offered to help instead of having to ask.
I also stopped breastfeeding. I felt guilty about it at first, but honestly, my relationship with my child improved by a million fold within days. I felt less like a cow, more like me. My partner could help with feeds, dc settled for a lot longer on the formula, slept better, all sorts.

Then within a couple of weeks dc started smiling at me, then looking around the room for me, giggling, all sorts. And it got better. Yes it's still hard, but every day is easier and I do like being a mum now.

I think it's hard to admit it irl, because you're "supposed" to love it. People don't talk about hating it so you feel alone when you really aren't.

It is hard age. I forgot what deodorant for until my DS was 1 year old

Breastfeeding was very painful but remember it is helping you to get back in shape.

Life is more enjoyable when kids are older

In a couple of weeks she will start smiling at you. I found that transformative. The other thing that will happen is that bf will become much more comfortable and easy.
My suggestions are:
Get a wrap sling. Comfy to wear and nice for her too. I don't quite buy the MN line that you can do all the daily stuff while the baby is in a sling, but you can certainly walk the dogs.
Get the baby taking a bottle of either formula or expressed milk once a day. It's a good skill, it's the right time imo to learn it, and it will free you up.
Remember we all felt a bit like this. But if it's severe, talk to your doctor.

My kids are bigger now but I felt a lot like this when my eldest was a baby. I had PND. Not saying you do, but a word with your GP or HV would maybe be wise.

I found the first year after having our first really tough on my relationship. For 2 pins I’d have told my husband to fuck off (and meant it) many a time.

I used to go to the shops and see people pushing prams and laughing and thinking “how can they laugh? I’ve ruined my life. I’ll never laugh again”.

But I did, and so will you x

I was just like you. It got so much better. 8 years on he's my best friend and favourite person in the world! I promise you, it gets better

Linnie444 think you’ve posted on the wrong thread ?! 🤨

I’ve tried her in formula a few times when I’ve had enough and she has just thrown it back up again. Plus my husband isn’t keen on giving her formula. So breastfeeding it is! I am expressing so have given her a bottle of that from time to time but only as a last resort when she won’t go to sleep.

Thanks for the reassuring comments everyone, really appreciate it. Its good to hear I’m not alone in my feelings and that it will get better. I just need to get through each day I guess. X

What sort of bottle? Could it be too fast flowing?