Social services - any advice?

[Frazzledstar1]

Hi all

I don’t usually post on here but I need some advice!

We currently have contact with social services. Brief background is that dp is seeking help for depression and anxiety and anger issues. I just want to stress that he never has and never would hurt me or the kids I’m very confident in that, I know he adores the kids. However his therapist passed on details to ss - perfectly understandable on her part.

Social services called around and I spoke with them, but dp is refusing to engage, he is ignoring all calls and messages from them. They have now called me and said they want to put a child in need plan in place and get the school involved etc.

Does anyone have any experience of this and what it entails and what to expect? What is the purpose and the usual outcomes?

I’m trying to cooperate as much as I can and I’m worried dp will make it worse. I’m just so stressed about this now, I’m really feeling angry at dp, disappointed in myself, scared and confused. I try so hard to be a good parent and my son is doing so well in school so I don’t know why this is all happening.

I’m too ashamed to talk to family and friends so any advice will be greatly appreciated.

It’s his house that we live in- he’s owned it since before we met - so we would have to stay elsewhere

Are they his children ?

Confidentiality They’re legally bound to report ANY concerns about the welfare of children. SS were involved when I was having therapy to get over childhood abuse - my parent still had children under 18 resident with them, and so my therapist HAD to tell SS what I’d told him because of that.

OP - is it just his MH though? I say this because I’m in therapy, have been for a long time, on medications, have been for years, I have 3 children and I’m a lone parent, and SS have never been involved with me.

Is there something else at play that you aren’t disclosing?

It would have to be a matter of potential significant harm to your DP you or your children for the therapist to report. What form does his anger take in the home - you said he wouldn't hurt you but there must be some issues which he himself has reflected on in therapy.

It’s his house that we live in- he’s owned it since before we met - so we would have to stay elsewhere

If you're married that may not be entirely true. He's putting himself before his kids, that's what his stubbornness is doing. And I suspect you might be minimising his mental health issues. I'd tell him one last time, that refusal to engage with SS is not-negotiable. It's not an option to ignore them and that if you have to, you'll have to leave.

If it were me I'd give him two choices: engage and stay living with your kids.
Or don't engage, I'll move out and you can see them possibly via a contact centre with SS supervision

OP does say DP not DH so sounds like she has no financial security wrt housing.

He went to therapy for depression and anxiety and they have highlighted issues with coping with stress and anger.

I am obviously not privy to everything he and his therapist have discussed so whether he’s told her something I’m not aware of I don’t know. His anger mainly manisfests as shouting and there have been occasions where he’s punched a dining chair or thrown something at the wall. Maybe her concern is that it could escalate now, but he’s seeking help so surely that’s a step in the right direction.

I’m aware that it’s not an ideal situation for the kids to be around but I know they are safe and that he’s trying to get help so I had hoped things would get better. Starting to lose hope now tbh, it’s like we’ve gone one step forward and 2 steps back.

His anger mainly manisfests as shouting and there have been occasions where he’s punched a dining chair or thrown something at the wall. Are the children in the house when this happens?

Yes sometimes kardashianlove

Do you know what it was he said to his therapist that triggered the referral?
I know you won't want to hear it, but I think you should consider moving out anyway tbh.

CIN is a serious situation to be in. Like someone has said it isn't optional. CIN meetings will take place, usually at school, with a range of agencies. You'll be Informed about them but they will go ahead regardless of if your husband participates or not. Other professional may and probably will come visit the children in school. For example social workers, school nursing. You won't be informed about these usually untill after they happen. I think this is so you can't 'prep' the child with what to say or do etc.

Therapist would not have contacted social services if they were not concerned about the safety of your child. The mere fact that your partner is not engaging would be a big red flag to me. Personally I would be looking to find in alternative accommodation unless you are told what he concerns are.

In that case, the therapist and ss won’t just be concerned that it could escalate, they will be concerned that this is a damaging environment for your DC and not good for them to grow up witnessing this.

You say i know they are safe maybe physically safe, but not safe from the emotional harm that witnessing shouting and throwing things will cause them.

SS will also be concerned that by staying in this relationship you are failing to protect them.

Please don’t underestimate the long term damage that witnessing this may cause them

First of all you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I would say that the anger issues of your DP must be quite significant for his therapist to contact social services, but the therapist has a duty to do this and will have explained to DP at the start of the work that they did. Most people who have therapy do not have a referral to social services.
Secondly as pp's have said it is a massive red flag to refuse to engage with social services. CIN plans are voluntary and sometimes total refusal to cooperate will cause the case to shut if there are no CP concerns which meet threshold however it is also completely possible that the case will escalate from CIN to CP which is not voluntary. By far the easiest and quickest way to get social care out of your hair is to cooperate with them, work through any tasks and demonstrate that your DC is safe and well cared for.
Don't worry too much, social services will see you are cooperating, let them contact school, that will also help show your DC is doing well. Ask social care what they are looking for from you. If social care aren't happy with the situation they will make that clear as your case progresses. Your DP is behaving like a total arse, he needs to understand that he is threatening his whole family unit.

I know it’s not good for them, I guess I was just hopeful that he was getting help and things could change. Starting to wonder whether it ever will.

SW was going to call me back next week when he’s been able to talk to ds school so I will try to have a more detailed chat with him then and make a decision on whether I need to stay somewhere else.

Good luck OP

OP I was professionally involved with a family in very similar circumstances. The father refused to have anything to do with SS as he saw them as 'interfering' and the mother was seen as not doing enough to safeguard the dc. They eventually went on to the CP register. You need to get your DP to be aware of the seriousness of the situation or else remove the dc from what is probably deemed a risky/unstable environment.

Thank you pastaandpestoagain, I agree dp is being an arse, I have tried to explain that this will be resolved much quicker if he cooperates but he will not listen.

I am going to try to find out expectations and see what I can do.

Okay, if he is throwing stuff around the house social care aren't going to disappear if you don't engage as a family because the threshold for CP would be met.
Keep talking to social care and you will find a solution. Usually social care suggest the perpetrator find someone else to live rather than disrupt the DC, even if it is only on a temporary basis.

Any violence in an environment whit children MUST be reported, with or without consent from the patient after hearing about punching furnitures the therapist had to contact SS. How this is followed up will depend on the next steps your DP takes.

Thank you nellyolsenscurl, I’m trying to make his see this is a very real situation.

I'm a social worker.
If there has been no high level DV it's very unlikely that the threshold for a child protection conference would be met. DP refusing to engage with SW wouldn't trigger that by itself, especially if he continues to go to counselling and you engage and make a safety plan.

However; your DP isn't taking responsibility for his behaviour and its impact on the children is he? If he was, he wouldn't be avoiding the social worker. I'd be far more concerned about that in your position than what a social worker might do. Aren't you furious?

Sorry - should be clearer. If a section 47 investigation hasn't already been triggered then lack of engagement on father's part wouldn't meet the threshold unless there was a further incident, if the mother is engaged.

SS will probably want to talk to him to see if he can recognise his ‘triggers’ when he is strarting to feel angry and what his plan is to manage that before it escalates into throwing furniture so it doesn’t impact on the children e.g go for a walk to calm down, lock himself in the toilet for 2 minutes, if he has this self awareness and is seeking support and you are willing to protect the children by removing them from harm (permanently if necessary) if things don’t improve then I think they will just monitor the situation for a while.