Was I wrong not to invite her to eat?

[thebeesknees123]

Today I got home from work at 5ish. Dd 14 was at home and had invited DN 12 round for company. No problem. But I was not expecting to have her there and so definitely not for tea. In the morning I had got a pack of sausages out to defrost so wasn't enough for 5, to include me, dn,ds, dd and dh so we said dn needed to go home this time. I didn't have time to nip to the shop as dh was going out. Dn didn't seem bothered as she doesn't like sausages but she did not go home.and waited upstairs so I ended up taking her back myself - it is round the corner.

Told dsis. No problem so far but told dn to make herself some super noodles which she said she didn't know how to. Dd offered to help. Dn declined.

Cue 9.30 at night bil rings absolutely raging and still hasn't eating. I say, yes in hindsight, I should have tried to find something but dn is quite picky. Most of the time, it gets chucked out and my freezer is pretty empty. Dn crashes over here a lot and dsis sometimes expects me to cater for her as she's fair. To be fair dsis will nip to the shop for dd sometimes but don't expect it. I usually ring to tell her food is ready. Dsis doesn t plan and does everything ad hoc but I don't She never rings her dd or me and mealtimes are haphazard.

Upshot is they blame me for planning round dh night out and it's a bit 50s.Should have foregone my dinner or his dinner for her. To be fair, I do have her a lot and often try to stretch but cannot always. I do not expect dsid to do that for me

Wait a second,why is it OP's responsibility to feed th niece,or go without herself but not dn's actual mother/parent?

All the things OP could've done so could her mother,or the actual DN herself in her own home.

OP sounds like the real issue BIL and DS have is with your husband/relationship. Why is that?

Sounds like everyone has poor communication and the child is piggy in the middle. She may be manipulating the situation but she isn’t one of the adults.
Instead of looking back, why not look forward and put agreed rules in place?
Personally, I do plan all my meals so I know I have what I need to cook but sausages are hardLy cordon bleu and are readily extended. I can’t imag having anyone in my house at supper time and not inviting them to join us. If a child it was usually pre-arranged or I would phone the parents and check they were happy with the arrangement. Nowadays if it’s more than a couple of extras I expect pre-warning.
If it was a packet of sausages you could pull easily have done one sausage and pop an egg into poach or made an omelette and add a tin of baked beans. It feels a bit mean not to. However, that doesn’t give her parents the right to be cross. She needs cooking lessons fairly soon.
Agree times, frequency and responsibility for you’re nieces food and visiting times.

Bil and dh are polar opposites. Dh is quiet and strait laced. Bil is gregarious and a bit irresponsible, has racked up loads of debts. They are jealous of each other. Bil fancies himself as alpha male but is an unlikely specimen.

Ds was a bit mischievous when younger but has matured. Bil and dsis still don't particularly like him round and have said in the past there is a sen issue. There isn't. They have form for thinking that about some of their friends' kids

Cherry. Thanks. I am a bit crap in the kitchen and I actually really hate cooking I can do an omelette but am not good at thinking on the hop and thinking about how to ectend portions

The big question is ...
Why was there not a dinner waiting at home for the niece when she got there?
Not why didn’t you get a takeaway, or why didn’t you give her yours, or why didn’t you march her home. Why don’t her own parents cater for her?
Poor kid. I’m not surprised she feels inclined to hang out at yours. You sound nice and reasonable. Especially as you’ve already fed her this week.

It all sounds terribly dysfunctional. Your BIL rang you to shout at you because your dn hadn't eaten, knowing that she'd been at home for an hour and a half at that point and neither he nor her mother had prepared her any food either.
Are they a bit simple, perhaps?

He wasn't there. He'd just got in from his shift