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Original poster

sitting listening to my baby cry...

74 replies

littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 20:42

I have a beautiful 8mo DD. She is an absolutely terrible sleeper. I am totally happy to just bf/rock to sleep whenever she needs it as I feel it's a developmental thing that she will come to in her own time but unfortunately things have come to a head with my DH as he's at his wits end.

We have started on a new routine with the help of a sleep consultant. I am completely again CIO or controlled crying but this consultant is all about multi-sensory, non-crying methods.

We're the third night in and my baby is struggling with it. I can hear her cry while my DH is putting her to bed (he is doing brilliantly) and trying to distract her from crying and its breaking my heart. I can't help but feel like I'm failing her and I just want to run up and feed her to sleep :( but I know my DH wants to continue to try this method and I don't want to carry on arguing about the sleep. And it would be amazing if it actually worked and she improved!!

Just feeling torn and terrible and can't bear it much longer :(

OP posts:
Original poster
littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 21:44

thanks littletwofeet. yes he's not the easiest person to reason with esp. over emotionally charged topics!

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neighneigh · 15/08/2018 21:51

It sounds like your dh is very stressed about it all, which is understandable because sleep deprivation is the pits, but he shouldn't be aggressive towards you so this new thing is clearly not helping (I am putting that politely! If my dh was aggressive, he'd be sleeping in the garage) . In fact dh was saying today that his friend has confided in him that he feels useless with their baby, who just wants her mum. And he's an excellent dad, he just feels inadequate because the baby is so small, and only mum can settle her. In your situation, if you can, I'd gently but firmly suggest you take over nighttime and he can look after your baby from early morning. If you have a spare room, boot him in there. If you want to cosleep, do that. If you want to feed, do that. I've always done everything at night, and am so very, very tired, but my dh takes the baby at 6am so I can have a lie in. We have an older ds and so I know that this doesn't last forever. It's so, so hard but you all sound miserable at the moment.

Original poster
littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 21:56

thanks neigh :) ha well this is going to make him sound awful -he is already in the spare room!! He is not disturbed in the night. He is more fed up of our evenings being spent running up and down the stairs constantly trying to settle her, and the fact that he feels pushed out from our bedroom and all that goes with that...I can understand his frustration but am equally frustrated with him that he can't find some more patience...i'm sure many others are/have been in the same situation as us! Hopefully things will improve soon.

OP posts:

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littledinaco · 15/08/2018 22:12

It all sounds really hard for you.

It may be worth sending him this
www.isisonline.org.uk/how_babies_sleep/sleep_training/research_evidence/
It’s quite interesting in terms of sleep training and the short and long term outcomes.
If it was me, I would maybe do lots of reading on breastfeeding / feeding to sleep / sleep training, etc. Read all the positive and negative, decide what you feel is best for your DD and then send everything you think is relevant to him. Ask him to do the same (based on him reading/research,etc) not just an idea in his head! Then try to come to a decision together.

It’s hard as there is no ‘right’ way but you’re instincts are really, really important when it comes to your children. You know your DD better than anyone. The breastfeeding relationship is special one so don’t let DH force you into something you don’t feel is best for your DD.

It can be frustrating losing your evenings but it doesn’t last forever. I think it’s easier after your first DC as you know it’s just a short time in your lives but I know the feeling with your first of thinking it will go on forever.

TittyGolightly · 15/08/2018 22:16

He is more fed up of our evenings being spent running up and down the stairs constantly trying to settle her, and the fact that he feels pushed out from our bedroom and all that goes with that...

Poor baby.

Hmm
redcaryellowcar · 15/08/2018 22:19

My 'baby' starts school in a few weeks time, I honestly wish he was 8 months old again (well actually he had terrible reflux which resolved around 12 months- so maybe 12 would be better!) and I could snuggle and feed him to sleep. Please trust your instincts. Mine were terrible sleepers and 'the no cry sleep solution' by Elizabeth Pantley was really helpful with gentle ideas which were breastfeeding friendly helped us make some big improvements. Small babies need us nearby, it's how they survive.

FusionChefGeoff · 15/08/2018 22:24

We had 3 really bad nights sleep training at about 9 months but there was a noticeable difference each night so we had the motivation to keep going. It was also a joint decision.

And after that it was bliss!! DD started sleeping through regularly and we both were able to function again.

We had to do another 3 night 're-set' when she was just over 2 to stop what had become regular 4am wake-ups.

So there's a 'stick with it' story just in case that helps.

Original poster
littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 22:25

thank you for your thoughtful response littledinaco :) I have read a lot of that research and the physiological link between mother and baby was one point that really stuck with me. I am reassuring myself that my baby is not being left to cry at all, one of us is always with her, cuddling her and playing with her/distracting her etc. It really is the most gentle form of 'sleep training' possible. I am continuing to respond to her in the night exactly as she needs it and will carry on feeding her back to sleep in the night (despite the sleep lady telling me not to!). If we can just help DD with the initial settling to sleep at night without constantly waking up I think that would be amazing progress, even if she is still waking throughout the night later on once we're all in bed. I'm feeling a bit better about it now knowing that as soon as she wakes (she hasn't yet this evening which is a first!!), I will be straight in to cuddle her :)

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DrWhy · 15/08/2018 22:25

It’s really really hard and I’m not at all keen on sleep training where a baby is left at all but if your DH is with her I think that’s reasonable. 8 months might not be a great time to try it but ultimately she needs to see her dad as a source of comfort too.
I bf to sleep and through the night until DS was 13 months, I’d been back at work over 4 months and was on my knees, it just wasn’t sustainable but if DH tried to settle him to give me a break he’d just scream blue murder and I couldn’t sleep anyway.
Rather drastic but I had to go away on a work trip. DS and DH has no option but to work it out. Fortunately I didn’t have to hear any of it. 3 days later he could be settled by either of us with a cup of milk.
From then on we alternated nights, which was bliss, it also meant that I could go away or go out for the evening again. For quite a while DS would only be settled by DH overnight if he put him in bed with him but we’ve gradually reached the point where either of us can settle him in his cot.
I think my message is that it’s good for your DH to be involved in the settling and night wakes and for DD to be comforted by him too but if it takes more than maybe a week I’d wonder if she’s just not ready to be without the feeds in which case you need to figure out whether you are going to go back to the bf to sleep and try again in a few months (time to be agreed with your DH) or whether you are going to try moving to a bottle or sippy cup in the evening and overnight.

TeddyIsaHe · 15/08/2018 22:26

Your dh sounds incredibly selfish, your little dd has only been on this earth for 8 months and all he can think about are HIS evenings and HIS night-times. He needs to grow up and realise being a parent is sometimes having to crack on with the shit stuff because that’s what baby needs.

I hope you’re ok, you sound lovely Flowers

Original poster
littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 22:27

redcar - Yes I remember reading that one!!I might try that with the night feeds at some point :) thank you!

fusion thank you for the tale with a positive ending :)

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Knitjob · 15/08/2018 22:29

up every forty mins from bedtime and from around 10pm onwards usually wont let me put her down so I sleep sat up with her on me

Seems like I'm going against the grain a bit here but that does sound like quite a poor sleep routine to me. You are up and down to her every 40 minutes in the evening then you mostly sleep sitting up? You must all be shattered, even her.

But this will pass, like everything else, and you'll know when you've had enough and need to take some action. It sounds like dh has reached that point before you which makes it harder.

How's she doing now? Is she asleep?

PragmaticWench · 15/08/2018 22:31

DD was like this and it turned out she had silent reflux. It damned near broke our relationship with the sleep deprivation, so I feel for you.

Original poster
littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 22:34

Drwhy sounds like your DH did an awesome job while you were on your work trip! I tried to go away for a night on my best friend's hen do 2 months ago and it was a disaster (in hindsight DD was far too young for me to attempt that) - I ended up driving for 3 hours at 5am to get back to her!!

knitjob yes!!! she hasn't woken up yet and its been nearly two hours!! prob because she's completed shattered bless her. I should prob go to sleep Grin

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Thirtyrock39 · 15/08/2018 22:37

Keep going with it OP
Sleep training is tough but it is one of the best things I did in those early years - babies need to learn to sleep well and constantly feeding / rocking them to sleep after 6 months isn't needed
Some of the previous posters are a wee bit hysterical and obv not for sleep training- it's quite an emotive issue and people get quite defensive and judgy when you decide to tackle bad nights- but you are doing the right thing . Sleep is really important for good emotional health. I am a HCP and do a lot of training on infants , attachment, mental health etc and all the training says that after six months good sleep is really important and sleep training is not going to have any negative affects . Babies after six months don't need to be feeding throughout the night they need to be sleeping

DrWhy · 15/08/2018 22:49

Yes, DH is pretty awesome Grin although he drives me insane sometimes! One thing we did have to agree on was that if we were going to alternate nights then the off duty one had to let the on duty one do it their way and not interfere. With DS nearly 2 and me pregnant again we are still generally in different bedrooms so the off duty one gets a genuine nights sleep. However, getting more sleep means that we have a hilariously Victorian arrangement of one of us visiting the other bedroom when we first go to bed sometimes and actually spending some time together which isn’t just complaining that he’s keeping me awake and I’m tired!

TittyGolightly · 15/08/2018 22:53

babies need to learn to sleep well and constantly feeding / rocking them to sleep after 6 months isn't needed

Sleep is really important for good emotional health. I am a HCP and do a lot of training on infants , attachment, mental health etc and all the training says that after six months good sleep is really important and sleep training is not going to have any negative affects .

Babies after six months don't need to be feeding throughout the night they need to be sleeping

That’s what the training says? Where’s the evidence base for it?

Original poster
littlestrawby · 15/08/2018 22:54

That's interesting thirtyrock39 - nice to hear a different viewpoint that helps ease my guilt :) do you have any research you could point towards that suggests that there's no detrimental impact on the baby's wellbeing in terms of MH/attachment etc beyond 6 months vs if they continued to sleep badly?

in case anyone's wondering - DD just woke up and sat up crying. I basically fell over myself to get to her instantly and in the time it took me to stumble across the hallway she had laid back down and gone back off herself!! I was quite disappointed, after I had clambered to her cot arms outstretched, to find a sleeping baby in front of me Grin

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TittyGolightly · 15/08/2018 23:00

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3422632/

Branleuse · 15/08/2018 23:02

I know its frustrating but 8 month babies usually dont sleep through. Its conpletely normal. You just live with it. They start sleeping through when theyre ready to. 8 months would be very young so please be realistic. Even adults often need to eat or drink at some point in the night
Go to your baby x

Thirtyrock39 · 15/08/2018 23:05

There's masses of info to support controlled crying after 6 months as beneficial - the research about cortisol levels etc is based on severely neglected babies who's basic needs were not met - not a few nights of crying at bed time
I'm sure you're able to google titty

Thirtyrock39 · 15/08/2018 23:07

Just one quick example...

sitting listening to my baby cry...
TittyGolightly · 15/08/2018 23:12

There's masses of info to support controlled crying after 6 months as beneficial - the research about cortisol levels etc is based on severely neglected babies who's basic needs were not met - not a few nights of crying at bed time
I'm sure you're able to google titty

I’ve read all of the actual studies. There’s a lot they don’t say, and even less that the media reporting noticed. I’ve also studied child psychology and neurology.

Thirtyrock39 · 15/08/2018 23:12

There was also a well publicised study last week in America which linked the constant trend of feeding for comfort and lack of sleep training in babies with childhood obesity - not really the point of the thread but I do think controlled crying or any sleep training get a ridiculously hard time on MN