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Parenting

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Original poster

Was I wrong not to invite her to eat?

57 replies

thebeesknees123 · 29/08/2018 23:58

Today I got home from work at 5ish. Dd 14 was at home and had invited DN 12 round for company. No problem. But I was not expecting to have her there and so definitely not for tea. In the morning I had got a pack of sausages out to defrost so wasn't enough for 5, to include me, dn,ds, dd and dh so we said dn needed to go home this time. I didn't have time to nip to the shop as dh was going out. Dn didn't seem bothered as she doesn't like sausages but she did not go home.and waited upstairs so I ended up taking her back myself - it is round the corner.

Told dsis. No problem so far but told dn to make herself some super noodles which she said she didn't know how to. Dd offered to help. Dn declined.

Cue 9.30 at night bil rings absolutely raging and still hasn't eating. I say, yes in hindsight, I should have tried to find something but dn is quite picky. Most of the time, it gets chucked out and my freezer is pretty empty. Dn crashes over here a lot and dsis sometimes expects me to cater for her as she's fair. To be fair dsis will nip to the shop for dd sometimes but don't expect it. I usually ring to tell her food is ready. Dsis doesn t plan and does everything ad hoc but I don't She never rings her dd or me and mealtimes are haphazard.

Upshot is they blame me for planning round dh night out and it's a bit 50s.Should have foregone my dinner or his dinner for her. To be fair, I do have her a lot and often try to stretch but cannot always. I do not expect dsid to do that for me

OP posts:

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superram · 30/08/2018 00:01

You should have sent her home at tea time.

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 00:02

I did but she didn't go

OP posts:

CaviarAndCigarettes · 30/08/2018 00:09

You told an uninvited 12 year old that was unexpected that you could not cater for them. You offered to cook them super noodles. They declined.
During this time the 12 year olds parents did not contact you to discuss meals.

By 12 years old, they know what they like. She can communicate. If she's hungry she needs to put a slice of toast on and get the fuck over it. If her parents are upset then maybe they need to be compensating you for unexpected meals.

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Sailinghappy · 30/08/2018 00:11

Honestly, I think it’s very unreasonable not to feed your niece. If I was in that situation, I’d have gone out of my way to feed her - either giving up my portion of sausages and eating the noodles or popping to the shop with kiddies in tow to pick something up. Or just getting a takeaway - anything but leave her out! She is a 12 yo and your niece too!!

BackforGood · 30/08/2018 00:19

Totally disagree with Sailing.
She came round for some company in the afternoon, and on that night, it wasn't convenient for her to stay. You let her know. End of.
If she lives round the corner, as 12, she should have just gone. I don't get the 'I told her to but she didn't' - you are the adult.

The rest of your post is a bit too confusing for me to follow, but perfectly reasonable to let an unexpected guest know when it isn't convenient for you to stretch your food. Even more so as she is fussy.

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 00:26

Yes, I did say we're the adults and we decide to dsis. I did apologise and said perhaps I could have handled it better and it was not my intention to upset anyone but neither dsis nor bil would let it lie so I ended up shouting at them. Dn has anxiety and I do think this has a lot to do with it

OP posts:

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 00:28

Thing is I do get very flustered in the kitchen particularly with time constraints. I don't really like cooking especially for others and I am a creature of habit. I don't like things sprung on me

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2018 00:33

You said you took her home but then said she stayed up stairs whilst you ate? And at 9. 30hadn't eaten. Eh?

If you couldn't feed her you should have called dsis and said come and get her, it's dinner time and I've got nothing here for her. That would have been the end of it.

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 00:35

No. I dropped her at 7.30 ish - theyoften dont eat til 8pm anyway hence the reason why dn is never hungry here. Dsis offered her noodles when she got back but told dn she had to make it herself as she was tired after work

OP posts:

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 00:37

She hadn't eaten at 9.30 as dsis hadn't made anything and dn didn't know how to make the supernoodles

OP posts:

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 00:42

Dsis works from home and quite often asks me to drop dn off as she's busy. Dn is capable of walking alone, though

OP posts:

Anywherebuthere · 30/08/2018 00:42

You really had nothing else to give her and werent prepared to offer her your dinner?(doesnt matter if she likes it or not)
She's your 12 year old niece. It doesnt sound like you like your sister and her family much.
It seems so mean to send her home to eat.

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 00:43

Tbh sheis an only child and a bit mollycoddled

OP posts:

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 00:45

I do have her round a lot and have frequently had less than Id want only for it to be wasted. Dsis does sometimes expect it, tbh. She never rings to ask if she needs to get her. She often waits for me to drop

OP posts:

AlexanderHamilton · 30/08/2018 00:50

I’d have scooted her out once tea time arrived. A cheery “right on we need to have our meal now, so off you go, cone round tomorrow if you like” as I shepherded her through the door.

Italiangreyhound · 30/08/2018 00:57

I think you acted fine, OP. But I think your niece is being somewhat ignored at home. I'd be tempted to get in a few ready meals or tins of soup she likes so you can feed her when she is there.

itwillbealrightpromise · 30/08/2018 01:08

It sounds like the current arrangement of DN just popping round as and when isn't working for you. Ask your DD to let you know when DN is coming and to try and avoid mealtimes if possible. They could also meet up at the park, the shops, cinema, etc if they're bored over summer so she doesn't have to come round as much. Having said that, if she's close enough to just pop round I can't really imagine not feeding her, even if it was something else from the freezer or a bit of toast. I've always had the policy of not treating close family like guests, so we all eat the same thing and if there's not enough/someone doesn't like something we all compromise a bit, no drama.

I do like my own space, though, so I don't blame you there. On another note, it does sound like the girl could do with some nurturing and and help to be independent. A 12 year old not being able to make Supernoodles (apart from maybe some supervision with boiling water, I know how clumsy I was at that age) is not ideal. Having a positive influence from her older cousin and aunt could be a nice thing for you. Maybe getting her involved with cooking a simple meal and eating together?

TacoFriday · 30/08/2018 01:22

Why was your BIL shouting at you for failing to feed his child, instead of his wife who had been home for 1.5 hours but couldn’t be arsed to boil some water for her daughter’s noodles? She was too tired but you’re the one he shouts at?

Cheekyfseverywhere · 30/08/2018 01:44

If I read "to be fair" one more bloody time. Grow a back bone and tell your sister to feed her own damn kid.

nailak · 30/08/2018 02:03

I would have given her my portion, made her or myself an egg or a sandwich, got a takeaway for every One, made a big pot of pasta or rice instead.
Literally anything apart from excluding her from the meal time.

Frannibananni · 30/08/2018 02:48

I would be ringing her mum to collect her before tea from now on. And your bil is a cf. the fact she didn't eat when she got home isn't your fault.

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 07:12

Yes, I do wonder sometimes if she does feel a bit ignored and maybe hangs round deliberately. I honestly don't mind her staying occasionally but what is getting to me is dsis just expects me to feed her because she's there iyswim - to the point where she hadn't really planned a meal for them both. If she'd been at home, what would she have done?

Dm is the most organised person ever but I still remember her planning meals for us. She still does for herself even now. Dsis says it's strange that I plan it in the morning as she just decides there and then.

When dd is at hers, I always assume I am going to cook for her unless dsis says otherwise I often ring dd to tell her to come home as dinner is ready. There doesn't seem to be any of that

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2018 08:48

It's easy to say just order in a take out etc but if money is tight and the food in the house just stretches to exact portions like it seems to do then for OP then it's harder to keep feeding an extra person's.

However, she should have been sent home at tea time. Sorry niece, dinner time, go home. Not let sit upstairs hungry and alone.

However her mother knew she hadn't been fed and should have fed her. DBil should have calmly been told that she was sent home for her tea and it's her mother's responsibility to feed her.

She sounds a little neglected tbh, little n not SS neglected

LEMtheoriginal · 30/08/2018 09:00

So have i got this right? Your neice is at yours most of the day . Hasnt eaten . Then you send her hone at 7.30 having not eaten . Fine - i think in the circumstances you were right to do so.

But then her mother tells her to prep her own dinner at 7.30? Really??? And you say she is mollicoddled.

tinstar · 30/08/2018 09:07

In those circumstances I would have offered her my food.

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