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Parenting

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Original poster

Social services - any advice?

68 replies

Frazzledstar1 · 01/09/2018 11:50

Hi all

I don’t usually post on here but I need some advice!

We currently have contact with social services. Brief background is that dp is seeking help for depression and anxiety and anger issues. I just want to stress that he never has and never would hurt me or the kids I’m very confident in that, I know he adores the kids. However his therapist passed on details to ss - perfectly understandable on her part.

Social services called around and I spoke with them, but dp is refusing to engage, he is ignoring all calls and messages from them. They have now called me and said they want to put a child in need plan in place and get the school involved etc.

Does anyone have any experience of this and what it entails and what to expect? What is the purpose and the usual outcomes?

I’m trying to cooperate as much as I can and I’m worried dp will make it worse. I’m just so stressed about this now, I’m really feeling angry at dp, disappointed in myself, scared and confused. I try so hard to be a good parent and my son is doing so well in school so I don’t know why this is all happening.

I’m too ashamed to talk to family and friends so any advice will be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Sarahandduck18 · 01/09/2018 11:55

Dp needs to engage!

Why isn’t he.

You need to challenge him on this.

Ultimately you may have to choose between him or your dc.

GreenTulips · 01/09/2018 11:59

If you're son is ok at school I wouldn't worry too much in that score but your DH is making things worse by not engaging

I'm sure a brief chat would be all they are looking for

MyCatIsBonkers · 01/09/2018 12:04

Not engaging with social services is a massive red flag and they will not let it go.

I was referred when DS was born because of my mental health issues/disability. They closed their file very quickly because they could see I was prepared to fully engage with them.

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BertieBotts · 01/09/2018 12:06

Do you live together?

anotherangel2 · 01/09/2018 12:08

How does DP angry problem show at home?

DP needs to engage. SS obviously have concerns and they will be looking for DP and you to make changes to the Home situation.

Why won’t DP engage? Why does he not want to make things before for his children?

DewDropsonKittens · 01/09/2018 12:14

If your DP continues to not engage you will quickly find yourselves escalated to a child protection plan

The therapist would have been very concerned about the safety of your children to make a referral and it reach CIN

AlwaysFuckingTired · 01/09/2018 12:25

Hi OP, my eldest was on a CIN plan for a while due to my MH.

Involvement with SS is not optional. If they decide they have concerns about your children they will not just go away because your H doesn't want to speak to them. In theory a CIN plan is optional, but if you refuse one then they will immediately escalate to a child protection plan which is not.

SS will decide what your family is struggling with, put recommendations in place and regularly review your progress at CIN meetings which will involve your family and all the professionals working alongside you.
When they no longer have any concerns they will close the case.

Please try not to worry. SS helped me completely change my life around.

Original poster

Frazzledstar1 · 01/09/2018 12:30

DP does not want to engage as he feels we’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve tried explaining to him that he’s making it worse but he won’t listen. He’s very stubborn and will not listen to reason.

I got the impression from my first chat with social worker that they may not need to get too involved, he suggested offering extra support etc, but since dp has been refusing to engage he’s now talking about CIN plan.

Yes we do live together. I just don’t know what to do. Obviously if it comes to it I will choose dcs over dp, but I know they will be devestated. They love their dad and their home.

I don’t know how to make him see sense.

OP posts:

30hours · 01/09/2018 12:34

Get rid of the cretin won’t engage at the expense of your CHILDREN and go from there.

Or keep him and forget the best interests of the dc.

Original poster

Frazzledstar1 · 01/09/2018 12:38

Thank you AlwaysFuckingTired, that’s actually really helpful and good to know.

OP posts:

Hattifattner · 01/09/2018 12:42

ARe they his kids? how old?

Its in everyone's interest that he engages with them. Just to sit down and say "yes, I have some issues at the moment, and yes, Im getting help from a therapist." Failure to engage will be seen as a bit of a red flag.

That said, he must feel quite shit about the breach of confidentiality - he's seeking help and yet this is the consequence. I think he would be within his rights to speak to SS and let them know that.

Kardashianlove · 01/09/2018 12:43

DP refusing to engage and ignoring their calls and messages will be a massive red flag for them.

They will wonder if he is ignoring them, what else is he ignoring to do with the DC. If he’s incapable of calling them back, is he also incapable of doing similar basic parenting tasks. If he’s making a poor decision in relation to ignoring them, what other poor decisions is he making in relation to his DC.

I honestly think if this was my DH, I would say to him he either phones them up on Monday and discusses with them or he has to leave as the DC must come first.

It’s a stressful situation which he is making worse. You should’t have to be responsible for persuading him to contact them etc. He is being incredibly unfair on both you and his DC by ignoring them.

AlwaysFuckingTired · 01/09/2018 12:47

If your H does not come round to the idea of engaging then they may recommend he is either removed from the home or that you and your DC go to live elsewhere if their concerns are significant. They would help to facilitate this. This would likely be temporary providing things improved.

Hopefully your H sees sense and whatever issues you're having can be dealt with in the home. If not then please just carry on engaging with them yourself, your DC need you x

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 01/09/2018 12:55

They will see this as an enormous red flag and so should you.

Taylor22 · 01/09/2018 12:56

Ask him wether or not he'd rather engage with SS now who sound like they just want to double check everything is fine.

Or he can engage with a court, SS and CAFCASS when he's out of the house and wants to see the kids.

Original poster

Frazzledstar1 · 01/09/2018 13:00

I will definitely continue engaging and if it comes to it and I have to leave the home I will because my dcs are most important thing here.

I think he is feeling quite shit about it and that is why he is reacting this way - he’s being defensive. His therapist told him she would be contacting ss so he was aware this would be coming.

OP posts:

Original poster

Frazzledstar1 · 01/09/2018 13:00

I mean leave the home with dcs btw!

OP posts:

QuickWash · 01/09/2018 13:02

It will be the lack of engagement that makes this situation a problem.

CIN is voluntary but if parents refuse to engage then it can escalate of ss feel a threshold has been met. Non engagement will be the problem especially when the original concerns were about him.

flapjackfairy · 01/09/2018 13:05

A child in need plan is not legally binding so you do not have to agree with anything suggested BUT and this is the main point. Social services will not just let it go and will see this as a massive red flag. He is making things much worse by blanking them. The only way to solve this is to jump through every hoop they put in front of you to keep your children .
If he wont do that then you could have to choose between your husband and your kids.

ohdeardeardear · 01/09/2018 13:07

If he doesn't engage, leave him. He needs to put your children first.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 01/09/2018 13:08

You will be regarded as the protective factor so it’s good that you’re being proactive.

Has he told you why he doesn’t want to engage? Not engaging is a common symptom of depression and he shouldn’t be penalised for this. I can understand why he is upset if he has sought help and the result has been his personal medical details being shared, and a referral to SS. Could his therapist speak to him about this and how he’s feeling? I suspect the referral has been made more on the basis of the anger issues?

Kardashianlove · 01/09/2018 13:10

I think he is feeling quite shit about it and that is why he is reacting this way
I’d imagine most people feel shit having ss involved. This isn’t an excuse for his behaviour though. You need to decide whether you want to continue in a relationship with someone who reacts like this.

Rosemary46 · 01/09/2018 13:13

What’s your housing situation ? Do you own or rent and whose place o is it ?

Because I’m wondering why you and the kids would leave rather than him moving out for a while ?

Original poster

Frazzledstar1 · 01/09/2018 13:19

I think the issue is that it took a long time for him to step up and get help and when he finally did this happened. I’m not saying it’s right, that’s just how he feels. As I’ve said before, if I have to choose I will choose the kids, I just really want him to see sense and come around.

He’s not a bad person he’s just stubborn as hell. He just needs a bit of support for his mh which he is getting now.

OP posts:

PersianCatLady · 01/09/2018 13:20

@HattiFattner
I don't think that a therapist doing their legal duty of informing SS when they believe there is a cause for concern can really be called a breach of confidentiality.

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