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Original poster

Discipline Issues - going back on a punishment?

55 replies

LostPuppy · 04/06/2007 11:12

I spend my weekends ferrying my DS1 to various rugby/football/cricket training sessions, and yesterday he had a football tournament.

In the car on the way home I asked if he'd enjoyed himself, and there was no reply. So DW asked him and he said 'not much'. She went ballistic and told him he was ungrateful little so and so and that we wouldnt take him to his presentation/fun day next weekend. A very harsh punishment, because he's been looking forward to it all season. They get photos and a trophy etc.

As luck would have it, he bumped into his football coach at the swimming pool this morning, and he was asked if he had a good time and if he was looking forward to next weekend's event, to which he replied yes and was very excited, then afterwards he remembered and starte crying.

Now he IS a bit spoiled, but who doesnt spoil their kids. There is a fine line here between something kids say and the spoiled brat behaviour exhibited by a lot of his peers as we live in a very affluent town and the kids generally get whatever they want.

But I really dont want to take this day from him. He's apparently told all his schoolfriends he's going to get a tropht.

How can I go back on this punishment without giving him the message that we are a pushover?

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soapbox · 04/06/2007 11:33

How is it being rude?

He was asked a question and he answered it truthfully?

He is 6yo! What else would you wish a 6yo to do?

It sounds to me like he has far too many activities and is worn out by then. Drop a couple of the sports activities and then you can all chill as a family together. The alternative seems to be that you ahve an exhausted child and a temper-tantruming wife!

Mrbatters · 04/06/2007 11:34

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Mrbatters · 04/06/2007 11:35

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CountTo10 · 04/06/2007 11:37

If he's only 6 then I think it's even harsher. Whilst I appreciate you think that sometimes he acts ungratefully etc, what's he got to be grateful for - has he ever been in a position where he's not had anything - does he know any differernt to what he has now?? All children should learn the value of things and you and your dw obviously do a lot of running around but when you watch ds play football how much does that make you happy? So surely it's worth it. If he is seeing other children behave in a spoilt fashion then that is naturally going to wear off. At the end of the day you are the adults and you have to set the example. By behaving petulantly and lashing out, then you are just encouraging that in him. Instead of snapping at him, it would have been more reasonable to have asked why he didn;t have a good time. Maybe he felt he didn't play well or perhaps he was just fed up. That way you could have helped him get past it. As for tantrums when we don't get our own way, we are all guilty of that and it;s about teaching him another way of expressing himself. Why don't you start to encourage him to earn things. Little jobs etc.

CrispyNoodles · 04/06/2007 11:41

He's 6!
He's probably knackered with all the rugby/football/cricket!
Did you ask him why he didn't enjoy himself?
I doubt he'll want to discuss it now, as he has been called an "ungrateful little so and so".
Poor lad - give him a break - metaphorically and literally!

juuule · 04/06/2007 11:49

I think you over-reacted, too.
What did your dw want him to say?
Why ask if you're not really interested in the answer?
At 6 a good way to teach politeness, manners is to demonstrate them yourself.
I would apologise for snapping, explain why, and then take back the punishment (which seems to have been unneccessary anyway). Use this as an opportunity to have a chat about how we behave with each other and how even parents aren't infallible.

Original poster
LostPuppy · 04/06/2007 11:53

Thank you all.

We of course wanted him to say what a fabulous time he had so we could pat ourselves on the back for being such great parents, so to hear that he hadnt enjoyed himself was a real kick in the teeth for all the time, money and effort we put in to give him all these opportunities.

However, when written down it does seem like DW was a bit over the top, and we'll follow the advice summed up nicely by juule, namely apologise for snapping, explain why, and then take back the punishment.

Cheers
Puppies

OP posts:
CrispyNoodles · 04/06/2007 12:05

It would still be of use to try and find out why he didn't enjoy himself.
Perhaps he feels he needs to do all these activities to please you and your DW.

Original poster
LostPuppy · 04/06/2007 12:08

I'm sure he did enjoy himself. I think he got pushed about a bit in the last game and wasn't used to that, so was upset.

I'm a bad parent!

OP posts:
CountTo10 · 04/06/2007 12:10

No, not a bad parent just not perfect......like all of us. See your ds was being pushed about - not a nice feeling for any of us. If he'd have been able to tell you why then you could have given him a big cuddle and made him feel better. At least you care to even ask him in the first place!!!

soapbox · 04/06/2007 12:11

Good - glad you will be retracting with full apology from the DW!

I jsut want to check one thing?

You do know that as parents we aren't in it for the glory - for thanks; for gratitude for a pat on the backs for being good at what we do and for the effort we put in?

I really believe that you and DW need to look very carefully at the values you hold relating to your roles as parents. There sounds nothing 'unconditional' about what you do for your DS at all from your posts and I think that is foolish.

I think you are setting the whole family up to fail, if you persist with the mistaken belief that children owe us deep gratitude for those things that we choose to do for them.

Dogsby · 04/06/2007 12:12

i agree abotu the fatc he doesnt haev to enjoyed it
( sorry if repeating)
ds said similar recently

at least oyu knwo not to waste money

Original poster
LostPuppy · 04/06/2007 12:16

Ypu are very perceptive soapbox, we are both guilty of that sometimes. Very rarely, however.

It's hard not to react if he says he didnt enjoy something that we took a long time getting to and sorting out for him though.

OP posts:
CrispyNoodles · 04/06/2007 12:17

And hard for him to pretend he enjoyed it when he got pushed around and is only 6.

Dogsby · 04/06/2007 12:18

yes
relax he is only 6

Enid · 04/06/2007 12:19

only read the op

honestly your DW needs punishing!

overrule her and tell him of course he can go

soapbox · 04/06/2007 12:20

I understand that, but isn't it rather hypocritical to expect him to lie about his feeling, when quite clearly your DW cannot control hers?

If you aare choosing to do more than you feel comfortable with, for your DS then cut it back. You cannot seriously expect a very young child to feel responsible for living up to the decisions that you, as parents, have taken on his behalf?

Keep one sports activity and bin the rest! Give yourself all some time to chill out together instead. Too much far too young with too high expectations.

Enid · 04/06/2007 12:23

"It's hard not to react if he says he didnt enjoy something that we took a long time getting to and sorting out for him though. "

it shouldnt be hard not to react. Thats life with children, of course they are not grateful all the time. I think you need to learn a little humbleness and respect for your child.

Sorry if this sounds harsh as you wouldn't be posting if you didn't suspect you were out of order. But this really yanks my chain.

BTW I take dd1 riding every week without fail rain or shine. It costs £8 a session, I have to PAY someone to look after my other two as they are a nightmare in the stables, it is a 35 minute drive and I have to stand out in all weathers watching her kick some poor beast round a muddy field.

Sometimes she doesn't enjoy it much, but I would never, NEVER, dream of punishing her for it or even telling her what a nightmare it is to organise!

Enid · 04/06/2007 12:26

oh and what franny said

Dogsby · 04/06/2007 12:27

i htink thye cna be aware of the vague costa dn effort of extra acitvities though
we sometiems remidn the dsses htat we ODNt hAVE to tkae them to stff

thast it anoptional extra
adn if we organise an extra tennis session htey always say thanks

CountTo10 · 04/06/2007 12:32

You do have to be careful. I spent most of my years being constantly reminded by my mum how grateful I should be as she paid for dancing lessons etc. It made me feel ungrateful and isolated from my siblings and that my mum wasn't really that supportive and begrudged me doing it. She didn't but that's how it made me feel. Also does he want to do all these activities or are you doing it cause you think he should be?? If its the latter then you should try and work out what he enjoys doing and cut out the rest if he doesn;t want to do it.

Original poster
LostPuppy · 04/06/2007 12:36

No, he definitely wants to do it, he is sport mad. That's why it hurt when he said he didnt enjoy it, because we spend a fortune signing him up for all the clubs and activities. We are really tight for momeny, but spend most of it giving the kids what they want. I cant remember the last time we went out for dinner as a couple!

OP posts:
CountTo10 · 04/06/2007 12:42

So then have a special candle lit dinner at home with a dvd but don't make ds feel guilty for the fact that you allow him to do all this stuff cause that's not fair. He'd had a shit time being pushed about from the sounds of it and at 6 his first thought after that day isn;t going to be well I better not tell mum and dad I feel like poo as they'll be mad. Or it shouldn't be.

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic but I've been that child. He'll learn as long as you teach him that you don't have to pay for these extras and that he has to earn them with good behaviour etc. But that's totally different to just not enjoying something.

Original poster
LostPuppy · 04/06/2007 13:06

We never ever make him feel guilty about doing his things. As far as he knows its all free.

OP posts:
lulumama · 04/06/2007 13:28

"I cant remember the last time we went out for dinner as a couple!"

if money is so tight, then why not drop one of the activities he does, and spend time and money on yourselves, and maybe that will stop some resentment, and snapping, and you will have a chance to talk about things, and have some time together. which is really important!