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Original poster

Was I wrong not to invite her to eat?

57 replies

thebeesknees123 · 29/08/2018 23:58

Today I got home from work at 5ish. Dd 14 was at home and had invited DN 12 round for company. No problem. But I was not expecting to have her there and so definitely not for tea. In the morning I had got a pack of sausages out to defrost so wasn't enough for 5, to include me, dn,ds, dd and dh so we said dn needed to go home this time. I didn't have time to nip to the shop as dh was going out. Dn didn't seem bothered as she doesn't like sausages but she did not go home.and waited upstairs so I ended up taking her back myself - it is round the corner.

Told dsis. No problem so far but told dn to make herself some super noodles which she said she didn't know how to. Dd offered to help. Dn declined.

Cue 9.30 at night bil rings absolutely raging and still hasn't eating. I say, yes in hindsight, I should have tried to find something but dn is quite picky. Most of the time, it gets chucked out and my freezer is pretty empty. Dn crashes over here a lot and dsis sometimes expects me to cater for her as she's fair. To be fair dsis will nip to the shop for dd sometimes but don't expect it. I usually ring to tell her food is ready. Dsis doesn t plan and does everything ad hoc but I don't She never rings her dd or me and mealtimes are haphazard.

Upshot is they blame me for planning round dh night out and it's a bit 50s.Should have foregone my dinner or his dinner for her. To be fair, I do have her a lot and often try to stretch but cannot always. I do not expect dsid to do that for me

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PatriciaHolm · 30/08/2018 09:09

So she doesn't know how to boil noodles, and her mum can't be arsed to help her?

Poor kid.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 30/08/2018 09:13

I would have cooked the meal you were planning for the number you were planning but included DN in the meal and had something else like beans on toast myself. I’d be cross with you too if I’m honest.

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 09:40

LEM. Her Dad is of the opinion she is a princess can do no wrong. Dn wasn't upset. She probably was by the time bil got back because dsis hadn't fed her.

Yes, on occasion, I don't mind forgoing mu portion or having less. We did just that only Monday but it's all the bloody time while I feel she is more my responsibility than my sister's.

I woke up partly relieved that tonight I don't have an extra person at a minute's notice to feed. And most of the time she goes home hungry anyway because she doesn't eat

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Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 09:42

What is upsetting me is no one in her family had planned a meal for her or called me and were expecting me to feed to her, which I do a lot and don't mind but not all the time

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 30/08/2018 09:46

Have people not read the bit where OP says that DN doesn't like sausages, so it probably wouldn't have been worth offering her tea.

Also sounds as if OP's sister expects OP to feed DN quite often without any reciprocation.

Why should OP always plan meals just in case DN is there? I don't meal plan for unexpected guests, so unless I was batch cooking at the time we might struggle to feed an extra person. If it was a one off, maybe takeaway or nip to the shops (assuming OP doesn't live rurally and this isn't as easy as it would be living in a town) but that can get expensive if regularly having to feed an extra person.

Don't understand why your BIL is angry with you, while both he and your sister had still failed to feed your DN.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 30/08/2018 09:48

Have people not read the bit where OP says that DN doesn't like sausages, so it probably wouldn't have been worth offering her tea yes I had a tally. I still would have asked her to sit with us while we ate and offered her the meal, or a lift home. I’d do that for any visiting children.

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 09:57

They do offer to feed dd but she often prefers to come home and wouldn't hang round if they are eating, though rarely happens anyway as we eat earlier.

I usually have something planned for dd re food anyway and I don't expect it. If she wants to offer, great, but I wouldn't expect her to cater for dd. Nor do I expect her to drop dd home if she doesn't want to walk or run to the shops. Absolutely not. Dd had a phone. She could've called her mum as my dd does

OP posts:

PrimalLass · 30/08/2018 10:00

Your sister and BIL are royally taking the piss. You need to be firm.

PrimalLass · 30/08/2018 10:02

I’d be cross with you too if I’m honest.

Why? Are you a CF like the sister?

Butterymuffin · 30/08/2018 10:03

Don't see why you're the bad guy for not feeding her when neither of her parents would!

tinstar · 30/08/2018 10:42

Have people not read the bit where OP says that DN doesn't like sausages, so it probably wouldn't have been worth offering her tea.

Presumably they weren't just eating sausages? Perhaps dn could have had the veg/chips/beans and and egg or something?

nailak · 30/08/2018 14:41

DN was invited round, she didn't just turn up.

If I have a child at my house it is my responsibility to look after them and that includes feeding them. While they are here I would treat them as a member of the family (especially if they are actually a member of the family) this includes meal times. I would never send a child home hungry. Even if They just ate snacks or cheese toast or something I would make sure they are fed.
If my child is invited to somebody else's house then yes I expect that person to feed them while they are there and not send them home hungry, while the rest of my family has eaten.

If you can't feed DN then I suggest you tell your DD to stop inviting her, and instead meet up in other places, or at DNs house.

I would be cross if I sent my child to my sis in laws and the whole family ate but they didn't feed my child. I would also be astonished if they phoned and said our family is having dinner now so you need to pick up your daughter. I mean I don't know about your sis in law but I might be in the middle of doing something etc and not able to come straight away. But to be honest I know that would never happen. Maybe it's cultural differences.

Bestseller · 30/08/2018 14:48

You should have made her go home at tea time . If you weren't going to do that you should have fed her.

I'd have sent DD to walk her guest home if it's close

BitOutOfPractice · 30/08/2018 14:56

TBH I would be surprised and a bit miffed if my sister sent my DC home without feeding them. Surely there was something you could've rustled up? Pasta? Something... Especially as your sister sometimes feeds your DD. Couldn't you have just texted her and said "DN doesn't like what we are having for tea - shall I warm some beans up for her or will she eat with you?"

I wouldn't have phoned and shouted though.

PrimalLass · 30/08/2018 15:50

So the OP should run around sorting this out, and even according to some give up her own dinner, because the DN didn't do what she was told and her own mother couldn't be arsed?

nailak · 30/08/2018 16:04

The OP shouldn't invite people round if she is not prepared to host them or go out of her way in any way at all for them.
So if this is the case the OP needs to tell her daughter to stop inviting her cousin

PrimalLass · 30/08/2018 16:12

That's just crazy. The DN lives minutes away. The OP should not be expected to feed her every time she's in the house. DD's friends are in and out all the time. That doesn't mean I need to give them dinner every day.

starfishmummy · 30/08/2018 16:15

If she was just invited for the afternoon and it was not specifically arranged ahead of time that she would be fed, then I agree you should just have sent her home at your tea time - I think your only mistake was in not making sure that she actually went.

Once she was at her home then all responsibility to feed her was with her parents!

nailak · 30/08/2018 16:21

I really think this is just a matter of cultural / upbringing differences.

Even as a teenager I don't know a time I went round to a friend's house and wasn't offered food, or was told I had to go home at meal times. Plenty of times I would go to my friends houses and if their parents weren't there, we'd cook together.

Last time my DD had a friend round unexpectedly, even though we normally wouldn't eat dinner at that time, I ordered pizza because I feel it is unreasonable to send a child home hungry.
Even if my kids are just playing out with the neighbours if they go home to eat the neighbours would offer them food too, not send them home, and if they were here and my kids were eating, I'd give food to all of them. So to me the distance is irrelevant.

Rebecca36 · 30/08/2018 16:30

Could you not have gone, or sent one of them, to the chippy? That would have solved the problem.

MipMipMip · 30/08/2018 16:33

Can anyone explain why the OP should be the one to give up her dinner? why not her Dp, or the DD who invited the extra person? because the OP is female

The OP made sure the child was home for her usual dinnertime. She made sure the child's mum was aware they had not eaten. After that it is up to them. BIL was very out of order.

And no, if you meal plan you can't usually add in someone extra. It doesn't work like that.

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 16:47

Well, dsis tried to ring but just texted back that I was too tired to go over it all again and would speak in a couple of days.

Dsis texted back a few ranty texts about dn not being welcome and we need to resolve it and dh is the main problem.

All over the summer, I have given lifts to town and back (dsis too busy) taken dn out, bought ice creams, had ds9 whingeing in my ear because he wants a friend too and it's not fair..Today was such a relief with just the 3 of us and ds and dd got on well

OP posts:

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 16:51

I think Ive just had enough of the holidays and can just about handle mine

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 30/08/2018 17:07

I think the main point here is that dsis did not feed her own child for 1.5 hours after she'd got home. That is not on really.

PrimalLass · 30/08/2018 17:13

Sadly this now means that your DN and DD lose out because your sister and BIL are pisstakers.

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