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Parenting

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Original poster

Sick of hearing “ she’s just like her daddy “

70 replies

Flower08 · 06/09/2018 07:57

who also has their mother in law always saying "just like her daddy!" “ she looks like her dad so much when she does that “
“ oh look she’s got our sides forehead “
“ oh look she’s going to have our sharp nose “
Not mentioning nothing about me when I’m there... i feel like I’ve had nothing to do with her I know some things frustrate me about her but her hearts in right place I’m just sick of hearing it now. She looks like us both. For one her dad has big sticky out ears and my daughter doesn’t, he also had small eyes and my daughter has big eyes like me. Wish I could tell her to feck off without no comeback lol
Best thing is my mum who’s lovely and not intrusive says she’s spit of me as a baby and looks like my side 😂 what is it with our parents.

MIL will then go home and start sending me photos of my partner as a baby and my daughter doesn’t even look like him. It wouldn’t bother me if she did but it’s just annoying, she’s always offering to take her out too bring her to me!!! My baby is 6 weeks old and I won’t be leaving her with anyone at all as I’m not ready and I don’t need her help at the moment I’m enjoying spending time on maternity leave with my baby. Would this annoy anyone
Else ?

OP posts:

ASilhouetteAndNothingMore · 06/09/2018 08:00

Be greatful she wants to be involved. My in laws have seen my eldest about 4 times in 13 years and my 9 year old has never met them. I lost my mum 10 years ago and would love for my two to have their grandparents around.

WishUponAStar88 · 06/09/2018 08:01

I think you’re being a little over sensitive tbh. His mum will see the bits that are like her son as he’s hers and similarly your mum sees the similarities with you. I imagine this is part of a bigger picture but if this is the worst thing she does she’s not doing too badly!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/09/2018 08:05

I think you're being unreasonable - you even acknowledge that your mum says she looks like you but that's fine! - but I also think it's ok to be a bit unreasonable 6 weeks postpartum! And just tell her you won't be leaving the baby for quite a while yet - this'll be easier if you're willing to take the baby to see her sometimes (with you), but whether you want to do that depends on whether you find her just annoying (in which case I think you should do it for both DD and DP's sake) or actively undermining/nasty/etc, which is different. If the worst she's doing is burbling on about who the baby looks like then I'd just grit my teeth and get on with it.

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mimibunz · 06/09/2018 08:05

My dad actually said I’ve got big brown eyes like my maternal grandmother....completely ignoring that I got them from my mother. Weirdo.

inquiquotiokixul · 06/09/2018 08:06

Your MiL is just exhibiting a perfectly normal evolutionary trait which is built-in and instinctive in humans - and for good reason. Throughout human evolution and right up till the late 20th century the rates of death in childbirth for women have been huge. The survival of the species will often have required that relatives look after a child whose mother has died. The ability to spot and focus on the slightest family resemblance to ones own genes becomes a genetic survival trait. Babies do tend to "look like their dad" when they are young, because looking like your dad could mean life or death in a primitive society - but to their own mum they just look like themselves. That is also OK.

Don't worry about it. There will be bigger worries ahead. Now get some rest when you can and enjoy your little one.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 06/09/2018 08:06

I get this with my husband and DD and she’s not even his

emmaluggs · 06/09/2018 08:09

My MIL is the same, anything positive about the baby is because of my partner, not that she says anything negative. She also says ‘your daddy loves you so much’ and I retort with so does his mummy.

I guess the flip side is that my parents don’t come out with things like that, so I find it particularly grating from my MIL.

OzymandiasFanClub · 06/09/2018 08:10

@inquiquotiokixul love the evolutionary biology insight.
OP- sympathies, it does all sound rather irritating.

Coolaschmoola · 06/09/2018 08:10

I felt exactly the same when dd was a baby. Then it went away - even though she still looks like her dad.

I honestly think it was hormonal - it gave me the absolute rage at the time!

user1495884620 · 06/09/2018 08:13

It could be worse. "Where did she get those ears? They look a bit like the milkman's."

Cantcatchme · 06/09/2018 08:24

My in laws were obsessive when I had ds. Round my house every day. And it was all I heard he is so much like his daddy and they would sit there for hours reliving memories.
It was too much. Then I even had comments like does it bother you that ds looks so much like dh. It was like they were almost gloating about it. As if their side ‘won’ some kind of prize because he looked like them.

It used to give me absolute rage. I think it was hormonal in part. And it did settle down eventually, as my hormones did and as the novelty wore off for them.
But I have always said to myself that be will be so mindful of a future dils feelings if she has a baby. I won’t be in her face every two minutes and getting out the family album. Even if it isn’t intended to be hurtful your hormones can make even neutral comments seem as though people are having a go.
I think I will always try and balance it out. “Oh dgc looks so much like ds son when he was a baby, see this pic. But I suppose your mum says the same aswell we all recognise familiar characteristics”.

MrBeansXmasTurkey · 06/09/2018 08:26

Your MiL loves her son so any inherited traits will be positives to her. I think you should take the comments as compliments. You sound a bit negative about your dh with his sticky out ears and small eyes😂

CloudCaptain · 06/09/2018 08:31

My mum insists Ds2 looks like her dad (my Grandad). I just nod and smile. He looks nothing like him.
Most people comment they look like a random relative.
It's just nonsense, try to ignore.
I had offers to take the newborn to give me a break but I didn't want or need a break at that point.
No one offers once the kid starts talking and expressing their own opinions I find.

Original poster

Flower08 · 06/09/2018 08:36

Haha I’m not negative about his ears or eyes. Love him to pieces 💙

I’m different to most of you then cos hormonal or not I do find it irritating, even the 4d scan photo looked like him, I get she loves her son and is so excited but I also get me being annoyed at hearing it every time she is here. Even down to her sleeping habits!!! She takes after him according to MIL #yawn

OP posts:

Haworthia · 06/09/2018 08:39

My MIL went a bit crazy when DD was born, the first grandchild. I once piled up all the “Daddy” related merchandise she’d bought - t shirt after t shirt after t shirt, books, you name it I found it funny (DH hates that cutesy crap as well) but it did make me feel quite invisible as well. I’d also post photos on FB and she’d comment say “Ah, having fun with Daddy!” She was also really overbearing and loud when she visited, singing clapping and yelling. It drove me nuts.

Seven years on, she’s normal again. Partly because the golden grandchild is older and has no time for singing and clapping, and partly because she has a few other grandchildren.

JassyRadlett · 06/09/2018 08:40

Give her a smile and say ‘ah, my mum says exactly the same about our side of the family! I guess we all see what we’re looking for.’

Though with those sort of comments I tend to go with a safe ‘he looks like himself’ in a non-committal way.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/09/2018 08:40

One thing I've realised since having a baby is that you think at first that everyone - from your parents to random old women in the supermarket - wants to talk about your baby, and that that's why strangers keep talking to you - but they don't, not really, they want to talk about their own children as babies. Something about it brings out the nostalgia and every question is a segue back to their own ('is he sleeping? Mine didn't sleep until he was three/slept like an angel...'). I'm sure one day that'll be me and I'm trying to find it sweet not irritating!

mintich · 06/09/2018 08:41

I get that and yes it annoys me! I always reply that DD just looks like herself and she's an individual. People do look for traits they can claim

SassitudeandSparkle · 06/09/2018 08:42

I think all families look for their own traits in a baby I know I did with my nieces and nephews, I wanted them to look like my sisters and my own child looked very much like her dad so I heard it all the time, didn't mind though - quite the opposite tbh!

Do you stop your mother saying he looks like you when your DH is around? Probably not Just enjoy your baby and all the lovely snuggles

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/09/2018 08:44

It's ok to find it irritating, but if it's just annoying - not nasty or ill intentioned - try to think of it as a sweet expression of how much she loves your DH. Remember that when he was a baby she felt just like you do about your DD now and that's what she's remembering/reliving! Otherwise you're going to end up pushing her out and causing a bit of a rift over such a trivial thing. Be really wary of the 'its ok when my mum does it but not ok when yours does' thing - it's really unkind and will (justifiably) upset your DP even if it feels reasonable to you.

Fitzsimmons · 06/09/2018 08:46

I understand OP. My son is ginger. My Dad is ginger. My in laws know this, but everytime we see them they have a long discussion about how their distance cousin is ginger and that must be where my son gets his hair from. Same with his height. He's really tall, just like literally everyone in my family, and yet he must get his height from their side even though they're all average. I understand what you mean, it's like they can't possibly compute that us mothers might have had a role in the child's genetics!

squadronleader87 · 06/09/2018 08:46

It may be hormonal but I get this all the time as well and it really grates. I just respond by saying babies are genetically programmed to look like their fathers so they don’t reject them.

BigBlueBubble · 06/09/2018 08:48

It drives me crazy. Especially when the features that MIL claims to see are negative ones that I’m praying DC won’t inherit. The other day my MIL said my child looked like a particularly ugly aunt and I cried for days.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/09/2018 08:52

The other day my MIL said my child looked like a particularly ugly aunt and I cried for days.

I hope that's a joke, but it's not the nicest one...

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 06/09/2018 08:53

She probably thinks that her baby is every bit as gorgeous as your one. So obviously she'll love seeing the beautiful aspects from her son in your baby!
If I notice pics of my kiddos looking like my nieces/nephews I tend to send a pic to their parents. To let them know that my precious first/second/third born has become as cute and delightful as theirs. It's meant to be a compliment.
But I may live in a parallel un-mumsnetty universe

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