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Original poster

Discipline Issues - going back on a punishment?

55 replies

LostPuppy · 04/06/2007 11:12

I spend my weekends ferrying my DS1 to various rugby/football/cricket training sessions, and yesterday he had a football tournament.

In the car on the way home I asked if he'd enjoyed himself, and there was no reply. So DW asked him and he said 'not much'. She went ballistic and told him he was ungrateful little so and so and that we wouldnt take him to his presentation/fun day next weekend. A very harsh punishment, because he's been looking forward to it all season. They get photos and a trophy etc.

As luck would have it, he bumped into his football coach at the swimming pool this morning, and he was asked if he had a good time and if he was looking forward to next weekend's event, to which he replied yes and was very excited, then afterwards he remembered and starte crying.

Now he IS a bit spoiled, but who doesnt spoil their kids. There is a fine line here between something kids say and the spoiled brat behaviour exhibited by a lot of his peers as we live in a very affluent town and the kids generally get whatever they want.

But I really dont want to take this day from him. He's apparently told all his schoolfriends he's going to get a tropht.

How can I go back on this punishment without giving him the message that we are a pushover?

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HuwEdwards · 04/06/2007 11:13

I think I'm missing something....why would you punish him just because he said he didn't enjoy the tournament?

Chugnuts · 04/06/2007 11:14

He was punished because he said he hadn't enjoyed himself much?

Chugnuts · 04/06/2007 11:14

I'm glad it's not just me who didn't understand.

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hana · 04/06/2007 11:15

I think the punishment here doesn't fit the crime
doesn't sound liekt ehre was even a crime committed. I'ld let him go, you need to talk to dw about this

dustystar · 04/06/2007 11:16

Can you think of an alternative punishment? We had a similar situation with dd when dh told her she couldn't go to a disco she had been looking forward to for ages. She was devastated I then gave her a choice between missing the disco, grounding for ... and another punishment that i cna't remember now. She chose the grounding.

CountTo10 · 04/06/2007 11:16

I think the punishment is a little harsh. It isn't mandatory to enjoy everyhting we do in life. Have you spoken to your dw as to why she got so cross with him and why she felt it was reasonable to punish him in that way?

lulumama · 04/06/2007 11:16

sounds like the punishment is completely out of proportion to the thing he did wrong...he must have been tired, and worn out after weekend of playing sport,and then gets a bollocking for saying he;d not enjoyed it much

and then he gets told he cannot go to the awards cerempny

totally out of proportion

dustystar · 04/06/2007 11:18

Actually rereading the op I agree with the others? He may have been a bit rude and ungrateful but maybe he was tired - does he really need a punishment?

HuwEdwards · 04/06/2007 11:18

I think if you and/or your DW resent taking him to places then you both need to deal with that. It's unfair to blame your DS just because he gave you an honest answer.

Hallgerda · 04/06/2007 11:19

Is there a little job you could get him to do to earn back his trophy evening? Set the table for a week, say, to make up for being ungrateful to you for putting yourselves out for his benefit? (I presume that's the issue). It would seem a rather more fitting punishment for the crime.

Chugnuts · 04/06/2007 11:20

I think you also need to be careful that you don't end up in a situation where your ds1 feels that he has to lie to you to avoid punishments.

FrannyandZooey · 04/06/2007 11:20

Sticking to an unreasonable punishment that was dished out in anger doesn't send a message that you are strong and great parents, it gives the message that you are inflexible and unjust

Tell him his behaviour was really annoying to your DW and that she over reacted. Ask him to try to be more polite in future (or whatever it was that she didn't like - was he being a bit surly, from the sound of it? however surely he has to be allowed to say whether he has had a good time or not) and say that DW will try not to fly off the handle. Nobody is perfect, everyone could try harder to get along in a family. He can learn from seeing adults apologise, negotiate and compromise, more than he can from seeing adults behave rigidly, for fear of looking weak.

beckybrastraps · 04/06/2007 11:20

How old is he?

ChipButty · 04/06/2007 11:21

Be straight with him. Tell him you were tired and that you have had a chat and realised you were a bit harsh.

beckybrastraps · 04/06/2007 11:21

And what Franny said...

soapbox · 04/06/2007 11:22

I think your DW needs to take a chill pill, quite frankly. What shocking behaviour from an adult. It sounds like she was having an adult temper tantrum - and of course had DS pulled that trick would have probably been sent to Siberia, judging by the lack of proportionate response to this episode!

Ask her if she would prefer that your DS lied to her about his feelings - because that is what you are both training him to do! How damaging for a child do you both think that is?

Original poster

LostPuppy · 04/06/2007 11:22

I can understand why it might sound like an overreaction. Taken in isolation it certainly is.

Its just that there have been a number of incidents lately where he has been so totally ungrateful, or when he hasn't got his own way and chucked his toys out of the pram.

Its funny how I cant think of these situations right now, so perhaps we need to chill out on him a bit!

OP posts:

lulumama · 04/06/2007 11:27

you cannot punish him for all those things though, as they have passed, find another small er punishment for his sulkiness, nothing as big as your DW suggested...how old is he?

Original poster

LostPuppy · 04/06/2007 11:28

OP posts:

Chugnuts · 04/06/2007 11:29

6? I thought you were going to say 12 or 13! I agree that it sounds as though he was tired.

lulumama · 04/06/2007 11:30

oh bless him

I have a 7.5 year old , and by the end of a weekend of activites, sports, parties etc after a week of school, he is exhausted and beyond reasonable conversation

maybe sit down and both talk to him about being rude and surly, and that it is not nice behaviour, but save the big punishments for the really bad stuff. or you have nowhere left to go, IFYSWIM

SweetyDarling · 04/06/2007 11:31

I do think you over-reacted. It sounds like he is being punished for telling the truth. Would you have prefered he lied to you? It even sounds like he avoided upsetting you with the truth but was pushed to give the answer even though he knew it wouldn't be what you wanted to hear. I think he might deserve an apology.
Obviously other incidents can put you on edge if he's been a bit stroppy for a while, but punishing him for nothing won't help this situation.

themildmanneredjanitor · 04/06/2007 11:32

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KerryMum · 04/06/2007 11:32

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Mrbatters · 04/06/2007 11:33

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