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Original poster

sitting listening to my baby cry...

74 replies

littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 20:42

I have a beautiful 8mo DD. She is an absolutely terrible sleeper. I am totally happy to just bf/rock to sleep whenever she needs it as I feel it's a developmental thing that she will come to in her own time but unfortunately things have come to a head with my DH as he's at his wits end.

We have started on a new routine with the help of a sleep consultant. I am completely again CIO or controlled crying but this consultant is all about multi-sensory, non-crying methods.

We're the third night in and my baby is struggling with it. I can hear her cry while my DH is putting her to bed (he is doing brilliantly) and trying to distract her from crying and its breaking my heart. I can't help but feel like I'm failing her and I just want to run up and feed her to sleep :( but I know my DH wants to continue to try this method and I don't want to carry on arguing about the sleep. And it would be amazing if it actually worked and she improved!!

Just feeling torn and terrible and can't bear it much longer :(

OP posts:
WooYa · 15/08/2018 20:46

I feel you! ThanksDS prefers me putting him to bed or doing anything and the cries genuinely hurt my heart Sad
Just think of this - it's all towards an end goal. And she loves her daddy whether she cries or not.
Could you put some headphones in to distract you?

Thesearmsofmine · 15/08/2018 20:48

Go feed your baby and talk to DH after. My personal thoughts are not to go against my instincts, we have them for a reason.

Original poster
littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 20:50

Yes I definitely need distraction! I just dont know if we're doing the right thing...the consultant kept going on about 'weaning' her off me - but isn't it right that she's attached to me? Why would we try to break that bond? whats wrong with falling asleep on the boob, isn't that natural? I just keep going round in circles! arghhh!

OP posts:

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Original poster
littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 20:52

thesearmsofmine cross post! I so want to do that! but honestly I feel like I need to be consistent with something for once rather than confusing her and I also dont want to contribute to further alienating DH. I might give it a few more days and if she's not getting any more settled with it then just feed her to sleep again...argh its so hard

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 15/08/2018 20:52

Go feed your baby and talk to DH after. My personal thoughts are not to go against my instincts, we have them for a reason.

This.

I dislike sleep training but 8 months is just about the worst time to attempt it - it’s peak separation anxiety, a massive development leap and growth spurt.

What has your DH to be at his wits end about?

Bananarama12 · 15/08/2018 20:52

What's wrong with the feeding to sleep? Is it not working anymore? Taking too long?

TittyGolightly · 15/08/2018 20:53

Thousands of generations it took for us to be here. Cave folk weren’t sleep training their babies. Wink

LiveatCityHall · 15/08/2018 20:56

I went through a similar thing with my son. We didn't use a sleep consultant but I wanted my husband to be able to put him to bed too so we tried it with him in the room with me for a few days whilst I fed DS and rocked him to sleep. We then moved onto DH feeding DS whilst I was in the room (he was bottle fed) and then rocking him to sleep and eventually moved to DH doing it by himself. I think it worked for us because DS could see that daddy was there too and so got used to him being part of the normal bedtime routine.

LiveatCityHall · 15/08/2018 20:58

Actually just re reading your post - sorry I didn't realise your DD was bf. I wouldn't be trying to introduce your DH to the bedtime routine if you're bfing her. She still needs you xx

twobarnsmammisonthebus · 15/08/2018 20:59

Follow your gut instinct, rocking and bf is so fine if that what works 💕

FranticallyPeaceful · 15/08/2018 21:02

8 months is still so little. I would go comfort and feed your baby and not worry about sleep training

anotherangel2 · 15/08/2018 21:03

Go and get your baby. Whatever ‘no cry’ method your sleep consultant recommended is obviously not working as your baby is crying. I thought sleep training was not recommended until 1.

If you are bf through the night why is your DH at his wits end?

What you you mean by terrible sleeper? Cosleeping improved my DD’s sleep at that age. She was ff but still feed 3 times durring the night at that age.

littletwofeet · 15/08/2018 21:04

Honestly, go and feed your baby. Discuss with DH another time.

If you’re happy to feed to sleep and it’s working, there is nothing wrong with that. Do what works now not what may or may not work in the future.

There is evidence than sleep training can work in the short term (up to 6 Months) but not in the long term. So any sleep training you do won’t have a long term affect on her. If you sleep train and she sleeps good in 6 Months / a year, the likelihood is she would have done anyway if you had just fed/held to sleep.

Yes, you’re right it’s completely natural and normal to feed to sleep. It’s not forever and such a special time, they are only small and need you in this way for such a short time. As she gets older, DH will be able to put her to bed when you’re not there or if you just want to sit downstairs and watch telly, etc.

haribosmarties · 15/08/2018 21:04

I think it should be both of your decisions though... Why does your husband want to do it this way? Is his sleep being constantly disturbed? You are both the parents so I dont think just disregarding his feelings and doing whatever you want is the way forward as other posters seem to think it is.
I would give it a few more days to see if it does actually start to work... but if you feel it doesnt or its too much for you/its not what you want, then sit down and discuss it together again.

Fannyfanakerpants · 15/08/2018 21:04

She's 8 months old. She's a baby. Babies are designed to be fed to sleep. She won't be doing it forever and you'll miss the time when it was so easy to settle them.

haribosmarties · 15/08/2018 21:05

*is not the way forward, sorry!

Original poster
littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 21:06

she's asleep phew! by terrible sleeper - up every forty mins from bedtime and from around 10pm onwards usually wont let me put her down so I sleep sat up with her on me. co-sleeping helps a bit but not much. DH just sick of it all but I know he's being unreasonable with that.

Gah now I feel worse after those responses.

OP posts:
Notmorewashing · 15/08/2018 21:07

She is crying to be BF !!

littletwofeet · 15/08/2018 21:08

I am totally happy to just bf/rock to sleep whenever she needs it as I feel it's a developmental thing that she will come to in her own time
You’re right, she will get there in her own time.

You sound like a lovely mum being happy to do this whenever she needs it. Listen to your instincts. Your DD won’t understand why she is crying for you and doing everything she can to communicate she needs you and you aren’t coming.

Original poster
littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 21:09

if it helps me sound less terrible, she isn't often bf to sleep unless she's exhausted by the time she goes to bed (she is bf to sleep in the night and still is). Usually I just walk around the house with her until she goes to sleep

OP posts:
Chosenbyyou · 15/08/2018 21:13

I can see why you are trying and there is nothing wrong with trying your best to help your baby and also your wider family.

I am still the only one who can go into my DS in the night and he is 15 months old. I have put him to bed every single night for his whole life - DH has tried and DS goes nuts.

It’s so restrictive for me that it has taken over my life a bit! I am up every night a few times a night and it’s taken it’s toll on me.

I can’t listen to my baby cry either but I think you are doing the right thing to try and if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t matter cuz you have tried.

I wish I knew the magical answer cuz it is soul destroying!

Take care x

Bananarama12 · 15/08/2018 21:14

I can't say I'm against sleep training as I did it at 7 months but purely because he stopped feeding and rocking to sleep. Give it a few nights, it may improve all of your sleeping. Don't feel so badFlowers

Chosenbyyou · 15/08/2018 21:21

Please dont feel terrible you are doing really well! There is no right answer there is just what you think is the best at the time.

I weirdly feel terrible that I haven’t got the inner strength to do sleep training with my baby and I just take the easy option of rocking/feeding on every wake up and this has been going on for 15 months!!

We always find something to beat ourselves up over but providing people care and are doing their best then we are all fab xx

Original poster
littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 21:23

just tried to express to DH how i was feeling and he said very aggressive "fine lets stop doing it then" which would ultimately mean every time she didn't sleep well (i.e. all the time) it would be my fault and my fault that our relationship is going down the drain etc etc

thank you all for your kind words :) I will keep trying for the next few days and hopefully she'll be happier with the new routine soon. And maybe she'll be happier if it actually helps her sleep rather than her screaming many times in the night!

OP posts:
littletwofeet · 15/08/2018 21:30

just tried to express to DH how i was feeling and he said very aggressive "fine lets stop doing it then" which would ultimately mean every time she didn't sleep well (i.e. all the time) it would be my fault and my fault that our relationship is going down the drain etc etc

Oh I feel really sad for youSad his response is awful. It sounds like he’s ‘bullied’ you into the sleep training. He should be discussing with you rationally, understanding why you are upset, working a plan out together (E.g. try for another X amount of nights, if not munch improvement review in X months, etc) and work out ways in the meantime if you both getting the sleep/rest you need.