Social services - any advice?

[Frazzledstar1]

Hi all

I don’t usually post on here but I need some advice!

We currently have contact with social services. Brief background is that dp is seeking help for depression and anxiety and anger issues. I just want to stress that he never has and never would hurt me or the kids I’m very confident in that, I know he adores the kids. However his therapist passed on details to ss - perfectly understandable on her part.

Social services called around and I spoke with them, but dp is refusing to engage, he is ignoring all calls and messages from them. They have now called me and said they want to put a child in need plan in place and get the school involved etc.

Does anyone have any experience of this and what it entails and what to expect? What is the purpose and the usual outcomes?

I’m trying to cooperate as much as I can and I’m worried dp will make it worse. I’m just so stressed about this now, I’m really feeling angry at dp, disappointed in myself, scared and confused. I try so hard to be a good parent and my son is doing so well in school so I don’t know why this is all happening.

I’m too ashamed to talk to family and friends so any advice will be greatly appreciated.

I would be concerned as to the reason why the therapist felt they had to contact SS. He must have said something about the children. His lack of engagement is a disgrace and is putting you all under more scrutiny and raises flags for SS who are already under intense scrutiny due to horrendous abuse. Engage fully with SS and tell your DP he has to do so too. He surely can’t think it is ok to simply ignore them!

I am furious and so disappointed in him! I feel like he’s not taking it seriously at all, whereas he thinks I’m over reacting. We’re barely on speaking terms at the moment as he just won’t budge

I think he thinks it will just go away if he ignores it! Which is completely ridiculous

We have been assessed by SS. I engaged openly and cooperatively as did DP and the case was closed. That's the only way through it I believe. Coincidentally I am also a therapist and I would not make a referral to SS lightly. There would have to be some ongoing behaviours that were causing significant risk of harm.
Your DP is seriously risking everything by not engaging. It is great that he is getting therapy but he needs to get over himself and talk to the SW. Then they will be satisfied he is addressing his problems and will probably leave you alone.

You need to prepare to leave him then. They won't just go away. He knows that, I'm sure, you've told him. He cares more about himself and being right than his family.

I hope its appropriate to say here that growing up I experienced my father (who also suffered anxiety and depression) throwing and breaking furniture in anger. It was very frightening and me and my siblings agree it had a negative on our own mental health. I wish a social worker had stood up for us.

I am obviously not privy to everything he and his therapist have discussed so whether he’s told her something I’m not aware of I don’t know.

As it's your responsibility to act in their best interests you need to be informed of all the facts as your children can't choose what's best for them and you don't know what might have been disclosed between him and his therapist to raise these concerns.

I realise there's rules on privacy and confidentiality and maybe nothing was said and it could just be routine for her workplace but either way you need to know what risks there might be to you and your family, especially if he's acting submissive it may be that there's something he doesn't want to come out.

You have some great advice here, I hope it helps. Continue putting the DC first and engaging with SS and it will be clear you are a good parent.

If you left him where would you stay?

Yes I think I need to find out more information on why we are in this position now.

I could stay with my parents if needed to; although not much space there, I’d have to sleep on sofa but I could make do.

Refusing to engage with SS will only escalate things, not make them go away.

SS involvement is not optional

You need to prepare to leave him then. They won't just go away. He knows that, I'm sure, you've told him. He cares more about himself and being right than his family

This is not really a helpful way to frame this. Eventually they will go away, especially if the DP engages with the therapist and there are no more incidents. The OP should be thinking in terms of what his attitude means for her and the children rather than what will make social services go away.

"Firsttimer1234

CIN is a serious situation to be in. Like someone has said it isn't optional. CIN meetings will take place, usually at school, with a range of agencies. You'll be Informed about them but they will go ahead regardless of if your husband participates or not. Other professional may and probably will come visit the children in school. For example social workers, school nursing. You won't be informed about these usually untill after they happen. I think this is so you can't 'prep' the child with what to say or do etc."

I think you might be getting your sections mixed up there, Firsttimer? Child in Need is Section 17, and a Child in Need plan can be refused by a parent, and if the parent refuses, the Social Worker has the choice of ending the plan, or escalating to a Section 47 assessment, which would be compulsory and much more serious, if the SW felt the child would be at risk without intervention.

Having said that, it would be much better all around if you could get your DP to engage with the SW department, Frazzledstar1. It must be a very stressful time for you.

Social workers should always inform parents if they are visiting children in school, unless there is an immediate child protection risk and telling the parent would escalate it.
On a child in need plan consent must be sought before speaking to children. If you don't get consent you don't do it.

I just don’t know how to make him see reason. Very stressful indeed, I’m just constantly worrying

I don’t think you can make him see reason. The type of person who shouts in anger, punches furniture and throws things infront of their DC and refuses to engage with SS because they are ‘stubborn’ probably can’t be reasoned with.

I would tell him if he doesn’t contact SS on Monday you will leave with the DC.

Don't panic, social workers are not going to come and remove your dc without you having any idea it is going to happen which people can worry about. Work with the social workers do what they say and you will be fine. Whether I would want to stay with someone who had so little regard for me as your DP is showing you is another matter.

My family has had an SS initial assessment, which led to a recommendation for CIN - which I refused. It certainly didn’t escalate to CP. Yes, I realise it could have, but in our case, it didn’t. It depends on thresholds & you can discuss with the SW which threshold is likely to be met under which circumstances.

Thanks freddiethegreat, that’s useful to know. Think I will try and get more information from SW next week and take it from there with regards to next steps. Thanks to all for your info and advice, it’s much appreciated in this stressful time.