I hate being a mum

[30GoingOn13]

My DD is 5 weeks old and so far I hate being a mum. My daughter is, for the most part, a delight. She is sleeping well, feeding well and generally well behaved. But I have yet to take a single day of enjoyment from her. I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel with no way of ever getting off. I’m breastfeeding and it sucks. It hurts, she is cluster feeding and having regular grow spurts and sometimes I just want her to leave me alone. I have no time to myself. I am with her 24/7 and it’s driving me mad. When she cries or wants something it’s always when I’m in the middle of doing something for me, like showering or attempting to put my make up on, so I can feel at least a bit human and not look like a sack of shit. I’ve shouted back at her when she cries and have put her down roughly a few times. Honestly I just want her to leave me alone. Some days I’m good and I can get up, shower and take on the day. Other days I can’t get out of bed and dread a day filled with just looking after her and being a slave to her every need. I feel trapped. I feel like this will never end. I miss my husband. I miss my dogs. I miss my old life. I’m fat and insecure. None of my old clothes fit. I feel like my life is ruined. I take no pleasure in anything any more. I’m just here to feed and change her. My husband and I are arguing already and she is only 5 weeks. What will happen when she is 5 months, 5 years? I am dreading it. Everything is so bloody difficult now, even the most simple of tasks and it’s driving me mad. None of this is fun. I just want out and I want my life back. What the hell do I do?

Please get some help and don't put your baby down roughly anymore
Try a different formula milk, your dh needs to support you in this as you are clearly struggling. If you don't want to bf then stop.

I felt the same. It gets easier hang in there, do what ever you need to do to survive (providing baby is safe). Put her in the pushchair and walk that fat off. Nothing anyone says will make it easier but you must believe us that this is normal to feel like that. I felt the same that my support network was there but no one seemed to help willingly and I then felt a burden. If she is generally settled go for walks with hubby in evening while she can sleep in pushchair. Go out for dinner and put her in car seat . SURVIVAL!!!

I felt the same as you did and I really think so many new mums do but few admit it. I felt like I was rubbish at all aspects of parenting with breastfeeding being unbelievably difficult for us. I felt not worthy of my lovely baby or partner (who in my view was winning at fatherhood) and that everyone knew I was doing a terrible job. In hindsight I should have sought professional support. Instead I made little targets each day whether that be a walk, visiting a relative or going to a group. I made new mum friends through a first time parent group and we have been on a terrifying and incredibly difficult journey together. But we are solid and support each other endlessly. I never expected to want to make new friends but it's been a blessing, they did not hold any expectation of me and it was liberating.

You are definitely doing better than you think, I promise. It's ok to not be ok. Sending love , strength and new mum solidarity xxx

Plus my husband isn’t keen on giving her formula. So breastfeeding it is!

To be clear, that isn't a good reason to keep breastfeeding. Unless you husband is planning on breastfeeding your baby himself, you are the one that gets to decide.

Totally your decision.

Honestly it gets better but you have to try and find sometime for you even in the early days if you can. I remember feeling exactly the same as you when Dc1 was tiny. And then again when I had Dc2. I've done things very differently with dc3 and I've asked for loads of help and made sure I find time for myself. Even if it's just half and hour when my dh comes in I'll go upstairs and ignore everything. Knowing I can have that time means I don't feel that 'trapped' feeling every day.

It really does get better op but the first few months really can feel like you're drowning.

If she's throwing up formula she could a have cows milk protein allergy (CMPA). My DD had this. It wasn't very severe, so it wasn't picked up while I was BFing, only when I went to give her formula for the first time. At 6mo. In hindsight I also think while it was undiagnosed it contributed to her being a "difficult baby". She cried a lot more than my first DC and hardly slept, I wonder now if it was partly down to her being uncomfortable/in pain due to dairy in my breast milk.

Hang in there, Op. I felt exactly like you do now for the first few weeks. It started getting better when she was 3 months and has continued to get better since. She’s now 2.5 and I love being a mum.

The first weeks are really shit though. But you will get through it to better times, I promise.

Try the bottle now and again in the daytime, when both of you are in better humour. Trying to feed an overtired baby in an unfamiliar way (ie bottle) doesn't help her to accept it. Experiment a bit: does she really throw up or just spit up a little? If it seems consistent then as pp says, it could be some sort of intolerance.

Also can I just say, if you want to breastfeed that's great you should persevere. But your dh doesn't get a say in it. Until he is the one with breast having to be in demand 24/7 it's not his decision. I tried breastfeeding Dc1 and I found it so painful but though I had failed if I didn't do it. I tried again with Dc2 and again I found it suffocating to be so needed. So with dc3 I decided straight away to bottle feed and I felt so much less pressured and it felt so freeing not to be the only one who could feed. I know lots of people love breastfeeding but it really wasn't for me because I found it too much. I'm a bloody good mother but it has taken years of being a parent to be able to realise that it's ok to say I need to be 'me' as well as mum and recognise that you can be a good mother but still ask for help and need time off from baby.

You really shouldn't be rough handling or shouting at your newborn baby. If you feel like you can't cope ASK for help, don't breastfeed try different milk see a doctor ask your health visitor, if you snap you could seriously hurt your child.... iv not left my daughter once in 2 years I don't wear make up every day and some days I want to pull my hair out but I'd never scream at her or 'put her down roughly' I'm not trying to judge or upset you but seriously she's 5 weeks old and if you like this now what are you going to be like in a few more weeks.

Eugh! You’re not alone. I found the first 3 months absolutely hideous. No time to shower, milk leaking everywhere, baby crying incessantly and literally unable to hear myself think....but it got better, it really did. Whereabouts in the country are you? There are loads of support groups around - even if you have family and friends close by, sometimes it’s hard to tell people who are cooing over your cute baby that you wish you could send them back.

Not diagnosing you with PND (it can be PND, it can also be that having a new baby is fucking hard), but there’s a fab #PNDchat on Twitter on Wednesday evenings. It definitely helped me see that a lot of my feelings around my changed body, relationship etc were very common.

I know I shouldn’t be shouting at her or getting mad at her. It’s not her fault. So I think I need to get some help for that as I’m genuinely worried I might hurt her, which obviously I don’t want. I’m just finding it all so difficult and all consuming.

I’m in Norfolk. There is a brilliant children’s centre down the road from me; I went to my first class today and it was a disaster. She just wanted to feed the whole time and missed the whole thing. I felt so angry. All the other babies and mums looked so in love and happy and I wanted to scream. My mum friends are so supportive and often invite me out but I get anxious about leaving the house in case it all goes wrong. Plus some days I just don’t want to see anyone!

Do you have a really close friend who could either come to your house for the day and sit with you help where she can or just be company and someone to make the cups of tea while your busy feeding? I did this for my breastfeeding friend a few times and she says it was a huge difference. She didn’t need to be showered or even out of her pjs I just sat there talking rubbish like we often do anyway and doing any little thing I could to help. She fell asleep so I covered her with a blanket and just sat there while she slept. No pressure to be up to anything I was simply company x

You are sounding more troubled the more you write. I think you should see your GP. You know those sort of classes are really just social for parents? No point being angry with a five week old infant for feeding.

@Linnie444 errrr?

Yeah I have a really good girlfriend who I know would do that for me. She’s been super supportive so I think I need to tap into that support a little more.

Do you have a breastfeeding group near you? I go to one were you can just chat and feed.

I don’t think either me nor her enjoyed the class. It’s so unfair for me to be angry at her, I know that. She’s an angel and I’m letting her down. I feel bloody awful. Will definitely see my GP / speak to my health visitor.

I was fairly indifferent to my DD till I gave up breast feeding at 7 weeks. Everything changed and I finally realised what this rush of love stuff was all about. I fucking hated breastfeeding.Unless your dh is breastfeeding, he can take his opinion and shove it. Try to get some time away for sanity. I will get better.

Get help, OP. You're doing great by admitting it but you do need help. You can't be rough with a five week old. She's going to smile at you any day and it will get easier...then she'll babble and it will get easier...

Mine is 8 months old and I love him but he’s taken over my life. I look after him 24/7. I have no hobbies any more and no nights out. I can’t even sit on the sofa in peace with a book or a movie. I’m constantly so tired that I can barely function My body is ruined, scarred and saggy. I’m fat and my clothes don’t fit. I have no interest in clothes or makeup any more because it’s like putting glitter on a turd.

The only way I’ve coped is by giving up. As long as you wish you could have fun, or go out, or look nice, or sleep, you’ll feel sad that you can’t. When you give up, you stop wishing and resign yourself to the drudgery that’s now your life. You don’t feel sad any more once you stop wishing for things you can’t have.

I felt like you so stopped bf and went back to work at four months part time. How much better everything was after that. They're teens now and no regrets.

Ah no. SpikyCactus, that doesn't need to be the way it is. Really. We can all still look nice and have fun and have a life outside of these babies! 30 hugs, it will get better but get some advice and help.

Ok I was where you were.

Can I share how I managed?

1- you don't not have to manage alone! Get all the help you can.
Looking after a little baby is very tiring and just so different to your pre baby life. It is an earthquake in your life.

2- breastfeeding. If it's still hurting at week 5 there is something not right. Could be an undiagnosed tongue tie (that was our problem)
Get yourself to your nearest and next bf cafe. You need a bf peer supporter or bf counsellor or lactation consultant. Anyone else is just going on what they did. Which might be helpful, but most likely they will tell you what to do. Whereas you need to be observed feeding and get help to improve the latch.

3- 5 weeks is bloody hard. At 6 weeks my dd reached to hold my finger and started smiling at me. Wow the difference it made was monumental. Just survive until you get some smiles X

4- ditch the baby groups til baby is at least 6 months old! Totally unnecessary to go. Plus EVERYBODY LIES. it's like some ridiculous competition if ones baby sleeps. It's not! It's luck of the draw.

5- survive. Just get through each day and trust me, some random mum on tinternet that it gets easier. "it's all a phase" the good and bad.

6- get a copy of the wonder weeks book. It's really helpful on mentally preparing for the difficult weeks, knowing an easier time is coming soon.

7- great big hugs! Having a baby is so difficult and so unsupported and most mums are so unprepared. Go easy on yourself. As long as you are both fed, washed and in clean clothes (pyjamas count) then that's a good day.

Keep posting for help X